Can your child occupy themselves?

[LizK]

I have always struggled with this with Adam since being a toddler and am continuing to struggle with it particularly today. He's been ill and still off school though actually fine now, just not allowed back. I however appear to be going down with whatever he has and just want 10 minutes peace and quiet which I am not getting. Instead a chorus of play with me or incessant questions and wanting to be velcro'd to me. I hasten to add he is not being naughty at all and so feel bad about complaining especailly as I don't think he can help it .

 

However in general he is shockingly bad at occupying himself. TV or computer keep him occupied but I limit his time on screens as to quote him "they make my brain go funny" Most other play or keeping him occupied requires someone else. He'll play structured board games and enjoys activities like cooking but obviously needs another person for these. He'll do pretend play if there is an adult helping him and structuring him. Otherwise he'll get his trains out, push them around for 2 minutes then be fed up of that, move onto next toy for 2 mins then lose interest etc etc . He has a lot of energy but no interest in the garden these days unless his younger brother is home and outside but even loses interest quickly, think as it is unstructured. He is generally a bit better when his little brother is here as they do (sometimes!) play nicely together. Sadly now though my 3 year olds play skills are outstripping his older brothers so often Adam cannot relate to what his brother is doing. Otherwise Adam will just loll around in the house or run back and forth around aimlessly and look distraught if I ask him to go and play on his own for 10 minutes! Weekends and holidays are hard work as he needs constantly occupying and entertaining and I usually take path of least resistance and go out! However means we live in a constant tip and never get anything done at home becasue Adam needing constant attenetion. At school he has 1-2-1 support too.

 

Awful as it sounds I sometimes long for an obsession (non-screen related!) which will occupy his time. We have had these briefly when he got obsessed with letters and would spend ages (20-30 mins long time for my boy!) writing letters on his magna-doodle. His current obsessions (cash tills, date stamps, clocks, self service checkout at Asda!) unfortunately do not occupy him in the same way or require an adult to carry them out. He's never really been one for meticulously lining up cars for hours on end, I don't think he could concentrate long enough!

 

I change my mind why he is like this. I sometimes wonder though if he has ADD and it is his difficulties with concentration that means he can't occupy himself. He can be physcially hyperactive but this definitely comes in phases and not all the time so don't think he has ADHD. Maybe it is just autism. He has real difficulties with self motivation and craves structure. Free play I guess is not structured and I think sometimes he simply doesn't know how to play or see the point in it.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you manage? Is there any way I can 'train' him to occupy himself a little longer or is just something that will always be? I suspect the altter seeign as I've been complaining about this since he was 10mths old

 

Lx

[CarolineJ]

I let go of the guilt and my expectations and use the DS, TV, PS2 etc if it makes for a calmer house. I'm getting past hating myself for it, but have come to the conclusion that I have to let go and well I suppose I've already greived for the child I thought I had and am coming to terms that he's different to my expectations and I need to accept that.

 

It does make things easier now I'm coming to terms with things.

[dooday24]

that is just how i feel caroline

reece does not entertain himself hes constantly lying across me or jumping on me feel like hes glued to me some days

so hav to use computers tv and ds as it does keep him occupied for a while

did feel guilty for a while about him spending so much time in front of the tv and on the computer

but ive learnt to live with it

love donnax

[LizK]

Thanks

 

For my son letting have too much time on screens simply is not an option. He becomes more aggressive, withdrawn and causes more problems that it solves as his behaviour spirals out of control, hence the limits we have which he is now very good about and sticks too. He still probably has more screen time than the average kid though! There is part of me too that is not sure that using screens to occupy him is healthy. Maybe read too much 'research' about how it 'fries the brain' but if he spends his day glued to TV/PC/Leapster I worry he will not learn play or communication skills and limit his opportunities for socialisation. It's hard because you are balancing what they enjoy and need with the other wider issues. Saying that he is not particularly interested in the TV or PC at the moment and after a while loses interest and switches it off!

 

Lx

[ASue67]

Mike is the same, not good at occupying himself, needs someone else with him to do things, wont play in the garden unless someone to play with......... etc etc.

 

Holidays are a nightmare and I am exhausted when they are over because of this so I sympathise with you greatly <'> <'>

[Suze]

I think we must be in the minority here ...............my boy has always lost himself in an activity from an early age he would spend a whole morning or afternoon immersed in his tractors and diggers laying out tracks and shoveling dirt with them.He is very much the same now with the tv, tractors/helicopters and building stuff in the garage.It does have its down sides as he very often refuses to do anything else and will complain and moan if we try to do stuff together as a family, he just wants to do his own thing all the time.

[mariaterisa]

Hi there..am so glad that you were honest enough to write about how you feel with spending time etc with your son.....I can ditto everything you have said and others and i totally understand about the tv/computer/ds thing as i notice charlie (asp0 gets more volatile or frustrated the longer he plays.My only Godsend is that he does draw a lot....mainly pics of aliens and monsters but it gives me a few minutes respite.However ,what really makes me want to do a runner is his incessant..."mum....mum...mum..mum and constant verbal diahrrea which can be continual all day...it gets into my head and i feel the need to go hids and crave silence....do i make sense?...There have been times when i have actually shouted at him to stop talking to me..(carries on when i am on the phone or a friend comes round)...and i have sent him to his room only to hear him in the past, banging his head or throwing his toys around...he is approaching 6..so only God knows about the future...havent got any pearls of wisdom for you but just to say....you are not alone....maria xx <'>

[aro]

Liz, you could have been describing my dd (((hug))) she also has mobility problems so needs a lot of supervising. However she has no interest in TV, never has occupied her for more than a few minutes. She wants me to draw for her as she struggles with fine motor skills.

 

Like you, I find it easier to take her out! Though for dd that usually involves lot's of time sitting in her buggy

 

Hope you find a few minutes to yourself. I resorted to having a computer on the table downstairs so that I can at least get online whilst she "plays" around me and can chat to me.

 

A x

[av16]

My DS is exactly the same, we have to have things for him to do the whole time; if I leave the room all hell breaks loose and he's nearly 11. Holidays and weekends are exhausting, we try to have activities for him to do - he plays football on Saturday, the seasons finished so no games on a Sunday now he does after school activities but at home he has to be 'entertained'. He has a PS2 but usually ends up screaming at it, he will watch tv for a while or dvd's of football themed things but this doesn't go down too well with his teenage sisters.

 

As you say it's very difficult to get things done but as least it's a good excuse

[fiorelli]

"Can your child occupy themselves?"

 

Not at all. Well, not for more than 5 minutes anyway (unless he has full reign of the tv remote so he can memorise all 'his' programmes, what channel number they are on and at what time, and time them ready to watch. I can't even go to the toilet without him being there!

 

Even suggestions of what to do - play with this, play with that, do this, read a book, do that etc. are met with 'No, that's boring, I don't know what to do'. You physically have to do it with him.

[jb1964]

Hi,

 

Now that my daughter is older (nearly 15) she can occupy herself much more easily - as she enjoys quiet things like reading and drawing - when she was younger it was more of a question after question - as she seemed to crave knowledge about everything and anything - and she needed attention and help to keep her occupied for any length of time - although she did/does enjoy tv and games consoles etc (limited because it would cause frustrations), she liked someone to be with her constantly. I found it mentally exhausting rather than physical if you know what I mean.

 

My littlest one (NT - 5yrs) however is both - 100 miles an hour with unstoppable talking and questions about absolutely everything - and so nosey which is something I never had with my eldest. She cannot occupy herself for longer than 5 mins and has no concentration for a boardgame etc - although she will watch tv etc - it doesn't envelope her at all. She is also far more clingy than my eldest - I can't even go to the loo without a chattering whirlwind behind me - although then again she is only 5 so it's early days.

 

Take care,

Jb

[LizK]

However ,what really makes me want to do a runner is his incessant..."mum....mum...mum..mum and constant verbal diahrrea which can be continual all day...it gets into my head and i feel the need to go hids and crave silence....do i make sense?...There have been times when i have actually shouted at him to stop talking to me..(carries on when i am on the phone or a friend comes round)...

 

Oh yes! Like you say sometimes I do just need silence and a break from the continual and repeated questions and commentary. And boy, don't I feel guilty. Adam had a speech delay and for so long was I desperate to her him speak and chatter to me, never would I have thought I'd see the day where I'd be looking for his 'off'' button .

 

Lx

[LizK]

I think we must be in the minority here ...............my boy has always lost himself in an activity from an early age he would spend a whole morning or afternoon immersed in his tractors and diggers laying out tracks and shoveling dirt with them.He is very much the same now with the tv, tractors/helicopters and building stuff in the garage.It does have its down sides as he very often refuses to do anything else and will complain and moan if we try to do stuff together as a family, he just wants to do his own thing all the time.

 

What you describe is more the experience of friends in real life hence me wondering just how common having a child who can't occupy himself is. I guess this is one of those sort of posts that encourages people in similar situations to answer! Much as I find it wearing I can appreciate the downsides of him being the other way, DS is a sociable little thing in his own way, on the odd occasions when he has been more occupied he has also been more withdrawn and in his own world which is hard too.

 

Lx

[LizK]

(unless he has full reign of the tv remote so he can memorise all 'his' programmes, what channel number they are on and at what time, and time them ready to watch.

 

DS1 has currently memorised the whole CBeebies schedule not just so he knows what time his favourite programme is on but to structure his life around it. I will find him poring over listings webpage. Apparently knowing that Louie is on at 10am which is when he has relaxation session at school is a big help to him Sometimes don't think I appreciate JUST how important the need for structure is for my son

 

Lx

[LizK]

Thank you everyone Glad to know am not alone especially as this is not really the experience of real life friends with autistic children. I am thankful that DS1 does want to interact, ask questions and be with me especially as his early speech skills and interaction was so behind but the continuality of it can get a little wearing especially on days when I'm tired, unwell or really need to tidy up! We have no relatives nearby that can take the kids for an hour or so and I think because it is just me and DH 24/7 it tends to get us down more

 

Lx

[shamu]

In a nutshell, no, James can't occupy himself at all. But then on the other hand, if I leave him in the garden he may jump on the trampoline for an hour or he may come off and lie in the grass.... He cannot "play" at all, and his play skills are much less advanced than Bea's, who is not yet two..... He loves staring at the leaves in the trees and the clouds going past so a day like today is quite "fun" for him, but it's not particularly good for his development. He doesn't want to share his space with anyone, so if I go and be with him he'll stop....

 

I remember when he was 6 months or thereabouts, having to constantly find things to stimulate and entertain him. I have virtually never had to do that for Bea.

 

Shamu

[Cariad]

T occupies himself with the PC and nintendo. If he doesn't have these he'll squeak and scream and wind up his sisters to get some reaction as he's bored!

[Stephanie]

Ditto to the above!!!

 

My son is 7, we have just come back from Florida and thank god for the Nintendo DS we bought him a couple of weeks before, he sat there for 10 hours on the plane without moaning, moving or getting bored. My sister said to me "you should get rid of that DS, he's obsessed" but in all honesty it is a godsend.

 

He can keep himself occupied by rotating around doing the same things - time on his PC, his Nintendo DS, his Tamagotchis, watching Tom & Jerry, Drawing.

 

If he's not doing these things he doesn't know what to do with himself and generally gets noisy and starts swinging his 3 year old brother around. I have to suggest some things for him to do like lego or just open up a toybox and find a few things he might have forgotten about. He doesn't watch much TV or do anything else to "chill" or occupy his time.

 

Drives me mad though when he's bored!!! I think this is generic to most kids whether they are on the spectrum or not though.

[hev]

katie is 4 and nt,she cannot occupy herself at all,she likes me watching tele with her,playing with her constantly,if i go to the toilet she calls me,it drives me round the bend,even if she has a friend round she wants me to play with them,then again i spose i am on a 4 year olds level

[Shnoing]

Our son (4, autie) most of the time does not play by himself but sometimes he does play with his model cars or duplo building bricks.

 

We often take him out, and sometimes he's at the computer (but not by himself). Well, and there are his older siblings ...