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mariaterisa

Anxiety and stress situations with young ASP child

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Hi All,

Have decided to air this one as it seems to surface quite often with our child.

Okay,where to start? I collected Charlie from his primary school this afternoon and on the way..i just made an innocent comment about children walking home from school by themselves as his older brother does, to which charlie responded by getting over concerned and needing reassurance that i would always take him and collect him from school and elsewhere...well,this wasn't good enough... and when i said that perhaps when he is in sec ed he may walk home because he will be much older he became upset and was insistant on getting me to promise that i or his dad will always walk him......then at home...i thought we had finished conversation but he brought it up again... this time seeking assurance that he will always live with us and that if he gets a job,i will still take him etc and then......he said "and when we all go to heaven, it will be at the same time..yeh?...well i did not know what to say and just asked him to get on and eat his tea.

Now the thing is..this has come up a lot and it really seems to cause real concern for him....yes i can fobb him off and tell him what he wants to hear which is what i have done...but i genuinely dont know if this is the right way...

any advice or similarities with your children would be a great comfort at the moment, many thank ,maria x

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My son, when he went to school, would get extremely upset if I was late to pick him up..if the school went and I wasn't there panic set in. He would not think I was running late. No he would think I was DEAD!

 

I have just told him when he asks these sorts of question I will always be there until you decide it's time you can go on your own. But I will still be there waiting for you.

 

For me that is the truth, I am not fobbing him off.

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I'd personally be a bit cautious about promising something that I knew I couldn't deliver. I'd be more inclined to say something along the lines that justamum suggested, like, 'I'll be there for as long as you need me or as long as you want me to be but we don't need to be worrying about that right now', something like that. You never know, a promise to ALWAYS be there could come back and haunt you in a few years as he might remember exactly what was promised and then it just makes it harder to explain.

 

~ Mel ~

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I'd personally be a bit cautious about promising something that I knew I couldn't deliver. I'd be more inclined to say something along the lines that justamum suggested, like, 'I'll be there for as long as you need me or as long as you want me to be but we don't need to be worrying about that right now', something like that. You never know, a promise to ALWAYS be there could come back and haunt you in a few years as he might remember exactly what was promised and then it just makes it harder to explain.

 

~ Mel ~

Mel and Justamum,

Hi and thanks for your answers....but of course, it goes without saying... i do tell him and i mean what i say when I tell him that I will always be there for him...He is my life as are my other children....and i am not fobbing him off when i say this...i just meant the literal answer to his questions re....walking to and from somewhere when he is older,going to work and the dying thing....but what i have not expressed here is that my son can be very emphatic and pedantic and into detail..so he pins me down with an answer to a specific question.Again ,before going to bed...it was on his mind and he would not be happy until i agreed to be with him at all times ...when i try to be gently ambiguous,he sees through that and will only settle if i meet the criteria of his wishes....and as for saying .."we dont need to worry about that now"...goodness knows...it has become a catch phrase of mine...but it just isnt satisfying him....i guess that makes him quite controlling in some ways! and me...well ,perhaps I am a hopeless mother who can't communicate well with others and her own child.

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when i try to be gently ambiguous,he sees through that and will only settle if i meet the criteria of his wishes

 

I am never ambiguous with my son, he will also see through it. I also don't say 'we don't need to worry about that now' as that only makes him worry more as it is open ended and meaningless. My son requires a definite answer...yes or no.

 

My daughter, his twin, has also had the mummy dying question and even at her age of 11 I have heard her say to him that 'if mummy is not here then you will have me to look after you.'

 

As for saying I will ALWAYS be there for him coming back to haunt, that can only happen if I don't keep my promise to him which will only occur if I am physically unable to do so. In which case his sister will step in, which he knows about as we have already spoken about what will happen if mummy can't look after you.

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I know it's hard, as my DS was like this when he was little...

 

But now that he's coming up for 19 he is champing at the bit to move out into a shared flat with some student mates! :ph34r::sick:

 

So try not too worry too much >:D<<'>

 

Bid :)

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