Taking control - zero tolerance to violence

[Stressedout]

Hi everyone...this is my first post and I would really appreciate some ideas from people who've been through similar.

 

I have decided to implement a huge change in our lifestyle by removing the cable at the back of the TV that supplies TV programmes!! I have joined Amazon's DVD rental and chosen a list of U cert DVD's, from nature documentarys to Mr Bean. This morning I told the children that the DVD's they have and the X-Box games will all be put away due to the violent content. My son had a melt down and said he wanted to kill himself. My daughter was in tears because I even said no to Viva Pinata.

 

Basically I'm looking for NON-VIOLENT DVD's, any websites or groups you might know of that specifically support this and list DVD's. Also, any other ideas however, social activities are difficult, and physical activities have problems due to disability and tiredness.

 

 

 

 

Brief history: Son aged 6 diagnosed with ASD high functioning. Also hemiplegic following a stroke at 18 months..means slightly disabled on one side of body..can't use right hand/arm very much, falls over more often has to wear a splint on ankle. Currently being assessed for ADHD. Has Melatonin and Vallergan to help him sleep.

 

Sister aged 8. Has been assessed for AS but not showing typical triad of impairment.

 

Current problem: Son becoming increasingly aggressive. Has been aggressive since toddler, biting, pinching, pushing..you name it. Now thinks nothing of punching sister in the face, trying to strangle her, lay on her with his weight, threatens to push her down the stairs. Kicks towards other children (smaller). Shows no remorse, but knows it is wrong.

 

He has been seen by a behavioural psychologist and we were given strategies to deal with him. We still use them today but they make little difference. It is his inability to control him IMPULSES and his over emotional response that triggers an outburst, which can happen over the slightest thing.

 

His attitude is: I want to be a teenager so I can bully people. I ask him why? Teenagers who bully are in a gang of friends. He also says he wants to copy the violence he sees on TV so that he knows how to beat up the kids who call him names or say nasty things to him at school.

 

He loves to play X-Box games and we bought him the Lego Star Wars and Crash of the Titans for Christmas. Unfortunately they both include a huge amount of violence. Even Viva Pinata requires bashing on the head with a spade! He loves watching cartoons on children's time TV. Unfortunately these often include violence. Favourite DVD's are the same, including The Simpsons.

 

We always give him time out for violent acts towards his sister and he is made to apologise. We have a tick chart which gains him some chocolate at the weekend if he's earned it, and money for saving up for a Nintendo DS which he wants. None of this has any effect, his behaviour and attitude is getting worse.

 

I had to restrain him twice this week, I worry that the minute my back's turned he will do something. One day probably quite serious.

 

We have just moved to a different County and I'm starting off the process of appointments with Paediatrician, Physiotherapist, Hearing Centre, Orthotist etc. His mainstream school is very supportive but don't think he is severe enough educationally to warrant a Statement. He has a Note in Lieu and we've been to Tribunal etc. I'm told he isnt too bad at school behaviourally, except I have heard that he threw a chair in class and when he tries to strangle someone he takes longer than his peers to stop ! CAT forms are being completed at the moment and we hope to have Social Services round to assess us for restbite.

 

 

I've tried to keep to the point and give you some idea of what's going on. I would really appreciate some replies.

 

Many thanks,

 

Nikki

[Suze]

just a quick high as I,m off to do the school pick up.Sounds like you have lots of issues...........!!..............just a few thoughts..good luck with going cold turkey on the tv/dvd etc..........school ..........maybe an assessment with a view to a statement?...........must go someone else will be along with more help and info I,m sure ...suzex

[Kinda]

I would have thought a child psychologist would/should be able to help but not sure how you go about a referral. My son was referred to one when younger but I can't remember how it came about.

 

If I remember correctly it was due to behaviour at school and they said he was obsessed with the macabre and I think he had threatened someone but not connected to violence itself.

 

I think because of its potential to be serious you need professional help and maybe your doctor can arrange a referral?

[Karen A]

Hi Nikki Welcome to the Forum.It does sound as though you have a lot of things to manage. <'> <'>

 

It is worth talking to the paediatrician about the aggresion and asking for some advice and support.

Did your son move to a new school when you moved county ? Or have you moved to a different LEA ? If you have moved it may be worth taking the oppurtunity to push to see if you could obtain a Statement rather than a note in Lieu.A note in Lieu does not carry any legal weight in the way a statement does.You may already know that if you have been to tribunal.

It is worth being very clear with Social Services regarding how challenging your son is and how much you need the support.People on the Forum frequently have to be very assertive in asking for help from Social Services however if your son is also regarded as having a physical disability due to the hemiplegia that may increase your chances of getting input.Karen.

Edited January 23, 2008 by Karen A
word change

[Kathryn]

Welcome to the forum Nikki!

 

Good luck with going cold turkey on the violent DVD's and games.

 

Just a thought - would they go for games which are competitive without involving violence and weapons? My son has a few sporty x box games, like football, a game based on the winter olympics, and for Christmas I received a tennis x box game which we all quite enjoy. My 10 year old is not into real life sport at all, but the games allow him to work off a bit of aggression without shooting anyone or bllowing something up.

 

Good luck with this, and the educational issues - I hope you get some help soon.

 

K x

[baddad]

Hi stressedout, and welcome aboard <'>

 

Looks as though you're doing everything you can do, so just a case of doing it over and over until you see the benefit

That's not negative, BTW - just my own experience that the 'tools' we use to support our kids are (with some variations) the usual ones but the journey from A-B tends to take a while longer...

 

Zero tolerance to violent behaviour is (IMO) exactly the way to go and firm/defined boundaries and consequences in most other areas... Provide those, along with lots of love, reassurance, positive reinforcement, help in negotiating the obstacles, rewards etc and eventually you'll get there

 

One thing that helps is to change the incentives regularly (even if you end up doing the same ones in rotation)... changing the type of star chart (or reward, or targets) helps to keep it fresh. With my son we switched between visual 'star chart' through reward 'coins' (they were brightly coloured plastic and said 'I've been good today' and he started the day with five and hopefully ended it that way too), and we even worked with 'daily' and 'weekly' targets running alongside each other so a bad day didn't necessarily pogger the week or a bad week exclude the possibility of a good day!

 

Non violent games... sadly, I'm not sure there are ANY without the potential for trouble (it's that winning/losing thing that does it!), but if you can find the time for family board games etc that's a big bonus... Not only does it provide that 'golden' or '1-1' time, but with a bit of 'creative accounting' (cheating without them seeing) you can even up any big differences in individual scores... that and having 'first, second, third' etc rather than just 'winner/loser' can make a Hoooooge difference!

 

Very best with Cold Turkey - would have thought this close to Xmas you'd all be sick of that!

 

L&P

 

BD

[Mumble]

with a bit of 'creative accounting' (cheating without them seeing) you can even up any big differences in individual scores...

Baddad I'd thought better of you. You should learn to take losing gracefully

[pearl]

Welcome to the forum nikki & good luck with the new regime.

One thing that helped us was to channel JP's energy into martial arts. He's doing v well at taekwondo, has used it in anger only once during a meltdown & that has never happened since we said we'd stop him going if he used it in a bad way.

[krystaltps]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I think you are very brave... going cold-turkey with the TV and games consoles.

Non-violent DVDs? DD loves musicals, and I dont think there is much violence in many of them.

Everything Baddad said, especially the board-games- really good for turn-taking as well. It's something were still working on with C.

Also, get them creating things - make up an art & craft box with loads of paper, card, paints, pencils, string, beads, glue, lollypop sticks, sparkly things, googly eyes, bits of old material, etc. We had a day during the hols when we drew round ourselves on a roll of old wallpaper then had a fantastic time decorating ourselves. You can get some fantastic kid's craft books on Amazon with lots of really good ideas.

I've noticed with my lot - once the art box comes out TV etc is totally forgotten. C loves creating things and he finds it very relaxing and calming. Plus he's got something to show for his efforts when we've finished.

[Stressedout]

Thank you for your welcome's, nice to see such an active forum. I have to admit to not using a forum like this for months as I had to 'get away' from the subject of autism after a gruelling time with trying to get my son a Statement and get some restbite.

 

Yes I have moved LEA, to a different County, different school. It seems like we are starting again, only this time I'm not pushing so much otherwise I'll buckle.

 

I didn't think to ask the Paediatrician for a referral to a behavioural psychologist, she wants to gather information to screen him for ADHD. The school teacher said that his behaviour at school didn't warrant the SEBs team coming in. However, he is being seen by the Autism team next week and I'll have a word with them. The Child Development Centre are also going to visit him at school end of Feb.

 

I found a load of DVD's and signed up with Amazon postal rental system. The children have chosen Mr Bean and the Magic Faraway Tree and I've got Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday and Elvis lined up !! I can tell husband is a bit miffed but he's not there restraining most days or able to cope with the meltdowns.

 

The sports games is a great idea. Art and craft more difficult because he doesn't show much interest and has difficulty with his right hand. Also his concentration levels with that sort of thing are very low. I think I will change the reward chart too.

As for board games...well they are always fraught..with misunderstandings, arguments...I don't want to put myself through it at the moment.

 

I confess to being severely depressed and just doing the essentials at the moment. I can only do so much, food shopping, paying the bills and trying to sell a house...and housework (sometimes gets done!)..school meetings, appointments..I can only do so much.

 

Would love to hear from anyone who goes to Angels in Hitchin.

 

Thanks for your support guys.

[allsetuk]

I am trying myself to implement zero tolerance , i have even got lots of little cards that show NO hitting, No Smacking and they are in a little booklet called BAD CHOICEs....but im getting no where,ive taken away all my sons tv channels, the computer is a motivationfor being good but he still wallops me every time i or anyone else says something he doesnt like, he comes home from school and is so difficult to handle, i cant really cope. He gets really angry and then gets more cross at himself saying he is rubbish and i hate him. Ive no clue how to stop it

[morgan and alexandra]

Hi

We have had huge problems with DD 8yrs with meltdowns, including kicking, punching, scratching and biting etc which can go on for hours. I spoke to our consultant as I was very concerned about our other DD 13yrs because she seems to be the focus of a lot of the anger in which younger DD constantly strangles her, kicks her etc. We were advised to draw up a family contract and a list of rules ie not hitting, punching, swearing, playfighting etc and then family memers signed it. I explained that if rules were broken then we had to have time out. The only contact we were advised to have was cuddles as playfighting overstimulated her and she wouldnt understand bounderies.

 

We have had some success with this and now only have violence during meltdowns when she has no control. We have found that tick charts etc have no meaning to her but the family contract has an immediate effect if she just hits out at any of us for no reason.

 

You are right about the violence on TV etc, i'm quite lucky in that DD still likes watching shows for toddlers. Good luck with it and hope this post helps.

Helen

[rainbow queen]

i think its really fantastic that you are going to do this and i hope you can stick it out.

 

 

after reading these posts it has encouraged me to take a stand as well

my 5 year old is totally fixated with the cartoon network channel-and ive watched some of the programes and i dont feel they are good at all.........my son will sit and watch it over and over again ..and gets really volatile when i turn it off ect....

 

it also stops homework being done in my house.........................so im going do the same thing-unplug cable out of the back....................going do it this week

 

see what happens :ninja:

 

its totally getting out of control..............

and is the root behind homework not being done and alot of my 5 year olds agressive behaviour i think...............my 6 year old is not as fussed with tv(asd) hes fixated with the pc and nintendo.

 

deffo going do the tv this week coming ....

 

good luck and welcome to the forum xxxx

[Karen A]

Stressedout <'> <'> <'> I read your last post and it looks like you have an awful lot going on at the momment.I hope you get the house sold soon and the arrrangements for new school and provision are sorted out smoothly.Karen.

[Stressedout]

thanks for all your encouragement. Glad to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

I am pleased to report...!...I reminded both my children that the TV was not going to be available to them ANY MORE, nor the XBox, or PC. I did this in the morning and after school on Thursday and Friday in a casual but firm way. I also told them what they would have instead....choice from my selected list of DVD's from Amazon's postal rental system..explained that we could have 2 at one time and that we had to post them back to get the next one. Printed out a list for them to look at the pictures...they enjoyed choosing. Also, that they were going to have THEIR OWN EMAIL address on the PC so they could email freinds and family...they were well impressed with this. Windows Live does a OneCare Family Safety service for free so you can control their contacts list AND websites...added a few BBC sites. I have yet to get some sports or board game type XBox games..dont want to do everything at once.

 

Anyway...I was dreading Saturday morning, having spent an hour trying to figure out how to put a 'lock' on the TV. BUT I woke to the sound of normal play, then heard them getting breakfast..not unheard of in our house...then playing CHESS together !!! I bought my daughter an 'easy' version where you have to take a card and be told which piece to move. They carried only playing nicely together until dad arrived around 11am. Amazingly we managed to get through the whole day without any moaning or requests for TV or XBox. My son was even much less aggressive, although his play was all about acting out the TV programmes and games that have influenced him.

 

On Sunday they were 'allowed' to watch Mr Bean with dad and later we all sat and watched a nature DVD about Hornet's and Crocodiles. Last thing before bed they were allowed as a 'special treat' to watch a bit of The Wye Valley documentary with us !!!!

 

Well you could knock me down with a feather!

 

Obviously this is only the beginning. Monday's repetitive chant from daugher was "I'm BORED", but ....she has been playing her recorder more, and both children enjoyed listening to a pop CD that I bought them for Christmas...for the FIRST time !

 

Tommorrow after school I hope to show them their email contact lists and teach them how to send a message, or access the 'allowed' websites.

 

I thought I might also get some big scrap books and encourage some picture drawing of the DVD's they've watched...I hope with the mix I've chosen that something will capture their imagination or interest and we can turn it into a hobby (hopefully not obsession).

 

I came to the conclusion, as I watched my son's play over the weekend, that it's not surprising he plays at battles, robots, alien's, fighting etc...it's the theme of most of his favourite programmes and games. Now that I've banned them and am introducing new subjects into his life I wonder where it will lead and how successful this will be????

 

Long post..but I have to let it out somewhere!

[sueeltringham]

Yay! Well done on being so strong and so positive, I am so pleased it is all working for you. We did a similar thing in our house, but allowed TV and computer as rewards/privelages for doing homework without fuss, or some other task without fuss (we make this clear at the time). It works really well for us and if my son slips and loses the TV, then he now doesn't make a fuss, he just goes and does something else instead! We spend a lot of time with maps, reading books, playing in the garden, using playdough and cooking/baking. However, I do find this all takes so much more effort as my son needs quite a lot of support 1:1 to maintain any form of play or activity, so sometimes I just let them go watch the TV, but only in limited amounts and only certain programmes/DVD's. Stay strong it is so much better in the long term!

 

Sue