Lonely Aspergers wife

[aspiewife]

Hi is there anyone out there who is in similar circumstances as myself?>I have an aspergers husband (lots of fun!) Plus an asperger daughter who also has selective mutism and I think I'm losing the will for life I do have a son who is normal but hyperactive.

What do you do when your spouse ignores you and the kids and is very selfish has an obbsession with envelopes we have many cardboard boxes in our house to many to count.No conversations no comforting no nothing I'm married to mr Frosty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Don't mention education I'm fed up with school and psychs and everything just want to go some where not sure where well feel better for this rant please send me some feedback as I haven't had a descent conversation with anyone because no one knows what it's like to live in my world speak to who ever soon N

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I do sympathise. I have a 6.5 year old son who has AS. It was only after my son was diagnosed that the same specialists that saw my son tactfully asked about my husband - and then it finally dawned on me ...... reasons why hubby can be obsessive, can appear to be selfish, has mood swings, refuses to attend events such as my graduation, etc etc. My husband remains undiagnosed, but it's now obvious - and interesting that even my son's specialist mentioned it. I can recollect only too well the mixture of emotions I felt the day we were given a formal diagnosis for my so. I bawled my eyes out, out of sheer relief that I finally had a reason for my son's behaviour. I also recall that my husband showed not emotion and did not react at all to the news - and that didn't go unnoticed. It can be incredibly lonely. I work full-time and that really keeps me going. I think they key is to finding something that's for you, whether it be a hobby, circle of friends, gym class. You need time out of from it because you've a daughter and a husband both on the spectrum and that's hard!

 

Try and keep your chin up.

 

Caroline.

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

It sounds like you and your husband need to come to a compromise about the things you find hard to tolerate. Have you tried relationship counselling at all? Relate and the like are becoming more and more aware about AS and might have someone who can help you with this.

 

There are now several books about Asperger relationships that you might find helpful.

 

I have read Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford, who is married to a man with AS. I am the one with AS, but my mum read it and tried out some of the techniques suggested with my dad (who has many traits of AS but no formal diagnosis), and found it made a big difference to her.

[mummy]

Oh yes! I know.

i have Asperger's hubby, Aspergers 15 yr old son and 12 yr old son ADHD, and I have unDx ADD.

 

I have read loads and loads on Aspergers and so has my hubby. He has learned coping strategies to live with his and he tries to be understanding to my needs as a wife but just doesn't get it bless 'im.

if I say to him, it would be really nice if we could judst sit down together and chat like normal people, and he says 'Ok - what time do you want to do it and what would you like to talk about?' AARRGGHH!!!!

general conversation just doesn't work, he can only see the point in talking if it is a 'fact gathering exercise' (his words)

he shows no excitement about anything, but he tells me if he's not complaining then assume he's happy.

 

I have just learnt to be understanding, and I have discovered over the years (we have been married for 16) what I can reasonably expect althought he still sometimes exasperates me. he is still learning too but will never be a truly understanding husband and will certainly never be my soulmate. I know we are important to him though and that he loves us in his own way, and I have discovered that we both like walking and enjoy the countryside so it is somethimg we can do together.

 

Sorry I waffle now, but you are not alone.

if you would like to talk feel free to email me.

 

Mummy

[Beebo]

Hi

 

I too have a ASSD son and hubby - it is lonely, very frustrating and the lack of empathy is awful, especially when I lost a baby , he never really acknowledged what I had to go through.

At the moment both my boys are reading 'The Blue Bottle Mystery' Kathy Hoopman - amazing ...they are BOTH recognizing a lot about themselves.

[bid]

I'm sorry, and I'm really not trying to start an argument

 

I have AS, and my DH is NT, yet he does some of the things cited here as examples of 'awful AS behaviour'.

 

For example, when I lost a baby, he was absolutely dreadful to me, not because he was NT (or AS), but because it was something that he personally found almost impossible to deal with.

 

And I can think of loads of perfectly NT men who don't 'talk'.

 

As I say, I'm really not trying to start an argument, but if your husbands are so awful to live with, why did you marry them in the first place? They can't have suddenly become autistic, so surely you knew what they were like? I'm not trying to be aggressive here, I genuinely don't understand this?

 

Bid

Edited June 13, 2008 by bid

[pearl]

I've been married for over 30 years to Mr p, who is strongly Aspie though has never been dx'd. It was only learning about JP that made us realise, & knowing our different ways of thinking has helped us make it work.

 

There are things about him that drive me mental, yes (& I'm sure he'd say the same about me) but I reckon his Aspie-ness is a very positive thing too. He is straightforward, egalitarian, single minded, utterly loyal, stoical, steadfast, a brilliant Dad in that he took fathering & his role very seriously & played a major part in raising our children, rarely has a bad word to say about anyone, I could go on, and I dont know whether any of that is due to his AS or if he'd have been like that anyway.

 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, we knew nothing about autism when we got together - but his qualities attracted me. And that didnt change when we became aware of autism & how it may have made him the person he is. And when we go through a rough patch, I try & remind myself of that.

[Bard]

Do you remember that there was a couple of threads in the post adolescent section about being married to an Aspie?

 

I agree with you Bid, you should know someone well before you marry them, accept that what you get is what you have and that to try and change them is unfair and rather pointless. Why make two people unhappy or uncomfortable?

 

This goes for any man, I'm currently sharing the staffroom with a woman who has been married for 4 years and has spent three and a half of them thinking her man will ditch football and come and choose curtains and enjoy gardening.

Aint gonna happen, he's always been a fan and will be buried in his kit. He's NT.

 

So I'm married to someone with no small talk and no cuddles on the sofa, and who will give an honest opinion if you ask him what he thinks, just like his son. I have a few hobbies, a full time job, two children and a husband and I get by.

 

You sound depressed and lonely, but you need to act upon that for yourself. Change one thing, find a space for yourself, a book club, a hobby, a walk once a week, a swim something.

Caroline gave you the solution really

" I think the key is to finding something that's for you, whether it be a hobby, circle of friends, gym class. You need time out of from it because you've a daughter and a husband both on the spectrum and that's hard!'

[Minxygal]

I understand, my husband is an Aspie and although I love him with all my heart I do feel there are things that I am unable to get from him, emotional support being the most noticable.

It's not enough to say why did you marry him. I work with a lot of families where dad is also on the spectrum. I have a lot of aspies as friends and lots of their wives too and one of the things that many of them have said is that their partners were very good at 'wooing' and were very attentive when they first met. Theres a lot of literature out there about how to woo and lots of info on the TV and I hear stories of dozens of roses, romantic meals, all those lovely thing s that would convince a woman that she were in heaven. My husband was the same. Yes there were lots of quirky little things about him that I thought were a bit unusual but amongst all the flowers and the attention I thought I could live with them. When we got married however he'd done what he needed to do to 'win' me and basically stopped trying because he didnt see the point. We've been married for 19 years this year and I have two, now adult, sons on the spectrum. As I said I love him dearly but when it finally dawned on us that he was on the spectrum I grieved in the same way I did for the boys, but it also reassured me that many of the selfish acts, many of the times when I felt he was ignoring me because he chose to, many of the times I had argued with him (my hubby shuts down at the raising of a voice) begging for change he wasn't purposely not listening he wasnt purposely ignoring, he just didnt understand or see the point or infact hadnt heard me because in the same way the boys shut down so had he.

My husband is an amazing man, he's a breath of fresh air in a stuffy room. He can make people laugh and is not afraid to make conversation with anyone. However, when my boys are in meltdown, when I need help to manage a situation my husband is still the class clown, is still messing around and if the situation is loud enough and stressful enough he can go into meltdown too and I have to take control of the whole situation on my own.

At these times I feel like a single parent, at these times I feel sometimes like I have another child and I feel very lonely.

As I have said, I love my husband and he brings a lot to our marriage, I sometimes think only an Aspie would choose to be married to me lol, but it doesn't stop me feeling lonely and missing being able to talk things through, being able to open my heart to someone who really understands. I can't do that with my husband, and believe me it's not through lack of trying.

For me the key has been to find a good support network and I use my friends for that. I have explained to my husband that there are things I need that he is unable to give me. I need someone to tell me they understand when I'm hurt or tired or feeling that the world has it in for me. Sometimes I need someone to be able to look at me and know Im close to tears or Ive had enough, my husband doesnt have the ability to do that. I need someone to give me a hug when I need it and not after I've asked for it, if that makes sense. I get that from my friends now and my husband accepts that, as I think do some of their husbands who are similar.

 

Please don't say I shouldn't have married him if thats the case, we have a good life together and I love him loads, but he is also exasperating and hard to live with, especially when I am stressed and want to escape the confines of autism for a time or two. The definition of 'normal' is said to be the majority, in that case in my house its normal to be on the spectrum and for me it can be a really lonely place and yes, I hear you saying that I must be hard work at times too, too right but then Ive already said how special my hubby is haven't I, doesnt mean that somethings cant be wrong or missing in a relationship.

 

Discussions like this are important. Unless these things are talked through marriages break down and that affects everyone It helps to realise that other families are similar and that other people feel the same.For many of us who have ASD partners we can;t talk to our partners about this osrt of thing, they go on the defensive, as many do on here, or they block it out or are unable to understand, sometimes the way to get that understnading, to realise that you are not alone is to talk to other wives, other people who live in similar relationships. Yes having an ASD is socially excluding and confusing and hard work, so is living with it in my opinion. Would I have a quieter life if I were a single parent..yes I think so.

Would I manage the boys better.. Yes I think so too. Would I miss my husband, god yes and thats why we are still here. I do feel there is a tendancy on this site for it to become them and us and for every thread like this to become a fight. I can assure you that I have read every word I have written here to my husband and he is in agreement and doesnt mind me sharing this with you.

This is a site for support, for everyone living with ASD as far as I was aware and this is a subject that many of us need support with.

[bid]

I do feel there is a tendancy on this site for it to become them and us and for every thread like this to become a fight. This is a site for support, for everyone living with ASD as far as I was aware and this is a subject that many of us need support with.

 

I'm sorry, but why do you feel this has become a fight?

 

I did say I wasn't trying to start an argument, but I guess I may express an opinion too?

 

When I read your description of your DHs, I thought that it sounded like the things I've heard very many women say about their husbands who are presumably NT.

 

It just concerns me that any 'negative' things are ascribed to autism, yet every one of those things can be applied to men (people??) who aren't autistic.

 

I'm not saying your husbands aren't like you describe, but I'm interested to understand why you think the negative things are exclusively due to their possible autism?

 

For example, the thing about 'wooing' you...isn't that what a great many men do when they really like a woman, and then very few continue at that intensity. It's like the huge ammount of effort that women put into their grooming at the start of a relationship...but most of us don't maintain those impossibly high standards forever!

 

Bid

Edited June 13, 2008 by bid

[Minxygal]

Hi Bid, I didn't mean that this thread had become I fight I was just trying to get across that in the past these sorts of threads do end up locked and angry. I for one welcome your opinion, its something I have craved from my husband over the years.

 

As for my wooing comment, believe me I'm not saying these things without having spoken to many couples where one of them is on the spectrum and in fact what many of them say (Including my husband) is that wooing is often really easy as its an easy role play character to get into, its often the most practical side of the whole experience and part of the 'process' when it comes to finding a partner. I suppose I should also mention that while I have been trying to explain how difficult it is as the wife to stay in a relationship with an Aspie, many Aspies have told me that if their wives were to deny them 'carnal privilages' (Trying really hard not to out this in a way some of the youngsters might not get ..lol) they wouldn't stay in the relationship either cos there wouldn't be any point. It's not the dropping of standards, in fact many have described it as the dropping of an act, a means to an end, if you know what I mean.

 

It for me, is understanding that many of the negative things about my husband are because of his autism that keeps us together. Believe me, if I thought my husband purposely laughed when I cried or ignored me when I am obviously hurting I would leave him tommorrow.

My husband shows his love in other ways. He has me on a pedistal. I can do no wrong to him. If we have dinner and he is dishing up the biggest portion goes to me, not the kids which is my natural instinct or to him. If my house were on fire I have no doubt that he would save me first not the kids as it is me who meets his needs. While this is lovely it also increases the burden of responsibility on me and my anxieties about the boys who I naturally give priority to.

[bid]

Phew!

 

Don't you also think, though, that the dynamic within any relationship is the product/sum of both people?

 

And that at a subconcious level people are drawn to each other for very many reasons, including so-called 'negative' characteristics? I mean, for example, someone with AS might be attracted to someone who had difficulties with emotional/expressive communication because of their background, who in turn would be attracted to the person with AS because they wouldn't make the same emotional/communication 'demands' as other less 'emotionally repressed' NTs.

 

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I feel everything you have said about AS men in a relationship could be said of just as many NT men, too...

 

Bid

[Kathryn]

I just want to say, welcome to the forum, aspiewife.

 

You've started a good discussion here, not bad for a first post! You did say you wanted a decent conversation. .

 

Dealing with the educational issues alone can be draining without the relationship problems as well. Stick around, there's lots of support to be had from the wonderful people on this forum.

 

K x

[Minxygal]

Absolutely , and as I have already stated I'm not sure anyone else could put up with me.

Yeah, you're right people are drawn to each other for different reasons and if I didn't have two boys on the spectrum who needed a lot of time and energy it wouldnt be as much of an issue as I would no doubt have more time and energy to cope. I don't though and I suppose that is a major factor.

There is a lot of good in my husband and he has a lot of unique abilities that I love that I think are present because of his ASD, things like the way he can follow instructions to the letter and the way he is able to carry on when the world sees to be falling arounds about us. All relationships are hard work and the hardest thing for me has been understanding what he is unable to change and learning to accept that and satisfying my need to be listen to and understood with my friends. It's also helped for me to put the energies I used shouting at him into explaining to him and helping him understand.

[bid]

Yes, welcome to the forum Aspiewife

 

Bid

[Tally]

I think people are less likely to talk about the positives unless specifically asked, because they don't need support in dealing with them.

 

And sometimes you don't know someone as well as you think until you know them. Also, at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is going well, a person's autistic features may be less apparent. Even if you think you know someone really well, you don't necessarily know how they will be under different circumstances.

[Sooze2]

Just edited to say - this is really long, I didn't realise how long untill I posted it!! Sorry! I'm new to this site and seem to have got a bit over excited!

 

We are sure my husband has Aspergers as well as my son, DH has never thought our son has a problem but was just difficult and "doing it to wind us up" up untill recently. A couple of weeks ago I made him read the reports from the Child expert and from his teacher and DH was shocked and said "they could be writing about me" that is when he realised and I started to relax a little because he started to understand. This was only a couple of weeks ago.

 

He's what I would call a solid, dependable man, he's charming with others and people and think I'm very lucky - I am very lucky but he's not like that with me. He is always reliable. He drives for a living and if I phone him he will always have time to talk, its the only time I can talk to him because there are no distractions and I can't see that he isn't looking at me and he can't walk off half way through a conversation whistling so phoning him when I want to talk works well for us, especially if I need to discuss DS. If I didn't phone we would never have a proper conversation. I love the sound of his voice on the phone.

 

If freinds visit he is very charming and attentive to them, if they are my freind he doesn't realise that I may like to talk to them too and dominates the conversation which usually turns into a discussion about his work. You see the persons eyes glaze over. The other week my freind mentioned that she was taking her car to the garage because it kept stalling and she couldn't get it started again - he spent the next hour telling her what he thought the problem was and how to fix it - he didn't notice that she was bored with the conversation after 5 minutes and had no intention of putting overalls on and doing it herself so he droned on and on! We don't really mind because we love him, but it's irritating. When someone very close to us is here we just exchange looks and start busying ourself around him, he doesn't notice as long as we say "oh yeah" occationally. When we're on our own I have to give him my undivided attention when he s talking or get gets very annoyed, when I talk he doesn't listen at all which I find very very upsetting.

 

He is very tolerant of the kids most of the time. He can't function unless there is a lot of noise. They could be killing each other and he wouldn't notice. The other week DS threw my 5 year old daughter out of the trampoline, she was screeming - DH didn't react even though DD was badly hurt. He has to have either loud music on or TV on very loudly or he hums, whistles, taps constantly. When he isn't here I enjoy the silence and he can't understand it at all. He can't see any dangers when it comes to the children or even the dog! I often say "quick get so and so" he just stands there so off I run. His favourite phrase is "they'll sort themselves out"

 

He can't show affection unless I ask for it and then he is like wood, if I ask for a hug he says why. I can relate to Minxygal totally. If I am upset, even cry he will never comfort me. I was put on anti depressants for a while when my twins were 5 months - he said "god how do you think that makes me feel!" and got very angry. He didn't realise that because he wasn't listening to how I felt and didn't help at all with the kids was part of the reason I was depressed. I was diagnosed with rhumatiod arthritus, he said "great thats the end of my life then, I'll be pushing you around in a wheel chair soon" no sympathy, no hugs nothing he was only concerned with how it affected him. He doesn't meen it though, he does care but he says things without thinking and doesn't realise how much it upsets people. He isn't a nasty person at all, he just can't help it. I read him an article about Aspeis and love, it mentioned that the person couldn't understand why their partner needed affection and to be told they loved them saying "I told her I loved her once, she knows!" we laughed because he has said that to me loads of times!

 

Some days he's hyper, talking constantly and coming out with silly jokes and sarcastic comments all day long and can't understand why I snap at him by the end of the day. Other days he has a face like thunder and you have one word conversations unless he wants to rant about something.

 

He doesn't see the need for freinds and can't see why I need to socialise. He has never phoned his freinds or family unless I nag about it for weeks, I stopped naging in the end and now no one phones - his freinds are gone. Its a shame.

 

I feel like a single mother of four rather than a married mother of three most of the time, it IS a lonley place to be.

I love him, I do but sometimes its hard.

 

I hope I haven't upset anyone, but I wanted to reply because when I read this post I agreed with it all.

Edited June 13, 2008 by Sooze2

[Tally]

Sooze, it's great you have found some solutions, like ringing him while he is driving. Some people wouldn't be able to find solutions like that and would be left feeling "he never talks to me," so maybe your post will help other people find solutions, and you might find some solutions to the other things you struggle with.

 

I don't think anyone needs to be upset, because people are just talking about the way they feel, and they have a right to ask for support. People have tried to help me understand when I have had problems with other people, and no one said they felt that I was criticising anyone's NT-ness.

[pearl]

I just want to say, welcome to the forum, aspiewife.

 

You've started a good discussion here, not bad for a first post! You did say you wanted a decent conversation. .

 

Dealing with the educational issues alone can be draining without the relationship problems as well. Stick around, there's lots of support to be had from the wonderful people on this forum.

 

K x

 

yes, got caught up in the discussion, welcome <'> As you can see there are lots of different experiences & perspectives here which is why this place is so valuable.

[Bagpuss]

Fascinating reading

 

Welcome to the forum Aspiewife

[cmuir]

As I say, I'm really not trying to start an argument, but if your husbands are so awful to live with, why did you marry them in the first place? They can't have suddenly become autistic, so surely you knew what they were like? I'm not trying to be aggressive here, I genuinely don't understand this?

 

Bid

 

Hi

 

Fair question to ask. In my case, my husband isn't unbearable - he has his faults just as I have mine. It's partially about acceptance - that's the way he is and him having AS explains (and in some cases, excuses) a lot. That said, I appreciate not all behaviours are attributable to AS.

 

Caroline.

[cmuir]

I feel like a single mother of four rather than a married mother of three most of the time, it IS a lonley place to be.

I love him, I do but sometimes its hard.

 

 

Hi

 

Ditto! I feel like that quite a lot. I feel like I have to shoulder a lot on my own because my hubby can't deal with certain things. My hubby has a lot of good qualities too - he's incredibly hardworking, loyal/dependable/etc. I love him - 'warts and all'.

 

C.

[mossgrove]

As I say, I'm really not trying to start an argument, but if your husbands are so awful to live with, why did you marry them in the first place? They can't have suddenly become autistic, so surely you knew what they were like? I'm not trying to be aggressive here, I genuinely don't understand this?

 

Every person is different but I think there are cases where an Aspies husband/wife to be becomes their special interest and is showered with interest and affection in the early part of the relationship. This isn't 100% the same thing as forming a long-term empathy-driven emotional attachment but it can be vey hard to tell the difference until much later. As time ( and special interests) move on an emotional distance can appear that the NT partner may find especially disconcerting as their husband/wife may not appear outwardly to be concerned at all by this.

 

This phenomenon is by no means unique to Aspies as many men do appear to 'stop trying' but it can sometimes be more exaggerated where one of the partners in the marriage has Aspergers.

 

 

Simon

[Frangipani]

Hi is there anyone out there who is in similar circumstances as myself?>I have an aspergers husband (lots of fun!) Plus an asperger daughter who also has selective mutism and I think I'm losing the will for life I do have a son who is normal but hyperactive.

What do you do when your spouse ignores you and the kids and is very selfish has an obbsession with envelopes we have many cardboard boxes in our house to many to count.No conversations no comforting no nothing I'm married to mr Frosty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Don't mention education I'm fed up with school and psychs and everything just want to go some where not sure where well feel better for this rant please send me some feedback as I haven't had a descent conversation with anyone because no one knows what it's like to live in my world speak to who ever soon N

 

Hi Aspiewife,

 

Welcome to the forum. Lots of stress on any relationship can make any relationship feel like this. We all deal with stress in different ways. I guess once you get the right support and your childrens special needs are addressed you and hubby will naturally get back to where you were. There are lots of resources and helpful people on this forum that have felt exactly like you. Its hard, but you sound like a very strong and determined person and you are here because you care and want to make things work. You will get there, you need to take some time for you too. Perhaps a hobby.

 

I have had a long term Aspie and NT relationship, I cant compare them. Its wrong to try. I prefer my Aspie relationship though as I always knew where I stood.

 

It at the end of the day is striking a balance. Whether Aspie or NT. There is no difference in my opinion, men are different to women.

 

Women need womens social groups, coffee buddies, hobby groups, because often their hubbies careers demand so much of them they never get to see them and its quite common for women to say they see more of there female friends than their hubbies.

 

When you have stressful issues that need addressing with your kids when things are not going so well at school, you can feel totally alone because men naturally think and trust, that is the womans job to get things right with the family.

 

You really need to de-stress, both of you, before you can work anything out.

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

All the best to you and your family.

 

Love

Fran x

Edited June 14, 2008 by Frangipani

[pearl]

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I feel everything you have said about AS men in a relationship could be said of just as many NT men, too...

 

I've been thinking a lot about this over the last 24 hours, because at first I agreed with you, bid. But then I thought ... when our AS children are being challenging, & we try & explain to peeps with NT children, one of the infuriating reactions is often, "oh but all children do that". Erm, yes, but what peeps with NT children fail to grasp is the depth & intensity of the behaviour, and where ultimately it is coming from, and the stress it can cause both parents and children.

 

Isn't this the same kind of thing? Yes, NT husbands can be uncommunicative etc etc but I think it has a very different quality about it from the kind of communication difficulties that can arise in an NT/AS relationship. In many ways, NT husbands have less excuse for being uncommunicative as it isn't due to being differently wired!

 

Its just that it feels like a criticism of AS husbands, and it isnt, because its a two way thing and NT behaviour can be just as infuriating to an AS partner I'm sure. But as I tried to express earlier, there are so many positives to AS-ness that I for one am pretty content with the blerks in my life.

 

I dont think I've expressed all that very well, but hey thats nothing new!

[morgan and alexandra]

Oh boy, have I read this thread with interest as lately I have felt very alone in looking after my DD 8 PDD, DD 13 NT, DH ? AS and Nephew 21 ?AS. It can be very lonely in a household where you have to cater for everyone elses needs and everyone ignores your thoughts and feelings. I love my family deeply as I know we all do, but this thread has made me feel much better. Well done Aspiewife for bringing it up and voicing thoughts that many people are feeling. xx

[curlywurly]

Welcome to the forum

 

I'm far to scared to get caught up in all the debate, but I have an aspies son, and a DH with strong aspies traits. I myself also show alot of aspies traits (poor boy never had a chance lOL) - although they are also linked with other conditions, or could just be down to my complete social ineptitude.....

 

Anyway - that's it - just trying to be a bit more vocal on the forum

[Minxygal]

when our AS children are being challenging, & we try & explain to peeps with NT children, one of the infuriating reactions is often, "oh but all children do that". Erm, yes, but what peeps with NT children fail to grasp is the depth & intensity of the behaviour, and where ultimately it is coming from, and the stress it can cause both parents and children.

 

 

I think thats exactly it, and can I just say how refreshing this whole thread has felt for me, it's a difficult subject, especially on a site with both NT and AS peeps and the debate for me has been a welcome one.

 

Mandy

Edited June 14, 2008 by Minxygal

[Delyth]

Hello N

 

I'm an Aspie wife too! I'm not in the same situation as you any more, but I was at one time not so long ago and know it can be very difficult trying to communicate with a husband who has... a communication difficulty. I understand completely. It can get lonely if you and he are not communicating very well, especially if he is unaware that he is not communicating very well!

 

I remember being in that 'phase' and I am trying to remember what I did to stop myself getting overwhelmed..... I think prioritising issues helped - work on one thing at a time? Oh and writing a diary kept me sane too... and recognising that I was dealing with complex issues way beyond my experience and needed some help.

 

I think I also remember living life one hour at a time when things were feeling really tough.....

 

Be kind to yourself... it sounds like you are dealing with a lot!

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

[peaches]

Hello. My husband shows some traits of asperger's, but has never seen anyone about it. Our daughter has aspergers and our grandson is on the autistic spectrum.

 

It is very very difficult to live with a man like this, but sometimes someone else will get through to them and tell them that its no way to treat your wife and family. This is what happened to us, but unfortunately, I divorced him before it happened for unreasonable behaviour. He then had an affair with another woman who did what I couldnt do for 24 years and licked him into shape!

 

It has a happy ending ... we got back together. Our love for our children reunited us. But for years it was assumed I had the problem, until I realised I was just so depressed by living with a man with no empathy etc. He needs someone to teach him how to be a good partner. Its not easy. Good luck...

[BuntyB]

You could say a lot of NT men also lack sensitivity and communication skills. We call them 'typical men', however, there are also a lot of men who are not; what we call 'new man'. If we now think that 1 in 10 children have an ASD, what's to say that adults aren't just the same but undiagnosed? It could be that what we call 'typical man' uncaring, technically preoccupied, selfish and obsessive (usually football!) is just varying degrees on the spectrum!

[BuntyB]

My husband also has AS traits but no dx, and like many, what appealled to me was his predictable and loyal nature. I wouldn't change him, but I also have the problem with the lack of communication and also, dare I mention the lack of intimacy... because that is a problem.

[pearl]

You could say a lot of NT men also lack sensitivity and communication skills. We call them 'typical men', however, there are also a lot of men who are not; what we call 'new man'. If we now think that 1 in 10 children have an ASD, what's to say that adults aren't just the same but undiagnosed? It could be that what we call 'typical man' uncaring, technically preoccupied, selfish and obsessive (usually football!) is just varying degrees on the spectrum!

 

Sorry, don't agree. Its a slippery slope to assume "typical" male behaviour is autistic. I stand by what I say, its the depth, intensity & quality of the social problems, plus the underlying reasons behind it, which is important.

[Delyth]

Hi Pearl

 

I understand Shona to mean the opposite of what you are understanding (!) - I think she means that possibly many men who appear to be "typical" in their difficult or apparently selfish behaviour could actually be on the spectrum. Perhaps in the past with little awareness of ASD's the only explanation for the difficulties was to 'blame maleness' because there was no other hook to hang it on? Just a thought....

 

Simon Baron Cohen's work argues that Autism is at the end of the spectrum of 'maleness'... I am not completely convinced but can see where he is coming from. I haven't read his work for a long time so perhaps I should refer back to it before I comment further...

 

I remember a counsellor that my partner and I visited, being confused about the issues we were presenting to her because I was unable to explain the issues accurately enough due to my lack of understanding. So it seemed to her that the difficulties we were experiencing were down partly to my intolerance of my partner's little habits!! Once I was able to identify and explain our problems in greater detail and give examples she began to understand better. But it was difficult for her to fully appreciate.

 

I think Maxine Aston has said that it is quite common for people to assume that issues are in the 'imagination' of the spouse - on the surface everything seems 'right' and problem free and even from the perspective of the person with AS within the relationship, it could be assumed that all is well. But once you begin to dig deeper, it becomes evident that there is an inability to communicate reciprocally that is creating the problems.

I think she says that one of the main differences between 'typical bad male' behaviour (selfish arrogant etc.) and an ASD is the ability for the person to change... a typical male will have the ability to change and respond appropriately to another persons needs relatively easily if they so wish, where as a person on the spectrum will find it difficult - always, because the AS brain does not have the necessary neurons already in place - they have to be created through cognitive learning and action - a very lengthy process.

 

Anyway...

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

[Mumble]

Simon Baron Cohen's work argues that Autism is at the end of the spectrum of 'maleness'... I am not completely convinced but can see where he is coming from. I haven't read his work for a long time so perhaps I should refer back to it before I comment further...

This is a misinterpretation of SBC's work based on a repeating of what many believe it to be about, often from just the title/descriptions of his book. The extreme male brain theory isn't about autistics being extremely male (which is how many have conceived it and which has been quite unhelpful to females on the spectrum, particularly those who identify as 'feminine' (by which I mean having an identity consistent with being female - I can see I'm getting into dodgy ground here - but generally more feminine things such as an interest in clothes, make-up, etc - which in turn may have diagnostic implications)) but a theory (and it is only a theory) that autism may be caused (in part) by having / having exposure to high levels of testosterone (i.e. the male hormone, hence where the term extreme maleness comes from) in the womb during development. The extreme male brain theory is about brain development, not 'male' behaviours. It is based at a neurological, rather than behavioural, level.

 

Sorry, don't agree. Its a slippery slope to assume "typical" male behaviour is autistic. I stand by what I say, its the depth, intensity & quality of the social problems, plus the underlying reasons behind it, which is important.

This is what (I think) SBC is saying, and I agree Pearl. It doesn't help male autistics to say that they're just being male and to ignore their difficulties; it doesn't help female autistics in terms of their identity, sense of self, and potentially their mental health, to be told they're doing something 'male'. Thinking in terms of male/female is unhelpful, I think, in understanding autism - after all, the different ways we expect males/females/boys/girls to react/interact are predominantly socially driven, whereas autistic behaviours have a neurological basis mediated by social expectations.

 

If we now think that 1 in 10 children have an ASD

Just curious, was that a typo and should it say 1 in 100 which we often hear or have I missed something recent about this?

[bid]

You'll love this one, Mumbles:

 

I had quite extensive counselling for nearly a year with someone who was actually really, really good...but she did make this gob-smacking statement about me:

 

'Well, you may have AS, but you're still all woman!'

 

 

Cue that song 'I'm no laydee but a'm all womaannn!'

 

Bid

[pearl]

You'll love this one, Mumbles:

 

I had quite extensive counselling for nearly a year with someone who was actually really, really good...but she did make this gob-smacking statement about me:

 

'Well, you may have AS, but you're still all woman!'

 

 

Cue that song 'I'm no laydee but a'm all womaannn!'

 

Bid

 

I think we can safely say you have an interest in clothes & make up, bid

Just an aside - JP isn't a "typical" male at all, he is v gentle & sensitive, & is often more "tuned in" than mr p.

[Mumble]

Just an aside - JP isn't a "typical" male at all, he is v gentle & sensitive, & is often more "tuned in" than mr p.

I don't know JP, but I'm not actually convinced that there is really (as an identity) the typical male anymore (or therefore typical female) and that whilst there may be what we call 'typical', males (and indeed females) move in and out of different ways of being in relation to different circumstances, and I do think, because these identities / ways of being are socially conditioned they come from factors so different to the neurological factors of autism/brain development. It's something I don't know enough about but I am really interested in the difference between your sex (i.e. biological) and the implications this has for how you are based on social 'norms' and the more hormonal side and the implications of this for how you see yourself, and then the combination of both in relation to autism (which may / may not have a hormonal/brain development basis). Hmm, confused myself there, I think

 

You'll love this one, Mumbles:

 

I had quite extensive counselling for nearly a year with someone who was actually really, really good...but she did make this gob-smacking statement about me:

 

'Well, you may have AS, but you're still all woman!'

 

 

Cue that song 'I'm no laydee but a'm all womaannn!'

 

Bid

:lol: Thanks, I needed a laugh - now how does being 'all woman' fit in with being 'clinically well dressed'?

 

I think my GP must be related to your counsellor. He's about 200 years old, and I think still retains a little too much of the male/female distinction (he's still good though ) but he came out with a similar classic recently. I have some recent scarring as a result of medical condition in a very prominent position on my face and I've asked about what I can do about it to make it less obvious whilst I'm having treatment and he said "well you might be autistic, but you can still wear makeup." Must update my "How to be Autistic" Rulebook.

[Bard]

Every person is different but I think there are cases where an Aspies husband/wife to be becomes their special interest and is showered with interest and affection in the early part of the relationship. This isn't 100% the same thing as forming a long-term empathy-driven emotional attachment but it can be vey hard to tell the difference until much later. As time ( and special interests) move on an emotional distance can appear that the NT partner may find especially disconcerting as their husband/wife may not appear outwardly to be concerned at all by this.

 

This phenomenon is by no means unique to Aspies as many men do appear to 'stop trying' but it can sometimes be more exaggerated where one of the partners in the marriage has Aspergers.

 

 

Simon

 

That's just spooky Simon, you are spot on for my relationship!

[Flora]

I think we can safely say you have an interest in clothes & make up, bid

Just an aside - JP isn't a "typical" male at all, he is v gentle & sensitive, & is often more "tuned in" than mr p.

 

Yes, Bill is the same. He is quiet, gentle and very concerned about people. I wouldn't like to be married to him though

 

One for the aspie girls here. do you have male fingers? I was told that the length of my fingers were the same pattern as a male rather than a female where the pointy finger is longer in a female, but in men the ring finger is longer than the pointy finger (sorry I Don't remember the proper names of the fingers

 

Do you have that? I do, and apparently it is a sign of exposure to male hormone in the womb (picking up from what mumble was saying)... apparently men who have female pattern length of fingers have been exposed to oestrogen and are more disposed to breast cancer. Interesting. I'm always looking at peoples fingers now. My ring finger is definately longer than my pointy finger by about a cm.

 

Flora