pearl Report post Posted July 6, 2008 Fish Facts: Goldfish can die from passive smoking. You know that fungus that goldfish get? Well its not fungus. Its a tiny angora sweater. Fish get cold sometimes. When everyone has gone to bed, goldfish leave their bowls & explore the house. Check for wet patches. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 7, 2008 There is an increasing tendency for new parents to unwittingly name their children after diseases or body parts. Recent examples in the Times birth announcements have included a Rubella, an Alopecia and an Areola. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 7, 2008 Don't mind me, I can run this thread single handed Bill Oddie is really 6'4. He's just stuck on Widescreen. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 7, 2008 (edited) For several years in the early 70?s hot pop combo The Jackson Five had only four members, after Marlon left to start a hot dog concession in Billericay. The Group "duped" fans into believing they remained a Pentogonnet by having all publicity shots taken on long exposures while Tito, Marlon's identical twin, ran around the back. [Link ? Jackson five?] Contrary to popular belief, film director Michael Winner is not the victim of some hideous accident Between 1976 and 1983 TV style guru Laurence Llewellyn Beaumont lived on a diet consisting entirely of the rear ends of pigs. Which just goes to prove you are what you eat. Tonto, Dorothy's dog in The Wizard Of Eastwick, was played by legendary Welsh actor Richard Burten in one of his very first screen roles. They couldn't use a real dog, for H&S reasons, so Burten was hired as a last minute replacement. He wore a doggy suit throughout the movie, and was shrunk down to the right size using blue screen techniques, or by getting him to stand right at the back of the soundstage while everyone acted as though he were at the front. Before the invention of nylon fibres toothbrush bristles were made of steel wire. Bristles of brushes made for the poor were made of wood. But then so were their teeth. The active ingredient of toothpaste is ground teeth - which is why the tooth fairy is willing to pay top dollar for them. Despite allegations of grave robbing and "denture fixing" the tooth fairy remains a much loved children's folklore figure - unlike the fingernail clippings collector who always comes across as a bit "creepy". Author Barbara Cartland loved the colour green and refused to wear anything else. Unfortunately she was colour blind. Crisp shrapnel is a major cause of bleeding gums in small children. Salt and vinegar hurt the most, as both flavourings are highly acidic. Bleeding gums in teenage boys is more often caused by other teenage boys, usually because one of them has been looking at the other ones "bird", or because they've had half a can of Shandy Bass and are feeling a bit leery. Another cause of bleeding gums is pyorrhoea, which sounds like fire breathing but isn't. Bleeding Gums Most have heard of Drake's cunning use of "Fire-ships" during the attacks on the Spanish Armada (1066AD), but history books often overlook the part played in the defeat of Prince William of Spain's fleet by the aquatic mammal, the Narwhal. The narwhal - a genetic "freak" created by the unholy union of Unicorns and Minsk whales (the cheeky little minsky's) ? is a whale with a dirty great big spiral of horn on the top of its head shaped exactly like a drill bit. In his youth, Drake had held the position of curator at the Brighton aquarium, and had trained dolphins to "dance" in circles by rotating mackerel above their heads, in much the same way that a child might entertain a kitten with a ball of string shortly before getting scratched to ribbons. Applying the same technique to the Narwhal, he rotated various titbits - kittens at first, but then dolphins when fur proved unpalatable to the whales - and taught them to "dance" whenever they heard the honk of a honking thingy a bit like an old fashioned car horn like they used in Flipper, I expect. Trained divers positioned the narwhals vertically under the attacking fleet, and on their signal Drake gave the command for the honking to commence. This brilliant strategy remained a Navy secret until 1976 when film director Francis Ford Bacon chanced upon a rare second-hand book on naval strategy in the naval section of a rare second-hand bookshop, containing an advert for a collector's plate (Royal Galton & Simpson) depicting the battle scene. This later became the inspiration for his 1979 Schlock Horror straight-to-video-nasty blood fest Driller Killer. Driller Killer Blood Fest Edited July 7, 2008 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 7, 2008 Crisp shrapnel is a major cause of bleeding gums in small children. Salt and vinegar hurt the most, as both flavourings are highly acidic. Bleeding gums in teenage boys is more often caused by other teenage boys, usually because one of them has been looking at the other ones "bird", or because they've had half a can of Shandy Bass and are feeling a bit leery. Another cause of bleeding gums is pyorrhoea, which sounds like fire breathing but isn't. I'm afraid that one is disqualified on the grounds of inconvenient truth The longest human pregnancy on record was 37 months. Due to a horse shortage, the 1952 Grand National was run with giraffes. Einstein taught that space and time are the same thing. He discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for meetings. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 8, 2008 I'm afraid that one is disqualified on the grounds of inconvenient truth Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... make you right. How the hell did that sneak in? I'll have a word with the editors... Ahhhh... they've said that it's a dubble bluff technically, small particles of crisp are known as 'swarf' or 'splinters' because of their depth (less than .5mm). Expanded potato products (wotsits/hoops/monster munch etc) produce shrapnel 'proper', while toffee/nut combinations produce cracknell... phew, this science stuff goes straight over my head! Still, your objection is upheld, and they promise to remove the offending inconvenient truth from subsequent editions and include a full retraction. Incidentally, did you know that Cracknell was invented by Lady Cracknell (heroine of The Jack Wilde stage play "The unbearable lightness of being Ernest), who left a packet of toffee and a bag of roasted peanuts in the bottom of her HAAAAAAAAAANNNNNDDDDDBAAAAAAAAGGGGG????????? on a hot summers day? The two confections fused together producing the delicious sweet-meat we have all come to know and avoid. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 8, 2008 Some Facts About The Queen She was actually christened Gladys. After the abdication, it was deemed "not regal enough" for the heir to the throne, and it was quietly changed to Elizabeth in all official documentation. Next time you are waving to her in a crowd, shout "Ey up Gladys" and watch her head swivel. After a stressful day shaking hands and opening things, she likes to relax by playing the steel drums. She has a stunt double. But only for boring occasions. She likes to do the dangerous stuff herself. Her favourite programme is "You've Been Framed". On several occasions she has attempted to send video bloopers of family holidays at Balmoral & Sandringham to Harry Hill, but a footman has managed to retrieve the parcel each time ... so far. She only carries four things in her handbag: a handkerchief, a packet of mints, her front door keys and a whoopee cushion. She uses the whoopee cushion on the very rare occasions when even she is bored beyond endurance. Her last victim was Carla Bruni. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 8, 2008 (edited) Just popped in for a minute as I just got home. Did you hear Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban had a baby girl, they called her Sunday Rose, only a day or so old and I heard that when they have a boy they are going to call him Monday Blues. Poor girl is already getting a roasting. Aussie's calling her Sunday Roast not Sunday Rose. Yeah I am sure this doesnt quite fit here, but, what they hey I am pooped. Thats my 2 cents worth for the rest of the week. Night all. Just adding, Sunday was her fathers grandmothers name, according to Nicole's brother. Edited July 8, 2008 by Frangipani Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 9, 2008 This one is true as well, but it really shouldn't be. A teenager spoke of her shock after finding a bat curled up in the bra she had been wearing for five hours. Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, initially thought it was her mobile phone causing movement in her clothing. But when she investigated, she found the stowaway creature, hidden in the padding pocket of her 34FF black bra. We need another thread for insane but true facts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 9, 2008 The bat-bra was invented by Commisioner Gordon's daughter, AKA "Batgirl"... just like Batman's utility belt it contained items that gave her power over master criminals Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 9, 2008 (edited) Few people realise that feminine rights campaigner Jermaine Grear is also the mother of famous Hollywood actor, Richard Grear. It was while making the Timothy shampoo advert for Canter- lever brothers that Grear, an ex model (well, she was still doing it then obviously, but she gave it up shortly afterwards for reasons I will explain) met rock legend Herman Melville of Herman's Hermit crabs (and more recently front man of R&B legends Melville and the Bluenotes) and embarked on a wild affair culminating in an unwanted pregnancy. Following the birth of their son, Melville and Grear quickly went their separate ways, Grear returning to Sydney, her previous long term boyfriend. Sadly, her blossoming modelling career was nipped in the bud (?), the varicose veins etched on her once lovely legs by the unforgiving weight of pregnancy (at birth Richard weighed in at an incredible 4st3lb! - a record breaking weight in most years but sadly not this one, occurring as it did at the height of South Pacific nuclear testing) impossible to disguise even with the best of foundation creams. In recent years advances in cosmetic surgery have offered Grear the opportunity for reconstructive surgery, but she has always eschewed such vanity; choosing instead to allow nature to take its course and cover her legs with thick, wiry hairs. They say an elephant never forgets, but what?s the true story? In 1977 Dr Hans Durdy of the Bernard Matteson Institute for Animal Research conducted an experiment to test the theory, with the help of Nellie, an African elephant, borrowed from the local circus. Under carefully controlled conditions he placed Nellie in a glass soundproof booth and recited the formula of Pi to her through a microphone. He then asked Nellie to repeat the formula back to him by stamping her front right leg repeatedly on the floor of the booth and signalling each separate integer by a brief pause combined with a visual signal tail swish. The dim-witted creature failed hopelessly, giving up after only one-hour and forty-five minutes having only managed recalling the first 79 decimal places. Critics of Durdy's work claimed that, rather than implying poor memory skills, his experiment actually demonstrated proof of an earlier hypothesis (Canon, Ball et al, 1974) regarding the potential for pachyderms to suffer repetitive strain injuries, sparking a series of compensatory claims from elephants employed in Jungle clearance projects for "Feller's Trunk". In a further experiment, Nellie was taken by Durdy to see an end-of-pier review starring West Country comedian Jethroe. After watching the show, Nellie failed to recall a single joke. Again, this experiment was criticised by Durdy's detractors as being "inherently flawed", and lead directly to a high profile court case brought against Durdy by the Elephant Protection League for "unnecessary and extreme cruelty". His career in tatters, Durdy fled from Norfolk and has never been seen again. Several days later Nellie also disappeared, packing her trunk and saying goodbye to the circus with little more than a cursory "trump, trump, trump". Rumours that the pair eloped have never been confirmed, though if that is the case, and they are reading this column, we would like to join other well wishers in wishing them well. The perverts. Despite many rumours regarding homosexuality, it remains a fact the well known hack Oscar Wilde sired no less than 37 illegitimate offspring during his eight year tenure as Club Captain of Gillingham FC. The youngest of these, Marty, went on to achieve great success, almost 60 years after his errant father's demise, as a Rock and Roll musician/songwriter, performing under the stage name Alvin and the Chipmunks Stardust. As Captain of Gillingham, Wilde never recovered from the ignominy of their defeat in the premiership at the hands (well, feet) of Reading Rovers, and retired from the game a broken man. His poem "The Ballad of Reading's Goal" is to this day considered among the finest of his works, expressing as it does the utter sense of worthlessness and despair that all Gillingham supporters have since come to recognise so well. Edited July 9, 2008 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted July 9, 2008 The modern English alphabet originally had only 25 letters in it. 'T' was added at the request of Dame Peggy Mount. Sir Sidney James was the patron saint of the International Brotherhood of Walnut Growers, providing vital funds during the infamous 'Peanut Wars'. Such was the impact of his support that, even to this day, September 30th is deemed 'Sir Sidney James Day' (with the Brazilian town of Santa Rosa Maria going so far as to legally foce all of its residents to carry a photograph of Barbara Windsor's top being pulled off in Carry on Camping). Cauliflower is the albino version of brocolli. Mega-movie Zulu was originally destined to be a sci-fi film until Sir Stanley Baker correctly pointed out that Zulus didn't exist in the future, forcing the producers to destroy �14,000,000 worth of sets and costumes before relocating to the foothills of Ipswich (clever use of matte paintings and optical effects gave the illusion of the African plains with viewers and critics alike being none the wiser) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 9, 2008 Michael Foot's original name was Michael Hand. He changed it by deed poll in 1946 cos he thought it sounded silly. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 10, 2008 The red squirrel has the largest testes of any living land rodent ? each one the circumference of a basketball when fully inflated, with an internal pressure equivalent to that of an adult's bicycle tyre. If accidentally ruptured, the crater produced is roughly the same size and shape as a badger's sett, which is why enterprising young badgers always carry a discarded hedgehog spine in their back pockets. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 10, 2008 Other than man, the badger is the only animal that celebrates birthdays. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 17, 2008 (edited) While millions love its crisp, watery taste, few realise that the Little Gem lettuce is named in honour of legendary eccentric jazz musician Sir Humphrey Littlegem. Sir Humphrey, as immortalised by Nigel Hackenthorpe in BBC TV's "Yes Minstrels" was appearing as chairman on Radio 2's "I'm sorry, I haven't any change right now" when he caught the ear of keen horticulturalist Charlie Dibner, who cross-fertilised a Cos lettuce with a Brussels' sprout in his honour. Sir Humphrey was moved to tears by the gesture, and swore that he would never eat salad again unless it numbered Dibner's little green invention within the sum of its ingredients. In 1993 flamboyant Littlegem stabbed restaurateur Gordon "Scarface" Ramsbottom in the scrotum with a gateau fork after the arrogant chef tried slipping him iceberg in the bottom of a prawn cocktail, an incident which almost cost Ramsbottom one of his Michelin Tyres. And a testicle. Of course there have been many other fruits and vegetables named after famous people: The Ugli Fruit (Michael Winner), The Black Eyed Pea (The Black Eyed Peas) and the Dog Rose (Billie Piper) to name but four. Artist Jackson Pollock, of course, famously has a fish named after him, while comedians Buster Crab and Tommy Cockles both lend their names to edible crustaceans. As did Barnacle Bill the Sailor. In addition to the comparisons made with Vicky Pollard and Mr Blobby, the forum's very own HEV also has something in common with the legendary Helen of Troy. Many years ago Hev was attending a tribute band "party in the park" concert, and flushed with her success at managing to break through the security barriers to snog Noddy Holder lookeelikee, Roddy Bolder she decided to launch a similar attack on the Who's tribute band, the WHO? Unfortunately, as she made her way up onto the stage several members of the audience spotted that she had her trousers on inside out and alerted fashion security police Thinny and Joanna, who immediately gave chase. Hev managed to evade the diamante duo by hiding out in the WHO?'s trailer, where she found a half eaten portion of cod and chips left by the band's front man, Pete Townsend (no aitch), but while she was busily chowing down she was interrupted by another security guard, Fred Kwimby. She escaped again; temporarily blinding Kwimby by squirting vinegar in his eyes, and ran deep into the crowd where she thought she'd be safe from discovery. Sadly, she hadn't reckoned with the security cameras or Kwimby's excellent powers of recall. Although he'd only glimpsed her for a second, Kwimby was able to identify her face from the many thousands in the audience, using video footage from the monitors. 'That's her,' he told the waiting police officers, 'That's the face that lunched on Townsend's chips'. Edited July 17, 2008 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 17, 2008 Ooh I'd forgotten about this thread! Elastic in underwear will last twice as long if you refrigerate your underwear after washing. No one in Wales has a birthday on March 16th. Kenneth Williams was a notorious womanizer. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted July 19, 2008 This is a contribution from Little Weed... Whenever there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born (ps..can't vouch for the authenticity of the untruthfulness of this one...nor can I verify the source!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted July 19, 2008 Flo...is it a joke or a play on words, 'cos I don't get it! Boho Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 19, 2008 (edited) I think it's very deep... too deep for me! Perhaps for awkward silence we should read "Pregnant Pause"? Did you know that Friar Tuck of "Robin Hood" fame had a degree in philosophy? Yes, he was a deep, fat friar I'm gonna right a whole 'Robin Hood' panto just so I can use that one again! Edited July 19, 2008 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SueB Report post Posted July 19, 2008 When my granny was in service she used to swear blind they used: pidgeon droppings as a bleaching agent for clothes soot for fantastic toothpaste ashes from the fire to a cup of water, scrape the scum off, and give the remaining fluid to babies for gripe water!!! However, don't take my word for it (and granny is now dead) Sue xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 19, 2008 All 1981 10p pieces were withdrawn from circulation, when a disgruntled employee depicted the Queen's head wearing a sombrero. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted July 19, 2008 Flo...is it a joke or a play on words, 'cos I don't get it! Boho Bid I have no idea at all! We were sat round the table having a natter (Me, dd and my mum) and there was a minute or so when nobody said a word, and she just came out with that statement. I hope it hasn't upset anyone??? I Know it's very odd, and that's why I posted it on the drivel thread Flo' X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 19, 2008 Alistair Darling has a large collection of Beanie Babies. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 20, 2008 Following on from Fran's post, I've heard that Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban are planning to call their next child Spaceman. They want an Urban Spaceman Baby. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 20, 2008 Alistair Darling has a large collection of Beanie Babies. How odd - 'cos i happe to know a guy called Alastair Beanie who has three darling babies! Did you know that as you get older your skin loses it's plumpness? Christ knows what that is bunching up above the waistband of my trousers, but I'm reliably informed it aint plumpness! Did you know that vegetables scream when you pull them out of the ground? Except for carrots - they love a bit of it, the dirty little so-and-so's... Oh, and celery just whimpers - being a negative calorie food it hasn't got the strength for a full blown scream. Peas don't, but they're legumes - there's not much legume in a pea pod, is there? they must be very flexible... Did you know that some people ramble incontinently incoherently when they're tired? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 20, 2008 Did you know that some people ramble incontinently incoherently when they're tired? Oh Baddad, you left yourself wide open there. You must be tired 24/7 as you speak a lot of 'Drivel' :lol: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 20, 2008 Did you know that some people ramble incontinently incoherently when they're tired? You are getting far too near the truth again! The last dinosaur roamed the earth in 1946. Rubbing worcester sauce on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for snoring. The egg of a hummingbird will actually float in mid-air in foggy conditions. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 20, 2008 (edited) Few people grooving to the slick synth stylings of legendary Depeche Mode front man Phil Oakley in the mid 80's would have recognised the little old lady in the audience wearing cowgirl gear - but their parents might have! It was none other than Annie Oakley, Phil's mother, the legendary Wild West sharpshooting inspiration for "Annie!" - The legendary sharpshooting musical! Annie's star burned bright long before son Phil's even twinkled, as she wowed audiences on her legendary world tours with her legendary partner Daddy Warbucks, demonstrating her legendary cat-skinnin' 'n' steer ropin' skills. Sadly, Warbucks was to die before ever seeing his unborn son, victim of a terrible hunting accident while out shooting with family friend, the legendary Wild Bill Hicks, who accidentally shot him in the chest while cleaning his gun. Twice. Seeking comfort and solace in each others arms following their loss, Oakley and Hicks found themselves falling in love, and were married several days after Warbucks' funeral in the small town of Viva!, Las Vegas, where they lived for twelve years before returning to Annie's hometown of Salford in 1973. Phil remembered those early years in Vegas fondly, drawing on them for inspiration for his bands most celebrated hit, the legendary "Vienna". Edited July 20, 2008 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 20, 2008 More people than you would imagine accidentally swallow their keys. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted July 20, 2008 More people than you would imagine accidentally swallow their keys. Mainly Students Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 20, 2008 Mainly Students Oh bum I didnt know it was true! Behold our future! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 21, 2008 Did you know that funnel web spiders can jump really high. So if you see one you are better off just walking away. If you spray them with insect repellent and miss they are likely to become very angry and jump at you, up to a metre. Some say even if you get them with insect repellent it doesnt really bother them, they just walk away. But the tric is if you spray them with hair spray and they jump at you, they will freeze in mid air as the hair spray coats them making them powerless to move. I was in the shower the other day and found myself in a compromising position when I looked up and saw a spider the size of my hand, but aha being in the bathroom I reached for the hairspray and I sprayed it and it froze, it is now an ornamental on our ceiling as no one wants to touch it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 26, 2008 I found this thread and it was absolutely full of Drivel from 'yours truly', BD I was going to cut and paste some bits but decided the whole link belongs in this thread. Baddad at his best or worst. http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=12013 Oh the good ole days. The Art of Baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 26, 2008 There is a sad story that sets the scene in the Australia Bush. In early days bush-men, more commonly know as swagman, went around from property to property looking for work. These bushman would take any sort of work that was avaliable. The wool industry was booming, sheep were plentiful and shearers were needed everywhere. This particular bushy had finished his days shearing but as his employer wasn't paying wages until the wool had been sent to the markets, they would sometimes have to wait weeks for their pay. After a hard days work the bushman would find a big shady tree preferably near a water hole to unroll their swag and set up camp for the night. As night was falling the bushman saw an ideal opportunity walking not more than thirty feet away. Grazing on some juicy grass, between some trees, just up a bit from the camp site was this plump sheep. Knowing full well that if he was able to catch this sheep his meals would be taken care of for a least the next week. The chase was on.! After he caught it he packed it neatly into his tucker bag and proceeded to put the billy on for his cuppa before bed. Unfortunately, he was blissfully unaware that the owner of the property where he was camping was watching his every move. The owner of the land would not tolerate a swaggy on his land, let alone one that was stealing from him and quickly informed the authorities. The billy was just about boiled when three burly police officers on horse back rode into his camp site. Knowing full well what he had done, the police officers asked, "Just what have you got in your tucker bag?. You'd better come a waltzing down to the police station with me". As to why the swaggy did what he did next is a mystery but that swaggy ran and jumped straight into the water hole never to be seen again saying "You'll never catch me alive". To this day his ghost maybe heard as you pass by that water hole, "You'll come A Waltzing Matilda with me". --------------------------------------------------------------- This story is told on any given night in Australia, "The boogie man maybe watching". Our family had a house in my hometown Toowoomba, that was raised about three foot off the ground. My strict instructions were never to go under the house, for that was where the boogie man lived. This was a rule that I could live with as it was never really enticing to venture under there anyway. The boogie man as it turns out is more resourceful than I first imagined. Not only is he hiding under houses but as it turns out he is under your bed, in the cupboards, hiding around corners, even if you don't do your homework he appears. I specifically remember one time as I was going to the toilet (we had an outside toilet), I would run down the back stairs into the toilet and lock the door. The journey back however was my first encounter with the boogie man. Our back stairs were not covered and you could see under the house through them. It was that night that I swore that I saw him. Dark hideous black creature with bright shinny yellow eyes. I screamed with fright and my parents came running but the creature was gone. Talking to my friends I soon realized that he didn't just live only at my house, he had been sighted all over Toowoomba. Not being one to install fright, I kept this story to myself for all these years, but I keep telling my children how lucky we are to have an inside toilet. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 27, 2008 Shepherds counting the number of animals in their herd often doze off. The earliest rocking chairs only rocked forward. If you make a cow laugh hard enough, milk will come out of its nose. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted July 27, 2008 If you make a cow laugh hard enough, milk will come out of its nose. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 27, 2008 But how do you make a cow laugh? They are immune to tickling and have no sense of humour... you'll never see cow at the cinema watching a comedy film - they only like moosicals... Joke courtesy of 100% Ben - it was one of the first he ever 'got' without it being explained and he told it constantly for a while... Other cattle related facts - 1 - In 1976 Daisy, a fresian/guernsey cross became the first cow in space. She circumnavigated the globe in McGonagle one, the first Scottish Space shuttle, for three days, before disaster struck and the craft burnt up on re-entry at Cape Ballykissangel. Though somewhat overcooked, Daisy's remains were served later that evening in the staff canteen with a fresh green salad and jacket potatoes. 'It's what she would have wanted' said head of operations, Ewen McTeagle, though personally I suspect had she been at the feast she would have actually preferred cattle cake with some nice hay on the side. 2 - a single cow's fart contains enough methane to power Windy Miller's windmill for five years. Sadly, Windy refuses to have anything to do with cows since he lost his wife in a cattle related accident in 1976, when she choked on a hoof while sharing a pie with Desperate Dan 3 - Most people know that cows have four stomachs, but few people realise they have two and a half bumholes. The half is only used on Wednesday's, because it's early closing for the other two. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted July 28, 2008 But how do you make a cow laugh? They are immune to tickling and have no sense of humour... you'll never see cow at the cinema watching a comedy film - they only like moosicals... Joke courtesy of 100% Ben - it was one of the first he ever 'got' without it being explained and he told it constantly for a while... Oh that was funny I have a few other jokes that must go with that. You may already know them but one is about Horsepital, Tweetment, and Oinkment. If you havent heard them and would like me to post them, let me know. I posted them in the Joke thread once where ever that is. xx <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted July 28, 2008 To ensure prompt delivery of e-mail, the post office recommends affixing a first class stamp to your computer. Three out of ten doctors admit to licking the tongue depressors before using them. To create a nurturing, non-judgmental atmosphere, many maths teachers now tell children that no numbers are truly negative. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
