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After reading up about ASD I am thinking that my husband has many traits. Just wondered what you thought? and what I should do if anything? I am not sure if I am just seeing things in him that are just typical bloke behavior or whether together he could actually have an ASD.

 

eye contact not very good especially with people he doesn't know so well.

can say things that aren't really that tactful in company

explodes when things go wrong or don't go to plan and will shout and look agressive (although he isn't violent at all)

is tactile but can hug too hard or squeezes too tight

obsession with football - real detail of stats, history etc

isn't comfortable with lots of changes and this can make him anxious and more prone to stress (ie many outbursts happen when we are off to an event or something different)

quite a stiff posture and tends to walk flat footed

Has a strong sense of smell and will sometimes sniff things like old books for example as he likes the smell

he tends to be fairly self centred and always things of situations from his perspective and can't see how they may effect other people unless pointed out. When pointed out he is usually fairly good at understanding.

 

 

However, he does have friends whom he enjoys going out with and is fairly funny and laid back most of the time. He plays sport, is emotional and is a good judge of other people in terms of who is a good person and who may be false. He writes well and used to write me some very romantic letters when we first met. He is very loyal and trustworthy. He can be fairly sociable with people he feels comfortable with and is interesting to talk to.

 

Thank you for any thoughts or advice. I should add that his behavior has improved alot during our relationship especially since he moved further away from his mum (who has similiar behavior in terms of being abit volotile) and he is much calmer and less stressed about things.

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There are several threads on this in the Beyond Adolescence section that you might find interesting to read!

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Hi star -

Hope you don't mind me asking, but does it matter?

Certainly there are some things in your post that sound like AS 'traits', but I think if you look at most people you can find that type of thing - especially if you make a point of making a list.

One thing every parent hears repeatedly is 'Oh, all kids do that' and autistic adults hear 'well I/my/mum/my brother/(etc) is exactly the same.'

From the last paragraph it doesn't sound as though your DH has any major difficulties in interacting with others, or in his every day life, so in terms of 'disability' - which is what AS/ASD is (and disability itself is in many, many ways a social construct arising from value judgements made about 'difference) - then he 'isn't', IYSWIM.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that there are all sorts of reasons why people might behave in certain ways, and we are all products of our upbringing. If your partners mother was 'volatile' and possibly a bit self-absorbed, then that is probably going to be a pattern that will emerge in his own interactions and relationships. If you grew up in a different environment (or even a similar one but with a determination to reject those patterns of behaviour) you will see them in a very different light. Alternatively, if your background and psychology had been more like his, you probably wouldn't find anything 'different' to wonder about...

 

I hope that doesn't sound judgemental in itself - it certainly isn't meant to be and understanding more about how your partner 'ticks' has got to be a good thing in any relationship regardless of any other considerations :thumbs: Neither am I saying your husband isn't on the spectrum - i wouldn't dare presume to possess that sort of expertise! - All I'm saying is, if it aint a problem there's nothing to fix -

(and I believe very strongly that most of the 'fixing' people want for autistic people could be better addressed by social change and acceptance anyway)

 

Hope that's helpful, and give him a kick up the butt about that USED TO write romantic letters :lol::lol: ... Tell him a girl likes to be wooed (and follow it up with a cheeky wink and 'you can be as wooed as you like with me' ;) ...... carry on nurse!)

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Hi

 

Certainly has some traits in my opinion.

 

My son has AS and since he was diagnosed last year, I twigged that hubby may have AS too. Specialists who saw my son actually (tactfully) discussed this.

 

Apparently it's not uncommon for family members to have an ASD. Certainly, I have a great uncle who has AS, an uncle who has Tourettes, a son who has AS and husband suspected of having AS.

 

People may well ask why I didn't notice anything about my hubby before now. Fact is that I guess we were so busy working, generally going about our day to day lives. I've always been aware that he's anti-social, has poor eye contact, can be obsessive, but it wasn't until I educated myself about ASDs and sought a diagnosis for my son, that suddenly it all made sense. I know a few people on this forum that have been in the same boat.

 

Check out the NAS website and there have been several posts on this subject.

 

Just read what Baddad has said and I agree with a lot that's said. One point I would like to expand on is that in my son and husband's case, they are regarded as being mild on the spectrum. That doesn't mean that they don't have difficulties interacting with others, etc. Husband has a full-time job (funnily enough, one that's rigid in routine in terms of duties and timescales!) and son is in mainstream school with full-time 1-2-1 support. Basically, I think that means that they've done exceptionally well to get by - one specialist commented that my son is very intelligent and that because of that, he's been able to mask (unintentionally) his difficulties and get by. I think that this is something which undoubtedly causing a lot of confusion, particularly when specialists are trying to make a diagnosis.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited by cmuir

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I hope this doesn't come across as rude, Star, but I do get a bit annoyed (I'm an AS adult BTW) by the searching for traits in people thing (I suppose it's like Baddad's thing from a parent's view of being irked by the 'don't all kids do that' line). If we start labelling everyone who might be showing some trait(s) that might be construed as an ASD characteristic, then don't we run the risk of trivilaising the real difficulties that some individuals face because of their ASD and hence fail to support them and give access to appropriate support because 'all people do that'?

 

For a diagnosis of AS, it is essential that, in addition just to recognising these traits, 'the disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning'. If your husband just has some 'quirks' (and here I'm going to join the everyone does speal) and they don't cause any major issues in functioning, why not just accept these as what they are - 'quirks' (Hey, it would be a bit boring if we didn't have quirks, for without them we would all be the same)?

 

As Bard says, there are some threads on this in 'beyond adolescence' - read these and think about what you want and what your husband wants. I'm just writing from my perspective as I don't know what it is like to live with someone with the behavioural characteristics you describe - I know that I am impossible to live with.

 

For what it's worth, I do think it is too easy to get a brief understanding of something and to fit it to what you see. You could probably apply the diagnostic criteria (some of at least) of many different conditions/disabilities to anyone you wanted to. No one on here can say yes or no to your question. Diagnosis is a long and difficult process and not something I would wish anyone to go through who didn't need to go through it. I suppose what I'm trying not very well to say is, if there isn't a problem, what's the problem? Does that make any sense at all? I really hope I haven't offended anyone.

 

Worried Mumble :unsure:

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I like the phrase "autistic cousins" to refer to our slightly spectrumy ones.

 

Like Mumble says, loads of peeps have traits but it doesnt interfere with them living a productive & fulfilling life.

 

Mr pearl has many Aspie traits, not sure if he has the full blown thing or not, but it helps us to know that this is what is behind many of his little ways.

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There are several threads on this in the Beyond Adolescence section that you might find interesting to read!

 

 

 

Thanks - will take a look!

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Hi star -

Hope you don't mind me asking, but does it matter?

Certainly there are some things in your post that sound like AS 'traits', but I think if you look at most people you can find that type of thing - especially if you make a point of making a list.

One thing every parent hears repeatedly is 'Oh, all kids do that' and autistic adults hear 'well I/my/mum/my brother/(etc) is exactly the same.'

From the last paragraph it doesn't sound as though your DH has any major difficulties in interacting with others, or in his every day life, so in terms of 'disability' - which is what AS/ASD is (and disability itself is in many, many ways a social construct arising from value judgements made about 'difference) - then he 'isn't', IYSWIM.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that there are all sorts of reasons why people might behave in certain ways, and we are all products of our upbringing. If your partners mother was 'volatile' and possibly a bit self-absorbed, then that is probably going to be a pattern that will emerge in his own interactions and relationships. If you grew up in a different environment (or even a similar one but with a determination to reject those patterns of behaviour) you will see them in a very different light. Alternatively, if your background and psychology had been more like his, you probably wouldn't find anything 'different' to wonder about...

 

I hope that doesn't sound judgemental in itself - it certainly isn't meant to be and understanding more about how your partner 'ticks' has got to be a good thing in any relationship regardless of any other considerations :thumbs: Neither am I saying your husband isn't on the spectrum - i wouldn't dare presume to possess that sort of expertise! - All I'm saying is, if it aint a problem there's nothing to fix -

(and I believe very strongly that most of the 'fixing' people want for autistic people could be better addressed by social change and acceptance anyway)

 

Hope that's helpful, and give him a kick up the butt about that USED TO write romantic letters :lol::lol: ... Tell him a girl likes to be wooed (and follow it up with a cheeky wink and 'you can be as wooed as you like with me' ;) ...... carry on nurse!)

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

Thanks very much for your reply. I agree with your comments and think you make a lot of sense. It is the sort if reply I needed to hear as in many ways it doesn't really matter!!! amd I do think you are right in that you can look at many people (myself included) and you can list traits but without much use or benefit!

 

You're right too about his mum as this has had a major impact on his behavior as she was a fairly abusive lady at times. Leading from this I feel that my only "issue" with my husbands behavior is his stress and anger management. We have discussed this recently and he is reading a self help book and we will see how he goes. I suppose I was thinking that if he did have AS then maybe he will never be able to control this side of his behavior? or maybe he still could with time and help? Anyway, like you say that doesn't really matter and hopefully we will be able to work through this problem with time and help.

 

Thanks for your reply and yes, I will remind him of the romantic letters!!!!

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Thanks for your reply. I agree with Baddad too that it may not be helpful to look at it in the way I was doing. My only issue is with the way my husband deals with stress and how he gets angry as I find it very difficult to be around him when he is like this. I am hoping that we will be able to work though this with time as he is getting much better. I suppose I was thinking that if he did has some form of ASD would that mean he would never change or find it very difficult to change? That said, i suppose if something is part of your childhood then that may not change either so I suppose again it doesn't make much difference either !

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Thanks for your reply. Sorry if I made you annoyed with my post. I totally see your point and also agree with Baddad as many people have ASD characteristics to a certain degree and in my husbands case he generally gets by OK especially as he has matured he seems to be alot better able to cope with situations, and quirks, like you say are interesting. I left an ex boyfriend years ago as he was boring and so I think I was actually attracted to his quirks in the first place !!!

 

I agree with you that it is too easy to get a brief understanding of something and to fit it to what you see and that the some of the diagnostic criteria could be applied to many people. A little knowledge can be dangerous....

 

Generally there isn't a problem for my husband but the problem is how he responds to stress (at home) and how he flares up as I really don't like this and can't cope with it. I suppose that is why I was thinking about if it was AS related maybe he would never change as it was part of his make up? and I would find it difficult to live with him never changing on this front.I hope he will learn some techniques that will help him repond to certain situations in a different way. He is reading a book at the moment and we will see how that helps him. I know his mum's behavior has had a big impact in the way he responds to problems/stress. Now she never changed but she couldn't see she had a problem as she always though others had the problem but my husband can see he has a problem and wants to change - so there is some hope!

 

Hope I haven't offended again.... I don't mean to if I have...

 

Thanks again for your reply.

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Hi again star -

 

Anger management/behaviour modification is a hugely complex subject in itself, with all sorts of techniques for consideration. A couple of things that's true for all of them are:

1 - acknowledgement that there is a problem (many people remain in denial about this - "It's not me - it's the others!)

2 - A genuine desire for change.

 

It sounds like DH has already made those mental adjustments and is actively seeking to do something positive, so that's a HUGE step in the right direction.

 

A good self help book is probably as good a place to start as any in terms of finding strategies that might be helpful. If you can access it, some sort of counselling would probably be beneficial too, both for identifying 'triggers' and exploring reasons why they are triggers (invariably there will be 'historical' associations - it's reckoned that any sort of anger response will be 20% 'Now' and 80% subconscious 'Been here before and don't like it!'

One technique that was mentioned to Ben recently was 'imagine someone you know and like/respect who NEVER loses their temper, and when you feel yourself getting upset think what THEY would do'... I really like the theory - what a shame we don't know anyone for the role model part! :lol:

 

Hope you can find some answers,

 

Very best

 

BD :D

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Hi Star,

 

It does sound like your husband has some autistic-type traits. Sometimes you can't tell how much a person is struggling. I didn't realise how much I was struggling until I learned about ASD and realised how much it related to me. If he is interested in learning about autism and Asperger's, it will help him to work out whether he feels he is on the spectrum.

 

A diagnosis can be helpful for a person who is having difficulties, and can be the key to the right treatment or support services. It can also be self-affirming. But many people choose not to seek diagnosis, and many who have autistic traits do not meet the full diagnostic criteria anyway. If learning about ASD helps you and your husband to understand each other better, it is a good thing, but it is not always necessary or worthwhile to seek diagnosis.

 

Sometimes ASD can lead to anger management problems, because it can be very frustrating when you find it hard to express your emotions. If your husband does have ASD, or just some autistic traits, it doesn't mean there is no hope for improvement with his anger management. It may actually help him to understand the cause of the issues, and be a good starting point for looking at ways to get things under control. If he is seeking professional help for anger management, it would be helpful for him to discuss his personality traits with the professional. What won't change is his personality, but then you presumably wouldn't have married him if you like his personality anyway.

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Thanks again for your reply. It is good to know that my husband has made such a big step by knowing that he has to change. Hopefully we can start finding some strategies that might be helpful. Certainly his mother never made this step and also didn't change! so I can feel more hopefully about things!!!

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Thanks Tally, Good to hear that there is hope in terms of anger management. It seems like he needs to address the triggers and formulate a strategy that works for him. I hope to try and help him with this so hopefully we can work something out that is effective. If not, I agree that some form of therapy or course may be useful.

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