Work

[Tally]

Sorry, this is really long. That's because it is complicated!

 

I used to like my job and was also happy that I had finally settled into something that I could manage.

 

But it is different now. Since just before Christmas we have had a constant stream of new starters. I am not trained in training people. The new starters have got very upset with my lack of positivity. I find it difficult to cope with the intense communication required in order to explain everything I am doing, and frustrating when people don't listen and aren't interested.

 

Two of the new starters have had severe mental/behavioural problems, and I was offered no support or protection in dealing with them. I didn't tell anyone about the problems I was having with the first one until it became completely unbearable because I could not define what he was doing that actually went against the rules. It was his neediness, obsession and insecurity that I couldn't stand, rather than actual threats or anything definable. Shortly after he left, I kind of had a bit of a breakdown and got signed off work for two weeks. Coping with his behaviour was a contributing factor. When I got back to work the Personnel Manager asked me if there was anything I needed them to do to help and I said I just want some peace and quiet because I am finding it hard to cope with all the new people, and he said he would make sure that the others took the strain with training the new starters, so I thought all was good.

 

With the second, I thought it was best to let the managers know what was going on sooner and more often, so that they could step in, but in doing so I actually managed to alienate the ones who are in a position to help me most (Store Manager and Personnel Manager). I thought I had learned from where I went wrong with the first, but it ended up worse. The Store Manager told me that he cannot do anything until (sic) the new starter hit me. I was so frightened I tried to resign, but we agreed that I didn't have to talk to this man at all and could just stay away from him. Finally he left, claiming that working with me was intolerable. Having recently had huge problems with another person, I was worried that they might see me as the common factor. But I have got on OK with other new starters, other people had also complained about him, and I was never spoken to about it, so I think (hope) they realise the truth.

 

Then one of the managers asked several of us if we were interested in a vacancy on another department. It would have meant working all alone for half of the night, which would be very good. However, it would mean that all the pressure was on me to get everything done on time, often sharing my workspace with a VERY annoying man for the final 4 hours, and sharing my workspace for the final 2 hours with the most cliqueish group of people you ever could imagine. I was also concerned that so soon after being so ill was not a good time to be considering a change (although in retrospect, it would have offered more stability in the long term than my current department). The hours were not what I wanted either. The manager asked for an answer the following day, so without really getting a chance to think it through properly and psych myself up for such a big change, I said no. He then asked me again, every time he saw me, for two weeks on end. He even agreed to change the hours to suit me, but that would have meant changing someone else's hours, leading to resentment before I had even started the job so I kept saying no. He even made me try it out for one shift with the department manager, and when I arrived for my trial shift, the department manager had been told that I had taken the job and was training all week. Again, I turned it down. The he went around telling people that he was sure he could sweet-talk me into it. I was really angry about this and dreaded going into work because of him for weeks. I was scared I would end up sick again, because I felt really stressed by it. I told him that I felt harrassed and that if he carried on I would make sure his behaviour was noted on record by making a formal grievance before it made me so ill I had to take time off work again.

 

The following day the same manager asked me to do some overtime. I said, "yes, I could really do with the extra money, I can come in early." But he didn't want me to come in early, he wanted me to just "pop in" from 4-8pm. I don't call 4 hours "popping in." 4 hours is half a shift. I pointed out that I am normally still asleep at 4pm, and if he wants me to do extra work, I really need more sleep, not less. He asked if I could just do 4-6 then, and I said exactly the same. He went on and on and in the end I told him, "you're being completely unreasonable. You wouldn't just pop in for four hours in the middle of the night and then come back for an early shift." He looked confused, but he must have realised he was being unreasonable, because he did not ask anyone else off nights to do it.

 

So I have successfully alienated yet another member of the senior management team.

 

Recently I have been struggling a lot. I don't want to go to work and I hate it when I get there. Last Friday was really bad and I just couldn't stop crying. I eventually pulled myself together and got to work half an hour late. I think it must have been obvious I had been crying because instead of complaining about having his break interrupted and asking me where I had been, the department manager was much more friendly than usual . . . he actually told me what I needed to do instead of leaving me to guess

 

On Saturday I just couldn't face it any more so I phoned in sick. I spoke to the Store Manager, the one who I have upset. I didn't think he would take me seriously if I told him the real reason, so I told him I had been repeatedly vomiting, but he just said, he couldn't see what the problem was and I should just come to work anyway. He said everyone off the night shift was going sick at the moment, and he was disappointed to see me jumping on the bandwagon because I used to be one of the reliable ones. He tried to persuade me to ring back again later, but I knew he would only carry on with the same abuse, so I kept saying that I wasn't well enough to make repeated phone calls, and I was not well enough to come in to work that night. In the end he agreed to let me go sick. I felt bad because, even though I really couldn't go in, I was lying about what was wrong.

 

I went in Sunday because it was easier than getting a load of abuse, but on Monday morning I got signed off with depression again. I was off sick last week and now I am on holiday for a week, and due back on Sunday. I am going to go back on Sunday too. I am not dreading it quite so much now. But it is not working. I can't carry on hating every minute of it until I have to go sick every few months because it gets too much again.

 

I am also over-stretched financially and beginning to get into debt on my credit card. There isn't really anything I can cut back on. On paper, everything balances OK without the car-related expenses, but I have not factored in the public transport costs, or the cost of hiring a car to travel on Xmas Day and Boxing Day (working in retail, I do not get the option to travel to my family on days that public transport is running). I have also not really considered the inconvenience or stress of public transport. Going out at all is a big problem for me at the moment, but knowing I can travel in peace makes it a lot easier.

 

I am not coping with full time work and need to drop one shift. They do not accept part-timers on nights, so it would mean going back to working days in a busy shop, which I found extremely stressful before, and does not pay as well. I cannot afford to do this, but if I carry on as I am I am going to end up long-term sick and eventually losing my job altogether.

 

I have considered applying for DLA because even at the lowest rate, it should cover running the car. I spent ages writing about how awful I am on the form, and ended up really upset about it all. The problem is that all the contributions I have had are about things I didn't even realise were problems before, so I haven't told my GP about them. I know that it is recommended you see your doctor with the form, but I don't think he will believe me if I suddenly start claiming I have all these difficulties now that I might get money. I feel like I will crack up if I get any disappointments like the doctor not believing me or getting rejected, so I have not applied yet. I've put everything I have into the application, and if they turn me down, as they so commonly do for first-time applicants, I don't have anything additional to add.

 

There are many other things I am not coping with either with trying to live independently. I don't feel like I am coping at all. My house is falling apart around me and I don't know where to start with getting it fixed, nor can I really afford to pay for it. When I was married the Ex knew so many people who could do these jobs cheaply, but I don't really know anyone who can fix things. His brother was a builder and always did jobs as Christmas presents for us. When I had to arrange something more complicated, I knew that if I didn't do it he would shout at me, so I managed to get it done. Now there are more things to get sorted and no one to complain if it doesn't get done, I just can't cope with it any more.

 

At the moment I see no other solution than to go and live with my parents again. I might, eventually be able to buy somewhere close to them, where they could help me out. Not for now though.

 

It's work that I don't know about though.

 

I can get a transfer to a different store, but it's the same problem. I can work full time nights and not cope with the hours. Or I can work part time days and I can't cope with the work. It would also mean traveling into London, by myself, late at night, so I don't know if I would be safe.

 

I could look for other kinds of work, but I don't really know what kinds of things there are. I would like to work with cats, but jobs with cats all involve working with dogs as well, and I am scared of dogs. I think that I could do voluntary work with cats only, and prove that way that I am good enough with the cats to be worth giving an adjusted job to, but I can't make demands about the job description without proving myself first.

 

I can see myself in my new bedroom, but the one thing I can't see is work. The not knowing is really scary. Doing what I am doing now is not an option, nor is doing what I want to do, but I just don't know what I will end up doing. I am worried I will end up not working at all, and then I will get trapped in a cycle of not working and not know how to get a job again. I am scared that I don't have the strength to get a job any more.

[jo jones]

tally <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> for u

[Flora]

Tally,

 

I really wish I knew what to say or to advise I went from job to job before I had kids because I found it really stressful negotiating my way through the politics that exist within groups of work colleagues.... the stress was unbearable. All I can say is that as I've got older I've learned to distance myself from it all.... although I haven't worked full time since Bill was born (14 years ago) and I'm about to go back to nursing f/t.... so watch this space!

 

I do know exactly how you feel... and the stresses at work will not be helped by things going awry in your day to day home life either.

 

Could you try citizens advice for help with debt management? And meanwhile look for solutions... for instance look into selling your home and renting or moving back with your parents for a while, and look for jobs in other super markets or different type of work that entails nights but will have less hassle from other staff?

 

Try to approach it methodically, one thing at a time, without panicking and trying to deal with everything at once.

 

Flo' XX

[Tally]

I forgot to add that I will not be able to work nights from my parents' house because my mum has just spent loads of money on special blinds that offer privacy but let in as much light as possible. She has this obsession with sunlight. I don't have the heart to tell her quite how much I really wish she hadn't done that.

[bid]

I forgot to add that I will not be able to work nights from my parents' house because my mum has just spent loads of money on special blinds that offer privacy but let in as much light as possible. She has this obsession with sunlight. I don't have the heart to tell her quite how much I really wish she hadn't done that.

 

Tally, I'm sure if you explained to her your mum would let you add curtains with black-out linings. Maybe you're getting worried about quite small things like this because you are feeling so stressed about the large things? As a mum, I would be horrified if I knew one of my kids was worrying about something like that <'>

 

Would moving back to your parents for a while make you feel better do you think? Sometimes we all need to make our lives as stress-free as possible. When my marriage broke down when Auriel was 10 months old I went home, and lived there for another 3 years until I'd got myself back on my feet.

 

Take care <'>

 

Bidx

[smiley]

Tally <'> ><

 

You seem to have so much going on- i'm not surprised you feel swamped by it all <'>

 

Taking time off would give you some space to breathe.

 

<'> ><

[Frangipani]

Tally

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

I think by typing that out, you will feel a lot clearer in your mind what you really need to do. The most important thing is to look after your health.

 

I think you know in your heart what you need to do. Just don't feel guilty about making any of these decisions. As I see guilt is stopping you from doing what you feel you need to do. Perhaps there is a sense of anxiety but the more you talk about it her and with your mum, the pieces of that puzzle will become clearer in your mind.

 

It is impossible to think clearly when you are completely stressed.

 

In the short term do what is achievable. Don't put yourself in burn out mode any longer. From what you wrote - you have done your best and the best is all you can do. You have huge responsibities and I know all to well how hard it is to juggle it all on your own.

 

Thats why I work from home. Like you said, you need some time out before you make another career change so you can think clearly.

 

Keep posting though hun, it really helps you process your thoughts when you write it down. Just by doing that, the answers will become clearer.

 

Become an accountant. Most flexible job ever. be your own boss. Even better. Just a suggestion.

 

Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'>

 

Love Fran.

 

xx

[Kathryn]

Tally

 

<'>

 

It sounds as though life is overwhelming.

 

I think that's sound advice from others: try and tackle your worries one at a time.

 

This site is excellent for lots of money saving tips, big and small. Also, persevere with the DLA. L got it first time at a time when she had virtually no official history of any difficulties. So don't give up hope.

 

Working with cats could be a dream job for you, if someone would pay you to do it! Volunteering might be a good start, a worthwhile thing to do in itself, and you never know, a job opportunity might come along.

 

K x

[LicklePaulie]

In the end he agreed to let me go sick. I felt bad because, even though I really couldn't go in, I was lying about what was wrong.

I know it's easier said than done but don't allow yourself to be bullied in this way. It is not in your manager/supervisor's power to deny you the ability to take sick leave providing you are, upon your return to work, able to supply the relevant paperwork (e.g. Doctor's note if you take more than three days). Legally, you are simply bound to let your employer know of your absence and its reason at the earliest opportunity.

I am not coping with full time work and need to drop one shift. They do not accept part-timers on nights, so it would mean going back to working days in a busy shop, which I found extremely stressful before, and does not pay as well. I cannot afford to do this, but if I carry on as I am I am going to end up long-term sick and eventually losing my job altogether.

The Disability Discrimination Act states that your employer should make all reasonable adjustments to your working conditions to enable you to operate to your optimum ability so I would suggest looking into this and attempting to get some sort of compromise solution

I have considered applying for DLA because even at the lowest rate, it should cover running the car. I spent ages writing about how awful I am on the form, and ended up really upset about it all. The problem is that all the contributions I have had are about things I didn't even realise were problems before, so I haven't told my GP about them. I know that it is recommended you see your doctor with the form, but I don't think he will believe me if I suddenly start claiming I have all these difficulties now that I might get money. I feel like I will crack up if I get any disappointments like the doctor not believing me or getting rejected, so I have not applied yet. I've put everything I have into the application, and if they turn me down, as they so commonly do for first-time applicants, I don't have anything additional to add.

The forms alone are a nightmare and my experience also tells me that they will reject the claim in the first instance (though they also have been known to overturn their decision even before it gets to appeal stage). My advice would be to bite the bullet, expect initial rejection (thus preparing yourself for it) and pushing for it upon appeal - If you don't ask, you will not get! Also, don't worry about your doctor's reaction. Take them calmly through the matters you have not addressed before and, if they're doing their job and listening, you should be ok.

There are many other things I am not coping with either with trying to live independently. I don't feel like I am coping at all.

Just hang on in there. You've got this far in life and, if you're anything like the rest of us, you've probably been through worse times in the past. As others have already suggested, don't try to deal with all your problems as a single amalgous lump but divide them up into their individual components and face one at a time. As one issue is resolved, not only do you have one less to deal with but you gain the drive to deal with another, and then another, and so on.

 

I'm sorry if this advice seems a little over-familiar - I'm not a deep personal friend I know. Similarly, I don't mean to be too abrasive when I deal with employment issues - I have AS and know how hard it can be to assert oneself at times but the law is there for a reason.

 

Could you try citizens advice for help with debt management?

This is a good idea for employment advice/advocacy as well, though I know they now have quite stringent requirements to even get to see them! If you do qualify, they can give you lots of good advice in all sorts of areas. Edited July 29, 2008 by LicklePaulie

[Karen A]

Hi Tally. <'> <'>

If you decide to apply for DLA then it may be worth investigating whether there is a group in your area that support people and help with submitting the application.People who help people with the form completion can help reduce the stress and having things worded in a way that can easily be recognised by those assessing applications may increase the chance of acceptance.

There may be a charity in your area that is a specialist in offering benefits advice.You may find that there are other benefits available to you as well or the advisor may also be able to suggest other ways to help with housing or finances.

When I was district nursing I always suggested that people obtained specialist advice in completing DLA forms and obtaining benefits advice because the experts do help make form filling less stressful.Karen.

[pearl]

<'> Tally <'> you sound so overwhelmed.

Funny I was only thinking about you last night before I read this & thinking how far away from family support you were. I think it would be a good idea to live nearer to your mum & dad - and the support would be mutual as they get older & might need some help from you.

 

Have you thought about selling up & renting rather than buying? It might seem like a backward step but can be useful in some situations. If you have equity in your house that would help with your debts. And for home maintenance you go direct to your landlord who is supposed to sort that kind of thing out. I don't think you'd qualify for social housing though, so you'd be looking at the private sector.

 

I think you have been exceptionally unlucky in your work colleagues/management which has really affected your confidence & enjoyment of your job. Maybe a fresh start with a transfer elsewhere might be helpful.

 

Just remember how much you have achieved & be very proud of yourself. And like others have said, one step at a time, dont try to do everything at once.

[alanm]

I can see myself in my new bedroom, but the one thing I can't see is work. The not knowing is really scary. Doing what I am doing now is not an option, nor is doing what I want to do, but I just don't know what I will end up doing. I am worried I will end up not working at all, and then I will get trapped in a cycle of not working and not know how to get a job again. I am scared that I don't have the strength to get a job any more.

Just posting to send some moral support, as I'm in such a similar boat, having had a terrible job in January and now being out of work myself. I couldn't have done that training stuff.

<'>

 

Best wishes, Alan

[Tally]

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions. I've been trying not to think about it while I was away, because I just wanted to enjoy myself. I am pleased to say that I did manage that

 

I had a terrible journey home last night, which has reminded me of yet more things I have problems with.

 

One of my friends is going to let me know if any vacancies crop up where he works at the NAS HQ, although I am not really sure that office work is what I want to do and it would take well over an hour to travel there. At least it would be an income though, and I should be well supported there!

 

I might be able to get a transfer with my existing employer. They don't have a branch too close to my parents' house, but it could be a temporary solution.