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JenRose

sperating from husband

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me and dh are seperating.

at the moment we have told mike that dh is working nights and sleeping at his friends while the kids are on half term cos its too noisy.

but next week that excuse isnt going to work.

rosie is only 3 and too young to understand and i can tell her that daddy is at work.

we are trying to keep to a routine so dh is still bathing the kids and putting them to bed and he,s going to come around on saturday to take them out.

 

im going to have to tell mike though and i havent a clue how to go about it.

 

any advice would be really appreciated.

 

thanks

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JenRose >:D<<'> I'm sorry.

 

Can you and your husband explain to your son together? If you can put up a united front and show him you are both still very much a part of his life, he is likely to feel happier about it. Explaining what is going to happen will also make it easier for him to deal with. Telling him that things are going to change will be hard for him to deal with, but in the long term, he will cope better with the changes if he's prepared for them.

 

I'm sure it all seems impossible right now, but families do go through this, and they do cope.

 

Take care of you too.

 

T x

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Mine were 6 and 7 when I separated from my ex. Telling them was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My youngest was more upset because she's a daddy's girl. My oldest doesn't display emotion or talk about feelings so how it affected her I can't say except I didn't notice any changes in her behaviour...she was already so stressed out about school by then. The only thing I would say is to make sure that they understand that you separating is not their fault . Also stress that you both love them just the same. Keeping the routine going sounds like a very good idea...maybe that could continue for a while? When things have to change, maybe you could explain well in advance, keeping any changes gradual.

 

So sorry Jen, know how tough it is. Take care. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Jen >:D<<'>

 

even though I've been through the same, I don't have any specific advice because tbh even looking back I think we just sort of stumbled through it. Our seperation took place when we came back from living in the US for two years; so it was sort of natural, in as much as we lived in one place and my husband worked 200 miles away. By the time we explained it to the children they were already used to us not living together. My children were very young too, my youngest was just turned two and the eldest was 6.

 

Just take it one day at a time Jen, and the best thing you can do for your kids is to be totally honest about it as soon as you can. They fret and worry when they don't know what's happening, because no matter how much you try to protect them they do pick up on things and 'feel' the change even though they might not know what it is. I made the mistake in the early days of dealing with their upset as something I could 'make better'; the turning point for us came when I realised that I couldn't make it all better but I could support them through it. ie, 'I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't make it go away, but we are both still here for you and love you and will help you through'. sorry if I've explained that badly (it's hard to do it in a few short sentences).

 

I hope things go as smoothly as they can for you in these sort of circumstances. It can't have been an easy decision for you especially with all the battles you've just been through regarding education, and are still going through for your little girl >:D<<'>

 

flora Xx

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Hi Jenrose, sorry to hear you're seperating >:D<<'>

 

I officially moved out from my ex's house when J was 3.5 years old, at the time I said that mummy and daddy were still best friends and still both loved him lots and that we were going to 'share' him going forward. I was lucky in that my ex helped us move and did things in the new house and that helped J to 'see' that we were still 'friends'

 

We were very very strict on routine, and made sure that we kept to it as much as possible and indeed have continued practically with the same routine now for the past 5 years. It's slightly more flexible these days as sometimes J will want to have an extra night or mums, or sometimes he will go away with dad. We've never told him he has a 'choice' as such about which nights/days he's with either of us because I feel he's too young to have to make a choice between either of us. What we do is if I sense that J's feeling a bit down or poorly and I know he'd rather stay at Mine I call his dad and we either miss a day or agree up front with J a diff one...and the same in reverse if J wants to do something different with dad.

 

He has his own bedroom exactly as he wants it at both houses, so that he feels secure and that there is 'space' for him.

 

I have never ever said anything derogatory about his dad, and have encouraged him at all times to play an active role - he normally has J 2 or 3 nights a week with one of those being sunday pm. J always knows which days of the week are 'daddy's days - but if there if anything going on with a friends party or something he really wants to do then we change the days.

 

J has asked why we are not together..I said it was because Mummy loved Daddy like a brother now, and not like a boyfriend and that sometimes that 'just happens' with grownups...he said 'ah...so does that mean you don't want to kiss him?? - ermmm...yes J something like that :)

 

I have over the last few years started lots of conversations with isn't daddy lovely...your bedroom at daddys is great....lucky you getting 2 lots of pressies for xmas etc etc.

 

It can be tough, I don't know the reasons for your seperation but if you and ex can manage to act as nice to each other as possible, put the kiddies on top agenda and file the rest then hopefully you'll all get through it and out the other side

 

Good luck and take care >:D<<'>

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Jen, I'm really sorry to hear your news.

 

I have no advice to give, but I hope you can find a way through this that fits everyone. Good luck.

 

 

Karen

x

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thanks for the replies, it really helps.

we will not be getting back together, this has been a long time in coming and tbh the only reason we stayed together was because i was so busy with fighting mikes and rosies battles and seperating at the time would have pushed us all over the age, however since mike is in school and things are going ok the cracks in our marriage are so evident.

 

dave has found the fact that i have devoted my time and energy into the kids hard, he is very jealous and i cannot put up with that any longer.

 

mike has very low self esteem and the home environment is making that worse, that and dave showers love on rosie and can be nasty at times to mike and im not having it any longer.

 

we are going to relate next week for seperation counselling which im hoping will benefit us.

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Thinking of you. I separated from Es dad when he was nine months but we remained friends and althouh we were 400 miles apart he came to visit and we behaved as a family unit for E. I always told him daddy works away. Since the dx he said he cant handle it and walked out of both of our lives without a backward glance. E does not often mention him but when he does I tell him Daddy is busy working but loves him very much.(although I can think of many things I would like to say! :angry: ) It is very hard to keep your emotions under wrapps at a time like this but we do it for our kids. I think it is fab you are keeping routine for the kids but VERY hard for you. I did it for three and half years. Keep your chin up. wish I had a few words of wisdom but alas I dont.

take care

Lin

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You have no right or wrong answers ..you will do your best and that is good enough for you.I admire your strenght and your courage .I think your brillant to accept a situation is on longer working,, you seem to be moving and doing what is for the best.

 

 

I cant imagine youd ever fail your kids Stay strong!!!!!!!! best wishes ,you brave women xoxoxoxo shars

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Hi Jenrose >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

My sister pushed me to get solicitors involved re finances. I quickly realised all they were doing was creating WW3 and exhorbitant fees when all I really needed one on one with a counsellor. I sacked the solicitor and told them what I thought when I received the bill. They were sorry and ripped it up.

 

Best thing - talk it over with a counsellor first, then bring hubby to counelling. Then work calmly and sensitively with the kids when you are 110% sure separation is the only course of action.

 

People get a rigorous training workout to get a drivers license and drive a car. But none of this to get married and have children.

 

I think we all go into a relationship with the view the other person is supposed to complete us. This is nonsense. This will never happen we need to complete ourselves. They were talking about this very issue at a women's conference I attended.

 

Just sending you lots of these >:D<<'> >:D<<'> :pray::pray:

 

Fear often derails thinking, talking helps. I don't want to say do this or that.....! The answers will come to you.

 

Keep well

 

love

Frang xx

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Jen, I'm sorry to hear your news. When there's no other option the best is to separate without a war. Children usually feel that they are to blame which later can have consequences to their emotional wellbeing, so my only advice is that whatever you say to them, tell them clearly that it's not their fault and that daddy and mummy love them just the same and will always do.

 

Take care >:D<<'>

 

Curra

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Jen - hi sorry am gonna have to sign off any minute now for mummy duties, but just wanted to say how sorry I am, and I know it's awful I have been there, but you will get through it and things will get better eventually. >:D<<'> To you - take care -

Luv Witsend.

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Jen, I'm sorry to hear your news. When there's no other option the best is to separate without a war. Children usually feel that they are to blame which later can have consequences to their emotional wellbeing, so my only advice is that whatever you say to them, tell them clearly that it's not their fault and that daddy and mummy love them just the same and will always do.

 

Take care >:D<<'>

 

Curra

 

 

Certainly agree with this point. The moment you tell them they will wonder what they did to make it happen.

 

All the best

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Relate will help you decide how to tell the children.

 

We told T together, that we didn't love each other any more, but that we both still loved him. Children want to know what it will mean for them - so if you can explain where Daddy will live, and when he will see them, etc it will help.

 

My son called it getting "unmarried".

 

It was suggested that we drew a big picture showing the different houses and had pictures of the people and played out what would happen (getting in car, going to Daddy's, etc). T liked doing this.

 

You can also get books from the library that deal with parents living apart.

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No advice to add but just sending more of these >:D<<'> >:D<<'> .

 

I hope you all get through this difficult phase with the minimum of pain.

 

K x

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thanks for all the kind replies.

 

it has been a hard couple of weeks, on my own with 2 kids and asd, i dont have to explain what thats like on here!!!!

 

we went to relate on thursday, D admitted straightaway that he treats Mike appallingly and he broke down when he was speaking about what he has been like. the relate lady did not hold back on what she thought he now needs to do.

 

he had the kids all day yesterday and mike was very happy and he,s been round to see them today and he sat and watched a tv programme with mike and hugged and kissed him when he left which made me very :tearful: .

 

we have a long way to go, we are going back to relate, i told him and the counsellor that i had enough of being punished for fighting for my kids from dave and that in my mind the marriage was over that i couldnt fight the LEA,SS and dave, he wants to give it another go but i said for the time being i want to stay seperated.

 

relate have suggested bringing mike for counselling but im holding off on that at the moment cos we have told him that dave is having a "break" cos he,s very stressed and working long hours and he,s accepted that.

 

thanks for all the advice i really appreciate it.

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>:D<<'> JenRose >:D<<'>

 

I think he needs to show you how things could be different before you consider giving it another go. Staying strong is hard to do, but it does seem like the right thing.

 

Admitting he has treated mike badly is a huge step, but still only the first one. You don't have to make any final decisions yet.

 

Can Relate help your husband and your son build a better relationship?

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