Having more children?

[shamu]

Mods - if this isn't appropriate in here please move it wherever you feel it is appropriate.

 

I could really do with some advice on this one - mainly to find out whether I'm the only one who feels like this or if anyone else feels the same. I hope it's not too controversial

 

Basically, I would love to have another child but worry about how we'd cope if we were to have another child who was as severely affected as our son. Our daughter is nearly two, and it breaks my heart to see her desperate to interact with her brother (she dotes on him and he just about tolerates her presence at the dinner table....). I feel as though I have two only children, living their seperate lives with barely a connection between them and I never expected that. I know having another child won't necessarily mean my daughter has a playmate and friend (I certainly fought like crazy with my younger brother!) but I think that I'm very aware that she is likely to be my son's main carer when my husband and I are no longer in a position to look after him. I would imagine she would value the support of another sibling but then we can't guarantee that another child might not be autistic too. I feel like I go round and round in circles, I have wanted another child since my second was born (which was before any concerns about James were apparent) so I don't think it's just because of our circumstances, but the decision seems such a big one now. My husband is in two minds, and I just wondered how others made any decsions about further children. I think my husband is worried about my mental state and how I'd cope with another child full stop, not even taking into account the chances of another child on the spectrum. Also, James' autism became apparent around the time that Bea was born, and I think the stress of the change when she arrived was immense and "triggered" his regression (I have accepeted that he was always autistic, but he hadn't "declared" it until the time she was born - hope that makes sense!) and I worry that if we have another baby he will regress again (he hasn't really made any progress at all in the last 2 years, but the thought of him regressing even further petrifies me)

 

I know this is a really individual thing, and I know there's no "right" or "wrong" answer, I just wondered if anyone else feels/felt this way and how they reconciled themselves? Hope this all makes sense and that I don't ruffle any feathers....

 

Shamu

[oxgirl]

Shamu, I really feel for you, it's so difficult isn't it. <'>

Me and my hub could never coordinate our desire for another child. Almost as soon as we'd had Jay DH wanted another one and I was, 'NO WAY'. As time went on and he was about two, I started to feel like I wouldn't mind thinking about it and suddenly DH was 'NO WAY'. Then we started to have concerns about Jay and investigations began and he got his dx and time just sort of ran away from us and before we knew it it seemed too late and we seemed to have both lost the desire anyway. Now Jay is 14 and I really regret not having any more. I realize that things would probably have been very tough and there are no guarantees that he would have been friends with his siblings, they could have hated each other and he may not have coped with having younger sibs around. On the other hand a brother or sister could really have helped him with his social development and he might not have been so lonely. Now I fear for the future. When me and DH are gone he'll be alone and who will love him and look out for him. If he'd had a doting younger sister to look out for him when he's older I would have felt happier, but it wasn't to be and there's no going back. That's the trouble, isn't it, you can see two roads of how it could/would have been and you don't know which one would have been the reality so we just go on torturing ourselves. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[CarolineJ]

*Deep breath*

 

I wouldn't admit this anywhere else, but both DH and dreaded the thought of having another baby/child like our son when we were expecting Blue. We love Bim to bits, but couldn't manage and indeed, wouldn't want two of him. I don't know how we cope with 4 children as it is, especially with one with AS and his surrounding needs.

 

I know I'm not a bad mother, but that doesn't stop me feeling guilt.

[durhamlass]

Oh Shamu, huge huge hugs to you.

 

I have no magc answers, just wanted to offer you my support

 

xx

[kirstie]

Oh Shamu,

This must be so tough for you. I have 4 children myself. My eldest is almost 16 and a apart from dyslexia in maths and chronic asthma he's doing fine- independant (or getting there) then theres my 8 y.o with AS and my 2 y.o with ASD and my 13 month old quite probably ASD too so for me there is no more children- in fact my husband has just been today for the snip. had no idea when i fell pregnant with my daughter that my youngest son was on the spectrum but i was desperate for another baby so we threw caution to the wind and whaddya know my honeymoon baby was concieved. Now i have the worry that she is on the spectrum too and to be honest i don't think i have the strength to go through another pregnancy and all the worries it will bring- knowing now the genetic link is evidently very strong. I feel sad, and i feel so cheated in a way that i ahve 3 out of my 4 children with Autism, cheated because when i walk into a room i am ignored, when i wave and smile (at my youngest mostly)i get no response and despite the large family it can be a lonely place for me. But i do understand that urge and that need to have another, it was so strong for me. But of course our circumstances are different and i totally get what you are saying about your daughter having someone for her on many levels. I reckon you should have a good long talk with your husband, give it plenty of time and then see where you are from there. Good luck in whatever you decide. <'> <'> <'>

[elun1]

<'> Hi Shamu

I know what a dilemma you're feeling; I could have written your post as it exactly sums up how I feel. I actually did get pregnant again with my third but had miscarriage and then straight after that happened O was diagnosed and somehow we just haven't gone down that road again but sometimes I feel tempted. However O is severely autistic, my eldest is actually going to the screening clinic on Wednesday (I think he's on the spectrum too) I know it doesnt make sense for me to have anymore but that doesnt stop the urge to have another baby. I really feel for you - there's no right answer really - good luck in whatever you decide

Elun xxx

[madme]

I have two both on the spectrum. My sons needs are greater and more complex. My daughter is 6 years younger and was born only a few months before he was diagnosed officially. I always wanted more but I am too scared that I would have another with even greater needs. I feel torn now and not sure how I and the rest of the family could cope. Have you considered genetic counselling?

[westie]

My eldest son (9) has PDA and was diagnosed at age 5. He has a younger brother who has just turned 3. There is a big age gap as I was afraid a little of coping with another child! Anyway, although J was a little jealous about his brother sleeping in our bedroom while he was in his own bed I explained this to him saying that C needed to be fed in night and that there was not enough room in bed for all of us. I did my best not to try and make him feel left out. There have not been too many problems with jealousy, although now they appear to be arguing more as C interferes with J's play and wants to be a big boy, and then J gets cross - would say just like any other siblings really (I was HORRID to my big brothers and they certainly resented me, but we get along okay now as adults!) I expected more problems that there actually was, J is generally very loving with him and can be really helpful in getting him ready, stopping him from running off (doing the "lets see who can get dressed first" trick that I use to get J to hurry in a morning - not that C gets dressed himself but he at least stands still sometimes so that I can dress him!)

 

C, my youngest has recently been diagnosed with ASD, and as many of you already know these syndrome's can run in families. We went to Child dev. centre yesterday for appointment and they have referred me to genetic counsellor. I think that it is a good idea to explore this if you think you do want more children.

 

I will not be having any more children, and was even considering getting sterilised, although I do not think at present I am in right frame of mind to make such a big decision These two keep me busy enough. I do not think I could cope, and my hubby does not want any more anyway.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Although in my heart I'd like another child (I have a 6 year old son who has AS), my head tells me differently. I simply couldn't cope with another child, especially, given I have several other family members who are on the spectrum. I feel that the risk of having another child also on the spectrum would be too great. As it is I find my son a handful and I don't think I could cope or that I'd have the energy to devote time/love/etc to another child without that child growing up to feel side-lined. This is something that saddens me as I'd love to have seen R with a sibling playmate.

 

Very personal decision.

 

Caroline.

[smiley]

Hmmmmmmmmm tricky.

 

I always wanted a house full of hooligans! But M's birth was very early, and frightening - so that would put me off a bit. But, to be honest - the thought of another spectrumy child would worry me. Not because i wouldn't want to deal with it all again, but because i'd worry that i couldn't help each child enough - or help the second child as much as i have been able to with m.......................

 

I just dunno, depends on a million little things i expect.....

[LizK]

If there was a crystal ball and I knew i would have an NT child.......................... but then again even with an NT child there are no guarantees

 

I would love a third though nature is currently conspiring against us which sometimes makes me beleive someone is trying to tell me something My reasons are because I don't feel done, want a larger family, enjoy my child. I too don't want my youngest son to be the one with sole responsibility for Adam when he is older. I also would love for him to have an NT playmate. I worry about the effect on DS1 of another child though having a younger sibling has been better for DS1 than hours of therapy and I do not regret having a second child for an iota. The boys play nicely and are probably developmentally at the same level in many respects. The whole ASD thing worries me though as there are genetics on both sides and this seems much more common in families when more than 1 sib is affected. The recurrence rate for ASD must be higher tha the traditional 3% quoted in the literature. I think we could cope with another child like DS1, after all his autism wouldn't be an unknown quantity but worry if we had a much more affected child or a child with a differnet and more severe difficulty.

 

I feel blessed with my two boys and sometimes wonder whether I should be deliberately doing something to risk that but that longing for another child just does not go away..................

 

Lx

[mossgrove]

Sometimes you just have to follow your instincts.

 

We have four children, two on the spectrum and two not. The two eldest boys are both Autistic and each others best friends (Most of the time!) and the youngest two are inseparable when they are not arguing!

 

I am so glad we carried on having children as we get the best of both worlds now, I couldn't imagine life without any of them.

 

Simon

[Cat]

I had my third son before my second was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. My third son has a diganosis of High Functioning Autism. My eldest is NT and I personally feel that shouldering the responsibility of two autistic brother is awesome but it is something that I do not expect from my eldest and nor, in my opinion, should anyone else. We do not have children so that they can be ready made carers for their disabled siblings. I feel that my eldest has already put his life on hold while he has invested everything that he has into his brother. I actually want him to have a life of his own.

 

In lots of ways having two on the spectrum has forced my two to accomodate each other and be more flexible than I believe they would be did they not have each other to consider. They have no choice but to give way for each other but it is not something that comes naturally and try telling two people on the spectrum that what just happened is not important - it is to them. There are days (had one yesterday) when you simply can not square the circle and black is black and white is white but sadly one is seeing black while the other is seeing white

 

My two are poles apart and could not be more different and yet in some ways they are identical - which I know does not make any sense - but it is the way it is. Living with is times 2 can be very difficult but that said I would not swap either of my sons for anyone else

 

Cat

[rocketgob]

This is probably going to sound harsh (its not meant to) - Charlie and Lucy were both unplanned and when I had Lucy was when we realised that Charlie was more than likely autistic. If I had known then what I know now I probably would not of had anymore children. I love them all dearly and they are my babies and I wouldn't be without them all now but I find it really hard work especially when Lucy was a newborn.

[Stephanie]

I just typed up a whole reply to this then retracted it as I didn't want to hurt anyone who has more than one child on the spectrums feelings. I will contact you personally.

[pearl]

When JP was little, we often said, laughing hysterically, that if we'd had him first we wouldnt have had any more!

 

Loved him to bits but never so exhausted in our lives.

 

In an ideal world we'd have had three, not two, but it wasnt the autism that put us off, rather three miscarriages before two successful pregnancies. Thought we'd quit while we were ahead, & made the decision well before he was dx'd.

 

Now he is 18, & a fab son to have around. I hope his big sis will always look out for him when we are no longer around, but at the mo its looking like that wont be a full time job.

 

What will be, will be. Sometimes you dont plan any more, but life finds a way anyway.

[Shnoing]

I don't think the question of a higher probability of As should influence your decision whether to have one more child or not. With us, it's Aspie (24), ADHD (20), NT (14), Autie (4) - and of course by now the question doesn't pose itself any more.

[jo4themo]

N (AS) is our eldest child and when she was about 18 months old we decided we did want another child but not yet..well, lets just say her little sister was born when N was 2 and a half!!

We already knew N had some sort of disablity as she didn't stand until she was 14 months and couldn't walk until she was 3 (so there was me at 9 months pregnant carrying her everywhere) however there was no obvious sign of ASD then (looking back there was but we only noticed with hindsight).

N took to C brilliantly even though there wasn't much interaction for the first year-18 months. C is very sociable and helped N to learn how to interact and do imaginary play,

When we had T (now age 3) he was planned and we were warned by Ns teachers that we musn't leave her alone with the baby etc My blood boiled) . When he was born she was a bit off for the first few months, even though she had wanted a brother, but by the time he was about 5 months and playing she was fine.

Yes it is hard work and I feel for C being in the middle, esp with a sibling with AS, but I know that when me and J get too old to look after her there will be someone else there for her.