it was awful

[hev]

steve just locked himself in the bathroom when taxi turned up,the taxi driver was waiting downstairs and i had to undo lock with a screw driver,steve was sobbing saying he didnt want to go back,then he started trying to smash the door in,it was horrendous,then nick told him not to smash the door and asteve got nick round the throat,i was in the middle,katie was screaming

 

i calmed steve down but he was still upset when he left,how awful,im not talking to nick,ive told him to go up his mums,he made the situation a whole lot worse

[pearl]

Oh Hev <'>

Dont know what to say love.

Hope it was just a blip, he's seemed happy so far hasnt he?

[oxgirl]

Aw, that's horrid for you all, hev. <'> Well done for getting him off in the taxi and hope that it's a lot better next time. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Hev <'> <'> <'>

 

How are you feeling now?

[forbsay]

hev <'> <'> <'>

[Clare63]

Oh Hev, how awful for all of you. Hope things are more settled this evening.

 

Thinking of you Hun <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[krystaltps]

<'> <'> <'> Hev.

Hope things have settled down a bit for you now.

[bevalee]

<'> <'> <'> ><

 

Does Steve have to come home every weekend Hev?

 

Do you have the option of him coming home every 2 weeks? Sometime it helps them to

settle more.

[bid]

I'm sorry things didn't go well, hun, but do you think it might help if you have a 'united front' with Nick when it comes to Steve kicking off?

 

As Steve gets older, he really needs to know that Nick is the Alpha Male in the household, otherwise he will try to rule all of you...that's not a criticism of Steve, it's just what all teenage lads will do because it's natural for them to want to be the Alpha.

 

I think it would help if you backed Nick up as the Alpha Male as far as Steve is concerned...he has to know that there is a male basically bigger and stronger than him and in charge who won't take any cr*p, because that's what keeps teenage lads in line.

 

Hope Steve has a good week, and that next weekend is better <'>

 

Bid

[ellisisamazing]

Sorry to hear that, Hev <'>

[Cat]

As Steve gets older, he really needs to know that Nick is the Alpha Male in the household, otherwise he will try to rule all of you...that's not a criticism of Steve, it's just what all teenage lads will do because it's natural for them to want to be the Alpha.

 

I think it would help if you backed Nick up as the Alpha Male as far as Steve is concerned...he has to know that there is a male basically bigger and stronger than him and in charge who won't take any cr*p, because that's what keeps teenage lads in line.

 

 

While I agree with what you have said Bid it is different when the alpha male is not the parent of the child who is trying to dominate the house. Sorry I am ready for my public stoning now.

 

Things got no better in our house until my DH backed off altogether and left me do it my way. It may not be natural to have an alpha female ruling the roost but where DS2 would accept it from me he would not from his step dad and I know just what Hev means about Nick making everything worse. Maybe a natural Dad would not when to back off but my DH never did. The alpha male things works both ways and my DH was determined that DS2 would admit that he was No 1 in the pecking order. DS2 would not accept this at all as his Dad is very much alive and still in his life. I needed my DH to back me up and support me. His intervention only made things worse.

 

My suggestion here would be that Steve becomes a longer stay border if that is possible. He needs a few weeks to bed in here before going home. Would this be possible? It sounds cruel for everyone concerned what is happening at the moment.

 

<'>

 

Cat

Edited January 20, 2008 by Cat

[bid]

We'll have to agree to disagree, Cat

 

My DH is Auriel's stepdad, but when it has come to violent behaviour, we have always backed each other up: it is unexceptable, end of. How can it ever be acceptable for a teenager to grab an adult around the throat? Sorry, but out in the real world AS would be no excuse for assault, and the sooner any teenager realises this the better, because the real world is where they will have to live sooner or later.

 

Hev has said herself that Steve has never had to accept any consequences for his behaviour, and my view is that the first step should be to present a united front. I think Nick should be backed up.

 

Bid

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

whether we are talking alpha male or not, we have to sing from the same song sheet, and row about it after event

 

i am sorry hev he kicked off, but remember that he does this to get his own way, cos it works ( this is not a dig, cos i have one that does this too)

 

it is still very early days for all of you, and he know how bad you feel about "sending him away" and dont forget that he is a teenager, and then a kid with aspergers, finding out what part of our teenagers causes the grief is hard

 

thinking of you loads

x

[Cat]

I never condone violent behaviour and agree that singing from the same hymn sheet is very important but we had to use my hymn sheet. Simple as. If that means that I got it wrong then getting it wrong worked for us. DS2 lives very much in the real world and his aggressive outbursts within the home are now almost down to nil and are only ever verbal and are nil outside of the home. I know that it would have been a totally different story had my DH not backed off. I suppose until we all live each others lives then we can offer comments - as we do - but can never walk in each others shoes.

 

Cat

Edited January 21, 2008 by Cat

[loobylou2]

<'> <'> <'> Hope things settle down for you soonHev. Take care of yourself <'> <'> <'>

[mossgrove]

Hev

 

I am sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

 

I think one thing this does highlight is that transitions between home and school are a particular area of difficulty and it may be better if he stays for a few weekends to help him fully settle in.

 

Simon

[baddad]

While I agree with what you have said Bid it is different when the alpha male is not the parent of the child who is trying to dominate the house. Sorry I am ready for my public stoning now.

 

Cat

 

Hi cat/hev all -

 

cat, can you explain why it is different? I don't understand this at all

Hev has herself said often that she lets steve get away with pretty much anything for a quiet life (sory, hev, but you have...), and Steve's not responding badly because it's Nick trying to keep his behaviour in check, but because ANYBODY is, be it hev, Stevie girl, Nick, the staff at school etc...

 

I wasn't going to comment on this topic, as I've said it before and hev knows my feelings, but from my perspective I'm at a loss to know (from the info given here) what bit Nick got wrong? Was it trying to get Stevie out to the waiting taxi-driver? was it trying to stop Stevie ffrom hurting Hev and the baby, or was it trying to stop Steve from smashing the bathroom door down? I don't think hands around the throat, snooker cues around the head or watching other members of your family get hurt are something that any stepfather should be expected to take on as 'par for the course', or that allowing Steve to do those things is in anyway enabling for him.

 

Sorry, but without Nicks support and the support of her family I'm certain hev's situation with steve would be far more difficult than it currently is. Projecting Steve's behaviours onto Nick and blaming him for them is undermining that completely.

 

Hev, hen... I don't know what you should do about school apart from keep at it. I think this weekend was pretty much inevitable, and that it won't be the last, but looking to the long game it IS the best thing for everyone - especially Stevie. Hope the next time is easier, and that you see i'm not 'telling you off' (as, if ).

 

L&P <'>

 

 

BD

[barefoot wend]

Hev

 

Really sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment.

 

Take care

 

Barefoot

[hev]

baddad i know you not telling me off,you have summed up my situation exactly right

 

looking back to yesterday i dont know why i blamed it all on nick,i was very upset and nick was there to take the brut i spose,my argument with nick was that why did he have to interfere but obviously if he had just sat there i would have gone mad,nick cant win sometimes.

 

i think my problem is that because steven is not nicks i think hes over the moon steves not here,but in my rational moments i know nick has been brill with steve,nick said last night oh katies behaving better now isent she so i said oh so you think its happy families now dont you nick!!but its right for me to say on here that katies behaving better but not for nick to say it,i know all this conflicting stuff is no good for anyone,i still find this step parent situation quite hard which then makes everything worse.

 

steve phoned me last night and he was fine

anyway bighead if you want to tell me off you can,a bit of passions good in any relationship

[mossgrove]

steve phoned me last night and he was fine

 

I think this emphasises what a few people are saying. The Home/School transition is the really hard bit. I'm not saying home or school are easy, but the transitions to and from are a particular flashpoint.

 

Simon

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

it all takes time

and it must be hard at home getting used to a new way

and you all miss him but are enjoying the peace and then feel guilty for enjoying peace

we cannot win!

take care x

[baddad]

steve phoned me last night and he was fine

 

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

 

And i like the way Nick 'took the brut' - he deserves it! Were there a couple of bottles left over from crimbo or do you always have champers knocking about? Don't ruin it for me by telling me it was a typo...

 

L&P

 

BD

[soraya]

Hi Hev, You need to be positive about things, at least he got in the taxi in the end, if it was Nick he would have jumped out as soon as the taxi stopped at the first set of lights!!!! Steve is doing really well and you have to expect him to kick off when it is time to go back to school, things will get better soon. <'>

[JsMum]

I was reading the replys and not long after my own son flipped today, it was his first day back at school after two weeks of total refusal and high anxieties about going to school, he used another situation to get throw to me what it was that was actually bothering him, after the screaming, shouting, banging doors and barging he then came out what the actual problem was, that while at school he missed me!

 

I had not said verbally I had missed him while he was at school he thought I didnt care, for J he needs the words of verbal communication plain and loud, if I had of actually had of said I missed him then I dont think it would of caused a behavioural incedent, children with lack of communication in this way can cause great destress and frustration,

 

It may be you have said to Steve you miss him but today when the Taxi came for him communication got too difficult, emotions too raw, may be the next time he is this frustrated a communication code is set up.

 

I loved the post where the new mentor used feelings ratios, targeting just how raw someone feels, identifying it before it gets too indrenched in cleanched fists and sore red stinging eyes.

 

There is a few more things to really consider for Steve is some anger management and having clear pictures of how we manage our anger.

 

I personally think that Stevie couldnt communicate, express, just how deeply this is to him and how others around him are perseving it, maybe he picked on the relaxed atmosphere and took it that " everyone is happeir that I am not around, maybe its just me that upsets everyone" and he got upset with the way he was taking the new transition.

 

For J he simply missed me for the three hours he was at school, but for over an hour I was picking up the pieces, communication can have a distaterous effect when we simply cant put into words our feelings.

 

JsMum

Edited January 21, 2008 by JsMum

[Tally]

Hev <'>

 

Glad Steve's feeling better now he is there.

 

Maybe you and Nick need to come up with a plan to deal with this type of situation. If you know what you each will do, in advance, then you know that you can trust Nick to handle it like you agreed, and you can take Katie away from the situation.

 

T x

[Karen A]

Hev I wanted to send some <'> <'> as you have obviously had a tough time.Glad Steve was more settled when he phoned.

I have been thinking in the last few days how hard it is to keep a relationship going when children or teenagers place an extra stress on the relationship.

My OH and I will have been married twenty years this year.We still find it difficult to work together in the face of some of the stresses life throws at us.

Please don't feel bad if you struggle to manage when faced with a situation that qualified and experienced professionals would find challenging.Karen.

[dooday24]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

sending u loads of these as think u can do with them

take care

love donnaxxxxx

[David Matthew Baker]

Stay strong. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

BD as normal is a fountain of wisdom. At least he is when he is acting sensibly and giving an honest opinion. Hope you can get everything sorted out. Try and dwell on the positives of the current situation rather than the negatives. Things are improving. There will be the slight slip up occasionally. After all there is no such thing as a miracle solution. Unfortunatally everything has to be worked for. You do deserve an easier ride though. <'> <'> <'>

[hev]

Please don't feel bad if you struggle to manage when faced with a situation that qualified and experienced professionals would find challenging.Karen.

thankyou so much for saying that karen,that sentence made me feel so much better <'>

[hev]

BD as normal is a fountain of wisdom.

lets not go over the top now david

[hev]

Stay strong. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

. At least he is when he is acting sensibly and giving an honest opinion.

whens that then?i obviously missed those posts

[David Matthew Baker]

Glad to see you're feeling better. :)

 

Let normal service resume.

 

BD has two sides we get to see on here. His normal joking one, long may it continue even if I don't always understand, and his caring advice giving one. Do you think if I keep on we'll see a 3rd side? A modest embarrased side? It obvious he's a mod as we're all meant to follow all his advice. Mumble's the only over riding presence as her words are law (as I said in the Greenwich thread ).

 

Now let the fun begin.

[Karen A]

Sorry found the idea that ''we're all meant to follow '' mod advice faintly amusing.We are all such terrible dictators....who must be obeyed. Edited January 22, 2008 by Karen A

[baddad]

Glad to see you're feeling better.

 

Let normal service resume.

 

BD has two sides we get to see on here. His normal joking one, long may it continue even if I don't always understand, and his caring advice giving one. Do you think if I keep on we'll see a 3rd side? A modest embarrased side? It obvious he's a mod as we're all meant to follow all his advice. Mumble's the only over riding presence as her words are law (as I said in the Greenwich thread ).

 

Now let the fun begin.

 

 

That's 'mod' with a 'G' then Oh dear, ive embarrassed myself now!