Supermarkets

[Minxygal]

Im running a campaign at our local carnival called Stop Think and its aimed the community and explaining why supermarkets are scary tough places for our kids and how difficult it is when people make comments about behaviours.

 

 

I have a whole side of a board I want to fill with some of the horrid things that people have said to us and our kids in the past.

 

 

Does anyone have any experiences they'd be happy to share?

 

Also any insight the kids might have shared about them would be good.

 

Mandx

[loobylou2]

I remember being out shopping with my daughter when she was quite small, she had a major meltdown because it was too bright for her and very busy. One old lady walked past, turned to me and said "I do feel sorry for parents like you with children like that" and proceded to tell my dd to grow up and behave like a good girl!

[Minxygal]

Thanks hun, that's exactly the sort of thing Im looking for.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Been in a position where I felt it necessary to tell people about R having AS and the response being 'He doesn't have autism, I've seen a child with autism and he looks nothing like that'. Also been told 'he needs a good smack' (like that would help!). 'I blame the parents for not disciplining that child properly'. Gosh, list could go on and on!

 

Caroline.

[smiley]

Sat morning.......... in big supermarket............. monkey got himself stuck and people ran to help - which made him scream...........

 

Little old lady walking by.........

 

"Dear, you really shouldn't bring a child like that out at the weekends - not with the normal people, it's not nice"

 

 

Just had a mum email me - she's just had a couple shouting at her in the middle of the shop telling her to "Control your f'in, spastic child".

 

[justamum]

In my local shops and supermarket, local is with 20 miles for me, I have had no problems really. I put a lot of that down to the fact I have been seen with my lad and the initial stares have gone and also as he is getting older it is VERY obvious something is a miss with him as he talks like a little boy and he is 12 very soon!

 

It also helps that the shops are in small towns and not large towns or cities.

 

Today in the library we had such a good reaction from the librarian when my lad was becoming stressed. We had a previous conversation about him being home ed etc several weeks ago. As soon as he was showing signs the librarian who was helping him find a book rushed his booking out through and made a note to find some more books on the subject for him later.

 

However further a field we get stares. No comments as yet, I think my deliberate glare back says it all to them

 

Dundee the shops are brilliant as there appears to be full understanding of autism problems for the parents of the children....this due to a apparently high portion of ASD children in the area. So they see more children having meltdowns in store and realise the parents are not at fault!

[Tally]

I think there must be something special about supermarkets that turns people into complete ####holes. I don't think they target autistic people specifically. I work in one, and have seen two occasions where dead people were on the receiving end of the very same kind of bigotry. "Can't you just move him out the back? I want some oranges." I think a supermarket could be a scary place for any child whose parent wants to reach across a dead body.

[baddad]

I didn't mind the moaners so much - I could handle that... It was more the ones who rolled their eyes , put on a long suffering face and said 'I've got one like that at home'... I used to smile sweetly and say 'I doubt it'

 

Dunno whether i posted this before, but I took out one of my service users (about 18 stone, profoundly autistic, non-verbal) and after we'd been for our tea and cake in out usual cafe in the garden centre he refused to leave... Couldn't figure out what he wanted, what had distrubed him at all, but he was just rooted to the floor...

A little old lady (must have been about 4ft tall and all of 3 stone in weight) suddenly appeared from nowhere, took his hand and walked him to the door!

He looked even more stunned than we did!

[jb1964]

Hi,

 

At the earliest opportunity we stopped taking our daughter shopping because I couldn't handle all the stares and judgement - it made me a complete nervous wreck.

 

These days we do most of the shopping by internet - but when I do go out I wish the people who do the stopping, staring and commenting would spend more time chastising the parents who speak to their children like dirt - with f***in being every other word in telling them to shut up or stop it - they all turn a blind eye to this behaviour.

 

Take care,

Jb

[Minxygal]

Thank you all so much, keep them coming. I'm hoping that we can educate a few members of the public over the next weekend and will be filling out questionaires with people when they have viewed the displays. I will of course share the results when we have them

 

Thanks again

 

 

Mandx

[Flora]

I remember when Ben was little and non-verbal he used to scream a lot (so loud that I swear he burst my eardrum once), he is also very big for his age so has always been taken for an older child; two older women were chuntering on... the usual stuff 'kids of today' etc, I didn't explain that he had problems I just lost it and shouted 'mind your own business you nosey old bags' .

 

This isn't a personal one: I was in the supermarket by myself a few months ago and there a boy about 8 with his parents. He was obviously autistic and appeared to be non-verbal, he was banging his hand on the counter and screaming (not angry screams, more like happy screams IYKWIM). There was a couple behind me who were muttering and the bloke said to his wife... 'I wish they'd shut that little B*****d up'. I was really really upset, but more so because I didn't have the guts to say anything to them I actually burst in to tears when I got in the car. I felt terrible that I didn't have what ever it takes to say anything; but to be honest for him to come out with something as horrid as that it probably would have been a waste of time anyway because some people are just terminally ignorant and you might as well save your breath.

 

Flo'

[Kathryn]

Supermarkets seem to be quite good at accommodating physical disability these days but I think they still remain autism unfriendly places. I remember L who had just started to shop by herself, approaching the checkout nervously and being so bewildered by the assistant's attempt to make small talk, that she just didn't answer. As she walked away the assistant turned to her colleague and said, "how rude!" L was in tears.

 

K x

[bluefish]

My little man has an obsession with supermarkets! can you imagine! So I have had every comment known to man kind. The staff are all great at his favorate one, and know us well. We first eat in the cafe,same thing everytime..then he likes to shop. It has to be a trolly and he likes to see it full! Unfortunatley he gets very over excited and over stimulated so his behavior can be rather loud and unpredictable to say the least! But to see his face is the best feeling ever I guess a bit like a trip to Disney for another child.

People are cruel, "Give him a dam good slap,that will sort him out"

"I blame the parents"(said in very loud voice next to me)

"If he was mine I wouldn't put up with that disgusting behavior"

"If you can't control your child don't bring him to a public place"

" for god's sake I wish she would take that little brat out"

To name but a few! As he is still quite young (4 1/2) It is assumed he is a brat and I am a bad mother.

I have got a thick skin now and have said in response" I am so sorry is my autistic child ruining your shopping experience today?"

My mum find's it much harder and I have actually got ds a i'm not naughty I'm autistic t-shirt that she puts him in as she gets very upset by comments and it gives her confidence.

I have met a couple of understanding people........... One woman approached me when ds was having the mother of all meltdowns in a shopping centre,he was screaming, kicking ,biting and I couldn't get him off the floor(without risk of injury to either of us) i thought she was going to say something horrible( as crowd had started to gather to watch our distress)

She simply said you will need a hand with your bags they look really heavy which way is your car! she was lovelly to the screaming ds and between us we got to the car and I was able to calm him down! So I guess there are some people who understand but then she probably had a child/relative/friend on the spectrum!

[madme]

I remember being in a shop where a young child was having a melt down. It was very obvious to me that he was autistic. His mum was very upset by other shoppers response. I just went up to her and said that she should ignore them. Helped her with her shopping and I didn't say the "a " word - she told me and we then had a nice chat. I can recall so many times leaving a shop red faced and embarassed. Once in France I gave a french woman a mouthful on the beach as she stood there muttering about my son's behaviour- she had no idea that I could understand her. - Have to say though my son used to be able to clear a beach in minutes- which can be useful!

[sesley]

the most my son has done in a supermarket,is 1 climb up high stock ladders that reach the roof and give the stockys a fright,2, push on alarmed doors because he has a obcession about exit doors and yes alarmed doors make a racket and 3 he has stood in fron of the on tellys getting all excited about whats on and people gawping at his dancing and flapping, he has stood in front of a queue to a cash card machine palying with the buttons, he rides in the trolley he is 8 and he has wondered off,while we are at checkouts,we in a flap,not knowing where he is,get the security guards to pan the store with cameras,to find him watching the cafe community tv,completely in affected by our distress meltowns at school plenty,watched by other parents of course, our action over the years has been to take him when it gets quiet and give him the shopping list and get him to push the trolley and find whats on his list,ovedr the eyars things have got better,but i feel for you all suffering the gawps from stupid joe public,the worst are the childless couples and the OAP's who would say they didn't have such things in their day.

[bid]

I wonder whether it's children in general??

 

Can't remember any comments about Auriel (although I may have been so stressed out I didn't notice ) but I vividly remember a foul man saying 'Can't you shut it up' about my eldest DD who was crying (she was really ill with her asthma - partially collapsed lung - but I had no choice but to go to the supermarket)

 

BD has reminded me about a foray I had into a supermarket with a group of the young people I work with when I was day staff. I was holding the hand of one lad who was a teenager, but developmentally about 12 months or so. Just as we walked past a dear little old lady he suddenly lunged forward and ripped her glasses off her face! I just wanted to die, had to grapple with my lad to retrieve her glasses, he's really excited and shouting 'Ah ah ah', I'm desperately apologising...And bless her, she just said 'Don't worry, dear' <'> <'>

 

Bid

[Kathryn]

Slight digression: but some parents can be horrible in shops and give children a bad reputation.

 

This morning I was clothes shopping (as you do ) and witnessed a mother shouting at a very active toddler who was merely trying to explore his environment and get between the racks of clothes - not the ones she wanted to look at. She kept shouting at him, yanking back on his reins and saying "xxx you are a nightmare!" etc.. etc..

 

I felt like one of those crabby old women and just wanted to say to her, "you can't go browsing in New Look until your child is at least 5 years old and at school. Get over it."

 

K x

[Imelda]

Darlings we love to shop!

 

My darling son has had many a meltdown, and stripped off a lot in our Asda. We have always had the attitude he has to fit into the world, the world aint gonna change for him.

I spent soooo long getting them to move the chocolate from the checkouts. Ta Da! The squeky wheel gets the oil, they got sick and tired of me moaning but hey, am i bovered? It worked and they moved it.

I have cards in my purse explaining that my son has autism, i got sick of telling the whole shop he had problems.

He prefers Morrisons, untill the loud speaker comes on that is!

 

I think it all depends on my mood. Sometimes comments go over my head, sometimes i have to snap an answer back at them, sometimes i have to fight back the tears, not as often now i hasten to add.

[sesley]

i think we are great parents and our little angles are unique they are all jealous they don't have one like them lets have a drink and toast our gifts

[CEJesson]

I posted this in another thread that was of similar relevance:

 

Well my father came to the conclusion that the idea of 'me having aspergers' was made up specifically to speed up the court order for him not to see me. - 6 years later, he wrote a letter saying that there was nothing wrong with me, to buck my ideas up and I should have tried to be like everyone else. Getting irate is what we all do and your problems are no more exemplary than anybody elses, apparently.

 

My grandparents didnt really have much input or understanding, they were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

 

I take the "I cant notice it" comments as a compliment usually nowadays, but sometimes people mean it as in "You dont look like there is anything wrong with you" and when you do try and explain its like pulling teeth to get them to accept it. For example "I get very anxious" reply: "dont we all do that?"

 

Its always very difficult explaining AS to someone in person, its been one of the more challenging aspects.

 

Shopping was probably one of the worst experiences. Supermarkets would be both a haven/paradise and a dungeon at the same time because in one part you'd have the magazines selling Thomas the Tank Engine videos where you'd be in awe, and there would be another part that was too bustling and noisy that it was too much to handle! (leading to tantrums, pushing things off shelves etc) The worst culprits who were against such behaviour were those who didnt necessarily speak, but tutted instead, LOUDLY.

[Imelda]

i think we are great parents and our little angles are unique they are all jealous they don't have one like them lets have a drink and toast our gifts

 

I think me and you gonna be great mates

[Minxygal]

I just wanted to thank everyone who shared experiences for this campaign.

The campaign was named Smile Dont Tut our slogan said an understanding smile is so much better than a tut and was aimed at getting people to realise how much harder it was to get through some of the experiences we have while out shopping when people are making judgements about our children and our parenting. I used many of the experiences you shared on a display board and I promise you some people were shocked by some of them mean things that were said. We also had information about the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown as well as info about why supermarkets are sensory nightmares for some children.

We went to the local carnival to kick things off and we all wore Tshirts that said Smile don't Tut and we got members of the public filling out questionaires which at the end asked them to pledge to smile rather than tut if they saw a child kicking off in a supermarket in the future.

 

83 people at the carnival filled out a questionaire.

I can tell you that 3% of the people we spoke to didnt know that children on the autistic spectrum look the same as other children.

83% of them had heard of the organisation we run, which was great as obviously all the awareness we are doing in our community is having an effect.

 

But best of all a massive 95% pledged to think differently and said that in the future they would try to smile and not tut if they saw a child.

 

 

Its a small start, but it is a start and we are now talking to some of the big supermarket chains in our area about taking it into them. I just wanted to thank everyone who helped out by sharing their experiences. Much appreciated.

[bikemad]

It isnt so much what is said round here but the looks you get-the other day I took my ds to the cafe in the supermarket cos it was quieter than the main shop n he needed some space-he had 4 hash browns n red sauce...the looks I got you wouldn't believe n an old bloke said why dont you make him eat more stuff.......errr why dont you mind your own business!!!!! The cub leader aswel drove me mad cos she would say well other aspies kids aint like your ds crying all the time....might have something to do with the fact all kids are different!!!!!!

[hedders]

Better late then never, dd hates crowded rooms so supermarkets is her nightmare experience

she also gets carried away by colours and lights so leads to behavioural problems and then has an urge to buy something for comfort.

 

She talks to me as if im ###### very bad attitude in public places wonders off and never waits with me at the till.

 

Youngest well she on her own - goes off does what she wants to do i spend majority of my time structing a routine inside the supermarket so ususally i have to prepare a shopping list before i go.

CONSTANT STARES from people and comments get told i got naughty girls and they dont listen to me AND TOLD WELL WE KNOW WHOS BOSS IN YOUR FAMILY.

 

I tend not to take them shopping unless i have structured it well but i dont think they benefit from this as im not teaching basic life skills.

Honestly when i go to any shop im saying we will get this, then do this, that and that stand there wait, dont move, help me with this etc... it goes on and on i used to enjoy shopping not any more

 

Recently dd whos 7 saw a class mate as she was excitied to see her she barked, crawed on the floor jumping shouting wow the amount of people who huffed and puffed

Edited July 25, 2008 by hedders

[morgan and alexandra]

Our DD now 9 wouldn't get out of her pushchair till she was 5 so shopping wasnt really too bad then as she couldnt do anything much and we could rush round the supermarket quite quickly.

 

Now however, It's a nightmare, I am often on my knees walking her round the shops and talking her through and trying to distract her by getting her to look for things in the shop. It has proved to be quite useful if I'm with my hubby as he can shop while I distract. If we are on our own however, Its a nightmare, she screeches, runs off, touches everything and loses her cool very easily.

 

We went to a DIY store recently and DD wasnt coping well so we let her climb into the trolley, the staff were great but a woman (customer) had a go at our other daughter who was just watching her while we looked at paint. I was furious that they didnt have the guts to come to us as adults and would prefer to have a go at a 13 year old girl.

 

We get all the stares and a friend has said she doesn't know how I remember what to buy in shops as she saw for the first time what we are up against....lol. I dont really care what people think as our DD gives us a lot of joy too and I think that if we protect her from things like shopping or going out in public places then it will make things harder for her in the future. My role as a parent is to equip our daughter with as many of lifes skills as I can however hard it is and if other people dont like it then its their problem.

[sesley]

hello,back from our holidays at haven holidays in a caravan in Berwick, lovelry weather,loverly beach, on way back stopped at Perth tescos, he has been wanting a ds lite super mario brothers game for a while,so went to look, didn't have what he wanted, so screaming on the floor with gawping joe public being entertained,me, i just shut them out ,and picked up a ot the car, i put into practise,of ignoring them concentrated on p,its hard to do,as you can feel the eyes in your direction, my oh had my bag and he said afterwards a lady,said "is he alright?"he has autism he said to her, thought so,she said, i have a son on the spectrum too, so the conclusion,is that some of the on lookers will have some experience of autism.and to stay calm and look after p,when he and have a when you are calm it helps.

[Juney]

Hi

Reading this has brought tears to my eyes, my son is now 12 but when he was a toddler shopping was a total nightmare after a bad experience in Tesco ( the usual comments from other shoppers) I literally refused to go out of the house with the children for months. 3 months later I did and had a man came up to my face very aggressively and said 'Shut your f***** kid up ' then he proceeded to follow us around, I dived into the nearest shop BHS and went to the cafe and phoned my husband up who was working 25miles away asking him to pick me up. I was in tears.( All this was before diagnosis - so I DID think it was me and my poor parenting skills. I dread to think how insecure the kids must have felt with mum in tears everytime we went out!

My son was diagnosed several years after this. I just wish I had known I wasnt the only one at the time as it wrecked my confidence for years.

Gradually I've put strategies in place but shopping trips are half an hour long at the most and we have to stick to the list no matter what.

Juney

Edited August 3, 2008 by Juney