Difficult evening feeling misserable.

[Karen A]

Hi.We had a very rough evening yesterday evening with both of our lads.This morning has not been great either and I am feeling fed up.

Ben has been a bit out of sorts the last few days.He is being quite demanding about lots of things and asking lots of questions if things change slightly.

My elder DS is 12.He is usually very supportive of Ben and has helped him a lot in all sots of ways.The lads have both been reading through a series of books .Ben had been nagging his brother to finish the last few pages of the latest book so that he could have it.The next thing I knew..out of nowhere J gave Ben such a slap on his back that Ben still has a clear red mark this morning.Ben had turned round and was walking away when J hit him.

I was very cross with J and a bit shocked.Ben was extremely upsett and J appeared a bit shocked that he had lost his temper to such an extent.

I had a chatt with Ben's teacher this morning.As well as potentially being unsettled today he has PE and I thought it best to explain why he has a slap mark on his back.She knows J very well and tells me I may be getting a teenager in the house.

J was rather quiet today and left earlier than usual before Ben was up.

I just feel rubbish.I gave J such a telling off but wonder if I expect too much of him.I feel upsett for Ben too.

My diet has been going well but I just want a chocolate muffin. Karen.

[CarolJ]

Hi Karen it sounds as if J hit his brother out of frustration my DS does this all the time. Sometimes when they struggle to express themselves verbally they hit out. Its not done out of malice its done because my son just cant help himself he lashes out. Problem is it hurts

 

I am working on a no hitting plan with my son hes non-verbal and reacting to him "you gave him a telling off" actually reinforces hitting as an acceptabe form of behaviour. But as your son is higher functioning I really do think it was done because he had no other way of expressing his frustration and he hit his brother because he was nagging him to finish the book.

 

Ben had been nagging his brother to finish the last few pages of the latest book so that he could have it.The next thing I knew..out of nowhere J gave Ben such a slap on his back that Ben still has a clear red mark this morning.Ben had turned round and was walking away when J hit him.

 

I have felt like slapping someone sometimes when you are not able to get your point across or they wont listen.

 

It sounds as if Ben was winding his brother up. My daughter does this with my son and I have to tell her to back off and leave DS alone. If you stop and think about how the situation arose. If that was me i would have stepped in earlier to stop Ben nagging his brother. I would calmly explain to Ben that J would finish the book in his own time. My daughter doesnt like to be pushed or harrassed it makes her "stressed".

 

I think next time try to intervene earlier and explain to Ben to leave J alone or to say to J, "Ben cant wait for you to finish that book so I can read it - hes really looking forward to it " - its difficlt when they are both on spectrum but hitting is not an acceptble form. I have punching cushions that i punch sometimes and my daughter does the same. Some people use punchbag - say to J when he feels like this again to go punch the punchbag that way he will communicate to his brother he has gone too far. Of course it may not work but dont try to blame J totally. It sounds to me a case of six of one half a dozen of the other.

 

Dont feel bad your a parent and sometimes you feel as if you have to choose between your kids. Its hard but if I was you I would try to talk about what happened and say to J

 

(you seemed stressed as it because Ben was nagging you?") you know if that happens again, go and punch a cushion or something that wont get damaged rather than hit your brother that way he clearly shows his brother how angry and upset he is without anyone geting hurt.

 

Many NT people do things like kick and slam doors (I am terrible for this slamming doors and stomping feet and I am able to express myself with language!) its time fora bit of anger management methinks?

 

good luck and dont feel guilty your sons sound as if they really do love each other, but boys will be boys. Dont continue to be angry at J - speak to him and let him know that hitting is not acceptable under any circumstances. Also say to Ben if you hadnt have nagged your brother he wouldn thave hit you.

 

Let the boys see that you are fair and you are dissapointed at both of them. If J thinks you are defending Ben it could cause resentment.

Edited February 6, 2008 by CarolJ

[CarolJ]

Another idea is a "safe word" one that can be used when someone has gone too far.

 

ie if you are wound up to a point that you feel you are going to lose control say that word usually something that is not used in every day conversation I say to my daughter "Zanzibar" and she knows enough and she uses it too. It immediately difuses the tension as its a word she can say without thinking and she knows its communicating time to stop!

 

Its just an idea if you havent got anything that can be punched

[baddad]

I think you've just got two boys doing what brothers do from time to time

I'd be really pleased that J was feeling remorseful about it (as he should!), but also understand that you're batting way above average when two boys of this age aren't at each others throats all the time!

 

12 eh? 'There may be trouble ahead'...

 

[jonathan]

Hi.We had a very rough evening yesterday evening with both of our lads.This morning has not been great either and I am feeling fed up.

Ben has been a bit out of sorts the last few days.He is being quite demanding about lots of things and asking lots of questions if things change slightly.

My elder DS is 12.He is usually very supportive of Ben and has helped him a lot in all sots of ways.The lads have both been reading through a series of books .Ben had been nagging his brother to finish the last few pages of the latest book so that he could have it.The next thing I knew..out of nowhere J gave Ben such a slap on his back that Ben still has a clear red mark this morning.Ben had turned round and was walking away when J hit him.

I was very cross with J and a bit shocked.Ben was extremely upsett and J appeared a bit shocked that he had lost his temper to such an extent.

I had a chatt with Ben's teacher this morning.As well as potentially being unsettled today he has PE and I thought it best to explain why he has a slap mark on his back.She knows J very well and tells me I may be getting a teenager in the house.

J was rather quiet today and left earlier than usual before Ben was up.

I just feel rubbish.I gave J such a telling off but wonder if I expect too much of him.I feel upsett for Ben too.

My diet has been going well but I just want a chocolate muffin. Karen.

Just want to say KEEP YOU"RE CHIN UP KAREN, you are doing a great job with your boys

J will understand why you told him off, hope things improve as the day goes on for you!

[Karen A]

Thanks Carol.

Sorry I think I need to clarify as I forgett that everyone does not know my lads.Ben has Social Communication Difficulties [age 9].J is NT,very articulate and bright...that is why it is such a shock that he lost his temper in dramatic fashion.Never the less I think a lot of what you said about Ben winding J up is very true.J may well be resentful.We do a lot to support Ben and are probably too accomodating sometimes.A friend reminded me the other day that starting secondary school is a big transition....I had not thought about that much because it is J and he just gets on with things.Karen.

[Karen A]

[12 eh? 'There may be trouble ahead'...

 

Yes....I am so looking forward to it. Karen.

[Karen A]

Hi.I have thought of one way to help reduce the risk of further disputes this evening.The library have the series of books in....if I get a library copy the boys can have one each. ....and the cafe at the library has chocolate muffins.

Edited February 6, 2008 by Karen A
adding information

[CarolJ]

Hi.I have thought of one way to help reduce the risk of further disputes this evening.The library have the series of books in....if I get a library copy the boys can have one each. Karen.

 

 

well done Karen- peace will be restored methinks.

 

What I would do in your case is to sit both boys down and let J hear first hand that you hold Ben just as responsible for last night as you do J - this will help J realise that mum is fair and just because Ben needs more help you still think about J and how he is feeling.

 

I think you should apply for a job as a United Nations Peacekeeper!

 

If J is NT just goes to show that he still gets pushed to the point where he struggles express himself and if he often thinks his brother gets more attention or gets away with stuff because of his SENs it can lead to resentment. You need to treat both fairly and equally allowing for their abilities of course.

 

Good luck for tonight! <'> :notworthy:

[Tally]

If you walk to the library, you will burn off the muffin

 

Does sound like J realises that he shouldn't have hit Ben, and that they normally get on waaaaaaay better than my brother and I ever did.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

i have difficulty with this one i have to say

have always had a hands off kind of policy

but kids to beat each other up in families whether asd or not

hope it bit better today

x

[Bagpuss]

Karen <'>

[loobylou2]

<'> Take care Karen

[Karen A]

<'> <'> Thanks all.I have been to the library and have the 5th book in the series plus 6,8 and 9.I hope that will prevent further battles on that front.I also burned off 900 calories at the gym.I even avoided cake but the crisps were too tempting. Karen.

[JsMum]

Hi.I have thought of one way to help reduce the risk of further disputes this evening.The library have the series of books in....if I get a library copy the boys can have one each. ....and the cafe at the library has chocolate muffins.

 

 

I had to have a spare set of everything of Js when he was younger becasue if I didnt then the fights where just too intence, I felt on edge and sometimes the situationwas just as you describe, one couldnt wait for the object, so if J has something and another child wanted it, and the other child couldnt wait then they would try and take it off J, two seconds later the other child crying, J has hit out, defending his property, There was no way I could of explained to J then that the other child wanted it now so give him it, and the other child wouldnt wait for J to give it when he had finished so that is why I got two of everything, most of them I managed to buy them in charity shops and market stalls, sharing is not always about Js difficulties in social context, but he still is as bad, at school he started to take his own pencils because he wouldnt let anyone have access to the pencil tub on the table, they tried alsorts of stratagies until we came up with he has his own set that I purchased.

 

Having spares is always useful.

 

JsMum

Edited February 6, 2008 by JsMum

[JsMum]

Thanks Carol.

Sorry I think I need to clarify as I forgett that everyone does not know my lads.Ben has Social Communication Difficulties [age 9].J is NT,very articulate and bright...that is why it is such a shock that he lost his temper in dramatic fashion.Never the less I think a lot of what you said about Ben winding J up is very true.J may well be resentful.We do a lot to support Ben and are probably too accomodating sometimes.A friend reminded me the other day that starting secondary school is a big transition....I had not thought about that much because it is J and he just gets on with things.Karen.

 

 

How is school going for J, also is there any support groups for siblings who have children on the spectrum, in our area there is siblings group for children who have a disability it may provide him with some connextion with how other brothers feels, also is there any time in the week where it can be just you and J, so J feels special to get his own attention, go out for the evening, like the theartre, bowling, cinema, just you with J.

 

I feel for J as this has come out now.

 

JsMum

[Karen A]

Js mum.J is getting on fine at school.I do think more 1:1 time might help though.I do think he misses out on our attention at times and having time for himself with dad or myself may help.There is a support group for sibblings in my area but I think it does not take sibbs of children with AS .Karen.

[Flora]

Just following on the subject of siblings; I think it's really important to avoid underestimating the emotional effect that having a sibling with special needs has on a child/young person (not that I'm suggesting for one minute that anyone here is doing that!). My dd is 15 and is very close to her brothers; she has recently started having counselling at school due to her feelings of frustration, helplessness, guilt and sadness. I always knew that she was often sad for Bill and unhappy about the awful time he'd had in schools etc, and I think I always thought that by acknowledging how she felt, and making sure we talked about it, that would be enough; how wrong I was! She has been grieving for the past 3 years, particularly since bill's difficulties have been highlighted by the maturing of his peer group, and it has taken a massive toll on her.

 

Sorry for blathering on about the above, the point I wanted to make is that sibling fights are a reassuring and normal part of family life and development; however, what will probably happen with your son Karen is that he will feel more guilt than is normal or necessary for lashing out. That's what you need to keep an eye on particularly in adolescence who are just looking for something 'real' to pin all their confusing emotions (caused by hormones) on.

 

flora X

[JsMum]

Js mum.J is getting on fine at school.I do think more 1:1 time might help though.I do think he misses out on our attention at times and having time for himself with dad or myself may help.There is a support group for sibblings in my area but I think it does not take sibbs of children with AS .Karen.

 

 

I would still ring the manager of the siblings group and explain he has a communication/social disorder and that your NT son would really benefit the group, the other way could be the young carers if he helps to look after him in any way, not that you would want your son be responisble but his responsibilites will be far greater than if his brother was NT.

 

Also look into Sports development programmes they may also have something that is on the criteria for siblings with a disability.

 

And school may offer a councilling support service for your son too so ask about that too.

 

JsMum

[Karen A]

Thanks JsMum <'> <'> Karen.

[Kathryn]

Karen

 

<'>

 

Hope today has been better.

 

K x

[Karen A]

<'> Thanks.The new supply of library books has certainly helped....for the time being. Karen.