Strange relationship

[Viper]

I've not been here for a long time but know you lot are always here if I fancy a chat.

 

Anyway I'm not sure if I am sharing this with you because I'm pleased and proud or because I'm worried.

 

My AS DD who is 17, has struck up a friendship with a 19 year old Autistic boy who also has ADHD and is gay. It's a really strange relationship and I am not sure if it's a good one or not. The lad lives with his Nan as his mum didn't want him. He rings DD daily and she goes to see him and more often than not brings him to our house, where they go to her room for short periods of time before he gets restless and they walk round the block and back here.

 

When he rings she says he is getting on her nerves but then goes and brings him home. He has given her an old lap top that he had after upgrading his phone(one of those deals you get), and when he is not here he is on MSN or the phone to her.

 

DD say's his house is a real pigsty and she feels uncomfortable when she goes round there as it is dirty. Today she was gone for some time and when she came home she said she had made Sam tidy his room so she could hoover and clean it for him. She then cooked Sam and his nan a spag bol for their tea. She said Sam was hungry but can't cook so she did it for him.

 

As much as I'm proud of DD I am still a bit worried that he may be putting her in a awkward position. I feel he gave her the laptop to buy her friendship when he didn't really need to, but DD may be feeling obliged to visit him every day. On the other hand it works for us because DD was getting into trouble, getting drunk etc, trying to fit in with NTs. She is now with Sam all the time so has a friendship that benefits both of them.

 

I also wonder if DD is only saying he gets on her nerves because she thinks that's what she should say, when really she is quite enjoying his company. He seems like a very nice young man. Although I haven't really spoken to him as he is very shy and refuses to look at anyone even DD. He did ask if he could meet me a few weeks ago. I went to the door to say hello and he hid behind the wall said "I'm really shy" and then he was gone. Since then he has joined myself and DS in the garden but hasn't looked at us although he does talk a wee bit.

 

I'm quite happy for the relationship to carry on as long as they are both happy with it. But how do I find out if DD is happy? She wont talk to me much about it. My gut instinct says it's Ok but I've been wrong before.

 

Sorry for such a long post. Thanks for reading.

[baddad]

Hi Viper

 

My guess is if she really didn't like being with him she would make her excuses...

Maybe she's just uncomfortable with the whole friendship thing and nervous that it will go wrong, so she's building a protective wall around herself just in case?

Possibly she sees elements of herself in him, and in supporting him she also confirms positive things about herself - if she can see that he needs 'help' with things like keeping his room tidy and socialising etc it makes sense of her own situation and helps confirm that needing upport sometimes isn't necessarily a 'bad' thing, or an intrusion...

 

Dunno, but if she seems happy I'd be happy with that, and if she says she isn't bua actually it appears that she is i'd assume she is but having trouble admiting it! All very complicated! , but then being a teenager is, isn't it?

 

[Suze]

If it were me ...........I think I,d give the gran a ring , just introduce myself and say hi.I,d try to be- friend him a bit and suss the situation out, cos then you,ll be able to get the dynamics of the friendship.Then I,d be pleased for dd for making friends and for supporting her mate .It,s hard not to worry but I,m sure it,ll work out o.k., best wishes suzex

[Shnoing]

If he's autistic and she's able to relate to him then I think it sounds positive. Of course you might have a chat with his Nan to get a feeling about his family.

But how do I find out if DD is happy?

You could ask her 'bluntly'. But maybe she cannot put her feelings into words, so you might have to wait for the answer.

Edited May 25, 2008 by Shnoing

[hev]

hello viper <'> lovely to see you on here again

i would do as suze says and give the nan a ring to introduce yourself,i bet the nan is pleased that her grandson has got such a caring friend as your dd,just go with the flow,i reckon you will soon know if there are any problems

[Viper]

Thanks folks for your replies. I would ring the Nan but I have no idea of the number and DD only has Sams mobile, I'll try to get it though.

 

Since DD befriended Sam he has "come out" to his Nan and brother. This was down to DDs suport and help. His family were fine about it so Sam was relieved. Sam also says DD helps him with his social skills.

 

I have also stumbled upon a reason why he doesn't like looking at people. DD told me he said he can't see himself when he looks in the mirror and has trouble telling the difference between male and female. I think from what he is saying he may have prosopagnosia (SP?) face blindness.