Alexandra Report post Posted May 6, 2008 M has adhd and HFA he's 10 and in mainstream school, the problem is when he is in trouble or thinks he's in trouble and when he gets angry, he says " I've got these things wrong with me" We've said yes but thats not an excuse to get away with things or hurting people His teacher said he said it to a TA at school last week, Don't really know how to handle this, at the moment we think he's angry that he got these DX, he's started asking questions about himself. Any advice would be great Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enid Report post Posted May 6, 2008 Hi Alex, know just what you mean, my ds has expressed his feelings if one of the other children are naughty, such as, dont be rude/cheeky to mummy, if they point out that he is he has said, yes but I have problems! so therefore using it as an excuse, I am also not sure what to say about this so will watch out for replies, although I have obviously told him that his "special needs" are not an excuse. Enid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Report post Posted May 7, 2008 Hi Alex, know just what you mean, my ds has expressed his feelings if one of the other children are naughty, such as, dont be rude/cheeky to mummy, if they point out that he is he has said, yes but I have problems! so therefore using it as an excuse, I am also not sure what to say about this so will watch out for replies, although I have obviously told him that his "special needs" are not an excuse. Enid Its difficult isn't it, just don't know how to deal with it, he's really angry he's got "special needs" he says he wish he wasn't alive, I really want him to be positive about it all, I don't want to come down heavy on him maybe we're the only ones who have this problem? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted May 7, 2008 Hi Alexandra - No, you're not the only ones! I'm sure the vast majority of parents whos kids are aware of their dx have heard this many times If he's ten, you're probably handling it the right way just by telling him autism isn't an excuse (a 'get out of jail free card'), but later on you can expand on that and explain why it isn't an excuse and the implications for him if he choses to use it as an excuse... Then he can make up his own mind about how much he can/is willing to 'control' for the benefit of others and how much he isn't/can't, and come to terms with the limitations that arise as a consequence... If you try to explain it in terms of a physical disability (a flawed model, but it might help him to 'see' the point you're trying to make)... ask him to think about wheelchair user faced with stairs and no other option . He may be able to negotiate the stairs by intensive practice in wheelchair use. He may be able to negotiate the stairs by (if he has any degree of limb mobility) physical means. He may be able to... (etc etc). On the other hand, his disability may be such that he has no other way of negotiating the stairs than to ask/call for assistance, or he may make a choice to ask/call for assistance because the other way is so impractical it makes more sense to do so, or he may make that choice for other reasons. The one choice he hasn't got in this case, no matter how unjust/unfair/unreasonable it might be, is to adapt the environment to provide an alternative solution. There should be no shame or blame applied to the person who can't negotiate the stairs, and the circumstances may well dictate that asking for support it is the sensible thing to do, but the reality will always be that not negotiating the stairs has a 'disabling' effect in the same way that not negotiating social/environmental situations has a disabling effect. The person who is disenfranchised by that disabling effect has to come to terms with it As I say, that's a bit too much for a ten year old, but the more you can get him to appreciate that there are less obvious and less favourable consequences to using his dx as a 'GOOJF card' the better off he'll be. -------------- Other thoughts: Self esteem/positivity. This actually comes from acceptance of how it is rather than from projecting the problems onto something/someone else. That doesn't mean giving up on the expectation for change, it just means accepting and working with the here and now during the transition... Coming down heavy on him: If the situation demands it, do! If you're fairly certain that he can control a particular behaviour and he has demonstrated an ability to do so (and there are no other factors complicating the scenario) it's exactly the right thing to provide consequences that fit the 'crime'... We'd do it for our NT kids, so why wouldn't we do it for our autistic kids? If we have lower expectations for our kids how can we expect others not to? How can we expect them not to? The real problem lies in assessing the difference between can/can't will/won't, and not applying any negative judgements for the 'can't' bits Cuh! who'd be a parent! Hope that helps Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted May 7, 2008 Hi, I told Bill about his dx very quickly and it's always been an open topic which I have found useful and over the years we've learned to negotiate the fine balance of enablement, adjustment, expectation, effort and acceptance. In the early days post-dx he started with the 'I can't help it, I've got a diseeeaaase' plea , but he learned really quickly that he has to put some effot in (he needs to help himself, and to help others to help him) and there are consequences to his actions just like there is for everybody else! I still sometimes have to make a judgement call as to what he can and can't help (and don't always get it right, but most times I do), taking into account his dx and co-morbids as well as his obvious cognitive ability to work things out for himself. I don't doubt that he sometimes leans on his dx as a way of avoiding things, and the more teenager-ish he's becoming the harder it is to negotiate around them (teenagers can argue that black is white and if anything AS teenagers are particularly good at this!!). However, if you start off on the right footing (at 10 there's still plenty of time before the puberty issues really kick in), then you've got the foundations built up no matter how wiley they become at ducking and diving behind things. My theory is that if they have the presence of mind to say 'I can't do that becaue I've got....' then there's a rabbit off and you will invariably always find another reason for the avoidance and/or behaviour which may or may not have something to do with their dx, but quite often is just because 'they don't want to!'. Good luck! Flora Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
