How can I help?

[Viper]

Hi, I posted before about my DD having a friend with AS. Well it turns out that he is not being treated very well by his nan who is his primary carer. She get carers allowance for him and she gets his DLA. He is 20 in July.

 

My DD is worried because he never eats a decent meal. All his nan buys is cheap burgers oven chips and pizzas. That is what he lives on. His nan however has steak and veg as well as nice stews etc. It's not that he wont eat anything else because he has eaten round our house and asked for salad.

 

Also he has hardly any clothes. he wears a pair of girls jeans that are too short even with the hem taken down. He has no underwear and hardly any tops. He hates living with his nan and older brother but has nowhere else to go. I would gladly have him live with us but we don't have enough room although I am still trying to think of a way we can squeeze him in.

 

My DD says his house is a pig sty. There is cat poo all over the place and the kitchen floor is so greasy that she almost fell over. She often cooks for him and has to clean everything before she can use it. She says he seems afraid of his brother and always jumps up and acts nervous when he is near. And he eats really fast like he is afraid it will be taken away from him. He didn't eat like that when he was here. He never wants to go home. I feel so sorry for him.

 

I know his nan is old and has a lot to deal with but she could feed him better. Today my DD was cooking his tea and his nan came out and shouted at him to get out and stop eating her f***ing food.

 

DD has just told me he wants a cake on his birthday as he hasn't had one since he was little but his nan says he is too old. I'm going to bake him one.

 

How can I help him? I don't know where to start. He never gets to see his social worker as his nan deals with her and never tells him anything. It's hard enough fighting for your own child, where do you start with someone elses?

[pookie170]

Argh, what a dreadful situation. I'm not terribly sure, but I think I'd contact social services,as well as the DLA lot. If she's receiving money to care for him, she should blinkin' well be doing it! I'm pretty sure they'd be interested in being informed of an abuse of their resources! And it should be self evident, if he's lacking decent clothing and such.

Would this young man be able to speak to others about his living conditions? That would help build a case for getting him out of there.

 

Just thinking, taking him to an advocacy service might be an idea too. If he really hates living with his nan, then there are other options. I truly admire your wish to help, but having him move in with your family could have repercussions you might not be able to envisage. Of course, it could be marvellous too, and I don't want to overstep the mark in anyway- hop that didnt offend you!!

 

What about assisted accomodation? There's BOUND to be a waiting list, and as I don't know the fellow I have no idea if he would cope, but some of my students live insuch places and LOVE it.

Also, there's the citizens advice bureau, they might have better ideas than me (undoubtedly, in fact! ) and if you were willing, you could act as advocate for your young friend. It certainly sounds like hes lucky to have such good friends around- I'm afraid that to help him in any way, you might well have to take him to social services yourself....

I wish I had definite ideas about the legalities involved here, but I don't. Anyone else know?

 

Hope things change for this young man, it sounds like an awful situation for him to be in.

Keep us posted, hey?

 

Esther x

[MurphySG]

Hi

 

If there is existing social services involvement then he should speak to his social worker, but if s/he is very friendly and deals with his nan, then he may be unwilling to or feel that it may not work.

 

Alternately it seems to me from what you say that he might qualify for legal aid. In that case, a better approach might be to find a solicitor that specialises in community care and take him to see them. They will be able to advise him of his rights to assessment and suggest practical courses of action for him to take.

[justamum]

I would contact social services, but put it to them that you feel his primary carer is not coping very well and let them do the rest.

[Karen A]

Hi Viper.

Social Services will have a system for individuals to record concerns regarding the care of vulnerable adults.It is a similar system to the one for reporting concerns regarding the welfare of children.

One option would be to phone the department and discuss your concerns with the relevant individual.The council switchboard should be able to put you through to the relevant department.

The individual's own social worker is very unlikely to be willing to discuss a client with you for reasons of confidentiality.Karen.

[JsMum]

From your post it is a case of neglect and abuse, so I would report it to your local adult social services, he is a vunrable adult and has rights to be safe and secure, I would soo be inclined to squeeze him in your home, poor lad, to have to wear girls jeans is humiliating, not just down right selfish, the Nan doesnt sound like she has any intentions of looking after his wellbeing just her purse, its disgusting.

 

Its a real heartbreaking situation, I know I wouldnt feel right sending him home, I would go with the recommendations of Advacacy and SS as this lad needs all his needs met, not just accomadation but proper care and attention.

 

Send some hugs from us.

 

JsMum

Edited June 20, 2008 by JsMum

[Tally]

Could you or your daughter speak to him and see if he wants any help? If you report it to Social Services and he says, "everything's fine," nothing will change anyway. It would be better to do this with him on side.

 

It might be possible for him to contact the DLA people and ask for the money to be paid directly to him. However she may then charge him rent.

 

Another option would be to help him speak to his own social worker, perhaps ask her to meet him at your house. His GP could be another source of support. You could even attend an appointment with him to help him discuss things.

[Kathryn]

It's a difficult situation - anyone's instincts would be to leap in and rescue him from what sounds like a dreadful situation, but I agree with Tally that you need his agreement and cooperation before you do anything on his behalf. Inadequate though the care is, the grandmother and brother may be this lad's only support network, and turning them against each other may leave him in an equally tough situation, unless alternative support is in place. Poor chap.

 

K x

Edited June 20, 2008 by Kathryn

[Viper]

Thanks everyone.

 

It is indeed a difficult situation. He is very reluctant to speak to anyone. He talks to my DD but only says a few words to me. He has asked my DD if he can call me mum, which almost made me cry. The poor kid is desperate for a mother figure. I said he could call me mum.

 

I think the best thing to do would be to monitor the situation. He spends most of his time at our house, which I am happy to accept. He is no bother at all. He loves to play with my DS's Lego, sand and anything he can get his hands on really. It's like he is catching up on something he has missed out on.

 

We are going to give him a nice birthday. I have bought him new jeans and a top as a birthday present. I had to measure is waist today. It was quite a trauma for him, but he let me do it, bless him.

 

I'll keep you posted on his situation.

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[cmuir]

Thanks everyone.

 

I think the best thing to do would be to monitor the situation.

 

 

Hi

 

A situation has arisen whereby you're aware and of the belief that this person is not being treated as well as he should be - he lacks the love and care that he deserves. Thankfully he's turned to you and your family and at least you know things will improve even though just for the time he spends with you all. However, how long do you sit back and wait or monitor the situation, albeit a very difficult situation to address? How bad do things have to get? The consequences of reporting the situation to the authorities will probably initially make the situation much worse, but the hope is that long-term this poor lad will be a lot happier. Could you contact SS or phone NAS helping to discuss without naming names initially for advice? Whilst he could be treated a lot worse by his grandmother (presumably he's not being physically abused), being treated in the way that he's being could be mentally damaging to him. Another thought might be that maybe the grandmother is finding it hard to cope and is struggling - maybe she'd welcome some help (of course, it could go the other way!). It's a nightmare of a situation and would be very difficult to know what to do for the best. I hope the way forward becomes clearer soon.

 

Caroline.