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CarolJ

Truly accepting my childs autism

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Hi folks I want to share my thoughts on the way NT parents can sometimes struggle to accept their childs autism. This is written from my own perspective you may find some some points mirror your own experiences.

 

Firstly I quote the words of James Williams. who lives in Northbrook, Illinois, 19 years old with high-functioning autism.

 

Now let?s take a look at this event as it occurs between two conflicting mindsets?the normal mind and the autistic mind.

 

Take a look at the autistic mind. Here you have a mind that perceives things drastically different from the normal mind. This is where the trouble arises. The normal mind, with its style of thinking, grows accustomed to thinking a specific way. It is tolerant in situations where normal people typically suffer. But it is intolerant in situations where normal people should be behaving properly. Then the normal mind sees the autistic person, and does not know that autistic person has a totally different way of perceiving the world. And the normal person, with his normal mind, might be incapable of thinking outside his normal mind, and to consider the possibility that the thoughts of the autistic mind are valid, and might even deny they exist entirely.

 

[NOTE: ?Normal? is defined as what is accepted by the majority of people in a situation (social, business, etc.) compared to a single person or a minority. Although this may differ between different cultures, all cultures have behaviors they consider normal.)

 

Is this due to arrogance? Sometimes, yes. Just as many conservatives arrogantly refuse to consider anything outside the box of conservatism, many normal people refuse to understand, or try to acquire understanding in autism. Indeed, some normal minds, as a part of their way of thinking, deliberately refuse to consider understanding autistic people. To these people, autistic people are wrong and they?re right. To paraphrase a well-known line, stated several times from the movie Matilda:

 

"I?m smart, you?re dumb. I?m big, you?re small. I?m right, you?re wrong. And there?s nothing you can do about it.?

 

This sums up the attitude of many normal people toward autistic children.

 

But normal people are not all arrogant. Some normal people want to understand autistic children, and want to develop a ?theory of mind? toward the autistic perception. But they simply cannot. Their inability is not due to their unwillingness, but because of the way they think. And some people want to know how to think differently. If they succeed, it will be because they can think outside of themselves and their perceptions.?

 

These words to me sum up how I used to feel about my childrens autism. The pressure from society to normalize and stop autistic behaviours. To almost hide them because they made others uncomfortable. Autism is unlike any other condition, most disabilities have physical signs and disability can be seen, autism is different. NT parents give birth to apparently NT children and over the course of their childhood and infancy the autism starts to present itself and eventually diagnosis can be sought. Others like myself who have children who regress lose previous acquired skills and take on autistic behaviours. I firmly believe there are two types of autism. One is clearly genetic usually Aspergers high functioning autism. The second type of autism is triggered by an environmental event ie viral illness, accident, birth complications, vaccines. This second type of autism is the one termed as Kanners. One of the saddest things I have found is that because of the umbrella of autism is that the Aspergers autistics can get very defensive over their autism saying its part of them not something that should be fixed and I don't blame them. When parents like myself say we want interventions we are not talking about a cure "curebies" we are talking about tackling some of the obvious and dangerous and painful aspects of our children?s autism. Some people see the attack and the desire to improve the lot of the lower functioning autistics as an attack on autism itself and the arguments can get very heated and spiteful. I have seen Aspies attacking neurotypical parents and accusing them of hating their own children. I want to let you know that parents like myself love our children and only want whats best for them. Its not about changing autism. Its about improving the quality of lives for our children who cannot speak so they can make choices of their own or free them of the pain that many of them are in.

 

Unfortunately as we all know the world is a tough cruel place and we know the problems our children have set them at a huge disadvantage. One of the biggest worries parents have is what will happen to their children if the parents were to get sick or ill or die. This is my greatest fear I feel as if I have to live forever.

 

The shock of first realizing that my son especially was autistic was like grief. I had to grieve for the child I thought once I had done that I grew to love and accept my son the way he is ?autistic? it took years for me to fully accept this.

I realized the reasons I found it hard to accept my child?s autism was that I had been conditioned by society to think in a certain way. My social conditioning had caused me to grow up with certain expectations. Its one that most people have. When my son regressed into autism I found people began to melt away, friends, family. This was a hard lesson for a sociable NT as myself to accept that society had indeed turned its back on myself and my children because they were different.

 

I cannot tell you how angry I would get, how upset, how I repeatedly struggled to get people to accept but in the end I realized that they would much rather ignore than accept and I was fighting a losing battle. I knew that by repeatedly trying to gain this acceptance I was in fact denying to myself the way my children were. When my son was younger his autism was not so apparent and I could almost pretend he was normal and tried to discourage his autistic behaviours in public so as not to draw attention to him. I grew angry when people stared at him because he was having a meltdown. I tried to diffuse the situation and remove my son so as not to disturb others. This was the social conditioning I had been raised to believe. Now if my son displays autistic traits I love him for it. I encourage him to wave his hands and squeal and I totally ignore any onlookers. I am proud that he is such a happy child and the fact that he is so free of the social confines that bound me as an individual. We all pretend to a certain extent. My son really showed me what it was like to be free of that social consciousness and it?s a great place to be. He just doesn?t care. I often get told by experts still "he needs to comply with society". Why? For whose benefit yours? Mine? His? Societies? He is his own person and he is autistic.

 

My own experiences with my son. His behavior is pretty challenging and when I am out and about with him he often kicks up a scream and people often stop and stare (because he is autistic he doesn?t look disabled) they just assume he is a being a little brat. Then when I tell them he is autistic they start saying ?awwwww poor thing?? and I get angrier my son is not an object of pity he is a little boy who is different. This was the reason I put my hair into braids I got fed up with people pitying me and my son and if they were going to stare at us in the street I wanted to give them something to stare at. You don?t see many white women with braids and it certainly gets you noticed. I rarely get anyone offer me sympathy these days as most people don?t know how to deal with me unless they can pity me. This amuses me. If they stare now I say to them ?Do you want a picture? As its rude to stare at a disabled child? that normally embarrasses them. I walk with my head held high I am proud of my son he?s better behaved than a lot of so called ?normal? kids. At least he has a reason.

 

There are things I would like him to do ie learn a form of communication, not necessarily speech and stop hitting because it hurts. But I have realized I cannot change him he is the one who has to decide he wants to do something. I can only encourage him.

 

He will always be autistic. I want him to acquire as many skills as possible to have a say in his own life and be as independent as is possible. This isn?t about my trying to ?normalize? its about giving him a voice to make his own choices.

I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with you all.

 

There were days when I felt as if I had to choose between society or my children.

 

It wasn?t easy but I managed to overcome it. Having given up my social conditioning I am free to love and accept my children the way they are. If others cant that's down to them.

 

I would welcome thoughts from any others on this especially those on the spectrum themsevles!.

Edited by CarolJ

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carolj that was absolutley beautiful what you wrote about your son and i agree with you i am exactly as you described yourself as what is normal and what is not but having read this i will try everyday to let my twins be who they really are instead of what society expects them to be :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:

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Hmmmm......

 

There's quite a bit I agree with wholeheartedly, but other bits i'm less comfortable with:

 

The normal mind, with its style of thinking, grows accustomed to thinking a specific way. It is tolerant in situations where normal people typically suffer. But it is intolerant in situations where normal people should be behaving properly.

 

I don't think it's that simple/B&W... Some people are tolerant, others aren't (and that's certainly not an exclusive 'NT' or non-disabled state of affairs. There's just a shift in perception that needs to be taken into the equation), simple as. It may be a little more complicated with autism because there is no obvious sign of disability, so until people realise (or are told) they are responding normally only to that which IS visible - the behaviour. If we lived in a world where intrusive/destructive/violent behaviour was accepted unconditionally society would be very different - and not for the better. On the other hand, a sweeping generalisation like 'assume autism until told otherwise' would have a hugely negative effect on how autistic people are perceived...What really matters is the numbers that respond appropriately when they are made aware, and what we can do to 'educate' those who remain intolerant following disclosure.

The quote from Matilda emphasises that perfectly - intolerant people don't target autistic people specifically, they are intolerant of any difference.

 

I agree to a point with some of the things you say about normalisation and societal pressure, but also believe in compromise where compromise is a realistic and achievable objective. We want 'understanding and acceptance' for our children - why is it any different to have an expectation that our children demonstrate that acceptance and understanding toward the sensibilities of others too when they demonstrate the abilities to do so (that bold bit is very important!).

 

I disagree completely that there are 'two types' of autism, and think distinctions like that do more harm than good. I don't know what the world population of autistic people is, but that, IMO is the number of 'types' of autism there are. Each autistic person is an individual, and any sort of pigeonholing detracts from that. As far as kanners/aspergers go - they were two people looking seperately at manifestations of the same thing. Any differences they saw were down to their selection criteria - as each was using their own 'medical model' as a template. Had the template existed previously, the (unnecessary IMO) distinctions would have probably never appeared...

 

I cannot tell you how angry I would get, how upset, how I repeatedly struggled to get people to accept but in the end I realized that they would much rather ignore than accept and I was fighting a losing battle. I knew that by repeatedly trying to gain this acceptance I was in fact denying to myself the way my children were...I grew angry when people stared at him because he was having a meltdown. I tried to diffuse the situation and remove my son so as not to disturb others.

I often get told by experts still "he needs to comply with society". Why? For whose benefit yours? Mine? His? Societies? He is his own person and he is autistic.

 

I'm very confused by these bits :unsure: . I don't see how wanting people to accept and understand your child represents a personal 'denial', and i don't understand why removing your child in meltdown is a sign of social conditioning? Surely if your son is in meltdown removing him from the situation causing his distress is completely appropriate? If doing that also effects an acceptable compromise for others surely that's a bonus, not a sign of acquiesence?

With regard to 'Why?' and 'for who's benefit?' I would have to say everybody's! Compromise is part of everyone's lives... the opportunities for those who do not or are unable to compromise are extremely limited. Doing everything we can to maximise those opportunities for those who fall into the 'unable' category should undoubtedly be an imperative, but helping them to meet us half way makes that whole process far, far easier...

 

One thing that really disturbs me is the amount of aggression here - the 'do you want a picture' stuff. Believe me, I know how hurtful it is to be looked at in this way, and i'd be a liar if i said i hadn't lashed out in the past (and will undoubtedly do so again!), but i always regret it afterwards, because a calm and reasonable explanation would probably have done more good. You've said yourself that it has been a process of years to come to an understanding and acceptance of your son, but you seem to have an expectation that complete strangers should be able to achieve that level of understanding and acceptance on initial contact with him. To see beyond the obvious they need to be able to understand. if what they see in him is aggression, and what they see from you is aggression, it may be giving them completely the wrong message(?)

 

Finally, I've got to say i found your penultimate paragraph very unsettling and judgemental. I've put it together below with a paragraph from earlier to try to highlight my concern:

 

1 - Some people see the attack and the desire to improve the lot of the lower functioning autistics as an attack on autism itself and the arguments can get very heated and spiteful. I have seen Aspies attacking neurotypical parents and accusing them of hating their own children. I want to let you know that parents like myself love our children and only want whats best for them. Its not about changing autism...

 

2 - It wasn't easy but I managed to overcome it. Having given up my social conditioning I am free to love and accept my children the way they are. If others cant that's down to them.

 

To me, these seem like very similar things. You seem to be saying that only parents who have arrived at the same conclusions as you are truly free to love and accept their children.... I think those sort of judgements, whether made by the more militant autistic community or by 'enlightened' parents, are totally inaccurate. :(

 

Well! loads of thoughts as requested! :lol::lol: Keep sparkling >:D<<'> :D

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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......

I don't think it's that simple/B&W... Some people are tolerant, others aren't (and that's certainly not an exclusive 'NT' or non-disabled state of affairs. There's just a shift in perception that needs to be taken into the equation), simple as. It may be a little more complicated with autism because there is no obvious sign of disability, so until people realise (or are told) they are responding normally only to that which IS visible - the behaviour. If we lived in a world where intrusive/destructive/violent behaviour was accepted unconditionally society would be very different - and not for the better. On the other hand, a sweeping generalisation like 'assume autism until told otherwise' would have a hugely negative effect on how autistic people are perceived...What really matters is the numbers that respond appropriately when they are made aware, and what we can do to 'educate' those who remain intolerant following disclosure.

The quote from Matilda emphasises that perfectly - intolerant people don't target autistic people specifically, they are intolerant of any difference.

 

I agree to a point with some of the things you say about normalisation and societal pressure, but also believe in compromise where compromise is a realistic and achievable objective. We want 'understanding and acceptance' for our children - why is it any different to have an expectation that our children demonstrate that acceptance and understanding toward the sensibilities of others too when they demonstrate the abilities to do so (that bold bit is very important!).

 

BD thanks for your reply this is my perception and I found that the words I quoted rang true with me, unfortnately. I have found that soceity on whole is not tolerant of differences and doesnt hesitate to judge an autistic child. Yes you are right that its not blanket statement about acceptance and there are some who are willing to learn but in my experience unless someone is directly affected by autism they arent interested in understanding or learning about it. Most people are happy to remain ignorant. I have seen peoples eyes glaze over when I try to explain to them about autism. The majority are just not interested :unsure:

 

I disagree completely that there are 'two types' of autism, and think distinctions like that do more harm than good. I don't know what the world population of autistic people is, but that, IMO is the number of 'types' of autism there are. Each autistic person is an individual, and any sort of pigeonholing detracts from that. As far as kanners/aspergers go - they were two people looking seperately at manifestations of the same thing. Any differences they saw were down to their selection criteria - as each was using their own 'medical model' as a template. Had the template existed previously, the (unnecessary IMO) distinctions would have probably never appeared...

 

BD thanks for your take on the two types of autism. I guess what I was trying to say that certain autism appears to have environmental influences ie dietary, bio medical often linked to the immune system ie allergy. I have come across adults with aspgergers who tried to disassociate themselves with the lower end of the spectrum believing themselves to be the elite and almost as if they were the next step in human evolution. Obviously watching too much Next Generation :notworthy: My fella's dad was deffo on the spectrum (hes dead now sadly). My fella is what one politely terms as a "geek" My take is that my sons autism seems is worlds apart from high functioning Aspergers. Both my kids had language delay and skill regression (my son has never developed language) whereas aspergers tend to talk from an early age and dont appear to regress into aspergers. Correct me if I am wrong.

 

I'm very confused by these bits :unsure: . I don't see how wanting people to accept and understand your child represents a personal 'denial', and i don't understand why removing your child in meltdown is a sign of social conditioning? Surely if your son is in meltdown removing him from the situation causing his distress is completely appropriate? If doing that also effects an acceptable compromise for others surely that's a bonus, not a sign of acquiesence?

With regard to 'Why?' and 'for who's benefit?' I would have to say everybody's! Compromise is part of everyone's lives... the opportunities for those who do not or are unable to compromise are extremely limited. Doing everything we can to maximise those opportunities for those who fall into the 'unable' category should undoubtedly be an imperative, but helping them to meet us half way makes that whole process far, far easier...

 

One thing that really disturbs me is the amount of aggression here - the 'do you want a picture' stuff. Believe me, I know how hurtful it is to be looked at in this way, and i'd be a liar if i said i hadn't lashed out in the past (and will undoubtedly do so again!), but i always regret it afterwards, because a calm and reasonable explanation would probably have done more good. You've said yourself that it has been a process of years to come to an understanding and acceptance of your son, but you seem to have an expectation that complete strangers should be able to achieve that level of understanding and acceptance on initial contact with him. To see beyond the obvious they need to be able to understand. if what they see in him is aggression, and what they see from you is aggression, it may be giving them completely the wrong message(?)

 

BD well lets just say. I really had my eyes opened about attitudes. I have cut off family and friends who when it came down to it just didnt want to know and ignore. It was a natural process of others excluding my children as they didnt know how to dealwith them and werent interested in hearing about them. ie birthday parties at school, family functions, parties. I would ask "why didnt you invite my DS" and it was clear that they didnt want DS there would say things like "Oh i didnt think hed want to come?". Out of sight out of mind. They didnt feel comfortable or know how to deal with it. The reality is that people do struggle to accept differences. Their motivations may not be cruel or nasty but in the end they found it easier to just ignore. Things like birthdays and christmas especially from my ex whose family totally cut them off.

 

I just learned to toughen up. Its not about wanting people to accept and understand my kids autism (in a matter of minutes) its more about people accepting my kids the same way other kids are accepted. You can see the difference in the way my kids are treated people find it hard to relate and talk to my son especially like hes some type of simpleton. When I say things like "do you want a photo?" its really because I dont enjoy my son being viewed as some type of entertainment side show. After all its rude to stare and these oglers need reminding of their manners!

 

 

Finally, I've got to say i found your penultimate paragraph very unsettling and judgemental. I've put it together below with a paragraph from earlier to try to highlight my concern:

 

To me, these seem like very similar things. You seem to be saying that only parents who have arrived at the same conclusions as you are truly free to love and accept their children.... I think those sort of judgements, whether made by the more militant autistic community or by 'enlightened' parents, are totally inaccurate. :(

 

Well! loads of thoughts as requested! :lol::lol: Keep sparkling >:D<<'> :D

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

BD its possible to love someone without fully accepting who and what they are. In fact its harder to be objective about someone you love. I would never suggest that I loved my child any more than any others. But I struggled to let go of my own expectatations and accept my kids autism as part of what my children are - stopped wishing that they could be neurotypical (am being honest here BD). It was never about judgements it was about my overcoming my neurotypical idealism and expectations and learning to accept differences in my kids.

 

Jeeze forgive my manners -thanks for your input BD its great to have another point of view. I respect your opinons and do listen. although I might seem to ramble off on a tangent sometimes.

 

cheers hun

 

sparkle!

Edited by CarolJ

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Hi Carol,

 

I think there's a lot of truth in that quote. "Lack of theory of mind" is one of the traits of autism, but many non-autistic people often seem to struggle to understand the way autistic people think. I've often heard autistic people raise the question, do we really lack understanding of the way other people think, or is it just a human inability to understand people different to yourself? There are many examples of autistic people considering other people's feelings, and also of non-autistic people having misunderstandings because of differences in culture or experience. But then I see things that make me think it is a definite autistic issue. I witnessed a discussion about a venue for an event organised for and by autistic people. One person felt it was important that there was a dimmer switch so that we could dim the lighting. She cared about other people's feelings, and wanted them to feel comfortable, but it did not occur to her that some people might not experience bright lighting the same way as her.

 

I think there has to be some kind of meeting in the middle. The more my mum learns about autism, the more she understands me. The more I learn about autism, the more I learn about ways she is different to me, and the more I understand her. I think we both have to learn to understand each other, because when it's just the two of us doing something, neither of us is the different one or the normal one, because we are just two different people.

 

But when I am at work, why should my colleagues go to the same effort as my mum to understand the way I think and understand things? It would be nice if they could accept that I see things differently, so that we can work things out when we misunderstand each other, but I don't feel they should all have to adapt themselves just for one person. In that situation, I am the one who has to adapt and understand how to communicate with them. I don't have to act normal, but I do need to understand a certain amount of normality in order to cope in that situation.

 

I do agree that anything that helps an autistic person to develop new skills is a positive thing. A lot of people who talk about curing autism actually mean they want the person to have the ability to get their needs met, not that they want the person to become normal, or that they find the person unacceptable. I know that many parents worry that their child will not be able to speak out if they are treated badly, and want their child to have the skills they need to speak out. Anything that helps a person do that is a good thing.

 

I don't think there are two types of autism. I see what you are saying about causes of autism, and do agree that there are some people who seem autistic from the start, and others who appear to develop normally and then regress. There probably are different causes for the two as well (in my opinion anyway). But I think the divide between Asperger and Kanner type autism is blurry at best, and fairly arbitrary. If I had been assessed aged 5, I probably would have been diagnosed Kanner-type autistic (the only type that was known about at that point anyway). Because I was not diagnosed until adulthood, I was diagnosed Asperger. I obviously meet the criteria for diagnosis, otherwise I would not have one, but when you look at the criteria based on the early development of speech, I meet the Kanner-type autism criteria. I do appear fairly "high-functioning" on the surface. I have a job and live by myself without support. But I do have significant difficulties. My ability to speak hides my inability to communicate my needs. I will go to work when I feel very unwell rather than phone in sick. It took me several months to organise an electrician, plaster and painter & decorator, and when they came I went away because I couldn't cope with the chaos and the social side of offering them a cup of tea and things. It takes me a long time to book an appointment at the doctor. I would need my mum to sort it out if there was anything urgent. I needed my dad to sort it when I had to make a claim on my car insurance. If I don't list everything in detail, I cannot clean my house. "Clean bathroom" is not enough. It has to be sweep floor, wipe toilet, squirt toilet duck in toilet, clean bath, clean sink, mop floor. If something gets missed off the list, it doesn't get done. The world won't end if I forget to clean the toilet, but if I forget to clean out the cat litter tray, they take to using the front doormat, and I can easily miss really important things as well like paying a bill. I am very socially isolated and have no friends at all, and don't know how to go about making any.

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Tally thank you for your comments on this. I have to agree that the lack of theory of mind is definitely not an exclusive autistic trait , in fact I have found NTs are probably worse in my experience. I agree that meeting on middle ground/compromise can sometimes be the way forward. What I have found is that society doesnt seem prepared to do this on the whole. I guess thats where BD got concerned about the anger. I dont lose control I just had to learn to stop thinking about how others perceived my kids.

 

I agree that with work colleagues etc. its not possible for them to have the same level of understanding as someone who loves you. I suppose I amtalking about general attitudes when I say the word "society" but it was the attitude from friends and family that really upset me.

 

I agree everyone is an individual irrespective of being on the spectrum or not.

 

People are like onions we are made up of many layers and can bring tears to the eyes.

 

What I wrote was was purely my perceptions as a neurotypical parent of autistic kids and it was also driven by my emotions, including anger.

 

I am just glad that I have seen the positive side of having autistic children and turned my back on the "norm". In fact nothign about my life is normal any more.

 

My son is badly affected by his autism and i know unless he learns a form of communication that as an adult he may not be able to have a say in his life or make independent decisions. I dont want others making decisions about his life.

 

I think tally we all have friends on this forum. Thats one of the best things about this site. I find that I dont have a lot in common with a lot of people these days and can find people to be a bit superficial and self absorbed. I find it too much of an effort. I have a few close friends who I trust but they are people who genuinely care.

 

I think the beauty of sites like this forum is that we can all share our thoughts and feelings and know that there are others here that will understand how we feel and offer advice and support. Thats almost impossible to achieve in real life!

 

I know someone else who likes to makes lists. In fact I should do it more often as I tend to forget alot of things :unsure: but that could just be cos I am blonde!

 

thanks again tally

Edited by CarolJ

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but that could just be cos I am blonde!

 

thanks again tally

 

yeah, and who'd know under all those extensions! :o:whistle:

 

Tally :

 

I think there has to be some kind of meeting in the middle. The more my mum learns about autism, the more she understands me. The more I learn about autism, the more I learn about ways she is different to me, and the more I understand her. I think we both have to learn to understand each other, because when it's just the two of us doing something, neither of us is the different one or the normal one, because we are just two different people.

 

That's it in a nutshell (thank you :notworthy: )... now if only we can get it that clear on a global scale we'll be laughing :thumbs:

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that said, "building bridges in both directions," and I thought it made a lot of sense.

 

Incidentally, I used to have my hair braided too. I am white, as in pasty, pale, celtic white too. Saved a lot of time in the morning cos I could just tie it back rather than spending forever with a hairbrush trying to get the knots out. In the end I got sick of having to undo it and redo them as my hair grew. Not al at once mind, just a few every day. Would deffo do it again if I could either make my hair grow more slowly, or pay someone else to do it!

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I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that said, "building bridges in both directions," and I thought it made a lot of sense.

 

Incidentally, I used to have my hair braided too. I am white, as in pasty, pale, celtic white too. Saved a lot of time in the morning cos I could just tie it back rather than spending forever with a hairbrush trying to get the knots out. In the end I got sick of having to undo it and redo them as my hair grew. Not al at once mind, just a few every day. Would deffo do it again if I could either make my hair grow more slowly, or pay someone else to do it!

 

Tally actually this is one of the reasons why I keep mine braided, it saves an awful lot of time in the morning. Its a low maintenance hairstyle. I do my own too, it would cost a fortune if I had to got to a hairdressers to do it!

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we have a ASD high functioning 8 year old son,who is at the willful, i want to do what i want when i want and i want the world.people and things to do what i want, and the concept of taking turns is foreign and being rude, what is rude? and wanting the whole world to know i exist and will make a public scene like in church by shouting out hello everyone, or no stop listen to me he shouts to get attention and the reaction he expects. but he is unique and funny too :wub: i am learning to get a thick skin,when he becomes public, its thicker than when he was younger and we didn't know, but the Earlybird program run by the NAS Scotland has been a fantastic life line in learning about autism and why and where, and how to understand challenges and how to overcome some of them.and so we are much more confident with our selves and our family, and its important to laugh as well, we also enjoy this forum to swap experiences and our group of friends of Earlybird parents meetings, because it feels good knowing we aren't alone and when the neurotypical world gawps and judges, we have ach other to boost our morales.

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Hi Carol,

 

I haven't posted for ages...maybe over a year actually but I found what you have written really interesting. I remember reading your posts when I first joined and thinking how similar your son (is it Scotty??) sounded to mine.

 

Jaden was 2 when I first joined and he was diagnosed. He is at the age now where he gets the stares and funny looks ( before he was a toddler and could get away with the tantrums!) and people expect him to speak (he is non verbal) and to be toilet trained (still in nappies) and even though I thought I had accepted his Autism the recent challenges of school and other people's opinions made me realise that maybe I haven't and I feel it's yet another "grieving" process that maybe I didn't finish the first time or is hitting me again....really not sure.

 

Anyway, not sure if all that makes sense :whistle: but your post certainly did.

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Hi Carol,

 

I haven't posted for ages...maybe over a year actually but I found what you have written really interesting. I remember reading your posts when I first joined and thinking how similar your son (is it Scotty??) sounded to mine.

 

Jaden was 2 when I first joined and he was diagnosed. He is at the age now where he gets the stares and funny looks ( before he was a toddler and could get away with the tantrums!) and people expect him to speak (he is non verbal) and to be toilet trained (still in nappies) and even though I thought I had accepted his Autism the recent challenges of school and other people's opinions made me realise that maybe I haven't and I feel it's yet another "grieving" process that maybe I didn't finish the first time or is hitting me again....really not sure.

 

Anyway, not sure if all that makes sense :whistle: but your post certainly did.

 

 

Hi Jadensmum, yes I do remember you, I am glad you were able to identify and I think unless someone has a child like scott they wouldnt fully understand what I am talking about. It never truly goes away and you will find that different things will trigger it, normally seeing others of your sons age or someone saying how their child achieved something remarkable serves as a powerful reminder. I know people dont mean it but sometimes it feels like a slap in the face - its a continual process of acceptance. One that I do everyday. You will never stop grieving but it gets easier to live with. I know it hurts when people stare and it seems that everyone elses kid even when they are are on the spectrum is making more progress. The right schooling and support really can make a difference - Scott is much happier these days - sure hes still non verbal but hes a character alright as I am sure Jaden is too. Its their total innocence that always gets to me how vulnerable they are how trusting. I will pm you with my email address if you want to chat more.

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