can i change him?

[hev]

school phoned today,we have a meeting on wed to discuss steves future at the school,what theyve said today is that they are going to extend his assesment by 6 weeks but if his behaviours havent improved by the 6 weeks he wont be able to stay there

i cant possibly change his behaviours in 6 weeks,i can tell him what wil happen if he dont improve but it seems impossible,i think his behaviour has improved at home to be honest but i dont know what else to do,i feel anxious already

[baddad]

Hi hen -

 

Don't want to be a doom-goblin, but as for 'can i change him?' I think all you can do is TRY...

As you've said, you can't possibly change his behaviour in 6 weeks... He may be able to, but for that to have any chance of working he's got to be giving it 100% of his effort. If he can't - well no shame in that as long as he's given it his best shot - but if that is the case it is going to impact on his opportunities and he's going to need to come to terms with that.(That's not being judgmental or anything like that, or 'blaming' it's just facing the reality and making adjustments for it).

It's really, really hard, I know, but I think all you can do is sit down and have a really good chat with him about it - and make sure that everyone who needs to be is part of that process so he's not getting any mixed signals. As much as you can, you need to help him realise that it's not just 'nagging', and the implications you're talking to him about are not 'threats', but real consequences that neither you nor anyone else can shelter him from After that, outside of heaps of support, I don't think there's anything major you can do - the change has to come from Steve...

Having said all that, I don't think the school is going to be expecting miracles. They'll be looking for indications that things can change and the intent behind those indications. I wouldn't emphasise that too strongly to Steve as he might think he can 'wing it', but on the other hand once you've done everything you can to make him aware of the seriousness of the next 6 weeks I don't think you should apply too much pressure either.

 

Really, really hope he can get there <'>

Best to you all

 

 

[Bagpuss]

Hev, sound advice from BD <'> <'>

[Enid]

Hi Hev, Have they said which particular behaviours they want to change, is it because he attacked/kicked a teacher? If it is a school for children with behavioural and emotional probs, what were they expecting, they must have known beforehand what his behaviour was like. Thinking of you Hev, I know how hard it is attending these endless meetings, especialy when so much depends on the outcome. Enid

[westie]

Not knowing fully your situation I don't know what outside help Steve has had, but would have thought that the school will also be looking at ways to help change the behaviour that is most problematic, and I know you will have very important and valuable contribution to that but will they not offer any help/ advice to you and work with you to help. I would have thought they have seen this sort of thing before and have some techniques/ ways to deal with difficult behaviour?

 

I really hope that things work out for Steve and he manages to turn things around and keep his place.

Thinking of you,

Debbie

[hev]

i always explain in detail what stevens behaviours are like with each school he has been to,i think the probs with his behaviour have come to a head with him hitting teacher and i can understand the suspension but it just feels like im in this situation again where i explain to steve about him needing to try at school and he promises he will then he goes back and it happens all over again,this really,really is his last chance at an education,hes 15 in august,what i say goes in one ear and out the other,hes an intelligent boy but he just will not/cannot behave at school,i do not know what one it is anymore.

 

i will ring school tomorow and tell them how im feeling and take any advice they have to offer,i just really want him to have a good future and i feel like its slipping away,enid its an education difficulty school x

[hev]

Not knowing fully your situation I don't know what outside help Steve has had, but would have thought that the school will also be looking at ways to help change the behaviour that is most problematic, and I know you will have very important and valuable contribution to that but will they not offer any help/ advice to you and work with you to help. I would have thought they have seen this sort of thing before and have some techniques/ ways to deal with difficult behaviour?

 

I really hope that things work out for Steve and he manages to turn things around and keep his place.

Thinking of you,

Debbie

no we havent had any outside help really,gave up on that ages ago,wasent through want of trying either

i keep thinking surely steve isent the worst boy they have ever had,at the school before last he was the only person to ever be permanetly excluded the school after that lasted 7 days,this one said its very rare for children to be excluded,im very fed up of schools at the moment,feel like i been fighting for years

[Kathryn]

Hev,

 

<'>

 

I really hope the next few weeks are better and there are some positive signs that Steve can change. Hopefully the school are giving him clear messages about the things he needs to do - all you can do is reinforce these at home.

 

<'>

 

K x

[soraya]

Hev <'> <'> <'> <'> Stay strong honey, remember you are not alone with your struggles.

[pearl]

Hev, dont know what to say love, just adding a <'>

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

sweetie tis not your job to change steve

it his job, he may be autistic, but he can change

meggz has,

write it all down for him, give it to him and say come back here when you are ready to talk,

he has to be responsible for some of his behaviour, yes it is not " i fancy kicking nick tonight"

but he will not get anywhere in his life if he carries on

shout me if u need anything, i will help if i can

<'> >< <'> ><

[baddad]

hes an intelligent boy but he just will not/cannot behave at school,i do not know what one it is anymore.

 

Hev, hen, you've got to assume that it's some and some, I'm afraid. While some of the behaviours might be responses to the pressure, or arise from spontaneous reactions to trigger events (as he claims happened with hitting the teacher to defend his 'friend')that can only be part of it.

When he took the alcohol to school and got drunk it was a premeditated act and he knew there would be consequences. That also applies to his phone calls to the emergency services and to his continued abuse toward Nick. Additionally, he is very aware, and shows himself able, to moderate some of his behaviours when he knows he's gone to far, which is why we got two threads in the space of an hour, one saying how nice, polite and thoughtful he had been since getting home, and another one about the phonecall you had received reporting the assault on the teacher...

That's not to undermine any of what he's feeling that contributes to those behaviours in any way, but his responses to those feelings are totally inappropriate, and that does need to be acknowledged by him and he will have to take responsibilty for them.

Steve gets ton's of love and understanding, but I think some of the former has to be 'tough love', and some of the understanding has to be mutual understanding...

School's not the problem here in the 'decent education' sense - 'cos he can go back and finish that - the biggest part of his needs now is 'social' education', because that's the bit that's going to matter when school's done and dusted whether that's in two months or two years time...

Everything's crossed for you all that it's the latter <'>

 

[Flora]

hev <'> <'>

 

I'm so sorry I didn't see this thread until now. You've had some very sound advice from baddad. I have nothing to add to it,other than to stress you've got to level with him, which I'm certain you've done on many occasions. Make sure you've got the point accross if any more unacceptable behaviour is acted out in school he will be expelled in 6 weeks time.

 

You must feel sick <'> <'>

 

Wish there was something I could say to help.

 

Flo' <'>

[LittleRae]

Hi Hev. I agree with Baddad and Lya. However, instead of you writing down what behaviours he must change, why not ask him to do it. Tell him he's been given a reprieve of 6 weeks. Make sure he knows how important this is. Then ask him what he can do about it. Give him a sheet of paper with 3 columns. On one side get him to write the behaviours that have been getting him in trouble. In the next, get him to mark those behaviours which he causes himself and therefore can & must control himself. In the third column, get him to say what he will do to avoid those behaviours. Try and get him to make it positive. Not, 'I will not kick Nick or swear at Nick' but 'If I feel angry at Nick I will say that I am angry and leave the room until I can control my anger, or speak to Mum about it'.

 

If you put the onus on him, then you won't be the one giving out to him and forcing him into any behavioural changes. This will be a decision he has made himself. Of course, if he cannot come up with any, then perhaps 'gently suggesting' a few should get him started.

 

I hope all works out for you both.

 

A

[Enid]

Just so you dont feel so alone, my son was the only child EVER permantly excluded from his primary school, and as if that wasnt bad enough, I work in the adjoining pre-school, felt like walking about with a bag on my head! at that time, just days after his 11th birthday, he was no problem at home which was just as well as he was out of mainstream education for 7 months, then returned to another primary 3 half days a week for 6 wks, they were supposed to build up to full-time but never did, it was a nightmare as they rang me all the time, he then started main-stream secondary which was a nightmare also, they sent him home nearly every day, in the end I took him out at the beginning of December and managed to secure a place for him at a special school, he started there in February of this year, and the days he goes, (every day this week!) they never ring, I hear nothing from them at all, I have only just got used to not feeling sick when my mobile goes off at work. Enid

[hev]

i know that feeling when the phone rings and you think here we go again!!

when kate started school it was quite a shock cos i only ever see the teachers on parents evenings and its nice to pick her up without them asking to see me

littlerae thanks for the column idea,i like that one,

[smiley]

Hey hun <'>

 

Great advice here, so i'll just add some more <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Eva]

Hi Hev,

 

here some more <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> for you. What a stressful time you must be going through.

 

Eva

[Clare63]

Hev,

 

Nothing to add but some more hugs.....lots of good advice above.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x