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lisa35

should I make him conform

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Hi, just wondering, my son is getting older now,12 next, and his quirkiness seems moe obvoius as his peer group are maturing.At the mo we have alot of weird whistles, and odd walking gait, really makes him stand out

Thing is, I know he "enjoys" his noises and sometimes does it when really happy, but at times when hes over stimulated

Just wondering what others think, I feel I have to make him conform so that he doesnt get bullied so much, I know our kids should be able to act ast hey want, but the reality is very different isnt it?

Also, any one else with older children , do they start to mature more, Im scared that Ill have an 18 yr old walking round whistling and spinning and jumping!

Lisa

ps guess my usually thick skin not so thick today!

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Hi lisa,

 

Yes, I have this too. Jay makes a lot of noises and jerky gestures when he's walking along and it does make him stand out somewhat. In some ways it's easier for us because Jay is very tiny and appears much younger, so he can still get away with it to a certain extent. I must admit, I don't try to deter him from doing it. He is starting to become more self-aware and he knows how 'different' he is and I just feel to try and make him 'act' like the other kids would be too much of a strain on him and the very act of me pointing it out to him wouldn't do much for his self-esteem, so I do tend to let him be. It is difficult though, because it is a worry that he'll still be doing it when he's six foot, but, having said that, that will just be him I guess. I feel a bit mixed about it as well, to be honest. :wacko:>:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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No. If he's not hurting himself or anyone else then why stop it. The problem is with the people who are so narrow-minded as to have a problem, not with him. You wouldn't expect him to 'conform' and start running about playing football if he was in a wheelchair - this shouldn't be any different.

 

Mumble :)

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Hi Lisa -

 

A really difficult one, and I don't think there can be any hard and fast 'rules'. I don't think it's healthy or possible to push for conformity, because the behaviours are outlets for a very real need and if supressed are just going to emerge in some other (possibly more problematic) form, but when they are having a major impact on opportunities and interaction that the individual actually wants to preserve (and I think that's important too - one of the hardest things we as parents have to deal with is that children may have very different expectations than we have for them), or having a genuinely negative effect on the quality of life of others around them then 're-chanelling' them may be the only option.

I think the most important thing is to make sure the individual knows you're not 'judging' the behaviour and that you are aware of its importance to them. From there you can hopefully help them to develop coping strategies to 'reduce' the behaviour (that can be in real terms or appearance - i.e. flapping: could be reduced in frequency/duration or made less 'visible' by concealing hands or flapping fingers rather than arms. Many children are able to swap 'finger walking' for full blown 'flapping', and still derive a similar feeling of security/reassurance from it) or to factor it into their lives in a way that is less intrusive for others.

This is, as you say, a very emotive subject so i'll ask here and now for anyone who doesn't agree with me (in either direction) to 'agree to differ' rather than taking offense; It is a hugely complex issue that encompasses all sorts of social and moral considerations...

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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My worry is that he ll be bullied even more, I wish he could be himself 100 percent of time,

Lisa

at home and with family he is himself, but also i want him to feel like hes so different to other kids, its a big issue at this age for him

Lisa

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thanks baddad, that makes sense to me, I think I could ask him to think of a different way to express it, its the whistling thats a big prob at mo, and it does effect his ability to mix with his peer group, and at end of the day , that matters a great deal to him

Thanks

Lisa

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wilson posted on this forum about a child with an obsession with hands, stroking and patting.

If a stim isn't harmful to the person, or to others, then why try and stop it? You may find that you trigger behaviour you find harder to deal with, like meltdowns or a refusal to go out any more because it is just too hard to cope.

Trying to make him conform because he might look weird and get bullied is likely to push his stress levels very high, and they are part of him, and how he deals with the world.

At various stages in his life, B used to hum loudly, crack his fingers and toes, jerk, twitch his head forwards like a bird and grunt. He still twitches sometimes after a long week, but now he tends to tap and run his fingers lightly over things. I'm tempted to teach him Braille for fun. He can modify some of what he does for a while if I ask him, but not for long. It is any bullying behaviour that needs challenging assertively, not B's harmless quirks.

 

 

 

I'm really slow at this IT stuff, I started this post after I read Wicce.

Edited by Bard

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Hi,

 

I agree with Baddad and perhaps I came in a bit strongly in my first post - as Baddad says, it's a very emotive subject. I'm judged for some of my behaviours and I don't like it - but the line between me changing my behaviours so I'm not judged and so happier and others not judging in the first place isn't clear - it's not even 'fuzzy' - it will be in different places in different circumstances, and in the same circumstances (and this is where it gets tricky ... why is it ok for me sometimes to be obsessive about having all the tables lined up in the room and why sometimes do I have to 'put up' with it which in most likelyhood initiates other coping behaviours).

 

I think the key is communication. My sister is happy with my flapping (hence, with my actual Mumbling, my penguin name) and ironically because she doesn't care and I'm more relaxed, it happens less. The same in supervisons - my supervisor accepts my behaviours and is pretty good at 'reading' them for signs of when I'm not coping - in actual fact any suppression, particularly of someone who finds to hard to communicate their feelings, might remove 'communication' (does that make sense?). But when I'm in the student room, I use other less obvious coping mechanisms - fingers, counting, fiddly things in pockets. But saying this, it's about control - and if things are too much, I need my coping mechisms, and if the first to come to me is obvious and strange to others, well that's just the way it has to be.

 

Mumble :)

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thankyou Mumble,thats given me alot of insight into sons quirks, he is a lot worse the more Icomment on it and seems more we acknowladge it more it escalates!

Think its v true about depending on circumstances, and Ill try a bit harder with him!

Lisa

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Guest Lya of the Nox

i have been known to suggest a different stim?

maybe one less obvious, and hand over something to fiddle with, putty or tangles ?

is this worth a try? may divert attention

but look at us all dont we do it too?

x

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My son occasionally uses his hand flapping and funny noises.

A few years ago his dad who has AS also, started telling him to stop doing them because it made him stand out and he would be bullied over it. We had a major row over this because I knew he drew comfort from doing them and didn't think it was right to try to change him. The compromise that came out of it was that he would be rewarded for trying not to do it outside the house, at home he could do it as much as he liked. This didn't happen over night but after receiving some rewards he tried harder and harder. School was the most difficult, we got him a stress ball for class to keep his hands occupied but he kept dropping it and the teacher complained he was spending more time walking round the class after it. He now has one of those little rubber faces made of flour, when he drops it, it doesn't roll across the floor. The strange noises are a lot less frequent. now he is doing tunes from TV adverts. This has taken a couple of years the rewards have stopped now because it is no longer an issue.

His clothes used to be a big issue too, cotton pajamas, cotton everything, strangest looking school uniform (school where understanding about it) but his dad complained about that too saying he would grow up to be a Roy Cropper wearing the same thing every day. God there has been some rows in our house. Started putting 'comfort' in all his new clothes and drying them in the tumble dryer, they then felt as soft as his pajamas. He wears all the latest styles now and is happy to do so except wool.

Have never told his dad he was right, but we argue less now. I do listen after all he understands because he's been through it all himself.

 

Hope you can draw something out of this.

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JP used to jump & flap. That stopped so long ago I cant remember when.

He also used to make what we called his "contented" noise - a kind of low humming when he was running/walking. We could hear him coming! Again this stopped of its own accord.

 

His gait is still very odd though, & I worry he stands out because of it. And his speech is very rapid & hard to understand sometimes, especially if he's a bit nervous.

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JP used to jump & flap. That stopped so long ago I cant remember when.

He also used to make what we called his "contented" noise - a kind of low humming when he was running/walking. We could hear him coming! Again this stopped of its own accord.

 

His gait is still very odd though, & I worry he stands out because of it. And his speech is very rapid & hard to understand sometimes, especially if he's a bit nervous.

Hi Perl, same here, cant understand our son at times, we have to say sloooow down ,a nd he walks like hes top heavy if that makes any sense, his front half leans forward!?

Lisa

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This thread reminds me of a one I started awhile back about my boy handflapping and me stopping him. It got very heated so I would like to support Baddads comment about agreeing to differ rather than to take offence.

 

I for one try to make my boy conform, but I know my lad and his understanding and the best way to approach him so it doesn't feel like a negative. Like Lya I too have offered a different more acceptable stim, he would often lick things so I gave him chewing gum, and my boy wearing his headphones on a bus whilst playing his gameboy is the norm for most boys his age, so if there is an alternative I try to use it.

 

Gardenia

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This has caused so many problems in our family.

 

I don't make Pipsqueak conform if she's using a coping mechanism, I'm usually just pleased she's found a way to cope in a situation that she's finding difficult, but I will help her reduce the coping mechanism so she doesn't draw as much attention to herself (chewing gum, shoes and socks off etc).

 

Grandma (and school) do force Pipsqueak to conform and that usually means that I get the benefit of the tantrum or the really violent fall out, because she won't relax until she's with Dad and I.

 

It's a really difficult one.

 

Bat :bat:

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