My Aspie Radar

[Mumble]

A tricky situation where I can't work out whether I should do something, not do something, and if I should do something, what I should do . . .

 

There have been various suggestions made to me both by people who actually support me at uni (i.e. not disability support ) and by OGB/SBC that I try and set up some small group for AS students in London. Now this sounds like a good idea (although I have made it very very clear that sharing an AS diagnosis does not mean we are any more alike than two NT people - think I've finally got this point across ) in that we could share suggestions of what works/doesn't work, but moreso, act as, where necessary, a bit of pressure on the colleges that make up London uni, to recognise us and provide for our needs, and to make it clear that supporting 'physical disabilities and dyslexia', whilst great in itself, can be rather exclusionary to us. At the moment I've been feeling like I'm the only one causing problems - and I was told I was the only PG AS student - then a few weeks back when I saw SBC I was intoduced to someone else having similar problems, and I also know of others but all through informal connections. It has seemed (and this will seem cynical) that the uni have used the 'only one' excuse and 'unfamiliar territory' and 'we've not had anyone asking for the sort of support you need before' with others; which annoys me because it means they lied to me and I don't understand why they did this. I have been told that I can't be told of other AS students (I asked about UGs) because of 'confidentiality'. I'm wondering if there is more to this. However I don't know how I could find other AS students without breaking this confidentiality thing.

 

Anyway, since the beginning of this academic year my "Aspie Radar" has been on high alert at dinner times in hall. Everyone, and I mean everyone out of nearly 500 students, have congregated into large meal eating groups. Then there's me, occupying a table to myself at the side of the dining hall. Now I don't mind this - it would be nice to have someone to eat with sometimes, but I find the groups noisy, and they would probably find many aspects of me 'wierd' - so I ignore them and they ignore me and it seems to work out well all-round. However, I've noticed one lone student who also sits on his own at the table in front of me - we're rather conspicuous by our loneless amongst a room of groups. Now my "Aspie Radar" has been tuned into him and the more honed my oservations are, the more I'm convinced he could be AS - he clearly has similar issues with noise to me, and he also had the same 'disagreement' I had with the dinner ladies over the inconsistency of their menus!! . This afternoon, whilst other students were sleeping off yesterday's hangovers and I went for a stroll in the park and fed the squirrels he was there too, by himself, talking away to himself and hand-flapping - he could easily be a younger male version of me. Now I know that no-one can say someone's AS or not through observations like that and it would be dangerous to make such assumptions. However, my Aspie radar is working overtime on this one. The thing is I really want to make some contact with other AS students, even if it's only some email group list so if any of us have difficulties we have a bit of clout in saying, actually, no, we're not 'the only one', please take some notice of us. If this guy is AS, then the fact that he lives in my hall (I don't know what room - I'm not into stalking ) would seem a good place to start, particuarly as some issues I've had are accommodation issues (although my accommodation, as of this term, with the exception of the fireworks outside) is great this term).

 

So, in summary:

1. How might I make contact with other AS students in London without breaking this confidentiality thing?
2. Do I do anything about trying to make contact with this guy (even if he's not AS, I'd quite like to have someone I talk to sometimes in hall and someone on their own rather than already in a big group would seem a good place to start)?
3. If I do do something, what do I do?

[bid]

Not sure what to do about 1 and 3...

 

But 2: when you see this guy again in the refectory you could just say 'Hi' to begin with for a few times. Once you are a bit 'familiar', you could ask if you could share his table. If you see him in the park, just start by saying 'Hi, you're from my college, aren't you?'.

 

Topics of conversation: the safest is probably to ask what year he is in and what course he is doing.

 

If he does have AS, you might not get much of a response, at least to begin with...although if his course is his obsession, there might be no stopping him!

 

Good luck...although to be honest, I don't know why I'm giving you advice as I'm completely pants at this sort of thing and never speak to anyone!!

 

Bid

[Mumble]

Thanks Bid

 

Good luck...although to be honest, I don't know why I'm giving you advice

Because it's appreciated

 

you could just say 'Hi' to begin with for a few times.

Now you see this is the problem. That would seem sensible wouldn't it, but I'm ###### at even saying 'Hi' to people I know (just ask my supervisor who's now so used to me walking past him in the corridor and not saying 'hi' that it doesn't phase him at all) and the thought of saying it to some random guy kinda fills me with dread - but I guess if I want to do something, I kinda have to do that - something. And a usual 'something' would be to say 'hi'. How can such a little word be soooo tricky?

[witsend]

Hi Mumble i guess it's tricky because it's not just 'hi' but 'hi' with some hopes and expectations attached IYSWIM? I'd be a bit shy of doing it too, but your instincts are probably right and it would be great to think you could strike up a friendship with this guy to share ideas. May be best to perhaps go up and ask him a uni or course related question to break the ice and build on it from there and then hopefully get round to mentioning the AS thing when the time is right. Of course you will have to play a lot of it by ear so to speak which is the tricky thing eh?

I think the idea of contacting other AS students is great too. Is there a noticeboard you could post something on? Or a college magazine type thing you could 'advertise' in? Could the student union help? Does the uni have a website with a students chat area or anything where you could ask about it all? Sorry if they are naff ideas I'm a bit out of touch with the student scene.

Good luck with it though and keep us posted.

Luv Witsend.

[Bard]

This is where a badge comes in handy.

Then if he knows anything about AS, including whether he is an Aspie, he might make the first contact.

He might not be aware of the fact that he may be AS at all, my OH hasn't really verbalised anything that indicates he has thought about the possibility.

Failing that, course-based questions seem the most appropriate way to initiate a conversation.

[Mumble]

Is there a noticeboard you could post something on? Or a college magazine type thing you could 'advertise' in? Could the student union help? Does the uni have a website with a students chat area or anything where you could ask about it all? Sorry if they are naff ideas I'm a bit out of touch with the student scene.

Good luck with it though and keep us posted.

Thanks - these are really sensible ideas. The trouble with the notice board (my first thought) is that it infringes this 'confidentiality' rule that has been impossed on me and would require given out my email address and hence advertising my AS. Now I'm not ashamed of my AS, but I am ashamed of the reactions of some of the other students to anything 'different' (I've seen some quite horrible graffiti scrawled on notices about Islamic societies and gay & Bisexual societies and I've heard some of the things other students have said reading such notices - so I would be a bit scared about opening myself out to attack).

 

We have 'The London Student', a newspaper written by and for London Uni students and distributed free to all campuses and halls of residence - I was thinking of writing an article for it detailing briefly my experiences, the positives of AS and suggesting a group, but I need to give some sort of contact detail for that and that's where is falls down - one thing I did think was asking my tutor if I could ask for contact to go through her or one of the departmental email addresses to me - do you think this would work?

 

I don't know about a student area to the website - I'll look into that particularly given that so many AS people seem to like web-based communication - thanks for the ideas.

[Mumble]

This is where a badge comes in handy.

Then if he knows anything about AS, including whether he is an Aspie, he might make the first contact.

He might not be aware of the fact that he may be AS at all, my OH hasn't really verbalised anything that indicates he has thought about the possibility.

Failing that, course-based questions seem the most appropriate way to initiate a conversation.

Thanks Bard - this is the problem - if he's not or doesn't know he is, it would be very insulting for me to suggest it. I just wish I had the confidence to actually sit at his table and have a conversation with him. He certainly has the same taste for large quantities of chocolate sponge and doughnuts that I have

 

What sort of badge were you thinking of?

[Tally]

You could always get yourself an anonymous-sounding hotmail address.

 

If he's already eating you could go up and say, "do you mind if I join you?" Whether he's an aspie or just really shy, he would probably appreciate someone to sit with. You could prepare a few questions to ask in advance.

[Mumble]

You could always get yourself an anonymous-sounding hotmail address.

That's a useful idea - thanks. I'll see if the uni will allow it as there's a good reason - normally on 'college' stuff me have to use our uni-emails which are made up of our names.

[llisa32]

Hiya - you've got lots of really useful suggestions and ideas on this thread

 

Another approach I thought of which may or may not suit you is to be upfront about your 'reluctance' to initiate conversation etc...ie:

 

Instead of walking up to him/past him and saying 'Hi' how about approaching him when he's on his own at some point soon and opening with 'I'm not very good at starting conversations, but I've noticed you sometimes sit on your own for lunch/dinner etc - would you like some company?'

 

It kinda takes away the worry for you of him 'thinking' you're not very versed at opening conversations, as you've already acknowledged that in a very matter of fact way - does that make sense?

 

Sometimes for me if I know I'm scared about doing something either because I'll feel embarassed or I think I might mess it up, I'll state that in my opening sentance and I find it relax's me a little. I have been known to 'open' a presentation with the sentance 'wow, it's pretty scary having to talk to such a large audience' but for some reason once I've acknowledged how I'm feeling in a roundabout way it helps!!

 

On the other hand you may prefer some of the other approaches that have been suggested by much more sensible peeps! <'>

[witsend]

Hi again - just wondering.............how does the noticeboard thing breach confidentiality? Does that mean yours (which is surely your choice?) or the respondants (who would/could be anonymous if they wanted up to a point anyway?) am prob missing something here sorry.

I was thinking about the hotmail address too, would be safer for you.

And (maybe clutching at straws here - -) you could think about writing a brief note to the ? aspie chap just outlining your thoughts, I know that's a bit risky but it sounds like from what you've said he wouldn't be awful about it and if he is AS he might find it easier?

Just want to add I hope he would not be insulted re being asked if he is AS becasue having AS should not be something to be insulted about, IYKWIM? Just like if you asked someone if they were gay they should not be insulted wether they are or not. But then I could be being a bit naive here, as I have noted what you said about what some people write on the noticeboard . Predjudice is a horrible (but real) thing.

Take care - Luv Witsend.

[pearl]

You never know Mumble, his Aspie radar might have noticed you too!

The worst that can happen is he wont be interested. Then at least you tried.

Once you get to know him a bit better, you could say, oh such & such bothers me cos I'm AS ..

at which point he might say, Que? Or, bliddy hell, so am I!

But I'm rushing waaaaay ahead here. Stick to a shared love of chocolate based products for starters.

[Mumble]

You're right, prejudice is a really horrible thing - and it really annoys me that it happens in the uni environmnet which I have always found to be more accepting.

 

how does the noticeboard thing breach confidentiality? Does that mean yours (which is surely your choice?) or the respondants (who would/could be anonymous if they wanted up to a point anyway?) am prob missing something here sorry.

Well, no, I'm glad you've raised it, cause I didn't understand it either. As you say, if I breach my own confidentiality that's got to be my choice, but it went something like, they can't tell me who these people are (fair enough without their consent) but also they can't tell we with their consent nor can I ask people to tell me (which would of course be with their consent) because (and these are definately not my views or opinions) because it's still a confidentiality issue and they may not understand and consent to something they don't want to be part of I know this is a bad anology, but I can't see anything different in this and putting up a notice for a club/society I wanted to start . . . Am I being naive here?

 

I need to think about how best to get people to contact me. I do wonder if 'confidentiality' is being used as an excuse. SBC certainly thought it was a bit strange. I wonder if I've just taken it as truth because I do have a tendency to do that I might put some ideas on paper and go back to my tutor (who supports the idea) - she has a lot of clout so maybe able to help with 'barriers'

 

I'll have to think more about possible aspie guy - there's been some really good ideas on this thread - thanks - I'm just sooo bad at speaking to anyone (as those who've met me know) that I don't know if I would be able to do it - but I would like to.

[Mumble]

You never know Mumble, his Aspie radar might have noticed you too!

I think he may have done - I was having a bit of a 'flappy' moment a few days back and I caught him watching me . . .

[pearl]

Ho yes, then go for it. He's probs shyer than you are.

[mossgrove]

Mumble

 

A support group is a gppd thing if it works, but putting some aspies who don't know each other in a room and expecting the conversation to flow may not be realistic. Perhaps an evening could be organised with a speaker and it be made clear that it's OK to just listen.

 

I know you are persoonally bound by confidentiality, but there is nothing to stop you getting a poster put up asking if there are any students who have (or suspect they may have) AS, and channelling responses through one of your support workers by giving theor email address as a contact.

 

Perhaps one of your support workers could put the posters up for you?

 

Simon

[Mumble]

A support group is a gppd thing if it works, but putting some aspies who don't know each other in a room and expecting the conversation to flow may not be realistic. Perhaps an evening could be organised with a speaker and it be made clear that it's OK to just listen.

Absolutely - this was my reaction when it was mentioned - I'm hardly a talkative kinda person and it just wouldn't work. I'm thinking less 'support group' in terms of what might more traditionally be conceived of as a support group with regular meetings, and more support group via email group and having people who can come together and say, "actually, I'm not the only one". Plus of course there's my big thing of just because we're AS doesn't mean we automatically like each other - there's much more to our personalities than just the AS. If it worked and there wre interested people then some type of activity very occasionally might work out.

 

channelling responses through one of your support workers by giving theor email address as a contact.

 

Perhaps one of your support workers could put the posters up for you?

That would be ideal wouldn't it? Unfortunately there's a major flaw in that plan. I don't have a support worker (despite being assessed and having funding for 6 hours a week - but that's a whole other story). That's partly why there is a need for some sort of support/pressure group or way of contact between us. I have been told I am the only one and no one has asked for this support which is why they haven't been able to help. I have found out recently that I'm not the only one and others have had the same problems. It seems they have used our lack of communication and our acceptance of the 'truth' as an excuse not to give support. The thinking therefore is that if some way of having regular communication between us can be established, then we have some clout against being told we're the only one, and people will have to begin to take notice of the fact that we're here, we're entitrled to be here, we got onto our courses on merit alone, and we can't be ignored now.

[barefoot wend]

Mumble

 

I think that setting up a support group is a great idea and I can see how difficult it will be. If it were me I think I'd try to do it fairly anonymously on-line initially - I'd probably hunt down university forums (I was on The Student Room site the other day -perhaps that could be a starting point?). I'd also probably start with some kind of general thread about things that I find difficult about uni rather than be totally 'out there' shouting AS thread just to see the initial response and also to get the attention of those who may well be undiagnosed.

 

Good luck.

 

Barefoot

[Frangipani]

Hi Mumble

 

Haven't read all the other posts so sorry if I am repeating someone elses lol

 

When everyone met up for one of the forum meet-up's they took a book of Tony Attwoods Aspergers books.

 

Next time you pass this guy in the food hall have this on hand so he can get a glimpse. If he has AS and knows it it might be and ice breaker - just smile and say hi.

 

Good luck

 

Fxx

Edited October 22, 2007 by Frangipani

[mum23]

Hello Mumble,

 

With refrance to the support group, you may want to look at this link:

www.admin.cam.ac.uk/news/press/dpp/2007062901

 

Cambridge Uni has set up its own support group for Asperger's students and staff, you may be able to cantact the person in charge and find out how to go about setting up your group. I remember seeing some other Uni's with such support networks in place too but can not remember where at the moment. I hope the Cambridge bods are helpful.

Anna

[Mumble]

Hi Anna,

 

Thanks for the link - the Cambridge Pilot Project Support Service is actually something slightly different - it is where I would love to see all unis heading. What they have done is identify a multi-acency need and provide individualised support to AS students, reflecting their needs. My uni is, unfortunately, no where near this stage - they are very unawae of AS - to the extent that there are many people who could not imagine an AS student even at uni - and the 'support' they offer is not tailored to the individual but to a model of what they believe AS to be. They are basically very uneducated about this very complex condition - and this is why I think 'support' is perhaps the wrong word. More of a pressure group (but I don't like that word either!) - something to say, we're here, we have every right to be here, our needs have been recognised and we each carry a lot of funding via our DSAs, but we need appropriate support and understanding put in place. There are currenly far too many people who drop out either because of undiagnosed AS or because they are not supported. I would not be able to do my course without the support I get from my supervisor/tutor, but these are not actually the people who should be providing my support and it does somewhat blur the boundaries between academic and social support. My thinkng (hoping) is that by being a group we can exert a group influence, removing the possibility of them using their 'the only one' line. Eventually it would be great to have something like the Cambridge programme in place, but this requires solid foundations, an understanding of AS and a willingness to help (which could come through understanding particularly of the positives we can bring).

[mum23]

Hi Mumble,

I wish all educational establishments would look at the Cambidge pilot. I agree with you about AS students dropping out before they finish Uni, my AS brother dropped out of Uni even though he has a briliant mind, he was learning Chem, and computer scince, but left in his final year due to too much stress. He now drives trains on the London underground, he is fluent in Spanish, Italian, Latin can read and understand Russian not so good at speaking it, and has learnt some native Peruvian as his wife is from Perue. He was asked to join the secret sevice as a code bracker at one point as his maths skills are so tuned and he is a wiz with codes. I wonder how many more like him are out there!

Well Mumble I wish you well and hope you can make conntact with all the AS students that would like to join you. By the way do you have a Uni Dr. or nurse? Our local ASD support group got its numbers up by mailing school and practice nurse's and asking them to spread the word.

Bye for now,

Anna

[Mumble]

Aaaaarrrggghhh!!! - An update . . .

 

So, I thought guy caught in my Aspie Radar had left as he wasn't around for a while. Then he came back, but by this point I'd nicked his seat in the dining hall (a far more aspie friendly one) so he had to sit next to me. And so we've sat next to each other for several dinners, saying nothing to each other - but I guess if he was really uncomfortable he would move - there are other aspie friendly seats and he arrives after me.

 

So today, same arrangement. Then, totally out of the blue (think that's the correct saying, though don't know what's supposed to be blue), this other guy - normal fresher type, likes to get drunk etc., walks over to where I'm sitting. I thought he was going to ask for the salt & pepper, but he plonks himself down in front of me and says can I sit here. I'm, thinking, that's a stupid question because you are, so obviously you can, and starts wittering on about going out and designer shops and getting drunk and parties - all the stuff that I'm really interested in About five minutes later stuck in my radar aspie guy gets up to leave - and he gives me some sort of look - I can't really describe it - but it was sort of - oops, enjoy trying to escape from that one - and he smiled at me.

 

So here's the plan for Tuesday - I'm going to be late for dinner and plonk myself down opposite aspie guy with the line along the lines of "I hope you don't mind me sitting here - I'm protecting myself from strange peeps trying to sit with me!!" Think it'll work??

[llisa32]

Very VERY good idea! - he seems to be making friendly gestures...so at the very least you're on the way to making a friend - whether he turns out to be aspie or not.

 

He may well be an aspie - but have no idea he is

 

Good luck for Tuesday - well done!!

 

Did you speak with party goer blokey?

[Mumble]

Did you speak with party goer blokey?

I answered his questions politely and he retreated hastedly - he was either very hungry or wanted to be rid of me quick having worked out he'd made a bad choice!!!

[hev]

yeah good luck for tuesday,uim thinking the approach you have planned will work

[Nic m]

Mumble i love it very clever approach!

I hope it works

Nic

[Clare63]

No harm in trying Mumble, think you have already broken down some barriers by already sitting together for dinners. Whether he's aspie or not, you both obviously feel comfortable sitting together.

Good luck

 

Clare x x x

Edited November 25, 2007 by Clare63

[pearl]

Keep us posted!

[Mumble]

Well that didn't work!!!!! :lol:

 

The essential element was missing - he didn't turn up

[Nic m]

try try again!

Nic

[Clare63]

Ah well, I am sure there will be a next time....

 

Clare x x x

[Mumble]

Ah well, I am sure there will be a next time....

Tomorrow!!!!

[Clare63]

That's the spirit.....you go girl !

[hev]

go mumble go mumble

[Mumble]

The flaw repeats itself. I think I need a new plan :lol:

[Clare63]

Before you had said (25/11) he had not been around for while, perhaps he's gone off somewhere again, but will be back !!!!

Be patient, Mumble, be patient.....

 

 

Clare x x x

[witsend]

This is better than corrie - can't wait for the next instlament Mumble!

Luv Witsend.

[pearl]

The flaw repeats itself. I think I need a new plan :lol:

 

Well at least you are noticing he's not there. I credit those new specs

[Mumble]

Well at least you are noticing he's not there. I credit those new specs

This is true . . .

 

This is better than corrie

Corrie must be pretty bad then . . . Well the next 'episode' will be around 6pm tonite - stay tooned!!!! :lol: