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carrieq

Family...Again!!!

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Feeling really angry at the moment so really just looking for a bit of therapy and getting this out of my system!!

 

Posted last week about mum saying she won't be having ds again I have now found out that after saying they won't be coming to my youngest's birthday they will be in the area. It is my sil 30th a couple of weeks later so they had decided to see dd then for her birthday which was fine as they haven't come to very many birthdays.

 

Sil is having 3d scan on dd's birthday so mum and dad are going to that, very close to where we live. They have said they will now come and see dd after scan and taking brother and sil out to lunch! Also say that they thought dd's birthday was going to be celebrated at sil joint 30th with her friend. We have never been consulted about this, can't see a bunch of 30 somethings playing musical statues with a gang of pre-schoolers! We were going to take a cake along for her but the party is more than 2 weeks after her birthday so it will be confusing for her.

 

Feeling really sensitive about the whole thing. They know my kids have no relationship with dh parents and just feel we are being slowly pushed out. They see dh parents are very close to his brother's child and now it seems to be happening with the grandparents they know. Just feel annoyed that they can make the trip to attend a scan but weren't going to see their grandchild who is here on her birthday.

 

Feels a wee bit better!!

Carrie

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Hi

 

Don't blame you for feeling angry.

 

Very difficult thing to do, but would it be worth telling them how you feel, either over the phone or by letter/email? The hope would be that this would get things out in the open, clear the air and then they'd be much more tolerant/considerate/caring (obviously it could go the other way, but thinking positively ...). It can be surprising that some people actually don't seem to realise how their behaviour or actions affect others and families are complicated things!

 

I must admit to feeling like my son and I are confined the the background sometimes. My sister is having a tough time after going through a nasty divorce and she has two older kids in their teens. Obviously she relies on our parents to help her out on occasions and this results in my folks not having the time or the energy to see much of my son or help me out occasionally. Difficult. I know my mum is aware of it because one day she actually said that she knew she hadn't been there for me. I wasn't quite sure what to say, but I've basically just accepted that that's how things are and have concentrated on R and keeping myself sane!

 

I think that attitudes and understanding of ASDs come into the equation as well. I've experienced generally old dearies commenting on R is just badly behaved, and in their day ...., etc etc. I also experienced downright hostile neighbours whom I took to task about the way they used to speak to my son. One day I cornered them and presented them with a leaflet on AS and said that as we were neighbours and they are aware that R has AS, that perhaps the leaflet would inform them of his specific difficulties. They turned out to be two incredibly ignorant individuals, however, there are others who perhaps make assumptions because they're ill-informed but are much more understanding once they know more.

 

Try and keep the chin up!

 

Caroline.

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I had just this problem but with my own parents. I even had birthday cards sent through the post, when they live less than a mile away. My sister is golden girl. My parents always sat for her children, took them away, my sister could always just drop in when she felt like it, but me, I always had to ring in advance and the excuses for me not being able to go round you wouldn't believe!! It was bad enough anyway, when I did see them, they would always be going on about my sister and her perfect boys. The straw that broke the camels back, was my husbands birthday, just before xmas 4 years ago. My parents knocked the door, thrust the card in my hand for my husband whilst saying they had to go because my dad was going out with my brother in law. They didn't stop to think either that was insensitive to mention it, or perhaps invite my husband as well!! Then it was xmas. They were spending xmas with my sister and her family. Fine, I was used to that, so I invited them round boxing day, which incidently is my birthday.

 

Once we had convinced them that my husband would not drink but pick them up and drop them home, they agreed to stay about an hour. Meanwhile the chosen sister was arguing with my other sister, so I had a phone call the day before boxing day to say they wouldn't come to my house. I was upset of course, it was nothing to do with me. I bought all their favorate food and drinks, I guess for a little acceptance, which was thrown back in my face. They really were looking for an excuse to be honest not to come. That was the straw that broke the camels back. I told them that they were looking for an excuse, and I told them they favoured my sister and her perfect boys. That was it for me, the barriers went up and I was disowned. My mum spits absolute poisen for me now, she hates my guts. She will never speak to me again. The last words she said to me four years ago were "you have done nothing to make me proud of you, you disgust me, you are poisen and your children will be to. I want nothing to do with any of you"

 

Thing is, people like that always make you feel as if it's you the one with the problem. In all honesty I think it is there own guilt. They know what they are doing is wrong, but it is perfect deflection. If they are anything like my parents, they will not accept what you have to say. I wrote a letter to my mum, and she read it as she wanted to read it. It fueled her anger and hatred towards me all the more. Being on this side of the fence, my advice could perhaps be more black and white. Either accept the way things are, and keep some sort of relationship, or say what's on your mind and risk the relationship full stop.

 

I am still heartbroken and I think I always will be. BUT having said that, I don't torture myself now with what I should expect from them, and feeling hurt every time I am let down or pushed aside along with the children.

 

It probably does not help much, but I do understand completely how you are feeling. It hurts :tearful:>:D<<'>

Edited by darky

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Really sorry to hear such sad posts :(>:D<<'>

 

My brothers and SILs were never supportive nor helped when my DS was little, but my mum and dad did until they got too old.

 

One thing that I think is difficult, though...it's a fraught situation if maybe older grandparents have to deal with challenging behaviour :(

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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Darky you are better off without your mum, how could she say that to you, what right has she to do that to you, and your sister will no way be perfect, there is no such thing, we all have failures, thats how we learnt, your post infuriated me, you have come a long way to have been treated like that from your mum, sometimes its less pressure, less stress and less responsibilites to walk away, a fantastic book I read is called toxic parents, brilliant and recommend it.

 

Carrie I would write, or arrange a way of communicating, you cant let them walk away like this, if its going to end then it would be better if you had an oportunity to express how you feel, and share that, how I look at it sometimes is if others want to ignore, reject, abandand then its them who looses out, not you or your son, you are there for your son, he has you, It certainly is hard work families sometimes.

 

Good luck,

 

JsMum

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carrieq >:D<<'>

 

Whatever their reasons for being like this it doesn't make it any the less hurtful for you :(

 

Families can be the best thing to have around you, but then again, in situations like this, they can sometimes cause more hurt than anything else. Sometimes they can let you down, as in this case, just when you need them the most :(

 

Flora XXXX

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Thanks J's Mum and others. I have looked up toxic parents and read some bits of it. It is my mother that's for sure. I am going to order this book. I am over the worst of it now. For the first year it was very tough, and I didn't cope well, but I had a choice, live with it, or let it consume me. I owe it to myself and my family to be strong for them. I found out some things my mother avoided telling me all my life, and that helped me to move on and to realise this was NOT in my head and I wasn't to blame, but I won't pretend, it will always hurt a lot. That hurt will never go as long as I live. I live with rejection every day. I live with the fact my mother hates my guts, and lives less than a mile from me. I live with the fact one day my parents will pass away and I will have to live with that to. At the same time though, every little thing I achieve I see as triumph against her. I am not the person my mother thinks I am. My dad is just an Aspie. He just goes along with her. I still miss him, but she managed to poisen him against me as well. She told my dad that I nursed his dying mother just to get at him. My dad looked at me with dead eyes and hatred at my Nan's funeral with my mum and sister stood either side of him. That is the hardest thing to live with. BUT like I said, I work hard to ensure that it does NOT consume me or effect my children. Sorry to hyjack your thread.

 

I really hope you manage to get this sorted. I do speak openly about this situation, because when it happened to me, there wasn't anyone I could relate to. I want people to know I have been through this, then they know they are not alone, nor are they to blame. >:D<<'>

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Darky here is a open and honest one of these. >:D<<'> your post was deeply moving, you are a strong cookie, hope the books helps, personally the book needs to be along side some support, councilling or similair, because its a very raw book, but it gets to the root core, it really does sound like your doing a really great job been a mum and a partener with your family.

 

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

JsMum

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Darky, No need to apologise, I only hope you manage to get some resolution with yourself. You are right about putting all the energy into our kids and trying not to waste that energy on other peoples losses!

Thinking of you

Carrie

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