baddad Report post Posted February 20, 2009 Having dug ooot the meaing of Liff thread I thought this could use a new lease of liff too... Literally hundreds have thrilled to the terror of Arnold Ridley-Scott?s groundbreaking genre-defining 1979 movie ?Alien?, starring Signo Singor Saggor John Merrick, but few realise it is based on real events. In 1981 lifelong buddies and keen fishermen Bernard Ripley and Norman ?Knotty? Ash (no relation) took to the waters off Hastings? pier in Ripley?s 6ft inflatable dinghy, Nosferatu. Drifting yards out into open water they got out their tackle and readied themselves for a delightful afternoon fulfilling their primal urges. As hunter-gatherers. Within moments Ash felt a tug on his rod and jerked it high into the air, relishing the satisfying weight at its tip. After an exhausting struggle lasting more than 40 seconds he was finally able to winch the creature on the end of his line alongside the dinghy, and with a final grunt he pulled it aboard. Immediately the friends were aware that something was very, very wrong. Rather than writhing and flapping in the bottom of the boat, the thing on the end of Norman?s line just eyed them benevolently malevolently. As Norman bent to detach it from his hook the creature spasmed, piercing Norman?s palm with razor sharp spines and injecting him with vile venom before slipping from his grasp back into the water. Norman?s hand swelled to the size of a grapefruit, and he was poorly for days despite taking loads of antihistamine and having all his mates pee on the wound in the hope that the venom was similar to that of a jellyfish. At least that?s what he said. At the time, Ripley described the creature as hideous and unearthly, elaborating later that it was ?Gurnard-like, but too small and the wrong colour? This has led many to speculate that Ash?s attacker was in fact a Weaver fish ? a small, poisonous fish indigenous to the region that looks like a gurnard but is green/brown rather than pink; but the friends reject the idea vehemently - especially since cutting the movie deal with Ridley-Scott. The final word should really go to Norman Ash, who every day thanks God to still be alive. ?In Hastings,? he said on that fateful day, ?no one can hear you scream?. ---- Many animals are masters of camouflage ? The zebra, the chameleon, Jeremy Beedle to name but a few ? but only one has actually mastered the secret of invisibility. The North Atlantic Glass Puffin has light reflecting cells interweaved between the fibres of its feathers, which reflect back whatever objects are closest to their surface. By concentrating very hard, the clever little creature can ?polarise? each cell to reflect back the cell alongside it, which in turn reflects the cell alongside that one. On completing a full circuit, the individual cells have nothing to reflect back from the previous cell and the puffin ?winks? out of existence. It?s an amazing survival mechanism, but a right pain if you happen to be a mother glass puffin trying to call her kids inside on bath nights. In recent years unscrupulous master criminals have employed glass puffin as accomplices, ensuring their complete compliance by holding other members of their family to ransom. Some smartarses have asked why the hostages don?t just ?disappear? themselves and escape, but if life was that simple there?d be no need for schools, would there? Oh yes ? it?s because they give them drugged fish to stop them concentrating. Or something. Fotagraffic evedense [NB. 'Puffin' based on my fave ever Tshirt design as seen in Cambridge (1993) & Oxford (2007)] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kinky j Report post Posted February 20, 2009 (edited) Is over half a year too long to call a hacken-whacken? or at the very least a half-hacken? The active ingredient of toothpaste is ground teeth - which is why the tooth fairy is willing to pay top dollar for them. Despite allegations of grave robbing and "denture fixing" the tooth fairy remains a much loved children's folklore figure - unlike the fingernail clippings collector who always comes across as a bit "creepy". I believe that the above is vaguely remenicent of the pionnering theorys put forth by professor Sir Terry Pratchett in his ground breaking work on mythological entities entitled Hogfather. Edited February 20, 2009 by kinky j Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted February 20, 2009 Oh, I've missed this thread. New data suggests that so-called global warming may be due to a batch of faulty thermometers. In the early 1940s, Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted only of little pasta swastikas. If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant's soil every six months, the plant will not wilt. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted February 20, 2009 Cauliflower is not, as many people think, bleached broccoli. Instead it is a result of wild broccolis roaming the planet before the land masses split. This particular tribe found themselves trapped following Antarctica falling out with the rest of the continents. Over countless millenia, the now isolated broccolis demonstrated Darwin's theory of evolution, gradually becoming white in appearance so as to blend in with their snowy surroundings and avoid being eaten by polar bears. This led to rumours of a 'white broccoli' being mentioned in legend which led to Captain Scott setting forth on an attempt to retrieve this 'treasure without equal' (under the pre-text of racing Roald Amundson-Dahl). There journey was deemed a failure when Scott froze to death and led to the common misconception that Captain Oates gave his life in a vain attempt to save his fellow 'explorers'. In truth he 'stepped outside for a while' as he'd spotted a group of wild broccolis in the distance and wanted to claim the prize as his own. He succeeded but, realising that the truth would kill his reputation in polite society, changed his name to The Man From Del Monte. --------- Under European Law, cottage cheese must contain a minimum of 5% actual cottage. --------- Cats are physically unable to walk backwards. Instead they have to employ an army of ants to make them look as thought they're going in reverse. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted February 21, 2009 (edited) Is over half a year too long to call a hacken-whacken? or at the very least a half-hacken? I believe that the above is vaguely remenicent of the pionnering theorys put forth by professor Sir Terry Pratchett in his ground breaking work on mythological entities entitled Hogfather. No - it's certainly not too late to call an h-w or h-h but can you give a bit more info? I've not read any Terry Pratchett's so don't know what bit might sail close to HW/HH territory. Tooth/toothpaste? Nail clippings collector? I can't remember the rules, but i think if it's a genuine HH you get to be the Official HackenWhacken HackenMeister until hacken-whackened or half-hackened in turn. It's a highly esteemed position - you get your own mug and everything, so it's well worth the effort L&P BD PS: Just read the above post, and am personally disgusted at the mention of frozen Oates... It's bad enough that you can buy frozen mashed potato and premixed pancake batter without starting on Powwidge. My guess is it's only a matter of time before they do microwavaable cuppa-soup, where instead of boiling the kettle you pour cold water into a pre-loaded plastic cup and then microwave to boil - like a pot noodle without the noodles. Edited February 21, 2009 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Is over half a year too long to call a hacken-whacken? or at the very least a half-hacken? I believe that the above is vaguely remenicent of the pionnering theorys put forth by professor Sir Terry Pratchett in his ground breaking work on mythological entities entitled Hogfather. OMG BD...your comedy stalker has progressed from stand-up to books!! Boho Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad cat lady Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Little known facts in Nature (they keep it secret) There is a Ginus species of Pipistelle bat that lives entirely on Juniper berries, it has a digestive system that works similarly to a distillery and its urine in actually 100% proof gin. The Madagascan spikey coated anteater's droppings are pure chocolate, however it is fatal to eat them as you would die of pleasue. MCL Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted February 21, 2009 OMG BD...your comedy stalker has progressed from stand-up to books!! Boho Hmmmm... not sure about the timing on that one? Unless Mr Pratchett has his own personal wormhole I think he beat me to the press on this one! (?) HOWEVER: An absolute Hacken-Whacken has graced our pages in the form of a reindeer disguised as a bat see below: There is a Ginus species of Pipistelle bat that lives entirely on Juniper berries, it has a digestive system that works similarly to a distillery and its urine in actually 100% proof gin. and: http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...st&p=186667 (follow linkyplinkybloggythingthe7th) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad cat lady Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Hmmmm... not sure about the timing on that one? Unless Mr Pratchett has his own personal wormhole I think he beat me to the press on this one! (?) HOWEVER: An absolute Hacken-Whacken has graced our pages in the form of a reindeer disguised as a bat see below: and: http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...st&p=186667 (follow linkyplinkybloggythingthe7th) Not seen that thread before, but there is a difference, that the gin is distilled and therefore drinkable! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Not seen that thread before, but there is a difference, that the gin is distilled and therefore drinkable! Sorry - totally accept that it's an inadvertent Hacken-Whacken (in fact, that's why they are such good fun!) but that's not a big enough difference, I'm afraid! I'm still sticking out for full HW status, but could probably be persuaded to plea bargain back down to Half-Hacken on appeal. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad cat lady Report post Posted February 21, 2009 I bow to you superior knowledge and accept the "inadvertent" Hacken-Whaken. MCL Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Health facts Lemon meringue pie counts towards your five a day. If you drink at least 15 litres of water a day you are very stupid will never die from spontaneous combustion It has been scientifically proved that, if you spend at least half an hour a day doing everything in reverse, it halts the ageing process. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Traffic lights have tiny sensors in them that can detect when you're in a hurry...and then turn themselves to red. On one of his many wildlife trips David Attenborough has discovered that once a year dogs are required attend a tea-party. Without this ritual, a genetic defect means that they turn into cats. Images relayed from the Hubble Space Telescope have revealed that there's no such thing as the jet stream and that clouds actually move across the sky by means of a complicated series of pulleys. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted February 21, 2009 In the early 1940s, Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted only of little pasta swastikas. They also produced 'Hitler beans' Using black eyed peas rather than the usual Harricot beans. the 'Black eyes' were supposed to be little Hitler 'taches. After the war they tried marketing them as 'Chaplin Beans' and 'Charlie Chow' but by that time people were too sophisticated for novelty baked beans. Another interesting Hackenthrope fact - did you know that alphabetti spaghetti was temporarily withdrawn from the market after it was linked to a spate of nervous breakdowns within the dyslexic community? Number spaghetti is very popular among the autistic community, but they don't like spaghetti shapes - all those square pegs/round holes Oh: Lemon meringue pie counts towards your five a day. But many nutritionists feel that five pies a day is just asking for trouble. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Until the 1960s, it was legal in Alaska for humans and moose to marry (caribou however were excluded as that was thought a bit too perverted.) The final human/moose marriage in 1963 lasted just 3 weeks. The moose sued for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. He couldnt cope with the lack of antlers. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad cat lady Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Health facts Lemon meringue pie counts towards your five a day. Does this mean I can no longer include it! What about fruit cake? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad cat lady Report post Posted February 21, 2009 Traffic lights have tiny sensors in them that can detect when you're in a hurry...and then turn themselves to red. This has got to be true! Because it always happens to me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
