Jump to content
fiorelli

How do you discipline a child who won't be disciplined?

Recommended Posts

Sorry, having a very tough week with L, so have a few questions.

 

How do you discipline a child who won't be disciplined?

 

How do you go about telling a child 'no' when they fly off the handle at anything that remotely sounds like it's going to be a negative response to something they have said/done/asked?

 

How do you get a child to stop focusing on the bad and start looking towards the good?

 

How do you stop a child calling his parents B***h, B******d, F***er, W***er etc etc etc...... when he has been told to call them this constantly by his absent parent and that side of the family?

 

answers on a postcard please!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
How do you discipline a child who won't be disciplined?

 

The same way you discipine a child who will be disciplined: consistently, calmly, and with appropriate and enforced sanctions to define the boundaries. A child who will be disciplined is a child who won't be disciplined, disciplined

 

How do you go about telling a child 'no' when they fly off the handle at anything that remotely sounds like it's going to be a negative response to something they have said/done/asked?

 

You tell them no, and then respond to the flying off the handle as above.

 

How do you get a child to stop focusing on the bad and start looking towards the good?

By making the good interesting, rewarding and 'good' and the bad uninteresting, unrewarding and 'bad'.

 

How do you stop a child calling his parents B***h, B******d, F***er, W***er etc etc etc...... when he has been told to call them this constantly by his absent parent and that side of the family?

 

Sorry, i can't help with that one. (well, I don't think my reply would meet with general approval anyway! :lol::whistle: )I'm a bit confused about how the absent parent can constantly tell him to do so? If you mean a 'part time parent' then perhaps he/she should be made an absent parent, but having said that it does beg the question how they can be so influential in the childs behaviours when there are better and more constant role models around? He's responding to one set of 'expectations' just the wrong set of expectations, so the problem seems to be more one of differentiating and identifying the 'good/bad' expectations rather than any failure to perceive expectations at all, IYSWIM.

 

 

Hope none of the above sounds 'glib' - I'm a bit pushed for time.

Really hope you can find some answers (mine or anyone elses if they seem more appropiate!)

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

we had a real bad problem with swearing and in the end we totally ignored it everytime he said it , we totally ignored him carried on with wat we were doin and it just stopped!!!

 

love donnaxxx

it was hard at time especially wen we were out but i just ignored it totalllyxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry, having a very tough week with L, so have a few questions.

 

How do you discipline a child who won't be disciplined?

The same way you discipine a child who will be disciplined: consistently, calmly, and with appropriate and enforced sanctions to define the boundaries. A child who will be disciplined is a child who won't be disciplined, disciplined

How do you go about telling a child 'no' when they fly off the handle at anything that remotely sounds like it's going to be a negative response to something they have said/done/asked?

You tell them no, and then respond to the flying off the handle as above.

How do you get a child to stop focusing on the bad and start looking towards the good?

By making the good interesting, rewarding and 'good' and the bad uninteresting, unrewarding and 'bad'.

How do you stop a child calling his parents B***h, B******d, F***er, W***er etc etc etc...... when he has been told to call them this constantly by his absent parent and that side of the family?

Sorry, i can't help with that one. (well, I don't think my reply would meet with general approval anyway! :lol::whistle: )I'm a bit confused about how the absent parent can constantly tell him to do so? If you mean a 'part time parent' then perhaps he/she should be made an absent parent, but having said that it does beg the question how they can be so influential in the childs behaviours when there are better and more constant role models around? He's responding to one set of 'expectations' just the wrong set of expectations, so the problem seems to be more one of differentiating and identifying the 'good/bad' expectations rather than any failure to perceive expectations at all, IYSWIM.

answers on a postcard please!

Hope none of the above sounds 'glib' - I'm a bit pushed for time.

Really hope you can find some answers (mine or anyone elses if they seem more appropiate!)

 

:D

 

Good answers, confusing layout. I couldn't resist re-doing it :lol: :lol: ;):P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Good answers, confusing layout. I couldn't resist re-doing it :lol::lol:;):P

 

Some would say that was quite 'anal' - but not here on an autism forum! :thumbs::lol:

 

thanks, shnoing :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dont know if this will help but L doesnt like the word no infact he doesnt like anything at the moment so we have been told to try a reward system were by you can use a visual aid like putting coloured marbels or counters in a jar then they get a reward. or using a chart and letting them put the sticker on. you might have already tried this put it might be worth a go

sorry cant think of anything else at the moment

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do sympathise with but understand what you are going through, my son who is 19 now and is at the severe end of the spectrum, certainly pushed the boundaries. We had a system in place where my wife would tell him off, if that did no good then i would intervene, then if need be I would raise my voice and put my hand up as if to tap him on it , and if all else fails then he would get a tap on the hand. This was our protocol over the years but it did indeed change, the smacking element was no good as my son does not have any pain threshold and would do something naughty and then put his hand out to be tapped, it was like he liked it for some reason. It was very rare that we smacked him anyway, usually he stopped when I intervened, it seemed he reacted to a male voice more correctly and that is more the case, which is a bit distressful for the wife if I am around.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I do sympathise with but understand what you are going through, my son who is 19 now and is at the severe end of the spectrum, certainly pushed the boundaries. We had a system in place where my wife would tell him off, if that did no good then i would intervene, then if need be I would raise my voice and put my hand up as if to tap him on it , and if all else fails then he would get a tap on the hand. This was our protocol over the years but it did indeed change, the smacking element was no good as my son does not have any pain threshold and would do something naughty and then put his hand out to be tapped, it was like he liked it for some reason. It was very rare that we smacked him anyway, usually he stopped when I intervened, it seemed he reacted to a male voice more correctly and that is more the case, which is a bit distressful for the wife if I am around.

 

Hi paul/all - without wishing to tread on any personal toes, I'd like to make a general observation on the above that bothers me...

What you're describing above seems more to relate to the child's expectation regarding the consequences of the intervention than it does the intervention itself. Having a system where you intervene if he doesn't respond to your wife implies a completely different set of potential consequences depending on the parent responding to the 'alarm'. There's no consistency whatsoever, apart from the expectation that when dad gets involved it means things have got serious! Under those circumstances it's unsurprising that mum's 'warnings' aren't heeded, because they amount to little more than the 'one and two' in a 'one, two, three consequence' programme.

Other members have described the reverse situation where mum is the figure that is 'taken seriously', because she is the one that actually delivers on the consequence. It has nothing to do with the male/female role, or the tone of voice, or physical intimidation (although those things can be part of it) it's just the fact that the child has different perceptions and expectations regarding the implied sanctions.

For a sanction to work for both parents it has to be applied consistently by both parents. That applies not only to the intervention itself but the way in which they follow up after the intervention: If dad remains 'stern' and unyielding, while mum soothes and apologises (or visa versa) one is possibly rewarding or undermining the intervention while the other is reinforcing it (and which is which may be less obvious than you'd think - i.e. the smack on the wrist!).

I really, really worry about gender specific 'roles' for all sorts of reasons. While some might casually dismiss that as a personal sensitivity because of my 'single dad' status, I hope the 'logic' of the above isn't undermined as a consequence! :lol::whistle:

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there.....horrible situation for you here......as far as the Absent parent is concerned....well, in any situation when dealing with all children from divorced/parted parents..if he or she is having such a bad influential impact on the child..ie..telling them to verbally abuse/swear etc...then you have rights to put that parent on Leave..permanently until they change their attitude....or arrange for your child to meet with that parent at a family centre etc..anywhere public so that they can not teach such heinous things to this child of yours.It is hard on the discipline front anyway these days...cos everthing has got so politically correct....and we are all supposed to follow the same set of rules...but not all children are the same eh? As far as i see it.....praise the good,praise the child for acceptable behaviour and re inforce rules and penalties for bad behaviour...always letting them know and reminding them of consequences for good and bad behaviour.....i agree with bd and the need for unity,consistency and strength of character to pull it off as far as the discipline of kids goes....best of luck eh...we all need it!!!maria x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all for replying to this, and I apologise for not replying sooner, but I hope you can all understand why I have not been able to.

 

Things seem to have calmed down a shade or 2 over the course of the week. It seems very much like he was just testing our boundaries and getting accustomed to being with us again.

 

We still have concentrated moments where all hell seems to break loose. We have discovered over the week that shouting above him, getting angry, adn threatening various things - however much we may have wanted to do it - during these moments have been absolutely useless, and have served no purpose other than to raise our blood pressure and escalate things way beyond our control.

 

We have found a way that works for us is to isolate him during these times, and to remain calm (whilst quietly seething/crying inside/getting angry etc.), not respond to any of his swearing/threats etc. We do make it known loud and clear straight away if he so much as even goes to hurt anyone, and a consequence is given.

 

We also make sure that my husband and I back each other up. If one says something, then we both follow through. Most of all we make sure we talk, honestly and openly - both to each other and to Louis. We make it known when he is calm that what he has done is not acceptable. We discuss ways that he can try and manage his anger and frustration.

 

Swearing is still a problem, but less so, and more when he is due his meds.

 

Louis has spent the last 15minutes playing a game on the playstation - with my husband! I can't remember the last time they have done something like that!

 

I don't profess to know everything - or even anything! However, I know the way that we are doing things at the moment seem to be working (touch wood!) for us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...