Help! Relationship with school at rock bottom.

[jan]

Can anyone give us some advice on how to handle a meeting with a control freak headteacher?

Our son is 10 and has AS and was life fairly setteled until we moved to a new area and he had to start a new school. This was 18 months ago. Until then school had been fairly easy going, he had no statement and not much chance of getting one. The new school was carefully chosen, small, good reputation and good results with Special needs children. It's a mainstream school in a rural setting. But things have gone from bad to worse. We knew the move would not be easy, but no way were we prepared for the fallout that it caused. School seemed to be very supportive initially, but his behaviour deteriorated very quickly, he became violent especially at home. Very quickly school decided to apply for a statement and with no fuss at all this was awarded. Our relationshilp with school was good, but due to lots of disagreements over the way they have handled our son and when the head told us that he was a gang leader and would end up a drug abuser, things took a downward spiral! He is now out at lunchtime because school can't cope with his behaviour, sits outside the calssroom with an LSAto work because he disrupts the class and comes home Wednesday and Thursday afternoons because he cannot be trusted in PE. Everywhere, apart from school is behaviour is under control.

We now have a review meeting to discuss his progress, he is due to transfer to secondary school in September. The meeting was resheduled by school because the EDpysch could not attend. I found out on Friday that the Behavioural support lady and the representative from the secondary school cannot attend the new meeting. When I challanged the head on this she told me the meeting would not be rearranged, I suggested that we may not attend if all the professionals involved were not there. I was told the meeting would go ahead without us. We are banging our heads against a brick wall with this head, she controls every aspect of our sons day and as a result his self esteem has taken a real bashing. She has told us to forget his Aspergers and consentrate on his behaviour, if only life was that simple We even had to employ private tutors to keep him up to speed with schoolwork as he was falling so far behind at school.(He works really well with these ladies and has come on in leaps and bounds).

Any advice on how to deal with this meeting would be greatfully receiced as I am dreading it! She knows how to say all the right things and make it seem as if she has done everything she can.

Sorry this is such a long post and my first, but it is a very complicated situation. But the best help and support comes from people who have been there! Thanks

[Jericho]

If he has to leave school early on certain days and spend so much time away from his peers then I'm not sure how they can call this inclusion. I'm no expert but I thought that if a child was sent home like this then it counted as an exclusion? If so then the Head is treading on very dangerous ground. Is he getting the help set out on his statement?

 

The comments made by the Head are inexcusable. How dare he predict that a 10yr-old boy (with our without an ASD) will be a drug dealer!

 

I have no experience of this but hopefully others on the forum will be able to advise you on what to do next. <'>

[Sallya]

Hi, What a nightmare for you.

 

I would say that he behaves this way BECAUSE he AS and his teachers and school have no understanding of what they are dealing with.

 

That is at the heart of the problem, and your head sounds like a bully. I would say to the head that if he wants to focus on behaviour that he needs to have behaviour support in the meeting, because they can advise the school on the best way to deal with your son and put strategies in place to help school and your son cope. <'>

[nellie]

Welcome to the forum Jan,

 

I'm sorry things have been so difficult. Things are obviously going pear shaped for your child. Lack of understanding by the school seems to be a big problem. The worst teachers are the ones who THINK they know best!!

 

You should put your request in writing asking for a meeting, stressing the importance of the relevant professionals attending the meeting. Copy this letter to the SEN Department and the professionals who are being invited.

 

It is worth seeking support and advice from the ASD Advisory Service if you have one. You could telephone the Educational Psychologist and put her in the picture.

 

Have you been in touch with Parent Partnership, they should be able to advise you and attend any meetings with you.

 

You may want to get in touch with an SEN support service for advice.

SEN Support and Information Services, SEN advice, information and support

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=676

 

These are links to relevant forum topics which may help.

 

Transition to Secondary School

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...st=0entry1315

 

Advice needed on transfer to comprehensive., Options available in secondary ED.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...t=0entry18199

 

Amending statements on year of transfer., Transfer to secondary school.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...t=0entry15990

 

I would make sure I put everything in writing and kept notes of events at school. You may find you need this evidence later. Hopefully someone else may come up with some more solutions.

 

Take care,

 

Nellie <'>

[Kazzen161]

>>>He is now out at lunchtime because school can't cope with his behaviour, sits outside the calssroom with an LSAto work because he disrupts the class and comes home Wednesday and Thursday afternoons because he cannot be trusted in PE.

 

What is the EP like? Will she back you up? I would make the above very clear - how will the secondary school cope with this? PE may not be at a convenient time for him to come home (my kids have two single sessions of PE suring the day) - can he work outside the classroom? Will he have an LSA? I didn't think schools could "exclude" a child at lunchtime if the problems were due to the child's SEN.

 

I would drop into the conversation that things are so bad at his current school, that it is obvious that inclusion is not working, and perhaps you should be looking at independent specialist schools (I am sure the EP will put the current school straight then!).

 

 

Does the EP cover the secondary school too? Make sure you arrange a meeting with the secondary school person soon, so you can organise some transition visits.

 

I am in a similar position (though R doesn't have a statement) - the Head of the Lower school seemed to be saying when will R get over this - I tried to explain that AS is a life-long disability and the Gov policy is inclusion, but he really did not want to know - I could happily have slapped him!

 

Karen

[nellie]

Jan,

 

As you are dealing with issues of unlawful exclusion and discrimination. My advice would be to speak to one of the education helplines.

 

Good luck, any questions just ask and please keep us posted.

 

Nellie <'>

[nellie]

Jan,

 

Have a look at the following, it might be useful to give this information to the Head teacher to prove your point.

 

DfES Guidance on Autistic Spectrum Disorders.

http://www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/sen/asds/

 

look under

Breaking down barriers to learning.

Practical strategies for achieving successful transition for students with

Autism and Asperger Syndrome.

 

Page 7 gives information on planning for transition.

[Helen]

We now have a review meeting to discuss his progress, he is due to transfer to secondary school in September. The meeting was resheduled by school because the EDpysch could not attend. I found out on Friday that the Behavioural support lady and the representative from the secondary school cannot attend the new meeting. When I challanged the head on this she told me the meeting would not be rearranged, I suggested that we may not attend if all the professionals involved were not there. I was told the meeting would go ahead without us.

Jan,

 

If I were you, I would not attend the meeting unless all the relevant professionals were present.

 

Are you going to go to this meeting? If you are then you need to be supplied with all advice/reports from the professionals at least two weeks prior to your meeting.

 

If you're not going to attend the meeting then you should write to the headteacher asking her to confirm in writing the information that she has already given to you (the information from within the quote), by doing this you'd be putting her on the spot - she would have to provide you with a satisfactory reason for her actions. You should also include in the letter your valid reasons for not attending the meeting; you don't want to cancel the meeting - you want to postpone it until a suitable date, when all the relevant parties are able to meet - copy this letter to all relevant parties.

[oracle]

From the very little I have picked up from my friend who works for IPSEA I would say that you could go for disability discirmination, because your son is being treat less favourable than his peers at lunch time. This is because he has AS and that would certainly be discirmination. Please contact IPSEA - you may have the devil of JOB to get through and keep getting an answering machine - but don't give up and keep trying. The people who man the helpline are all volunteers but boy do they know there stuff. You may have a case for SENDIT but IPSEA can answer that one for you.

 

If your son only exhibits this behaviour at school it's because they are getting it wrong. The problem is the longer it goes on for the harder it will be to correct.

 

Do you have a support group locally who could help you and attend meetings with you? Our group now support parents in your situation. We are at this moment dealing with a SENCO who is telling Mum that her son can no longer use his AS as an excuse for his bad behaviour. The behaviour is not an excuse it's an explination. It show how little they understand the condition.

 

If you have to go alone to the meeting - take a deep breath and remember that 'you' are the expert about your son and his condition - go in beleiving that and don't let them persuade you otherwise!

 

Good luck

 

Carole

[liz]

Hi I have just joined and although cant help with your current situation I am currently experiencing the same thing at my sons secondary school and a meeting is being set up after easter. What frustrates me is that most of the problems my son has at school could be easily avoided if they would just make a few adjustments to enable my son to feel secure in the school setting. Do fight for a transition strategy for your son. We had one and it was ignored so my son was left in a class with none of his peers from junior school despite 40 of them trandsfering to the school at the same time. Hope all goes well for you and keep fighting as only you will know what is right for your child

[Kazzen161]

>>We had one and it was ignored so my son was left in a class with none of his peers from junior school despite 40 of them trandsfering to the school at the same time

 

We had simialr problem - not only was he with none of his friends, he was put with his worst enemy - all against the advice of myself and his previous school - however it was changed and he is now with two of his friends and the ohter boy was moved.

 

>>What frustrates me is that most of the problems my son has at school could be easily avoided if they would just make a few adjustments to enable my son to feel secure in the school setting

 

this is what I am finding too - and so many people to deal with!

 

Karen

[jan]

<'>

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. It made me feel much better to know there were others we could ask for help and there it would be! Brilliant!

 

I spent yesterday tralwing through the websites trying to get as much information together as posssible!

 

I have discovered that the meeting is to review the statement, obviously with a transfer to secondary school coming up, we need to make sure that this reflects ALL his needs.

 

Unfortunately it will not resolve any issues with school, the headmistress there is used to getting her own way, she is not used to having her methods questioned, hence the reason our relationship with her has collapsed. But we are determined to make sure that we have appropriate provision for our son, with or without her support. Our next project, to tackle the "unofficial" lunchtime and afternoon exclusions!

 

Thanks again.

[Merlin]

Hello. Just wanted to say a big thank you to all who replied about our school problem. I will look into all suggestions. Thanks also for making me feel welcome. Today is a better day!!!

[Kazzen161]

I presume this is an extra review, in addition to the Transition Review that you should have had last October/ November?

 

Karen

[Corcaigh]

Jan, if you were in ireland I would think we're talking about the same headmaster! We are dealing with an arrogant control freak as well, moved in our school two years ago,pity because the school had a good reputation, now it's going down the drain. Every single parent hates him, I wonder why we cannot get rid of him. Unfortunately within the school he's very powerful and completely insensitive towards special needs.

No need to say he's trying to get rid of our son.

No way, it's a matter of principle at this stage. We are on a war path

 

Good luck and do not let them win. Remember, schools do not have a clue of how to handle special needs children.

 

[nellie]

Jan,

 

Just a thought.............have you tried the governing body? They might not even be aware of what the Head Teacher is doing. The governors have a legal duty to ensure your child's special educational needs are met.

 

I would certainly write to the governors complaining about the heads remark.

 

head told us that he was a gang leader and would end up a drug abuser, things took a downward spiral!

 

Take care

 

Nellie xx

[jan]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for your continued support!

 

This was the first review of the statement as believe it or not it was only awarded in October last year.

 

We have thought of complaining to the governing body and probably will but this is not straight forward. Nearly everyone thinks she is wonderful.

 

It is a very small school, in a fairly rural area. It has an excellent reputation,locally and further afield. The head is very well respected and the governing body seem to trust her judgement on everything. She is also the SENCO and works with the LEA to help failing schools in the county!!!!! She is a complete control freak (example: M got sent home last Tuesday morning for being rude, the next day I popped in before school started to have a quick word with his teacher, I was met in the corridor by the head and she would not allow me any further, took me into the staffroom and told me she would pass on any message to his teacher, without getting physical I could not get past her!!)She likes things her own way and knows how to say all the right things and how to manipulate people to her way of thinking! Our problems with her started when we refused some adivce. She thought we needed family counselling we disagreed, the downward spiral started. She thinks our parenting skills are questionable and that she knows best as she has been in education for 30 years, is the mother of 2 grown up boys and knows what boys need! This is only the tip of what has been happening.

 

We are fairly easy going people normally, we have tried vey hard to support school but, when you constantly get the nonsense that has been happening here, then it is now wonder that relationships with school fall apart!

 

We are determind that she (the head) will not get away with this and are taking all the advice we can get. It is a very complicated and difficult situation. I have discovered that we are not the first parents that she has treated like this. She does not like her authority challenged is any way. We are trying to get in touch with the helplines, but as you know it is a case of keep trying and we will.

 

What I would like to add is that our younger son, who has no added probems ie. special needs is also at this school and he is doing fine, we have looked for an alternative, but there are no places available for him at the other school close enough to travel to!

 

Thanks to everyone for all the support and advice, you are terrific.

Edited March 16, 2005 by jan

[mossgrove]

Jan

 

Apologies for being late in replying to this thread.

 

One of the things that separates children with ASD's from NT children is that tried and tested approaches that have been used for 30 years don't work. A headmistress that thinks she no longer has anytjhing to learn and cannot/will not grasp this simple fact is a nightmare.

 

The end result is that she is unable to accept that the problem may well be that her approach is not right, so she then loks for ways to blame the parents. It is unjust and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

How you approach the review meeting is hard to advise. Putting the actions of the headmistress aside for a second, you need to decide what it is that you are looking to get from the meeting, especially as your son will be moving to a new school.

 

Specifically, you need to decide if you wish your child to continue in a mainstream environment. Specialist provision for academically able children is hard to come by, but it does exist.

 

The basics you will be familiar with, i.e. looking through all the provisions within the statement to see if you fell thay have been met, if you feel they are still relavant, and is there any further provision required?

 

There should be some kind of autism outreach team within the LEA that can advise mainstream schools that have children with Autistic children. As a minimum there should be a requirement that they visit the new school so any appropriate interventions can be identified.

 

I know this will go against the grain, but please tread carefully. You may need to bite your lip and let the headmistress 'get away' with certinan things, at least for the time being, if you are going to get the best for your son.

 

It's also worth phoning the LEA statementing officer and seeing if he/she can be present at the review, likewise try and take somone from CAMHS or Parent Parternship in woth you, as their prescence will keep any bullying behaviour by the headmistress in check. You should also communicate your concerns about how the review is being conducted.

 

Good luck!

 

Simon

Edited March 18, 2005 by mossgrove

[jan]

Thanks Simon.

 

We had the review meeting and allthough it has not resolved any issues it went less painfully than expected!!

 

We also manged to contact IPSEA and they were terrific. They have given us lots of info to digest regarding options available to us. We now need to get on to the LEA and say that because of a breach in regulation we would like a new statement issued and the amendments we would like included. We need to pull the old one to bits and focus on his needs at secondary school. Any further advice gratefully received.

 

We may still pull him out and try and work with the secondary to make the transfer work as well as possible. They have been good and suggested several visits and meetings for him, so if we can keep the rapor going there, hopefully it will help. We shall give it our best shot!

 

Thanks again for all your support.

 

jan

Edited March 21, 2005 by jan

[Elefan]

Hi Jan,

 

Sounds like you have avenues to explore! Please let us know what te LEA say when you request a new statement be created. Make sure you have someone work with you to help sort out what should be included too.

 

Good luck and speak soon.

 

Elefan

xx