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Tez

Opinions and advice please

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I would appreciate any comments or advice on a dilema that I have.

 

My son is 13 and in the past has been severely bullied at school. As a result of this the school has instigated a safe zone next to the Deputy Head's office where he and his friends can spend break times. This safe zone has become a bit of a magnet and my son has suddenly found that he has lots of "friends" that he never previously knew about. In addition a number of a other pupils are trying to muscle in and cause trouble.

 

About two weeks ago a group of boys kicked the room's door off its hinges in an attempt to get into the room. They have been dealt with by the school. There has been ongoing hassle by other boys which culminated in some trouble yesterday.

 

Two boys tried to force their way into the room and were told by my son and one of his friends that they weren't allowed in. One of the two boys punched my son's friend, who then decided to push the intruders out of the room and closed the door. The two intruders forced the door open and proceeded to push and kick my son's friend and ultimately ended up trying to strangle him. My son saw him turning blue and so dragged the two boys off him by their necks.

 

I reported this matter to the Deputy Head and expressed my concern that these events were occurring in what was supposed to be a safe zone for my son.

 

My son has returned home from school today and said that he is going to be punished for using excessive force. He will be told his punishment tomorrow when the Deputy Head has had time to consider the matter.

 

I have emailed the Deputy Head and asked him to phone me before he discusses this matter any further with my son.

 

My dilema is that although I would have preferred it if my son had not grabbed these boys by the back of their necks I don't really feel that he had much option. I also feel that the school is fully aware of his diagnosis of AS and of how vulnerable he is, after all that is why he is in the supposed safe zone in the first place. They are also fully aware that he is unaware of the appropriate action to take when he is in these situations and because of his communication difficulties he is unlikely to consider trying to get adult help.

 

He is currently saying that if he is given detention or community service he won't do them and will walk out of school and won't go back. He is well behaved and has no history of aggression or violence. The school do not dispute his side of the story.

 

My dilema is do I allow the school to punish him or do I put my foot down and back him up. I currently have a good working relationship with the school but it has taken me many years to achieve this I would not like to mess it up.

 

Sorry I've rambled abit. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

Edited by Elefan

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Got to go out and am racing I will post later. First impressions are that the school have FAILED to manage this situation - which they after all set up. It's they and not your son who should be punished.

 

Carole

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Absolutely under no cicumstances IMO should your son be punished.....he was only acting in self defence and protecting his friend from a dangerous situation.....I applaud him for doing so.

 

The bullies were the ones in the wrong.......they should not have been where they were.....they used force to enter an off limits zone....an area specifically designated for the use of your child as a safe area......

 

Sorry but if this was happening to my son I would make sure that I would be present when they talk to your son....refuse any form of punishment and then point out to the Deputy Head how the school had failed to protect your son from a situation that could have been potentionally life threatening.

 

Just wonder what punishment is being given to the bullies??????

 

My 8 year old is currently home educated because for two years he was subjected to the most horrific forms of abuse from two pupils.....so bad that at the age of 7 and half he asked us how he could kill himself!!!!!

 

I know exactly how you feel because J decided to take the bullies on himself one day and he physically attacked the main culprit......two days before school photo's...bully had a lovely black eye!!!!

 

When we were called into school....J was the one being threatened with exclusion until I pointed out how the school had failed to protect a child with a disability from being mentally tortured by the bullies....and how the school had failed to follow the Dof E guidelines with regards to bullying....the school didnt even have an anti-bullying policy in force!!!!!

 

Good Luck.....it's not nice when things like this happen....

 

:robbie:

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Hello Tez, I would back you and your son up on this matter - your son acted in a way that he thought appropriate at that point in time. Your son was only trying to help his friend.

 

He should not be punished for something which escalated beyond his control.

 

An important question to ask the headteacher is "where were the staff when this fiasco happened????"

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Hi Tez

I read this a few hours ago & was so angry, I had too go away to get clear what I wanted to say and I've got it now.

In my opinion, under no circumstances should your son be punished :shame:

Why ?

Firstly, as already stated, where were members of staff when this took place ?

Second, I would ask how an adult/staff member would have handled it ? By politly asking the 'animals' in question to refrain ???

Whilst your son appears to have taken radical action, it would sound as though he responded calmly to a very scarey situation and stopped it. He didn't beat these 'boys' around the head with a chair, he simply removed them, bearing in mind there was two of them, I reckon he deserves a medal.

I would say 'stand by him'. I hear what you say about your'relationship' with the school, however your son relies on you as his advocate.

He is not guilty of anything other than useing common sense in a uncommon situation.

It saddens me to read this, why does your son, 'need' a safe area ? To protect him, I know, but it seems so very wrong that the victim is being segregated, whilst the bullies have the freedom of the playground. Surely it should be the other way around.

Be strong and put your foot down.

Good luck

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Just got back in and having read the posts it's all been said. In my opinion the school have let your son down big time. Your son has shown empathy by stepping in and helping his friend. This should be rewarded not punished.

 

Maybe the school have become complacent and believe that you will accept most things to keep a good relationship with them. They over stepped the mark this time and need to be told.

 

I do not even know that I would send my son to school tomorrow. I think that I would probably ring and ask for an urgent appointment and go and discuss this before letting him face the music. Make em dance and not your son.

 

After reading some of todays posts on this forum it makes me really glad that we now home educate - although I do accept that we should not have to.

 

Carole

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Thanks everyone. It helps to hear others views to try and get things in perspective. If anyone has an opposing view I would be happy to hear it and I promise I won't shout at you.

 

Carole - Thanks for your comments. We had already decided that we weren't going to send him to school until we had spoken to the Deputy Head and sorted things out, but thank you for confirming our view. He's in a bit of a state at the moment. He's pacing alot and picking at himself, refusing to speak and communicating only with grunts and hand gestures. He is clearly not coping and has, in my opinion, already been punished enough. It's such a pity really because within the constraints of the school environment this Deputy Head has previously been really helpful. However, he admitted in an email to me last night that he had been aware for some time of problems with this safe zione and that he knew that he was going to have to make alternative arrangements. In my view it is his inaction over this matter that has allowed the situation to occur.

 

Dylansplace -

I would ask how an adult/staff member would have handled it ? By politly asking the 'animals' in question to refrain ???

 

That's exactly what the Deputy Head told my son he should have done. He should have not intervened at all but quietly and firmly told them to stop it!!!!

 

Helen and Rabbit - Thanks for your comments. I agree that the situation just esculated beyond his control and agree that he shouldn't be punished. There were no adults present and he would have had to run along a corridor to the Secretay's office to get adult help so he felt he had no option but to intervene as his friend was going blue in the face. I would agree that the situation occured because of the school's mismanagement.

 

Thank you all for your support.

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Tez

 

I think you should support your son and ask to present when he is disciplined.

 

He was in a supposed 'safe zone' and it is the school's duty to ensure that it is maintained as a safe zone otherwise there is no point calling it this.

 

1) It should be supervised

 

2) It should be made very clear to all other students that if any trouble is caused in this area by 'outsiders' they will be seen as the perpetrators and punished accordingly.

 

I can well understand that you are keen to not jeopardise a good relationship with the school and hopefully they will feel likewise and listen to your request.

 

With any luck any punishment meted out to your son will be 'in name' only and the bullies will bear the brunt of remedial action.

 

Good luck

 

Barefoot

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Tez,

 

I've got nothing to add to what's already been said, I agree with it all. This is entirely the school's fault - they should be monitoring the safe area.

 

What do the parents of your son's friend think about the situation? Can you enlist their support? Presumably they have strong feelings about their son being almost strangled.

 

I think your son acted in the only way possible.

 

K

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Thanks Kathryn,

 

The parents of my son's friend feel the same way as I do and have also phoned the school asking for the Deputy Head to phone them to discuss the matter. He is also going to be punished because his reaction to the situation was also deemed to be inappropriate. I'll just be grateful when I can get to speak to the school and sort something out. I would like to hear what their reasons are for punishing the two victims when they are not disputing their story.

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That's exactly what the Deputy Head told my son he should have done. He should have not intervened at all but quietly and firmly told them to stop it!!!!

That s ridiculas !! like they would have listened !!

When I postested this I thought maybe I was being biased, however reading further postings I feel happier with what I wrote.

Your son is clearely distressed and needes to know that he has your support

Keep him at home. I would. Your son is being bullied at school by peers he doesn't need it from adults

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I don't agree that your son should be punished. Even the law recognises that reasonable force can be used to defend others! My general thoughts on this sorry episode are:

 

1) Why should your son and his friends be the ones to have to go to a seperate room in the first place? Surely it's the bullies who should be treated in this way.

 

2) What precautions were taken to make this room "safe"?

 

3) Why on earth were there no staff members around to ensure that the room stayed safe. Even a quick visit every 5-10mins may have been enough to prevent this.

 

4) What planet are these people living on???? Do they really think that saying "Kindly desist from strangling my companion" is going to stop someone?????? :angry:

 

Definitely stick to your guns.

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I do not even know that I would send my son to school tomorrow. I think that I would probably ring and ask for an urgent appointment and go and discuss this before letting him face the music

 

I would agree with this one. He was supposed to be in a safe zone and it clearly was far from safe. I do know what you mean about not wanting to destroy the relationship with the school if it's a reasonably good one, but your son also needs to feel you are on his side if he is in the right and you believe he was, too. If it were me, I'd have far more chance of keeping a cool head whilst putting my views strongly if my son had not already been unfairly punished.

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Hi Tez -

Firstly, I want to say I agree with everything that's already been said, but I AM going to play devils' advocate...

I think that the school have a duty to investigate the matter fully, even if it does appear to be a 'cut and dry' situation. Until that happens, they're not in any position to dispute ANY parties account of events...

While I totally agree that your son acted in a reasonable manner given the situation, the fact that the school can't be seen to endorse his response is sort of understandable. Had the situation escalated, it may have been far harder to qualify events if your son was seen to be 'joining in'.

Right "D.A. 'duties' over (and yes, I am aware that I set myself up for some F'nar F'nar humour there!) I'd add that a 'safe' room is, by definition, not safe if it's getting its door kicked in and acting as a magnet for all of the school bullies... Like it or not, the school are going to have to rethink this. In an ideal situation, of course, the aggressive element should be 'penned' and the non aggressive element allowed to get on with their lives. Unfortunately, that's not what happens either inside or outside of school. The difference is that outside people have choices about how, when and where they find 'shelter'. They would not, generally, choose to hole up in one highly visible and accessible area without some sort of 'authority' figure being on hand to support them. Tell the school to shut up and staff up!

L&P

BD

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Thanks baddad,

 

I agree with everything that you say. I understand that the Deputy Head has fully investigated the situation and that all the parties involved have given him written statements of their version of events.

 

I also agree that the school are in a difficult position and would not want to be seen to be condoning any physical response to a problem. I suppose really that is my problem, I am trying to be too reasonable and am trying to see it too much from the school's point of view. However, like you having considered all aspects I am inclined to believe that his response was reasonable and would tend to agree that the school should "shut-up and staff up".

 

Thank you for playing Devil's Advocate because it does help me to see the school's view point, also I would not want to be seen as trying to undermine their authority so I have to be convinced that I am acting reasonably and in my son's best interests.

 

Fel - Thank you for your comments. Yes, you are right I must support my son, particularly as I believe that he was in the right. My relationship with the school is secondary to my relationship with my son.

 

Jericho- I agree that he acted legally. It is the same dilema as the current debate on reasonable force and burglary. I believe that, given the circumstances, he acted both responsibly and reasonably.

Edited by Tez

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Hi Tez,

 

Just a point of law. When I was younger, I used to do Karate, and before we took our exam for our first belt we had to have a lisence, part of this was a contract saying we would only use our skills in ours or others defence. In other words we were not allowed to start a fight but if someone attacked us were were allowed to use reasonable force to defend ourselves and also if we found someone in trouble we were allowed to assist, the example given was, If we came across a policeman in a fight we could help him, in fact I think we were expected to help if my memory serves me correctly.

 

This is a lawful document and I am sure if the police had been consulted they would give their full backing given the situation.

 

I am not saying you should involve the police but your son is a law abiding citizen and should be proud of himself for the way he acted not punished. I would like to think anyone would act in the same way.

 

Viper.

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Thankyou everyone for your input. After a sleepless night I emailed the school this morning with my views on this matter. They phoned a while ago and having discussed the situation with them they have agreed that the situation escalated beyond my son's control, that the action that he took was appropriate and that his use of force was not disproportionate. They have completely backed down on the issue of punishment and apologised for any upset that they caused.

 

They have got some problems with maintaining the safe zone and their alternative suggestions for my son's safety were not acceptable because of his sensory issues. They accept that this is a problem that they will have to resolve and that it is their problem.

 

They have also told me that despite their best endeavours they are aware that my son is struggling to cope emotionally with even the part time schooling that he is doing. They intend to involve the EP with the view to getting all the paperwork in place so that they can consider trying to obtain a place for him at Triple Crowne, my understanding of which is that it is a privately run school with a very small intake which specialises with 1 to 1 teaching of children who for medical or psychological reasons can't cope with school but for whom a LEA Specialist School would not be suitable. Should this be considered desirable I would be fully consulted and a move would only be considered if I agreed.

Edited by Tez

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Congratulations Tez,

 

You got the result that both your son and you desreve. They can not expect your son to take responsibility for his actions when they are not making every effort to make sure that he can do so.

 

The Triple Crown sounds interesting and with possibilities. I know we have parents in Sunderland who have opted for private education - but they are footing the bill.

 

Carole

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Tez,

 

I'm glad the school have shown some common sense in this situation. I really hope things work out for your son. How do you feel about this private school: do you think it would be a good move for him?

 

K

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Kathryn I really don't know how I feel about this private school I have a completely open mind but I haven't got enough information about it to have an informed opinion. The Psychiatrist at CAHMS had already mentioned it to me as a possibility and the school have some experience of it from another AS pupil who they managed to obtain a place for. It is something else that I will have to investigate but it sounds like a possibility.

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Yes, the school has backed down and rightly so, but your son and you shouldn't have been put in that position in the first place :angry:

 

Total incompetence... :angry:

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