discipline

[lisa35]

Just had a bit of a wake up call, we have let things slide and we re really not doing our son, or ourselves any favours

He demands our attention 24/7 and as another mum just noted he plays on fact Im scared of his behaviour

I need to get my gumption back, and I dont know how, and know its easier to do nothing

But this cant continue, despite his difficulties he still has to be disciplined

The sorts of things he does are call me names when we re with people, such as fatty/stupid, and just pushes and pushes it

Any tips?

Thanks

Lisa

[rainbow queen]

hi lisa <'>

 

what age is your son?

my son is 7 in june and i always used the naughty step and timer but -this no longer works ,but it used too-it worked very well but now he will not sit on it and runs off....but i used it from about age 3 up till well id say last year.

 

i have a visual board and traffic light cards,also taking away pc time or nintendo.

i have to say i cant really give much advice as me and my son are going through a difficult time ourselfs .

<'>

[bid]

Every so often we used to realise we'd let things slide...it's a b*mmer, isn't it <'>

 

For starters, how about a rule that if he calls you names in public, you go straight home, no matter where you are...and really stick to it!

 

Plus: posters with a few ground rules all round the house as visual reminders (e.g. 'no hitting', 'no name-calling', etc).

 

Good luck <'>

 

Boho

[rainbow queen]

having just read your other thread lisa -please excuse my naughty step-as your son is alot older .

 

its very tiring and hard not to give in...........i myself have found myself giving in to my sons demands-and things got worse in a matter of days as he kept on pushing.....and relised that id given in one time.....so he tryed some more....

 

at the moment weekends are really bad for us as nothing seems to make him happy anymore and he will carry things on for hours trying to see if i cave in.......totally draining

sorry im not much help xxx

[lisa35]

Thanks! Sounds similar to what we ve done before, i just kinda thought things were better and stopped...doh.....

So, Ive made visual poster:

1. wait to speak when adults are talking

2. no name calling

3. Do not interrupt

 

and consequences-

1st warning -ten mins in room

2nd- loose 50p spends

3rd-loose laptop/nintendo/etc for as long as we say

 

What a fool I am for thinking things were better, just hes had such a hard time leatley- but in long run- its no use to be like this

Thanks

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I strongly believe it's a case of picking and choosing your battles - consistency is important too. If I dished out a consequence of my son calling me names, then he'd never get his Wii or DVDs back!

 

I think I was a bit like you. I used to simply just ignore R when he kicked off or stepped out of line. That was all well and good, but there's some things you can't ignore and that's what scuppered me.

 

I must confess to having tried a time out chair/step and frankly it's never worked for us purely because I don't believe my son is able to control his emotions - in my book the idea of taking time out is to calm down. I've found by giving my 6 year old two warnings (just so there's no mistaking what's what) about eg throwing things, shouting, hitting/kicking/lashing out, etc and then if he continues, he loses his favourite DVDs or playstation game (basically whatever it is that he's really into at that time) for a full day. Of course, all hell breaks loose intially, but I have noticed that more often than not now warnings are often more than enough to nip the bad behaviour in the bud. I've found that now he actually knows I will carry out what I say I will do, he's more responsive to my requests to stop whatever it is he's up to. It's not a miracle, but it works.

 

Ignoring is also a good tactic for us for things like namecalling, etc. R will try to push buttons by eg standing in front of tv, etc - and that's fine because I refuse to give him direct eye contact or talk to him until he stops what he's doing. More often than not praising the good behaviour and giving small rewards or giving R choices eg something as simple as letting him decide what's for dinner or allowing him to bring a friend to the cinema.

 

R has on numerous occasions threatened to run off, refused to move when we're out, shouted and screamed at me in public, told people I regularly hit him, deliberately walked behind reversing cards, wrapped shoelaces around his neck - you name it, he's tried it. These things are all incredibly difficult, particularly if you're not at home. Main thing is to try and keep calm, shut everyone else out (forget they're there - your child is your priority), avoid getting into a debate or resorting to bribery (eg if you stop now, I'll give you .... - easy at the time/much more difficult long-term). Much better to eg get back to familiar territority eg car/home if possible. I really think R sensed I was fearful of dealing with those types of situations and actually gained the upper hand because he knew if was more difficult to do anything. However, that has kind of changed - I found by employing same consequences once home that he's generally better behaved when we're out.

 

Another suggestion is to use reward charts or perhaps give out pocket money on a daily basis and then at the end of the week let them choose a toy. I was never to take away anything that was earnt eg sticker on chart or money. Also with those types of incentives, it needs to be manageable (and not too many) and clearly defined as to what it is that's expected of the child eg no swearing, hitting/kicking, throwing things.

 

Again, all these strategies don't work overnight. I found things got worse to be honest, but then once R realised I meant business things changed for the better.

 

I'm no expert - I still have problems with R's behaviour, but by showing him consistency and that I meant business (that I'm the boss/not him) has helped.

 

It's really difficult and any new strategies you employ will no doubt make things worse intially, but hang in there!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

Edited February 23, 2008 by cmuir

[lisa35]

THANKS!!!

Im meaning business, we ve managed it before, will again, what loons we were to think we could let it all slide! iF we dont sort things Im going to have a son that s bigger than me dictating

Not good

Lisa xx

[cmuir]

Yup, know what you mean. My 6 year old is 4 foot 8 (he towers above the rest of his classmates) - I'm 5 foot 4, so he's not far off me. He's going to be a big lad as my hubby is 6 foot 2 (his brother is 6 foot 7 and his mum is 5 foot 11 - so it's kinda obvious he's going to be a big lad. He's difficult to handle, especially when he used to frequently lash out at me. R often tries to dictate and tries to push buttons on a daily basis. It's not easy, but hang in there!

 

Age and maturity is another issue. I do believe that in some ways R has made progress in certain areas. I'm more able to reason with him - the time when he said he was going to bomb the local chinese takeway springs to mind - it was just after an attempted bombing at Glasgow airport last year. I'd take R to pickup a takeway and because they didn't have any calendars left (last time we were there was Christmas time and he got a calendar!) he kicked off. I explained to him that if he bombed the chiense then they're would be no chippies, curry sauce and fried rice!!! R relented/wasn't happy, but at least stop shouting about bombing the place . Bloke behind me thought we were nutters!