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CarolJ

Parents beating themselves up!

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One of the things I see repeated on this message board is ?I am having a bad day? ? ?I cant take any more? ? ?what I am doing wrong? ? I would just like to give people my experince of how my moods and ability to cope have a direct impact on my childrens behaviours.

 

When I am having a bad day PMT, worrying about something non-ASD related, I can guarantee my little Angels especially my DS will give me a hard time. I have noticed over the years that if I am feeling helpless unable to deal with things - life is too much - I just want to give up - his behavior worsens and it in turn makes me feel worse ? it?s a cycle which is hard to break it can sometimes escalate to the point where I start to blame his being autistic for all my problems and almost hating him and then hating myself for feeling like that towards my own child. Its easy to take my frustrations out on him and his sister because I resent their demands on me. Hey folks I am not a bad mother I love my kids but I am being honest here. It took me a long time to see that my moods triggered behaviors in my kids.

 

I think about it from their point of view.

 

Autistic kids need stability and routine to thrive. If I am upset about something I tend to change what I do in order to deal with whatever it is needs my attention. This means that things change and I start to feel stressed and angry and tired because other things I needed to do have been left. I feel as if there isn?t enough of me to go round. It all gets too much. I can start to show emotion cry and this has a very negative effect on my kids. They see you are struggling to cope and you are weak they in turn become frightened and insecure especially when I voice things like ?I cant take this no more?, children need a stable homelife in order to thrive. When you are showing your child you are struggling to cope or are upset you are scaring them. They become insecure and then try to do things (sometimes bad behaviour) to get your attention all kids hate being ignored. Its almost like they are saying to you ?Hey mum what about me?? ?you are scaring me??

 

I am not saying its not okay to show emotion in front of your kids but if I am upset or angry I explain to my kids that its nothing to do this them that mummy has her weepy time or that something else has upset me and that I still love them and its not their fault I am upset. My non verbal son I just give him hugs and try to take as much notice as possible to reassure him.

 

When we are down in the dumps it?s difficult to think about anything except how we feel. But please if your kids react the same way as mine do, try to stop and think about how your behaviour as a parent can affect their behaviour.

 

Noone is perfect ? kids don?t come with instructional manuals, and kids with ASDs are a law unto themselves. Nothing will have prepared you to deal with that, and all the extra things that parents like ourselves have to deal with can overwhelm us. The system has a lot of answer for in my view!!

The amount of fighting and energy it takes to get even the basic services ie a suitable school place ? can leave parents drained and takes away the energy we need to deal with our kids.

 

I often stop and think to myself ?How would I react if that (insert who or what is causing the problem) came into my home and upset my child?? I would be very angry. By allowing yourself to get upset about outside influences your child WILL BE UPSET! So effectively it has done just that. I get angry and think YOU WILL NOT UPSET MY CHILD!

 

This helps me target my anger and energy where it should be and I certainly don?t turn it around and blame myself?

 

Sorry if I sound like I am stating the obvious here but this is how things have happened for me? everyone is different.

 

The key to making an child happy is "confidence" and know that they are loved. Even when DS has been doing his finger painting over the curtains! >:D<<'>

 

Take care all

Edited by CarolJ

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Hi carol ...

 

I think you raise some interesting and valid points, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how you've expressed them - despite your assertion to the contrary you do seem to be 'blaming' parents in some ways...

 

When I am having a bad day PMT, worrying about something on-ASD related, I can guarantee my little Angels especially my DS will give me a hard time...

 

Autistic kids need stability and routine to thrive.

 

I don't know whether you were being 'arch' so if you were please forgive me, but your children aren't 'little angels' - they are kids. And while there may be some additional complications they react & respond to the same imperatives that other kids do. Yes that includes them responding to you 'having a bad day' but that is not exclusive to autistic children and parents of autistic children are not exempt (may actually have more) from the stresses and strains that create 'bad-days'... i don't think they deserve an extra helping of guilt because they happen to have autistic rather than NT children...

 

ALL children need stability and routine to thrive. While there may be some additional complications they react & respond to the same imperatives that other kids do. Parent's of autistic children are not exempt from the pressures that can undermine that stability and routines... i don't think they deserve an extra helping of guilt because they happen to have autistic rather than NT children...

 

I think the advice you give is 'sound' on many levels, but you make far too big an issue of 'difference'... As parents, we rally against those who try to see our children as something 'other', and many of us rally with equal determination against the damaging perception that 'special parents get given special children'... In fact, it's exactly those kinds of judgements that make 'us' (special parents) feel extra-guilty for failing 'them' (our special kids) over perfectly normal and understandable human reactions to perfectly normal and understandable human stresses....

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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I think you raise some interesting and valid points, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how you've expressed them - despite your assertion to the contrary you do seem to be 'blaming' parents in some ways...

 

BD parents are the adults - therefore I know as a parent that my ability to cope and moods directly affect my kids. I am letting people know this. What I am trying to do is to ask people to think objectively about why their kids seem to act up when they are having a bad day. Step back from the situation and think about how the kids must feel? Look at the bigger picture?

 

As adults we are are supposed to be grown up and take responsibility for our actions. Trust me I can knock spots off my kids when it comes to having a tantrum!

 

My kids are not "little angels" I was being facetious.

 

Yes All kids are effected by how their parents are able to cope. But since its a well known fact that ASD kids in particular need routine in order to thrive I can safely assume that a parent going off the rails about something thats outside the childs influence can be even more upsetting to a child on the spectrum?

 

Yes that includes them responding to you 'having a bad day' but that is not exclusive to autistic children and parents of autistic children are not exempt (may actually have more) from the stresses and strains that create 'bad-days'... i don't think they deserve an extra helping of guilt because they happen to have autistic rather than NT children...

 

BD I am not blaming parents or giving them more guilt complexes, surely you can see the same sentiments repeated over and over again on this forum from parents - You can see the struggle that many have and I have spoken about this before. My post is actually designed to help parents give them encouragement not criticise them? It seems you have taken this as a criticism :tearful: and yes as parents of ASD kids we do actally have more to deal with on a day to day basis as I said in my post originally ie fighting for approriate school placements.

 

I think the advice you give is 'sound' on many levels, but you make far too big an issue of 'difference'... As parents, we rally against those who try to see our children as something 'other', and many of us rally with equal determination against the damaging perception that 'special parents get given special children'... In fact, it's exactly those kinds of judgements that make 'us' (special parents) feel extra-guilty for failing 'them' (our special kids) over perfectly normal and understandable human reactions to perfectly normal and understandable human stresses....

 

BD for my DS especially the "differences" are acute so yes they are big. If you are in fact intimating that I cant give my personal experiences and by saying that I have struggled as an NT to understand my kids autism because it has made a big difference in our lives. Because if my son was like any other kid he would have a few good friends and a lot more freedom than he currently has. He would be able to talk for starters.

 

So are you are saying its okay for me to post as long as I dont try to make out that any of the extra things I have had to deal with are due to having kids with ASDs and actually making it sound as if I am blaming my kids for everything that goes wrong?

 

Since i have returned to this board you seem be taking issue with a lot of what I say? Is it that you think I lack enough understanding of ASD? Perhaps I should just shut up in the future?

 

Take care BD (I do respect your views but I dont think you respect mine, even though they based on honesty)

 

Hugs to Ben >:D<<'>

Edited by CarolJ

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I think it's getting the balance right that works. We are not robots or stepford parents, so it is doing nobody any favours if we try to hide the whole range of human emotion from our kids. I think it does all kids good for us to show our selfish side from time to time(by selfish I mean that showing them that WE are human too). For eg, if Bill raises his voice I do not tolerate it; I'll tell him straight 'hey buster you don't like being shouted at and neither do I'.. I won't listen to anything he says if he's shouting ... same with the younger DS... DD has never raised her voice since she was two but same would apply to her if she did. Also, if something has upset me I tell them so... 'I'm upset, I might not be as lively/cheeful as I normally am... but bear with me and I'll get over it'.... similarly 'I'm tired, so no I won't be your slave (I swear that my youngest sometimes thinks he was born with a silver spoon and that I'm his personal maid'. I've taught them all to make me a cup of tea and sometimes after a meal I'll put my feet up and send one of them in to the kitchen to make me a cuppa. It's all about learning to get along properly as human beings.

 

However, none of my kids are severely autistic, although it could be said that Bill is at present severely affected by his AS but I don't believe that that's the same thing; so I can't imagine what it would be like dealing with day to day emotions, going through the obligitory fights we all seem to have to go through to access services etc, being tired and stressed, and also trying explain that to a non-verbal child with severe autism, it must be horrendously difficult to navigate.

 

Flora

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Hi all/carol -

 

Well a couple of things i'm definitely not saying - is that it's 'okay to post as long as...' or that you 'can't give your personal experiences'... not quite sure why you would feel that(?)

 

There's nothing specific to your posts that I take issue with, and even if i did my opinions are just mine, and people can take them or leave them as they chose... I'm just responding to your posts in the same way I respond to others with my point of view...

 

I'm pushed for time right now so can't answer more fully, but I'm really sorry you think there's anything personal about this and can assure you that there isn't.

 

I'll come back to you later when I have more time, but if it's okay I'd rather do that via responses to your PM's as it seems inappropriate to do so on the forum given some of the personal content and feelings expressed.

 

Coming back to this particular post, the points i felt uncomfortable with were all addressed in my original response, and in a nutshell what I was trying to say was that parents beat themselves up enough about how much they get it 'wrong', and your post sounded a bit like a seven step plan to getting it right... the last thing i would want to hear if I'd had one of those 'bad days' would be someone saying (to quote Harry Enfield) 'you didn't want to be doing it like that you should be doing it like this'. :lol:

 

Anyways, sorry for any offence caused, and i will get back to you when I have more time

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Nothing wrong with expressing a strongly held opinion...

 

But it's got to be equally OK for others to disagree.

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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Just looking at things from a slightly different angle, I think somedays when we are feeling ill, rundown, headache etc.. our kids are not setting out to annoy us because they sense our problem, but more the case of when we are down we are less able to handle it all, ie.. if my son is shouting at the top of his voice, most days it goes right over my head, 'but' if I have say a headache and he is shouting at the top of his voice I cannot obviously stand it..! but he is not doing it because he has picked up on my headache and is trying to make it worse, he is just doing the things he always does and it is 'me' that is the one reacting differently. So whilst I do agree that routine etc.. is vital and the consistency must be kept up, it isn't always possible, I think it's asking the impossible.. :unsure:

 

Did any of that make sense.. :unsure:

 

Brook

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Maybe I should be clearer about what I am saying in future.

 

I am attempting to share my experiences. I agree on days when you feel down or have a headache its more difficult to cope with "normal" behaviours.

 

But in "my" experience how I behave reflects directly on how my kids behave? This isnt about blaming the parents. Its about how our behaviour can affect others. In my experience meltdowns more often than not have triggers. I am saying that sometimes when life gets me down it "can" trigger behaviours in my kids.

 

I am not just speaking of myself I have seen this in other parents where they are so busy worrying about their problems they can forget that their kids have feelings and can be affected too - especially in family breakups/divorces/splits. This is why its important to let the kids know that its not because of them or their autism but because XYZ has happened.

 

I am not the perfect parent ye gods! But I have learned from mistakes I made in the past. I now try to look at the bigger picture and my family as a unit. We all get good days and bad days we are human.

 

I am certainly not trying to tell people how to parent their kids. We get enough of that from plenty of professional bods (blame the parent mentality) and yes I too have been accused of causing my sons behaviours and had to fight to show that in fact it wasnt my rubbish parenting that it was part of how he dealt with situations in fact things got so bad SS were threatening me with a care order for him and I had to turn the whole situation around or risk losing him. I nieavely put my trust and faith into a system that then used my vulnerability against me saying I wasnt strong enough to parent my son because of his autism. I know of parents who are blamed for their childrens behavours some who have had their kids taken away from them.

 

It wasnt a step by step plan on how to be the perfect parent it was my experience of when things got really tough and we had a lot of uncertainty in our lives that my kids behaviours got worse because I was struggling to hold it together and deal with everything that came along.

 

I was just trying to share my experiences of how its easy to get caught in a cycle of feeling negative and how it can impact on our kids.

 

I was trying to share my experiences in order to help others? I know I can get a bit mouthy sometimes and I do have a dark sense of humour. Perhaps I am too blunt or negative sometimes but I speak from experience.

 

I have looked at the way some seemed to cope so admirably well with what happens to their famlies and although I know people just want to give support, it did kinda reinforce the fact that I felt like a sub-standard parent thinking why cant I cope with things like others? I guess by originally posting this topic I was trying to say look its okay we all make mistakes as long as we learn from them.

 

Perhaps I just need to soften things up a bit?

 

or I should add a disclaimer to my signature

 

in the unlikely event that this post bears any resembalance to anyone alive or semi conscious, its just a coincidence and is not meant to cause offence!

 

errr that was a joke :unsure:

Edited by CarolJ

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Identify a lot with what Carol has said, though from the other side. My own mother continues to believe nothing she does will affect me and that if I'm unable to meet some demand or answer a question, it has nothing to do with her behaviour. I don't see how pointing out this catalyst for misery equates to 'blame'. Blame is only a factor when a person should have known better; in the case of parents continually learning how to be parents, they can not be blamed for mistakes. Though with my mum there is plenty of blame to go around: she has had a psychologist with her and explain absolutely everything that can be explained in an afternoon and she hasn't heeded any of it. I don't see any parents here matching this incredible feat of denial and self-indulgence by even a fraction.

 

As a result of her selective listening, my mum believes it's not her behaviour but her very presence that causes me problems, so she never stops trying to get me to move out into an enviroment where she should already know I can't live without support, thus adding even further to the issues I have.

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Identify a lot with what Carol has said, though from the other side. My own mother continues to believe nothing she does will affect me and that if I'm unable to meet some demand or answer a question, it has nothing to do with her behaviour. I don't see how pointing out this catalyst for misery equates to 'blame'. Blame is only a factor when a person should have known better; in the case of parents continually learning how to be parents, they can not be blamed for mistakes. Though with my mum there is plenty of blame to go around: she has had a psychologist with her and explain absolutely everything that can be explained in an afternoon and she hasn't heeded any of it. I don't see any parents here matching this incredible feat of denial and self-indulgence by even a fraction.

 

As a result of her selective listening, my mum believes it's not her behaviour but her very presence that causes me problems, so she never stops trying to get me to move out into an enviroment where she should already know I can't live without support, thus adding even further to the issues I have.

 

Lucas thank you I noticed that my behaviours did indeed impact on my kids and I was honest enough with myself to admit this and do something about it. I was just attempting to share my experiences with others.

 

I have observed parents of both NT and ASD kids going about their business and oblivious that what they do directly affects how their kids feel about the world and themselves as people.

 

There are some who dont like to take responsibility for the impact their actions have on those they are supposed to care about and love.

 

I would never say i am perfect parent in fact I am far from it but I try to look at things from the point of my sprogs not just throw my hands up in the air and say its not my fault!

 

As a parent my duty is to protect my children as much as possible from the stresses of every day life and yes there are certain things you cannot protect your kids from. I admit at times I resented my kids for the demands they placed upon me which were sometimes made worse by their having ASDs and unable to cope because of them being unable to make sense of what was going on. I think the one who suffered the most was my non-verbal son. At least if you have language you can express how you feel to a certain extent. I couldnt imagine how hard it must have been or is for him not even being able to share his thoughts or feelings with anyone else. How alone and scared he must feel sometimes.

 

I repeatedly see parents posting about how unhappy they are and how DS or DD is making things worse. I hardly ever see anyone put down how their kids must feel?

 

I am just saying look at it from a childs point of view NT or ASD = families can only exist as a unit and we accept that we need to consider each other.

 

In my sons school (autistic school) there are alot of kids in the care system because their parents gave up! Its heartbreaking. There but for the grace of god could be my DS it came so close to happening its scarey.

 

Lucas I am sorry that your mum seems to deny that her actions past and present have any bearing on you because that denial can be more hurtful than the actions she did or failed to do. Perhaps she thinks shes doing the right thing? I dont know I dont know her like you do. I found one of the biggest barriers to understnding my kids was the communication problems. But its possible to overcome this. Even with a non-verbal child.

 

Its not about beating yourself with parental guilt its about being strong enough to be objective and realise that as a parent just about everything we do affects our kids = well in my experience it certainly appeared to :rolleyes:

 

I hope you will be able to communicate with your mum somehow. Sometimes even if you live in the same house you dont really know the person you live with and there can be a lot of resentmennt and anger - this applies to all relationships not just parents and kids.

 

I just found out its better to be open about how you feel as the resentment simmering away can build and lead to an explosion caused by something stupid which is normally out of all proportion. now i deal with things as I go along. :dance:

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I repeatedly see parents posting about how unhappy they are and how DS or DD is making things worse. I hardly ever see anyone put down how their kids must feel?

 

I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with this comment :(

 

Parents here repeatedly post about their anguish at their children's distress.

 

You have every right to post about your experiences, but I feel you are making some really quite sweeping statements about other parents :(

 

Bid :(

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I am certainly not trying to tell people how to parent their kids.

 

I'm sure you don't mean it, but for me, this is how you are coming across :(

 

 

I have looked at the way some seemed to cope so admirably well with what happens to their famlies and although I know people just want to give support, it did kinda reinforce the fact that I felt like a sub-standard parent thinking why cant I cope with things like others?

 

Again, sorry, but for me, I think you might be in danger of making others feel like this yourself :(

 

Bid :(

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I think that most of the parents here are doing everything that you advocate, Carol, and more. I don't think any parent here needs lessons in selflessness. Continually monitoring how our children think and feel, and interpreting their behaviour for the benefit of the less enlightened people they come into contact with, is a full time job for parents. I disagree that parents don't talk about their children's feelings - look at the Education section. Most parents have a pretty good idea of how their child is affected at school, and if they don't, they're trying their hardest to find out, which is partly why they're here.

 

But as you yourself said, parents are only human.

 

We need a place to offload and be listened to. This forum is a safety valve - a private place to offload the iffy feelings that build up, precisely so that they don't affect our children in the negative way you describe. We can take it as read that we're all dedicated self sacrificing parents doing a brilliant job. But we crack sometimes and the system, as you acknowledge, contributeds to the pressure. If parents can't come here and express honestly how they feel, where are they supposed to go? Heaven forbid any parent should feel guilty for coming here and saying I've had a ###### day.

 

K x

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Guest Lya of the Nox

well my dd knows that when she has a moment that it wears me out

 

and she posts on here too and is fully aware of the struggles we go through as parents

that does not make me a bad parent, cos i know i am a ###### good parent!!!! it makes me human, and at the end of the day they have to see some consequences

x

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In my sons school (autistic school) there are alot of kids in the care system because their parents gave up! Its heartbreaking.

carol how do you know the parents just gave up?do you know the exact circumstances of the children who are in the care system?

Edited by hev

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I repeatedly see parents posting about how unhappy they are and how DS or DD is making things worse. I hardly ever see anyone put down how their kids must feel?

carol if you see a lot of my posts the heading will be ive had enough!!or another one will read ive had a **** day!!!you will also see i do a lot of positive posts so if you see one where ive had a rubbish day do you think that im not taking stevens feelings into consideration?or i do not care how he is feeling?

that is how your post comes across to me,i never normally get in to these sort of discussions because what i want to say never comes across the way i want it to,i also understand that obviously you are in no way directing the comments to me but your post made me feel pretty awful,you say its about being strong enough to be objective and realise that everything we do affects our kids,lucky you that you are strong enough to be objective,im not strong enough some days,obviously it goes without saying i love steven but if i lose my temper sometimes does that make me a bad parent who doesnt care about him?

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Okay

 

This post was never about judging others or expressing opinions on others - it was about "my" "experiences" and the way what I did affected my kids and I have seen this first hand in others not on this forum.

 

Obviously I failed to make it clear that this was about my personal experienes because everyone seems to taking it as an is an attack on other parents?

 

Once more I would like to say I was attempting to tell people about what "I" went through and it did have an affect on my kids.

 

Yes bid I did put down about parents posting about how they felt, perhaps the way it was worded didnt come across right it certainly wasnt an attack on other parents - I was attempting highlight examples of how we act as parents and that it has a direct impact on our kids - using it as an example someone saying I am having a tough time with blah blah blah and then saying finding it difficult to cope with my kids.

 

I put down about my own experiences and myself and others say I dont agree I take issue with.... ?

 

Correct me if i am wrong but how can someone not agree with you about your personal expriences? I was never asking for you to agree or disagree I was merely sharing my experiences and these were certainly not opinons about other parents.

 

Its like saying to someone I dont agree with the thoughts and feelings you had because I didnt experience things the way you did?

 

If someone would care to explain exactly where I say this is about others then please feel free to point it out?

Edited by CarolJ

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Sorry Carol,

I wasn't going to get involved with this but I think the whole idea of a forum is that if you post something up, it results in a discussion, thats why forums are so great because you can get so many diffrent peoples perspectives and opinions.

I do feel that if you post you have to be open to other people commenting on your post!

Edited by allie

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Perhaps it wasn't the impression that you wanted to create, but then I don't know you at all. I feel as if you have arrived with a spectacular entrance, and then got out your megaphone and stepped up on your soapbox.

I disliked being harangued, and I can't remember how many other forums you said had felt that you and they were not suited, but I'm doing my best with what I have and the circumstances that I have to deal with.

Sometimes B and I have rough spots, sometimes I fail to meet the need of both of my children.

Having someone go all evangelical on me isn't helpful.

So I'm feeling cross and grumpy, which is not what I need at this time of day, and I'm leaving this particular discussion alone.

Want some of my hot chocolate Hev >:D<<'> ?

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carol how do you know the parents just gave up?do you know the exact circumstances of the children who are in the care system?

 

 

 

I was told by a professional that some of the parents of these kids had indeed stopped contact and I was told that in relationship with a decision I was making about my famly. It was used as an example to give an opinion on what I was proposing to do. I know as well as anyone the reasons why any parent can be pushed into making decisions to put a child into care.

 

What part of "my" experiences equates to this is about anyone other than me?

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Hi all -

 

I think this thread is in danger of spiraling out of control, so reluctantly i'm gonna lock it for now so we can all have some breathing space...

 

L&P

 

BD

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