ASD and controlling behaviour

[joybed]

My DS is 12 been diagnosed with ASD since 4 and as you all appreciate have had many a rocky time during these past years. He was 12 in January and has just finished his first year in mainstream comp which i am happy to say on the whole has gone really well and he has settled in brilliantly been voted tutor representative for the school council and completed a very successful week away with the buddy club. The problems however are always at home. I am sure a lot of it is hormonal compounded by ASD but no easier to deal with. He attempts to control and manipulate everything that the entire family does, he tries to say where people can sit at meal times, tries to prevent his younger siblings eating food he doesn,t like. Has no interest in what the family wants to do unless it interests him, attempts to control what is on TV. Fights with his brother all the time and won,t appreciate the fact he is only 4. He has taken himself to his nanas at the moment because he doesn,t want to be with his brother but even my parents are having problems with him arguing (he is normally very calm and obliging for them). We are going on holiday next week and we really need a holiday but i can see it turning into a war zone with him in a strop and nobody enjoying themselves. Anyone else have these problems if so how do you deal with it. Will try anything for a peaceful life and happy holiday. (Leaving him behind isn,t an option as i would prefer for him to be a part of the family).

[baddad]

Hi Joybed -

 

I think you're partway on the money with that teenage hormonal thing, but looking at it from another angle this:

 

He attempts to control and manipulate everything that the entire family does, he tries to say where people can sit at meal times, tries to prevent his younger siblings eating food he doesn,t like. Has no interest in what the family wants to do unless it interests him, attempts to control what is on TV. Fights with his brother all the time and won,t appreciate the fact he is only 4.

 

and this:

 

He was 12 in January and has just finished his first year in mainstream comp which i am happy to say on the whole has gone really well and he has settled in brilliantly been voted tutor representative for the school council and completed a very successful week away with the buddy club.

 

Don't really tally.

While there's likely to be a bit of stress involved in the former and a bit of 'wind down in a safe environment' to the latter, the real problem is that the latter isn't acceptable either... If a twelve year old - any twelve year old, AS or NT - thinks he can control his environment and run it on his terms he will. You have to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that that's the adults job, and he can like it or lump it.

If you want a peaceful life you have two options - let him have his own way (and accept that the 'peace' is always going to be on his terms, and the demands will become increasingly restrictive for everyone else around him as the pattern becomes established) or work towards peace on your terms, accepting that in the short term things are going to be confrontational and unpleasant.

 

I'm sure there will be others with alternative perspectives, but my own feeling is that unwinding and relaxing and 'de-stressing' at home is a completely different thing to manipulating and controlling the home, which is what you're describing here.

 

Hope that helps

 

[bid]

We had a great Special Needs health Visitor for many years, and she once said, very wisely IMO 'Never forget there are 5 other people in your family, and each of them has an equal right to time and attention, etc'.

 

This is very true, although it can be (understandably) easy for the whole thing to get out of balance when you have a child with special needs.

 

I completely agree with everything BD has said. Won't be easy, there'll be more and even worse tantrums as you take back control of your family, but it will be worth it in the long run.

 

I think you need to set up some very firm boundaries of what he can and can't do, with clear warnings and consequences (keeping the language simple and consistant) and then you just have to grit your teeth and go for it!

 

It's easy to write about what to do I know , but keep telling yourself you are doing this for your son's future, because if his controlling behaviour continues, it will ultimately be more disabling than his autism.

 

I'm sure there are loads of us here who have had similar battles, so you're not alone!

 

Good luck! <'>

 

Bid

[allie]

Hi Joybed

I sympathise wth you and what you are going through. It sounds very similar to our household at the the moment. My DS is only 6 but has become so manipulative and argumentative about everything. He's always had violent outbursts and although these have reduced in number since he started on medication he is just getting so big that the ones he does have are becoming very scary.

His poor brother and myself get the rough end of the deal and although we really could do with a holiday away I just haven't got the courage to do it just yet.

 

Sorry I have no advice but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you manage to have a good holiday.

[JsMum]

I would like to say that I am (slowly going into a Was) in a very similair situation,

 

what I had to do was look at the stressors, why the need to control, and manipulate, I broke it down, for J it was an underlying anxiety and lots of fears, we have worked on these and lately we have finished a Teenagers Parenting course, though J is only 11 he has a lot of teen moods and teen needs.

 

I was deeply upset in the beginning that I was attacked by my parenting standards but the course gave me new stratagies and looked a conflict resolalutions.

 

The TV is a real issue in our house too, I understand this to be because we have total different preferance, he wants mythbusters, I want locationx3, similair maybe happening with your sons, one been 4 and the other nearly a teenager, there choices are going to be very different.

 

We have had to work very hard on choices and helping him understand that he can not have his choice all the time, we have to share it. and that then led on to sharing, and then feelings, and soo on.

 

We have visual rules, and visual consequences, the first thing to be banned 24hrs is his Console, then the Tv, so on.

 

I have used a multi sensory aproach to help J when he returns from stressful stimuli, so he has a sensory room but this could be adapted anywhere, so for your holiday a corner in the room with bean bags, music, sensory toys, and a small weighted blanket or similair.

 

Js anxieties increase when he isnt sure of the agenda, or the agenda is structured too much that he manipulates it, trys to take back some control so its about comprimising but not letting them take full control.

 

A visual routine has really helped J and reduces his urges to control, though he does try still and its hard to be one step ahead all the time, thats where consistancy a word I hate, comes in to play, it really does make it harder if it gets in the way, so by been firm and staying firm, then it makes it clear for the next time.

 

I am wondering if things are as good as you describe with school too, it could be that there is something not quite right, it could be he tries these control tactics on his peers, though they wont tollerate it, it may be he does it, but doesnt get the same results as at home. just a thought.

 

I found that for J he also needs lots creative tasks to help him express, due to not been able to express his thoughts and feelings, so he has crafts, art, music, sport, to help him communicate, or get out what he is thinking, these could be incorperated in your holiday, I find for J he needs a safe, calm place after a stimulating enviroment, and he is left alone, unless he needs me, otherwise, I leave him be until he is feeling less angry/stressed/afraid.

 

For powerful feelings I would seek councilling such a psychologist or similair, maybe when he begins school again there may have theraputic interventions available, some councilling or similair or your local services may have something similair.

 

One thing about stroppy behaviour, it use to get to me too, like an emotional blackmail, but Ive learnt now its more a disappointment that there feeling, and we worked throw that feeling too, it was very interesting to how been dissapointed effects moods and behaviour and coping with the feelings have really helped both J and me because I dont feel I have to always give into J, in fear he will be sad, disapointed and I think its a healthy feeling once you have learnt to except and go throw the process of what disapointment is, its disguise is stroppy behaviour.

 

I really hope you enjoy your holiday.

 

JsMum

[bikemad]

Another one here 9 going on 19 given the chance-he would control the whole house give the chance n will argue black is blue-no advice but didnt want to read n run. <'>

[Enid]

Same here, my also 12yr old will control everything if I let him, he is so big now and violent when challanged, that sometimes I am too scared to intervene, then I just walk away and leave it, I know that many will see that as him getting his own way, and me giving in at times, and it is, or course, but somenights I chose to live!!! and not be covered in bruises, or have the house trashed. When all is calm I discuss and consequence, till the next time, and that can be 1 minute or 1 week later, he is so unpredictable, as I type this he is happily playing in the pool with his brother and sister, and yesterday he had �3 woolies vouchers that he had won at school on "learning credits" he spent them buying chocs for all the family, he is a LOVELY boy, thats why I find this anxious/violent/controling side of him, which rears its head so regularly, so soul destroying Enid

[joybed]

Thankyou all for your replies it is comforting to know we are not alone. We are currently undergoing family therapy as M started to self harm, this has since stopped. the problems started when the twins arrived as his whole world changed overnight, we had done our best to try and prepare him but nobody could be prepared for the upheavel of twins. Overnight he went from a very organised life where we had a set routine to never knowing when the next meal would be arriving as i was so busy with 2 babies. Dh went back to work when they were 2 weeks old and i have little other support and was too proud to ask anyway. He also has a difficult relationship with his stepfather who doesn,t really understand ASD and worries constantly about the effects M is having on the twins. DH is a wonderful guy but becomes stressed very quickly and is also a little selfish he is the first to admit this. i also had postnatal depression after the twins which made matters worse. Family therapy is helping but i get the impression M takes from it what will benefit him and switches of at any suggestions that involve him changing too much. We have the odd problems at school with bullying but thankfully he goes to a supportive school and has a very good statement. He does only tell me what he wants me to know though and schools only tell you if there is a major issue so who knows. I do know he finds the school transport very challenging and would prefer me to take him but with work and 2 little ones who also start school in September this is impossible. My parents don,t help as they let him do what he wants virtually and he literally spends all day on the internet. They don,t understand the issues at home because they don,t see it my Dad has witnessed the odd outburst and was totally shocked. i don,t feel i can confront my parents as my mum is not the type to listen and the last time i questioned something/ dared to make up my own mind she fell out with me for 3 years. i am stronger now but this is too big an issue and i cant face a major fall out. He does have boundaries but is pushing them further and further everyday and he always kicks off when i am really busy such as meal times or twins bathtime. He then upsets them then Dh gets involved and the whole house is absolute chaos everyone is either upset or angry and most nights i am left to deal with this mess. I hate him going to his Nanas due to the above issues but also need a break. Most of the time i feel my life is just juggling with all the balls threatening to fall. Sorry to rant love all mjy kids and DH but you know how it is. Need to go now as twins are killing each other downstairs. Thankyou Joy

[Nic m]

Hi Joybed,

I'm with baddad and bid here.

 

My darling daughter, given an inch will take a mile, so i have had to toughen up big time.

She has a lovely caring nature most of the time, but if i let up for a minute then things escalate very quickly.

My daughter gets tired easily and quite stressed just doing things other families take for granted (i am sure we are not alone with this )

Anyway, i always found an excuse for this very bad behaviour, and now i don't.

I understand it but i am not prepared to tolerate it now.

It is very difficult and you will have a hard road ahead but you need to stick to your rules and your decisions.

 

My daughter recently said to me she saw no point in saying sorry to me for something she did because she wasn't sorry!

this is not a surprise to me, what was a surprise though to her was my reaction.

I made her sit while i told her how i felt (not sure how much went in) but i have reiterated what i expect while she lives with me.

I now feel that if rules can be followed everywhere else then there is enough understanding to follow them at home too.

(i used to think it was so tough for her to do this that i let her away with it at home!)

 

Good luck with whatever you decide

 

N x

[smiley1590]

it must be very hard for u n ya famili to knw where to go wid all tis stuf goin on im have AS im 18 yrs old now but growing up wivout a of dx n even wid one can b a foggi confusin anxious mess not knwing where to turn or wat to do for the best ma mum suffared wid PND afat having me n ma twin bro we were very sickli babies as born 3 months earli ma mum has meds n had counsellin none of wich helped ma mum but wat helps for sum doesnt helo for othas i gues ya son probo doesnt relise how controllin his ways n demands can b

 

but just becuse he has autism sumtymes doesnt excuse the behaviour but may explain y he finds fings extra challenging e may not get ya PND e may knw sumfink up n can sense it but doesnt not knw quite wat tat sumfink may b! family therapi may help every1 involved understand every1 personal situation abit more n help guard n arm u wid more info n knwledge i had fam therapi late on in ma teens didnt work for me but the earli the betta i fyl tat if may b more help n support was offared earla on i wuldnt have half the difficulties i am faced wid 2day n tat is a hard struggle n battle to ovacum

 

so plz plz read on fings get advise stay strong for ur son e needs u mre than u knw esp as e growin up in a world where judgemental comments n stuf can reli knock ya littla boi confidence n esteem down n tat can take yrs n yrs of work n effort to regain wat has bin taken away neva give up keep tri new fings new suggestions n ideas!

 

help ya son discova himself! if e asks questions answa him the best u can truthfulli n honest cay his diffrent but special to ova littla kids but u still luv n care for him for who e is not the diffrence in his lyf! tell him u b there no matta wat! hold him tel him u love him! wich i shore u do!

 

i knw its hard wid ur illness n his fightin but plz carri on fightin his corna becuse it wil al work out in the end ul c im so grateful tat ma parents stuck by me throu everyfink i done n sed it dune sum hurtful nasti n plain horrible fings lyk a norm kid i wana made ma parents n fam proud lyk every1 does just becuse autistic we feel fings just see fings differentli in our world! lol

 

mayb ya boi gets frustrated his not norm n mayb e doesnt understand his differences tat mayb showing in a controolin nature or mayb e trying to find the control so e feels e has it becuse ASD takes alot of tat stuf away n leaves ya bare wid nufink to start from!

 

there hope n the a future for ya littla boi e sound loveli just needs TLC lyk u do for tyme to tyme mayb u need u tyme tyme out away from him to relax n chil ask ya huubi if e wuldnt mind loking afta him for cuple of hours for u! tat wat it sounds lyk u need so desperateli! how u copin wid his autism diagnosis...? do u feel guilt anga bitterness hurt pain...? as tis al a norm way to feel a long tyme aftawards...? r u on meds for ya PND ....? do u get ny help n support for ya PND n for ya sons autism...? its sad ya ex dunt believe it the actual diagnosis term of autism as u n me both knw it exist n is very much real! is ya son on any meds atm...?

 

take care

hope ma stori helps u in a small way there is light there u just gota lok far enugh to see it there i promise u autism isnt a life sentence for the suffarar or the parents just fyls lyk it sumtymes gets ya tat way of finkin of fings!

 

KLxXxXX

[joybed]

Hi well we are back from the holiday and i am sorry to report it was even worse than expected. Marcus started complaining of ear pain the day we left so was being dosed up with paracetamol and ibuprofen. We found a doctor the day we got there and he had yet another ear infection. He has suffered from repetitive and severe infections since February he had been prescribed a spray so we had tried that first but ended up on antibiotics. The weather was a disaster rained virtually continually so this didn,t help as we were cooped up in a 5 berth caravan. When we did go out marcus complained he was bored all the time the things we wanted to do were boring and the things he wanted to do were totally inappropriate for the twins so i was trying to keep everyone happy. His behaviour was awfull he was argumentative about everything tried to control every aspect of the holiday said we were mean to him and allowed him no fun he may as well kill himself because his life is so bad. He hit me on a number of occasions and hit his siblings as well. If we sent him to his tent he would shout at strangers that he was being abused and would someone help him. If he didn,t get his own way in restaurants he would start squeeling and having a tantrum ang caused us great embarrassment. He reduced me to tears on a number of occasions when i am normally quite controlled. After 5 days he decided he wanted to go home and to begin with i refused as i said i wasn,t giving in to him but after another day of the same behaviour he was packed of to my Mums so the rest of us could have a bit of a holiday. Dh made a 320 mile round trip to do this. Since being at his nanas he has apparently been an angel and they don,t see the problems we have. My Mum is of the impression we cant cope and has offered to take him off our hands (her words not mine) but over my dead body. The reason Marcus likes to be there is she has no ground rules at all that i can see and he is allowed unlimited time on his computer. Which is fine but she doesn,t understand that this can,t happen at home as we have a very hectic life with school and work etc you know what i mean. I know he finds it difficult with the little ones and lack of a routine for him such as we had before twins but I bend over backwards to accomodate everyone with no thanks. I spoke to my sister and her words were well don,t beat yourself up about it it is just that he can do what he likes at mums house. Dh tries but really cant cope with marcus and as far as he is concerned he is coming on no more family holidays he will tow caravan for me and leave me there with kids which i don,t mind really but it will be hard work.

When we came home marcus had gone away for a few days with my parents I feel totally annoyed with them as I feel they are rewarding his bad behaviour with us also they didn,t tell me they were going (whose child is he). I spoke to Marcus the other day and said he had to come home to sort out his school uniform he complained and said he didn,t want to come home I pointed out this is where he lives and he said he wasn,t happy here. i am very upset by this and don,t know where to turn I want him home can,t have him living with my mum for reasons stated above but cant deal with stress either. I feel i am losing him and my mum is turning him against me DH thinks i am paranoid but my sister agrees with me. I can,t discuss this with my mum as we have a difficult relationship and the last time we had a disagreemant i was cut off from the family for 3 years (she is a bit of a control freek herself). Part of me feels like moving away with my immediate family and starting afresh but that would mean leaving so much behind. Sorry for the ramble but anyone any advice. As I have said I can see all sides of the picture M is struggling to cope for various reasons, twins have there needs that obviously need to be met, Dh has put up with a lot of ###### from Marcus and although he himself is not perfect has finally reached the point where he can barely speak to him and then there is me trying to be everything to everyone as usuall and keep smiling but at times feel I am drowning.

[NickyB]

Oh poor you <'> <'>

I totally understand where you're coming from - there are so many demands on you and it's hard trying to keep everyone happy.

 

Have you spoken with DH about how you're both feeling - it can be so easy to forget to communicate properly when life is so crazy (which is most of the time)

Would it be possible for you and hubby to get together with your Mum, somewhere neutral and without the kids, and talk it through calmly?

 

Can't really offer any more advice except for some honest conversations, which I guess you may already have tried.

 

In the longer term, do you have any local respite services in your area, so you might all be able to get a break. This may also let you have some more time with DH and the twins.

 

Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Flora]

Hiya,

 

What a nightmare!

 

First thing I would say is that you need to get him home from your mum's and don't send him back. That may sound extreme, but she doesn't sound particularly helpful or supportive anyway (apart from the respite value, which loses it's value when someone is that controlling). It's fine for Grandparents to spoil their grandkids, and there's nothing wrong with having a different set of rules in the two different environments; however if they than carry that forward to saying 'I will take him off your hands', then a very specific boundary has been crossed. He's your son, he lives with you, and he at least needs to get that message loud and clear. You risk falling out with your mum over this but tbh she isn't doing you any favours and she needs to know where the boundaries are, whether she likes it or not.

 

The other thing, when you do get him home, is for you to devise some way of getting control. A few posts in this thread already describe examples of this so I won't go into specifics on that again.

 

As for this:

 

Dh tries but really cant cope with marcus and as far as he is concerned he is coming on no more family holidays he will tow caravan for me and leave me there with kids which i don,t mind really but it will be hard work.

 

Marcus is his son too... so my answer to this would be; fine, don't come, and Marcus can stay at home with you while me and the littlies have a nice holiday

 

Hope you can get this all sorted. It may take time, but it will be well worth it. First thing is though, go get him from the Grandparents and get him home! He's your son, and at aged 12 you own the air he breathes (sounds harsh but hey that's the message he needs to get).

 

Flora <'>

[darky]

I have to say my 9yr old girl sounds so similar. From a young age I called her the "raptor" as in Jurassic park. In that, she will systematically test the fences for weaknesses. I still say "where there is a will, there is Rhiannon" She will ALWAYS try to find a way through the boundry. Like at school, she used to pinch the blue tac as she likes to eat it, so the teacher locked it in the drawer. My girl then peeled the blue tac off the back of posters and displays. She used to peel the wallpaper off her bedroom wall. So we done a social story about it. We got her to choose the bedroom she wanted, we did a star chart for her, once she earnt the stars for looking after her room and NOT peeling off wallpaper in there, she would get her bedroom. She looked after her bedroom really well, but then peeled the paper off on the landing just outside her room, and moved her toys out onto the landing

 

My girl does not see herself as a child at all, but an adult. She mimicks what I say and what I do, and decisions I, and teachers, TA's and her session worker make.

 

Where ever she goes and what ever she does and no matter who she is with it is ESSENTIAL that we all have similar, very tight rules and boundries, because she will always look for the weakness and the gap. Once she is established a relationship with an adult, it has to stay that way, she needs very tight boundries. She needs to, at all times, to be aware that she is the child, and can not make the decisions or manipulate a situation.

 

At school they tried to say it would be unhealthy and unreasonable for her to keep to the same TA all the time. They soon changed their perspective, when she started tying the new TA's in knots. Children like this NEED this stricked boundries, or they will continue to raise the stakes.

 

For the most part it is silly little things she will do to attempt to assert control. Like for example, there will be an old cut on her leg she will ask for a plaster. When the plaster is refused, she will dig into the cut and make it bleed and present the same injury hoping to get a plaster. Even if she does not get a plaster, she will be expecting some sort of reaction or attention, so even simple little things like this we pay her no attention or, I should point out, she will continuosly re-open old wounds or even make news ones. Seems a little harsh I know, but giving her a plaster or attention, means when she goes to school, and is bored or frustrated in a lesson, she will do the same there. When she started middle school last September, she quickly realised that cuts could get her out of a situation. The school said they had no choice but to attend to a bleeding wound, so we had to supply spray plaster as a compromise to ensure that a minor injury could be attended to without fuss or distraction from what she was doing.

 

With children like this, it's important that they are not allowed to assert control and that they are frequently reminded that they are the child. It is a tough job, because they still must be allowed some choices and decisions, but it must always be at a time when they are not trying to assert control and on the adults terms not the child.

 

I notice my girl is at her worst when there is little rountine or structure, or uncertainty as to what is going to happen next. I think her "control" is her way of attempting to have some sort of predictability. I find that giving the children little jobs to do before meal times for example helps. One lays the table, one gets out the sauces and condiments, one carries some food in. Things like that, but it is always my decision as to who does what. If they argue, they don't do the job, that's their choice if they don't want to get involved. As for who sits where, that was a problem until I decided who sits where and that is where they sit all the time.

 

My girl will attempt to raise the bar all the time. She paddies and tantrums, but actually that is ok because she is angry, we all get angry. She will say the most horrible things in a tantrum, and the more I engage with her, the worse she gets. The more I worry about reactions from others, the worse she gets. I just calmly tell her in a low voice that she is making the choice to behave that way, and she can join us or we will move on when she has calmed down. She always calms down now after a short period of time, and we have a little chat, a hug and we carry on.

 

We have had these issues all the time on days out or on holiday. For example monkey world last year. Once she had seen one monkey, she decided that she wanted to go to the play park. She did not understand that the play park was right at the end, and to get there, the rest of us were going to want to see all the monkeys first. So she threw a massive tantrum. She grisled moaned, stamped her feet, threw off her shoes and made a right fuss. We ignored her for a while. Eventually, I took her to one side and told her that we would not be going to the play park until we got there, which was when we were ready and after we had seen the monkeys. I explained that she had a choice, she could tantrum all the way round if she wanted or look at the monkeys with us and accept we would get to the play park when we were ready. Either way, we were not going to get there any quicker. Once she realised that actually the tantrum was harder work than just accepting the boundry, she calmed down. Sometimes when she is tantruming or grisleling I just stop where I am and tell her I will continue when she has stopped. I do allow her to be angry and tantrum it out, but she will always know that the tantrum does not get her what she wants, if anything it will slow things up!

 

I do sympathise with you. It is hard work. But like any child, AS or not, they push it sometimes. Children with AS find it harder to accept or understand the rules or boundries, and most do not understand the impact of their behavior and needs and wants on other people. They can learn though and they do still need to learn, but it is a much harder and much slower process than it is for most other children.

 

If you have someone who is not prepared to go along with your rules and boundries, then it is not a good idea to involve them, in my opinion. It only means more work, more confusion and anger for a child that does not understand. You can work very hard at home or when the child is with you, but if someone else breaks a rule you have been trying to enforce, it can undo all your work. Conflicting boundries is a recipie for disaster with children like this. In my opinion of course.

[Enid]

Oh god you poor thing, you have my absolute sympathy, having a similar boy to yourselves I really do know what its like, we had a good holiday with family just recently but the one in Feb half-term was a nightmare for the same reasons as you and I cancelled the Haven hols which we do every year as there was no way I could have coped, but like you then the littlies miss out. I would be tempted to keep your Mum on side if I could bear it! FOR THE RESPITE! could you not just go with hubby and twins next time and let him have a holiday with your Mum, like you I would be furious with her, but if she had him full-time she would soon see the other side of him, he couldnt keep it up for ever!! and then maybe she would see what you mean, just enjoy the break to give yourself time to regroup before you have him back. good luck!!! Enid

[joybed]

Thankyou all for your replies and understanding it really does mean a lot to know you all understand. The thing is with my mum when she is on side she is a great support and yes great for respite. The problem is she can change at the drop of a hat one minute she is completely on your side the next totally against you. My sister and i have learnt not to tell her too much as she uses it against you and we try to rock the boat as little as possible. i recently made the mistake of telling her DH had told Marcus he wanted nothing to do with him in the heat of the moment and she totally twisted it until she had convinced herself Dh was abusing Marcus and was about to ring social services. My sister and i have also learnt to check out stories my mum tells us about each other as they are usually exagerated and could cause us to fall out big time. A classic example happened recently, My cousin gets married next year and we are going for a hen weekend to magaluf I am sharing a room with my niece who is 17. I went on holiday with my mum when Marcus was small and we had a row because she said i had to be in the apartment before midnight (I was 27 at the time) I refused and said she had no right to tell me what time to come in as i was grown woman etc and things became heated. Whilst discussing Maguluf with Jade (niece) my Mum said she wouldnt advice sharing a room with me as i became nasty when I had a drink. She then told me Jade was worried about sharing a room with me as I drink too much (total lie). I knew Jade wouldnt have said this and asked her about it, of course it was all made up. She likes to be in control and feel needed and of course she feels she always will be by marcus my worry is she will get fed up when she sees what hard work it is and probably for a long time in the future. She hates my DH has he will not let her control him in anyway and tells her what he thinks, Miles doesn,t visit my parents at all and Mum only comes to our house at the kids birthday and they stay in seperate rooms. She has only had the twins twice overnight as she refuses to follow our rules lets them stay up late and gives then too many sweets, So Miles will only them visit her if I also go. Miles is Marcus stepdad so doesn,t feel he can make these rules with him as she played a big part in his life till I met miles when Marcus was 4.

Darky your Daughter and Marcus sound like twins M too has real issues with being called a child he doesn,t like having childs meals getting child entry to places etc. He is definately entering the teenage phase but doesn,t grasp that some of his ways are still immature for his age. He is totally lost without his computer and has no idea what to do when he has no technical gadgets to fall back on. He has such limited interests and this is even more obvious now the twins are becoming very imaginative. Piers and Lydia will play out whatever the weather and have such a great time together and it makes me sad to see M sat looking so sad and lost. This is made harder as school think everything is OK and he has the ability to go to university, get a job, live a normal life etc but to be honest and this might sound dramatic but if he doesn,t learn to abide by rules and keep his mouth shut and not be so argumentative he will either end up in prison or be badly beaten up or worse. At the moment I can,t ever see him leading an independent life and this pains me to say it but at the moment he is not even a very nice person. He appears manipulative and nasty even to me and i am his Mum. i know the world is a confusing place to him and he probably behaves this way to get some control but the general public won,t understand this and I don,t want to see him alone, likewise I don,t Piers and Lydia to feel they have to take care of him when I am gone they have their own lives. I know this is a long time in the future (Ihope) but I cant help but worry. So there you have it all my worries out in the open. I have probably told you all far too much so sorry for being a drama queen but its good to talk as they say.

[Nic m]

joybed,

 

it may be hard but i am going to suggest something completely different.

My daughter can also be very manipulative and her paternal grandparents are my main support, we get along for the most part but there are always underlying feelings to contend with.

Anyway to start with they support me when i have to reign my daughter in, but quickly blood becomes thicker than water and magically it is my parenting at fault.

to solve this i leave my daughter with them for a few days and they all have enough of each other when rules and routines have to be followed, and my daughter is reminded of who is really on her side.

I don't mind her visiting them and i don't mind that they have different rules from me but because she is usually there at weekends and holidays then they don't have to instill bedtimes etc.

So when i become the wicked witch i let them all enjoy each others company a little too long and that endearing behaviour soon hits home when work and school beckons.

 

Its just a thought and i know sometimes it is counterproductive but when things have gone so far that you are not being listened to at all then it may be worth a try.

 

good luck

 

Nicola

[Enid]

Joybed, you havnt said too much, just put into print what most of us, with very difficult children are thinking all the time, if we can see how controlling/difficult they are, and, as you say we are the MUMS, what on earth are other people seeing/thinking. what going to happen in the future!!!!! will they still be living with us in their 30`s controlling us, oh god, going to bed now before i say another word! night all. Enid