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mum22boys

DS2 Had assessment today

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Hi,

 

R had his CDAC assessment this morning. He is 4 years old and was referred there after being seen by 2 peads within the last year. My elder son M is 7 and was diagnosed ASD in April. R's assessment was with a different consultant and was a very different set up. There were 6 proffessionals there studying him and us!

It was becoming very obvious half way through that they were hinting the behaviours R was displaying was down to our parenting! Now the things we were concerned about were things like having to have his cereals lined up every morning, walking on a certain side of the road, screaming if when i collect him from nursery that i walk the wrong way round the table, forgetting his lunch, only eating lunch in car when it is moving, insisting i strap him in car, push buggy etc.... the list just goes on.....

He also is displaying simular social problems to his brother, talks to kids in class but wont acknowledge them out of class or interact with them at parties etc.

His play skills are good and we were half expecting no diagnosis although it was the peads that have said there was social/communication problems.

They have said today that his challenging behaviours are because we are letting him control us. I can't see this after all he is not throwing screaming fits and tantrums because he can't have a bar of chocolate etc it is because i am walking the wrong way round a table! They just want to send us on a parenting course!

I feel very upset and depressed over this. It made me wonder if they thought M shouldn't have had a dianosis and we were just bad parents. M is very different and has poor eye contact, no imaginative play and very poor social skill. This has left me feeling a failure as a parent and I can't see why R's behaviours are down to us.

Has anyone else had this?

I am now concerned that several years down the line that R gets worse and there is no help available because they just see us as not parenting properly.

 

Thanks for reading this and i'd be grateful for any feedback and comments on what we've been through today.

 

mum22boys

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> It's so easy isn't for the 'professionals' to imply that parenting is causing a child's difficulties, I can only imagine they do it because they see us as low-hanging fruit, i.e. let's get the parents first before doing anything else; make them attend a parenting course then after that box has been ticked, we can think again. However, because most parents do reflect (erroneously) on whether they have played a role in contributing to their child's difficulties, it is this tendency that makes us so sensitive to any implications that are made in that direction. But you are not a failure for having a child/ren on the spectrum, any more than you would be for having a child/ren with cerebral palsy or Tourette syndrome, or anything else. No loving parent can cause autism.

 

I can imagine the distress that you must be feeling; two children with difficulties must be tough. But even if you had more than two children with difficulties, it would still not implicate your parenting. You are seeking help for your family and it is support that you need - not suggestions of blame! Are you able to take some time away from being a parent, even if it's just for an hour or so? I hope you feel better soon >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Edited by Tjololo

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You know what I would say to them?

Is the parenting course for parents of children on the autistic spectrum? If so, I am interested. If not, go boil your head!

 

I would have welcomed such a parenting course when JP was little as we just winged it basically, but alas there wasnt anything back then. But, as I say, ONLY to outline strategies etc. that will help with autistic challenges. Anything else simply isnt appropriate.

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Hi.You have a right to ask to be seen by a different consultant to obtain a second opinion.

If you contact PALS then they should be able to advise you regarding local procedures.

If you have one child with ASD then you are aware enough to know what to be concerned about.

Please do not think you are bad parents.The consultant would not have Dx M unless they were happy to do so.

Even if R does not turn out to have ASD that does not mean you should be labled as bad parents. :wallbash::wallbash:

You have a right to be treated with respect and courtesy.

Stick to your guns.It took us a long time to get appropriate support for Ben but we got there in the end.Karen.

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Thanks so much for your replies, they meant a lot >:D<<'>

 

Me and DH were talking about todays events and both feel we were patronised. It was continually implied that we had brought these behaviours about. basically as DH said they had made their minds up in the prof meeting before the assessment.

 

We told them we felt they were saying we were bad parents and they said they never meant to imply that at all. every example we gave them was faced with challenging questions. Such as, we were describing that he was sent out of swimming lessons every week for hitting and kicking and screaming at the swimming teacher. She would tell me she couldn't have him in the pool. The consultant said ' what did you do then?' So I said 'well take him home'. She couldn't understand why and said in not so many words that we should have perservered! WHAT.

 

Oh but they know best .... because they work with autistic children everyday...and yes we live with one which is a hundred times harder.

 

I feel very disappointed with today. It's not we wanted the diagnosis.... we wanted answers not the finger being pointed!

 

Thanks again.

 

mum22boys

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hi

 

in a similar position myself

had camhs appointment today with my 2nd son-intially i got him there because i thought he was hyperactive

but they dont agree

but they are saying about autistic spectrum traits ect some stuff he does ....but they are going discuss it with others to rule out if its learnt behaviour of my 6 year old son

 

heads in mess tonight -going through it all in my head....so draining all of it

im used to been made to feel its me

 

trouble is she couldnt send me on parenting course cause ive done them all already :rolleyes:

 

so im booked in to see behavioural person next week to cover both my sons.

 

but i know how you feel -about feeling its like made to feel like its you.....best thing to do is not let it get to you....after all you have had it all before so you are experianced in what your dealing with,so i wouldnt worry what they think -just keep pushing .

 

rq xxx

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Hi

My eldest was 2yrs when "extreme" behaviours were noted and he was assessed at child development centre over a long period of time. I too got referred and sent on a parenting course when James was about 4yrs old as another team we were referred to thought that because I worked full time I was not bonding with him and did not understand him (they also said that a behaviour management course would not work with him as he was looked after by someone else while I was at work and it would confuse him if we were trying to implement something that the others were not). So I attended the 12 wk 1 afternoon a week course and at the end they wrote to CDC and said they noted same behaviours we had described, could they please assess him for ASD!!!

 

It is annoying I know but if possible could you attend to show willing and then you may find similar. It took until James was 5 to get PDA diagnosis and this was confirmed at age 7 by a visit to Elizabeth Newson centre in Nottingham.

Interestingly my son who is 2 1/2 has just attended assesment at same centre and although his behaviours are much more subtle - to me - than James' were (apart from bad temper and extreme behaviour towards others) they think he has an ASD, as they have picked up stuff in the assessment although they want to do more assessments at nursery to confirm. I think the fact that my other son is diagnosed with a pervasive development disorder has made them look more closely this time.

 

 

James had issues with going "wrong way" - different way to school/ grandmas house, walking round town, someone using "his chair" at hospital/ cafe/ nursery etc and was very possessive of toys, disliked being moved from activities unless it was his choice and his play was quite repetitive. He used to play this game called lucky ducks and when he picked them, they all had to face the same way and if you turned one facing opposite he woud go mad and turn it back again!

 

The team do sound like they were a bit patronising - what the hell are you supposed to do if your child is hitting the swimming teacher take them in for another go - its obvious it was too much for your son (and the teacher, not to mention yourselves).

 

Even now I sometimes feel I am getting it wrong and what I would like is someone to come live with me and show me how to do it properly!! (lets see how they cope :devil: )

 

Sorry you did not get the result you wanted. And of course please ingore the above if you feel offended by it, that is what worked for me (although of course at time I was livid that they thought I did not love or understand my son because I worked full time!)

Edited by westie

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Westie, i value anyones advice, so thanks.

 

Funny enough I only just finished a course last night, a six week one on ASD. So when they suggested I go on a parenting course I said 'how many do you want me to go on?' They asked what i have been on and i listed this last one, the NAS earlybird course, local support groups etc... What really got to me was the one they want me to go on is for a general special needs parenting course. Now it is run at the same time the ASD one ran and I was told by the people who ran that course that they started it because the special needs one didn't cover enough Autism issues!!!! Now what confuses me is that if as they say my child is 'normal' and has no needs why do they want me to go on a special needs course???? I will be asking SN Health Visitor when she phones!

 

But yes I will probably attend because I will never have anyone throw back at me that I didn't take their advice. I am seriously wishing tonight we had never had R put on the CDAC list as the peads wanted. This has been one day I never want to repeat again. To make a parent feel they are not doing an adequate job when you have one child with autism and another with behavioural problems could really be damaging. I am trying to forget what has happened and pick myself back up again, but i know it will be hard.

 

Thanks for your advice,

 

mum22boys >:D<<'>

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hi I went through this with Ryan I was told his problems were down to the fact that his faterh and I had split up, it wasnt his problems were there before we split it was just that i was now dealing with it on my own I attended x2 parenting courses 1 of them off my own back to prove that it was not bad parenting I would if i was in that position again ask for a second opinion good luck x x

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