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jlp

Other parents :(

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I was waiting for ds#1 today outside his classroom when I heard a child saying to her mother that ds#1 had hit her. This other child is in the year above in the adjoining classroom. The mother immediately went to have a word with her daughter's teacher telling her that ds#1 had hit her daughter, she was aware that ds#1 has a long history of violence in other schools (!?) and how she wants his parents spoken too etc. I don't think she was aware that I was ds#1s mum and standing right behind her.

 

She stalked off and I spoke to the teacher who is lovely and has taught ds#1 so knows him - she was reassuring but I'm quite upset particularly at the 'long history of violence in other schools' bit. Ds#1 has been to one school previously but we removed him from this school as they were not meeting his needs. Anyone who has asked why we moved to the new school has been told that we moved him as the new school has had a child with ASD previously and is more able to give him the support he needed, no mention of any previous problems.

 

Ds#1 was asked about hitting this other child (he doesn't even know who she is) and is absolutely sure he did not, getting very angry and upset to even be asked (he did say he's going to hit her now for telling lies about him and I've tried to explain that it's probably a misunderstanding). I've tried asking again gently at bedtime if maybe he's knocked this girl by accident or maybe by flapping and he says no - even when I hinted that the school might check the camera to try and clear up the matter (they won't!). So while I don't doubt the girl got hit, I'm mostly sure that ds#1 didn't anything delibrately. I'm thinking he knocked her by accident while in his own little world or maybe someone hit her (it was in her back)and someone else said ds#1 did it?

 

It gets worse - later this evening I rang my ds#1's Godmother who's dd is best friends with the girl who got hit. She says after the mother left me she went down to the bottom yard, was shouting about how ds#1 has hit her dd and stormed into the office to complain to the head too. Apparently my friend didn't want to say anything and upset me but about a month ago this mother spoke to my friend saying there was a bully in Y3 and gave my son's name. Friend says she told this woman that ds has autism and she'd said there'd been loads of parents in to school complaining about him. It's quite possible as there were a flurry of complaints last year too - and school didn't mention it unless asked, they said most of these people have nothing better to do than complain and not to worry.

 

I'm feeling quite sick by all of this. I know it's gossip and I should let it go but it's really upset me, particularly actually hearing someone complaining (and why having complained did she feel the need to shout in the yard and complain at the office too?)

 

This sounds strongly like paranoia but I feel these people hear half baked tales about ds#1 and it's sent them off on a witch hunt. This woman didn't even have time to hear exactly off her dd before she was complaining about ds#1.

 

I know this has started when there was relentless teasing and winding up (pushing him over, calling him names and following him around throwing a ball at him) during the first half of term from the Y4 boys and ds#1 retaliated every time. This has settled down now but I know this will be when the gossip has started.

 

I was going to have a word with the other mother (actually was planning on killing her with kindness) until I heard the 2nd half of the story but now thinking that's not a good idea. I need to have a word with school and the girls teacher asked me to have a word with ds#1 tonight and get back to her tomorrow with what happened as she says the other mother will be back - I also don't want ds#1 questioned about this without the school being fully aware of his side of the story as he'll get upset and shout.

 

He has lashed out before but there's always a reason behind it, he simply wouldn't just hit someone - and anyway I tend to believe that he hasn't hit anyone.

 

I'm panicking at trying to explain all of this tomorrow without sounding like I have rose tinted glasses on and getting in before school.

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A few glib saying come to mind here like 'mud sticks' and 'give a dog a bad name' The problem here is that unless something is done to stop this from getting out of hand your son could well pick up the tab for every naughty child in the entire school.

 

I would be honest with the teacher and say that you were most distressed by what happend and so spoke to your friend who also happens to know this Mum quite well, and she has told you that this Mum has been bad mouthing your son for sometime now. And as some of it has happened within the school they should be aware that this has taken place. Ask them outright if they have proof that your son has hit her daughter on othet ocassions? Most autistic children will usually own up to hitting someone even if they think that they were totally in the right to do so. I would not be pushing my son into owning up to something that he insists he did not do. I know that two wrongs can never make a right but your son is autistic and so allowances have to be made for him - what excuse does the othet Mum have here?

 

I have to say that I also wonder if this little girl is only to happy to feed her mothers bad opinion of your son. I would not let your son carry the can here. This other parent is well out of order.

 

There are things that I could suggest ie ask the school to mail shot the parents if this was something you wanted to do - however I do not know that I would go in asking for that right now - for now you need the teacher to see that your son is not the guilty party here.

 

I actually have first hand experience of what can happen if these things are not nipped in the bud - but the experienec is with my eldest NT son. Other parents in our Community Association decided that my son was a nasty little toad - he was in fact not he was just loud and so if he ever did step out of line we all heard it. The other children latched onto the opinions of their parents and so whenever anyone was naughty or hit another child my sons name always rolled off their tounge. To the point that one day a child had quite a serious injury which was carried out by another child and my sons name was first off thier lips. My son was actually away at cub camp and not even in the building. My own Mother lost it completely and made me realise that by not saying anything about what was happening I had allowed the situation to grow and helped to give my own son a bad name.

 

Sorry that this is so long.

 

Cat

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Hi jlp.I know it is very difficult but it is worth trying to stay calm and to not get involved with the complaining mum.

The school appear to have been supportive so far.

It would be worth being clear and firm in giving your child's side of the story.Perhaps say that you are aware that other parents are not being very supportive but don't get involved in discussion about the behaviour of the other mum.

It is up to the school to support your child and to decide how to deal with the mum's complaint and behaviour.

Personaly I would not talk to the other mum about what has been going on.If she becomes confrontational with you then it could just exacerbate the situation.

When Ben had difficulties last year we managed the issue of him being distressed by being questioned about things by saying that we wanted to be there to support him.So you could say that you do not want your child to be questioned about the incident unless you are with him.

I am not saying to let the issue go.But try to focus on advocating strongly for your child rather than getting involved in what the school do about the other mum.

At some point it may well be worth encouraging the school to help parents understand your child better.But now may not be the best momment to raise the issue. :rolleyes::rolleyes: Karen.

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I totally agree with Karen. The last thing you want to do is confront the mum, if it all goes wrong you could end up being the subject of similar gossip as your son. Not that I'm saying that's right, it's just that if this mum is hell bent on your son being the villain, then she is hardly likely to listen to reason from his mum.

 

When bill was at Junior school I remember him being the centre of a similar controversy, but the opposite way round. He was being bullied by two boys in his class and the parents were of the opinion that he should be able to deal with, and why should their little darlings be in trouble because bill couldn't deal with the verbal rough and tumble.

 

Hope it can be sorted for you and your ds.

 

flora x

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This seems to me to be a whole school issue, with some of the children picking up their parents negativity because they dont really understand what disability ie autism is. How does the school teach the children aboult disability?

It is a valid question ie view of the disability equality act!

This is bullying by an adult on a child and I would see their bullying policy.

Do they have childrens books about disability , what do they do in pshe etc

A friend of mines schools head arranged a meeting with all interested parents to discuss disability and she said the head was very good at explaining to parents about how they included all children etc.

The chidklrens perceptions also need to be tackled asap as they are perpetuating the problem - has your school implemented circle of friends? this sounds like an ideal way of helping your son get his own support group in place

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jlp you could have been talking about an almost exact same situation I am in and have been for some 4 years. I've desperately tried to ignore the mother concerned. It's been a bit easier to do this now that ds travels to and from school on the bus and I don't have to go to the place. I am still well aware though how this other parent has spoken unjustly about my ds to the others. It makes me paranoid too and I just can't face any of them easily. I know they have been got at as I've heard the things they've said as a result. I used to be a bit paranoid about the attitude of school too until I mentioned this parents awful comments and one of the staff told me that she was a "nasty piece of work". That really made me feel better because I knew at least that someone was on my ds's side. I can only suggest that you try and take comfort from the support you get from the teacher and hopefully head teacher and make it clear to them whats going on and see if they can help in any way by taking the opportunity to speak to other parents when issues arise. They would hopefully be able to diffuse situations and make other parents realise the truth of the matter. I can't see any purpose in tackling the other mother yourself - unless you think she might all of a sudden turn into a reasonable, rational, apologetic, humble, helpful, kind and understanding person :whistle: - Nope didn't think so! :rolleyes:

 

At some point it may well be worth encouraging the school to help parents understand your child better. But now may not be the best momment to raise the issue. :rolleyes::rolleyes: Karen.

 

 

My school told me that they can't control parents behaviours and would not speak to them. They could only speak to the children in school and hope that the message got through at home too. Problem was they would do that and then the beastly parent would undo it all by her prejudicial comments.

 

It's a very difficult and upsetting situation and I really do know how you feel. Speak to the HT and T about it though - you will hopefully find support there as I did. >:D<<'>

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I've been in this morning and spoke at length to ds#1's support worker about the incident and how I believe it's unlikely that ds#1 has hit this girl (he's will always admit what he's done and say it was because a/b/c happened) and she agreed with me and is going to take it up wth the other girls teacher who I couldn't see this morning. Both the support worker and ds#1s teacher were shocked at what happened yesterday and the manner in which it was said.

 

Confusingly my Goddaughter came into school this morning with this girl and her mother and gave me a hug - her hair got tangled in my coat and the mother came over laughing and joking and trying to free it.

 

I couldn't speak to her or look at her. She also waited in the yard then outside the gate while I went back in (I'd forgotten to give ds#1 his bags). I was sorely tempted to escape out of the back gate :whistle: but walked past without looking.

 

As it stands school are supportive of us and quite shocked by the other parent so I'm not going to get into any discussions with the mother.

 

I couldn't sleep last night and thought long and hard about this and while I can agree if your child is hit then you will be annoyed but personally I'd find out exactly what happened before going in all guns blazing. More importantly I think spreading gossip about a 7 year old child is unacceptable, even if she's repeating things she's heard it's rumours like this that cause long term problems. And shouting about him in the yard :wallbash: !

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Unfortunately this all sounds too familiar to me.

 

When Louis was in year R, I had a Mother come to me (while waiting for the doors to open and with a playground full of parents) and say "Your son is bullying my son. What are you going to do about it?" First I'd heard of it, and totally inappropriate in my eyes.

 

I was not spoken to by any other parent (other than the ones whose kids Louis had gone to nursery with) for the rest of the year, or the next, or the next. 2 1/2 years in exile - not a good feeling for me or my kids.

 

During that last 1/2 year, we were going through the statementing process, and it was then that I found out that ever since Year R, parents had been writing complaints about Louis. And that in the last 1/2 year, they were actively campaigning to get him out of the school. There were parents telling the head that unless Louis went, they would pull their child out of school.

 

Louis was eventually permanently excluded from this school (which if you search the boards, I'm sure you'll come across the posts). We also removed my other son from the school and registered my 3rd son with another school (he was on the register to go to this school the following september). It was one of the best things to happen to us.

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I feel awful - my son hits other children most days. :( So far I haven't had any complaints, instead I'm the one complaining because school just can't handle it or won't do anything about it! :wallbash:

 

DS2 hits or lashes out as an instinctive reaction: if things are too loud, someone 'tricks' him (does something he doesn't understand, like point a finger at him as a gun), gets too close... the list goes on. The problem is social stories etc have no effect because it's just instinctive reaction for him. The other kids are (mostly) lovely and tolerate him, accommodate him and get out of his way. I don't know what their parents think, especially on the occasion that DS2 bumped someone's head and it had to be entered into the accident book...

 

The head says his behaviour is better this year and there are no more incidents; however DS2 cannot lie so when I ask him he tells me bluntly what happened - he was tricking me so I kicked him, etc.

 

Our independent Sp&Lang has said DS2 needs support in identifying his own emotions, which has a lot to do with why he lashes out - he doesn't understand anything. Instead, school sends him to the head teacher and give him a lecture. Ha! Like that would work! It's one of the reasons we're going to tribunal to get him a place at autism-specific school.

 

Sorry, jlp, I'm not much help. Perhaps it's best I don't know about any complaints because I think that would be very upsetting indeed, especially because we can't help but take it personally when our kids don't understand their own actions. It feels like the complaints are directed at us, doesn't it (I haven't had complaints at school, but I've had them out and about in town etc).

 

It sounds like the teacher is sympathetic, so I hope you get this sorted out. It certainly does sound like a whole school thing that needs addressing.

 

Good luck,

Lizzie >:D<<'>

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I do know exactly how you feel. At DS1 first school I used to stand in the playground waiting to fetch him and probably 2 or 3 times a week I would hear parents talking about him. The other thing I got was children telling me how naughty he had been that day - always in front of my DS and their mom's.

Its so hard not to take it personally, but at least the school are behind you on it.

Good luck >:D<<'>

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The other thing I got was children telling me how naughty he had been

 

Ooh yes .... "JP's been NORTY!!!!!" Oh s*d off & tell me something good he did! :rolleyes:

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I had two similar incidents last year. On two separte occassions.A parent each time came over and had a moment whilst waiting for my child to come out the classroom. I dealt with it but taking the parent each time to the head and sorting it out with the sch.

These parents now hang around together and sometimes i feel like they are talking about my son when i pass them but i do ignore it and havent spoken to each parent since. In fact one of them lied saying their son was asd and when i mentioned this to the head she said no,your child is the only one i have with asd within the infant school.

Hence me ignoring this woman.

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Hi..........just a quick reply.........but this needs nipping in the bud now!............my son and I were on the recieving end of this type of treatment and it ain,t nice.........talk to the teachers and the head and get the record put straight.We also had the autism team come into my sons school .......to put the kids straight as it were on the things that my son had issues with and to explain his difficulties.This helped alot and the kids were supportive .Best of luck, suzex

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Update

 

On Friday after school ds#1s support worker came out and it turns out he did hit the girl :crying: Apparently she and another girl were carryng a box, ds wanted through the doorway and said 'move' (he's terrible for barging people out of the way, he can't wait), the other girl said 'no'. Another boy told ds to hit the girl so he went back and hit the girl who hadn't even spoken.

 

I'm so disappointed in him, I truely believed him when he said he didn't. He says he forgot and presumably had his memory jogged by being reminded of the doorway etc - but on the Thursday night we'd went over what happened in very careful detail at home and he was adament he hadn't hit anyone. so maybe he did forget, maybe he thought I meant the yard (I thought it had happened in the yard not in school) or maybe he lied. I was so sure he was telling the truth.

 

Anyway he has a 2 week computer ban which is punishing me way more than it's punishing him! And he apologised to the girl.

 

Today it was purple day (for the first school day of Advent). This had been mentioned in passing in assembly, ds#1 was oblivious so when we got to school today and half the school were in purple and he wasn't, he kicked off. The yard had mostly emptied and just as he's throwing his book bag and packed lunch and screaming then who turned up but the mother :wallbash: Lots of self satisfied nodding and just as I left (with ds as there was no way he was going in without something purple) she was coming out of the office. The timing was so bad I feel sick all over again. :crying:

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oh i know how you feel i have this all the time I hate the playground and feel like everyone is watching me I have a big group of mates there but is still really hard there have been many occasions where i have not been around and it has got back to me of other parents complaining that Ryan has done something to one of their childen confronting the parents only makes things worse hang in there it gets easier x x

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