how do you get a school refuser back into school?

[JsMum]

I wondererd if anyone has had there child refuse school and successfully got them back into school, I wounder how you did it, bottome line J has to go to school, there is loads in place for him school doing everything possible and he has part time table, but just refuses to go to school, we get non compliance, resistance, aggression and distress.

 

I want him at school, personally as he only has four/five months left at this school then its secondary school and I really want to leave primary school on a positive note, they have been soo good to us, I want to make it work but J is resisting so badly that it just is impossible to see how I can get him back into school.

 

What steps could you think of doing it if it were your child, and if you have experienced it what did you do?

 

JsMum

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

have to say mainly here twas her choice to go back

but initally she was told to do every other day, by us so as not to stress her out

can you see if he can cope with half session, then home and then more but on the premise that he does not have to do it

meggz is gonna post too

<'>

[JsMum]

When you say it was your childs choice to go back, what was behind that choice?

 

Had anything been changed for your child to return?

 

J is only to attend a morning or afternoon session, so no full days.

 

Still he has refused to go, once there is fine, managed two mornings last week.

 

JsMum

[Stella63]

Hi jsmum,

 

I really sympathise with you. OJ had a complete breakdown in yr 5, he then got his dx's but could not cope with being in a classroom, around other children, and we had to devise a timetable of tiny steps. We started by him going in for lessons he liked, maybe just for an hour, and mostly he would sit outside the classroom, we then progressed to a desk in the room with a screen around it that he could control. It was built up from there, two lessons, no break or lunch, just tiny steps all the time. It was a complete nightmare for all of us, luckily at the time my dh was working from home so could accomodate all the journeys sometimes several times a day!

When he went into yr6 he was managing most lessons (by then he had his statement so had a lot more 1-1 support) apart from pe, assembly, music.

 

Since he has started secondary I have been amazed at the change - he is so keen to go to school and apart from pe he is really enjoying himself. i also know another AS child who was in his class has also turned things around at secondary school (different school).

 

Trouble is they are all so different in what worries them but I am convinced the key is the little steps with rewards and keep building on it1

 

I now have the same problem with my 15 yr old school refusing (for different reasons!) and so the battles carry on. He has managed about 5hrs at school this week and the trouble is now the pressure is on (GCSE coursework etc) and he knows it and that makes it more difficult for him the further behind he gets.

 

Sorry, a bit rambly but keep fighting and if he manages a little bit, praise, reward and keep going.

 

Stella xx

[JsMum]

Thanks Stella

 

Thats so encourgaing that you have got your son back to school, thats the kind of post I like to hear, and it must be such a reliefe to know he is settled.

 

J has a lot of sensory issues, noise, smells, that kind of thing, he is significantly behind in his learning but everything is to meet his SEN, he is withdrawn from lessons at times and he has a TA most of the time especially at the moment.

 

We did the step by step just in school for a morning, no classroom no playground, then moved onto classroom, then to playground, then when we where making progress and he started to refuse to work he backed off to the beginning again, all he has to do is come in for a few hours, no pressures, but its in the actual work effort he is struggling with, art, crafts loves it, but even that at the moment isnt enough to tempt him into school.

 

He does have dyslexia but again support in place, the school really are totally behind us with me, but I just can not get him in or to stay as there has even been times I have got him there but refuses to go into the building.

 

I have offered to stay close by, not go home, be near him but nothing has got him to co-operate.

 

I have placed bans on the days he doesnt go, no TV, XBOX, PSP, ect... and that in itself is prooving a challenge but he is restless and board at home all day but he would rather be at home that at school, the sad thing is he actually has an average IQ and his underlying ability in some subjects are massive he could do well in GCSEs if he would only apply himself a little, his science ability is great, he is so into investigations and doing curcits all the time at home, he cant leave gadgets alone, he has to toutch constantly.

 

In school there is no visable anxieties, though he said he is, there isnt any real signs, except in noisy, smelly places then we know, but other that he is ok, he has friends, he isnt bullied, he is excepted, he enjoys his time there, so why would he resist going in the first place.

 

 

JsMum

[meggzie]

i went back to my school because i know i wasnt staying there

 

i also didnt want to miss out on seeing my friends at school

 

i hav had out bersts but they are ok my teachers just let it go

 

its easyer if you help them find away of writeing down why they dont like it

 

and then you can talk it over with the school

 

meggz

[JsMum]

Hi Meggzie

 

Thankyou for replying,

 

J is clausterphobia, he doesnt like feel trapped, at school he says sometimes he feels trapped, could this be the problem?

 

JsMum

[meggzie]

he doesnt like feel trapped, at school he says sometimes he feels trapped

 

 

yes if he dosent have the freedom to leave the class if needed then yes you can feel traped

 

and if you talk to his school about it if some times his teachers dont know this then it needs to be told to every teacher and i say EVERY

 

because if he has a substatute then the teacher wont know about it and wont let him go out that is what happond to me i had a substatute and she wouldnt let me out to calm down so i ended up storming out anyway

 

meggz

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

meggz has some pecs type cards ( an asd adult made for her )saying things like

i am ill

i need to calm down ect

i need some space

i dont understand

i dindt know but she took them to school and was using them

meggz is a great speaker, but when stressed angry or poorly will not communicate with teachers, so these work

altho the school do not really support them

x

[JsMum]

Hi Thanks Again,

 

We have time out cards, so I will ensure these are used, he can opt to leave the classroom if needed, but for brief periods as he will misuse them to aviod the lesson. The school understand about Js time awareness now too, and will be allowing extra time for processing, I have had a chat to Ian and he has said some really interesting things about Js reactions to faces, we are going to be seeing him soon for a full assessment, as Bid has also commented on reading emotions and faces so researching further into these too.

 

I am not sure how much the school will except into these kind of explanations but its worth an assessment, I will do some sequence cards too go in order after the travel into school, so I meet my teacher, I have ICT, I have a playtime, I have maths, I go home, that kind of visual dictation.

 

Thanks guys got a lot of work ahead of me.

 

JsMum

[JenRose]

we couldnt get mike back into primary school for 2 years.

we tried EVERYTHING, part time, slow reintegration you name it, he would go into his bedroom and refuse to come out.

in the end the camhs psych recommended home tuition as their counselling wasnt helping, he refused to listen to them.

we only got him into school last september and that was to a special school, lots of pictures,visits, he immediately felt secure

and has loved everyday, in fact he hates school holidays and cant wait to get back.

 

sorry not to be more positive.

[JsMum]

we couldnt get mike back into primary school for 2 years.

we tried EVERYTHING, part time, slow reintegration you name it, he would go into his bedroom and refuse to come out.

in the end the camhs psych recommended home tuition as their counselling wasnt helping, he refused to listen to them.

we only got him into school last september and that was to a special school, lots of pictures,visits, he immediately felt secure

and has loved everyday, in fact he hates school holidays and cant wait to get back.

 

sorry not to be more positive.

 

Hi Jen glad the special school is going well, Js primary school is a very small community primary and very safe, though he doesnt feel safe it is in relation to other schools, he only has a few months left, then we are too are going down the Special school route, I had changed my mind at one point and thought I want to at least give Mainstream secondary a go as a lot of people say its the making of a lot of kids but I really cant see him coping in the actual enviroment, so we are too looking into special school, it will mean a fight for funding but I am getting special help from Youngminds and legal centre so I want to try I have nothing to loose.

 

I want him back in school just for the next few months, get throw this last bit of phase, thats all, I cant home school, I have already looked into this, and he wouldnt work at home anyway, we are already doing part time school as it is, and that in itself is really full on and demanding.

 

I will do a social story over the weekend with him and get some cards done, thankyou for your reply.

 

JsMum

[onlycrazygal]

HI, just to say good luck with your son,

i really do sympathise it can be the most difficult time for all...

good luck

OCG

[Clare63]

I've probably gone on a bit about this lately on other threads, but my son has been out of school since Oct 07 and we have now been offered and accepted the services of an agency called Children out of School (C.O.O.S) where the child is given a support worker to help get them back into school, they work with the child and the family, it can be a God send as they can see first hand the pressures we are under as parents, particuarly when the child is not showing problems at school and appears Ok when they get there. The support worker will take them to school and stay with them. Whilst our situation is different my DS is actually signed off sick with anxiety and stress, they have still supported us with home tutoring, restoring confidence and helping with getting him to leave the house.

 

Perhaps you could enquire at school or your LEA if they provide such a service and whether they could help with his finally few months in primary and then the transision into secondary education.

 

Clare x x x

[stressedmumto2]

Hi J's mum as you know from previous threads my son has also school refsued on many occasions and in different school settings. We were lucky as we had help from an out-reach worker who observed my son going into school (should I say my attempt at getting him to school) and then drew up a plan and also advised the school.

 

It seems to me that J can't cope with the stimulating enviroment and if he is saying he feels trapped then it would be a good idea if there were a safe space he could retreat to when he is feeling stressed/overwhelmed and needs some time out. In order to do this the school would probably need to find a room (could be old cupboard, if big enough) that could be turned into a calming/nurturing/sensory room that J could use if feeling overwhelmed there would need to be a visual way in which he could let the tecahers know he needs to leave the room i.e. a card saying I need to leave or something similar.

 

My son started back at school on part time table with visual board at home showing which days he would be going in and for morning or afternoon, initally it was morning then moved onto staying at lunch if he wanted to and if he had earnt it, there were social stories and visual boards. When he first went in he was allowed to just do motivating activities the reason behind this was so that he could view school as being fun, that was at that time the way he needed to view school, which goes against what school is all about!! He would have arty activities set up for him i.e. clay, scissors/paper etc and would do art activities set up around the lesson, he was also given the chance to go into the classroom for short bursts and when he felt comfortable.

 

The out-reach worker said that he needed to know that school was motivating. He also needed to know why he had to go to school and what he would be doing once there. Set times for how long he would be in school for and an activity to do after school, which was visually displayed on a now and then board, showing school then activity. We did succesfully get him back into school but it was short lived.

[Mother in Need]

Both my two youngest sons have school refused, both with extreme behaviours, both very defiant and violent, one so distressed he even tried to commit suicide. Now both are back at school, though both with full time (including break times) 1-2-1. My youngest is still not fully settled in (over a year of problems now), but my middle one is fully settled and doing fine.

 

When he first refused to even get out of bed, dressed, to the bus etc, he wasn't diagnosed yet and school was refusing to accept that the 16 hours support he had were nowhere near enough. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he ended up for 6 weeks in a CAHMS day unit, who also tried to get him back into school. They did lots of good stuff for us, but in that they failed. His behaviour when he was at school in those days was such that school told me 'it was better for me to keep him home for a little while'... Not knowing at the time that he was actually being illegally expelled because they weren't meeting his needs... anyway, long story short, in the end his reintegration went extremely slowly, going from standing in front of the school building with him throwing stones at myself, the TA and another helper there, to slowly allowing himself to be drawn into the school for a cup of herbal tea, to staying for an hour in a separate room, to spending a bit more time, and on and on and on. We did have times where we had to completely backtrack, and start again. Also, this only got us so far, and it became clear he still could not cope. Finally he was offered a place in the small (4 students) EBD unit and in there he started to feel safe and began to slowly access his lessons, first from the unit and then slowly by going out to a few lessons. Now he goes to all but PE lessons, though at all times still has a TA with him. This is now nearly two years later, and he is doing good, achieving good grades and even talking about doing A levels!

 

My youngest was a different story again, he couldn't cope for similar and yet different reasons, and he too ended up in the CAHMS day unit for six weeks. They DID manage to get the reintegration started, although once again it has been a very slow progress. He was discharged from the day unit in October, and we still have a way to go. But once again, 1-2-1 TA support has been crucial, lots of understanding and letting him decide (almost) when he is ready to go into the class, lots of times spent doing the work in a separate room, I have also spent MANY an hour staying with him so he wouldn't run away from school again, and getting him to accept to be in the building. With him too we are having a lot of set backs, especially after weekends (roll on tomorrow morning...no) and half terms and holidays, or after a difficult time at home with his brother, or simply (ahem) a change of teacher or other factors.

 

I hope this has been useful to you JSmum, both my boys ARE back in school, the youngest is also in his last few months before going to college, and the other doing his second year of GCSEs now. Both boys have been/are being reintegrated into school, after some pretty heavy school refusals and severe problems. But it has been a slow progress for both, and CAHMS has been invaluable in both cases (as for my middle one this led to obtaining his statement).

 

It can be done. With a lot of patience and understanding. By taking very small steps. And then taking some backwards again. By perseverence. And by making the children involved see all that is being done for them, and that it is all done to help them feel better within themselves. That they are not alone. That all involved are trying to understand what specific parts are so difficult for them, so they can try to find a way around that and make it work.