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ogsplosh

excuses?

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My daughter is still waiting for an official diagnosis but the school have been told to treat her as though she has the label.

 

At school she has massive tantrums and the latest resulted in her being removed from the school and place in a mobile because she was a danger to others. The children were in the dinning room and R wanted to talk to the cook after she had finished her meal. She got out of her seat and was told (calmly apparently) to sit down till everyone was finished. By this time R was so determined that she wanted to speak to the cook that she wasn't listening to anything any of the adults were saying. She started to pull away from them and get angry. She wouldn't sit down and was screaming that she wanted to talk to the cook. Then she tried to leave the dining room and a TA blocked the door. R punched her (not hard the TA states) in the stomach. She then (apparently stood back smiled and slapped the TA on the arm) She then tried to leave by the other door where a male teacher was blocking the door. R hit him too (not hard as they keep telling me). She was asked to apologise and she kept screaming NO and got louder and louder. By this time they couldn't control her and let her out with the TA to sit in the calm zone. She kept telling them she has too much in her head while slapping her ears over and over. She then was 'out of control' and was placed in the mobile till I could come to collect her.

 

The school tell me that they are getting fed up of hearing this 'too much in my head' excuse. She apparently uses it every time she gets angry and looses control. They said that there was 'nothing to upset her' and the day was the same as normal nothing out of routine.

 

I don't think this 'too much in my head' is a excuse but then I am her mum and could be letting her get away with too much? What I normally do is make her have a time out to calm down then we ask how many things she has in her head, normally its 20 and we count down from 20 to 1 and she is 'all better'.

 

I don't know if I am doing to wrong giving her a get out clause?

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yea... Im in a similar situation at the moment!

When L gets out of control he says "I cant help it cos i have ASD remember!" and then he carries on with the aggression. I tell him that he cant hurt other people just because he is feeling overwhelmed with everything and have tried to explain to him that if he is feeling like he cant cope he needs to go to his room and punch his pillows instead. I know its different for u cos your little one is having to cope with this at school. Also my DS is 12 so he is probably able to understand stuff a bit more than your little one! If she did use excuses i think it was because she genuinely needed to get out of that dining room and she was told she couldn't and so she got desparate and resorted to the aggressive behaviour. Maybe her teachers need to see the warning signs and act before its too late and she gets distressed.

sorry im not much help! Sending u *hugs*

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Hi ogsplosh,

I don't think that they should assume that she is using any excuses, how do they know how she feels inside? :wallbash:

Your daughter was obviously in a highly distressed state and I think that the way the staff dealt with her only made her more upset, the noise and hustle and bustle in the dinner hall is probably causing her sensory overload as it is.

I have a son with AS and I work in a primary school kitchen. We have a year 6 boy at school with AS and I hate the way the dinner nannies treat him, they either totally ignore him when he is upset or become quite nasty towards him and see him as a irritation. Even when its obvious that another child has pushed him or called him a name they never take his side, it breaks my heart to see him so hurt and he is a lovely boy who is very misunderstood.

School could supply her with mood cards so that when she is feeling anxious or angry they could let her go to a quiet place to calm down without questioning or challenging her. This has worked well for my son as he cannot explain how he is feeling, he says that 'his head gets too full and he can't think straight'

You are definately not doing wrong, by giving her a get out clause, you know her best and school should accept this as fact!

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

gothschild x

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Dinnertimes can be stressful with all the noise and smells etc.Perhaps things escalated because there were people watching/audience etc.I think it would have been better if the TA had let her leave the dining hall when she went to go out and then calmed her down etc.Without letting things escalate further.Its very difficult our kids need to learn right from wrong and that hitting is not the way to go.However if stratergies can be put in place to alleviate this , then it should happen.My son tries to use his dx as an excuse sometimes and I,m very firm on this and can tell when he,s genuinely having a rough time or trying it on.

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Hi

 

I think it's important that the school realise that she can have sensory overload. In the situation that you've described, this sounds very much like what happened because the situation was allowed to escalate. If your daughter had been told that for example, in three minutes once those four tables have been cleared, you can go and speak to the cook, then that may have been all that was required rather than been told 'no' and being given no timescale. This isn't an excuse for your daughter's unacceptable behaviour, but your daughter is trying to express that she is being overloaded in that type of situation and can't cope. The school need to work with others (external professionals if necessary) and work on behaviour management strategies. In actual fact by taking withdrawing her from that environment was the right thing to do, but by blocking doors and allowing the situation to escalate clearly isn't the right way to go about things. I'm not convinced that sending a child home to watch TV/play on their computer/wii/DS lite/etc teaches them anything other than that misbehaving is great because I get to go home and do what I like. Nevertheless, when your daughter has a meltdown the school need to teach her that lashing out is unacceptable. My son's behaviour was appalling at school and we encountered similar situations. R ended up losing playtime after being given warnings. I wasn't happy about that at all since I felt he needed a release from school work, but I must backtrack on that and say that he has learnt that there are consequences in he misbehaves. On the whole I think staff have learnt a lot in terms of how to manage R and spot the signs when he's not coping and in turn R has too about what's acceptable and what's not. I'm not necessarily suggesting that your daughter's school do the same, but they need to try and prevent situations from escalating, spot the warning signs, diffuse situations and if things do escalate ensure that your daughter learns that there are appropriate consequences from lashing out.

 

C.

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Ogsplosh, sounds like a sensory problem to me aswell. I don't see how they can say it is an excuse if they have no idea what she is feeling and experiencing in her head. I should imagine too that lunchtime would be a complete and utter nightmare for your DD is she has sensory sensitivities. I know my DD can be overwhelmed by it. I've had to make a complaint previously about a member of staff treatment of her during the lunchtime period, which was totally inappropriate.

 

Gothschild, I'd be reporting what you are witnessing. That is disgraceful.

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If they dealt with my son in that manner, he would have probably knocked them over, to get out of there away from the noise.

 

To see her that distressed at hitting at her ears is shameful that they blocked the doors like that.

 

I would be having words with the principal on how they need to deal with her.

 

What is this mobile??? why not a quiet room somewhere.

 

This is where we were very lucky with our Paediatrician, if anything like this needed sorting out, he would contact the school.

It always stands out much louder than a parent. Or we would talk with the school counsellor, who was very helpful. My son could go an talk to the counsellor any time if he was really stressed.

 

They really need to listen to your daughter and take her more seriously.

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Fran xx

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[quote

 

I don't think this 'too much in my head' is a excuse but then I am her mum and could be letting her get away with too much? What I normally do is make her have a time out to calm down then we ask how many things she has in her head, normally its 20 and we count down from 20 to 1 and she is 'all better'.

 

I don't know if I am doing to wrong giving her a get out clause?

 

No I don't think you are - sounds like a really good way to help her deal with it.

 

Doesn't sound to me like a situation she was trying to create - maybe the school are trying to teach her what she can and can't control but they don't need to bother because I would guess she's already very aware of what she can't control and has to try and accommodate.

 

Think your approach sounds lovely and just what she needs - now all you need is someone at school who doesn't always see it as a battle of wills but as a need for help in managing overload. OK there might be a battle of wills occasionally in there too sometimes, but not this time - as everyone has said, in the dining room just being there is stressful for our kids.

 

good luck with getting through to them - maybe she just needs one person in school who understands, preferably someone like a teaching assistant who can do what you do and sit with her, helping her count down and calm down

 

all the best

Sarah

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Sounds like a sensory thing to me.

 

And who are they to say nothing was out of the ordinary!!!! Maybe not for them but it might have been for your dd-jesus it might even have been something not cooked exactly like before!!!!

 

Tough luck if they are fed up of hearing the 'too much in her head'-they wanna grow up n get a grip n accept thats how it is!!!

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