bonkers Report post Posted August 25, 2008 Hi all I've been reading for a while and have picked up a lot of useful information, but nothing that really applies to me. And actually, quite a bit that really scares me. As a bit of background, almost two years ago I met someone online through a forum which we both shared a mutual interest in. Other than that we're basically chalk and cheese. I didn't know about his condition to begin with, and when I did find out, it didn't matter to me. I've never thought of him as "different" (maybe wrongly) and I've always taken him for who he is. He told me his diagnosis was "tentative", so I'm not 100% convinced he has AS (please forgive me if my terminology is wrong, I'm new to this.) He shows some of the signs, but not others, and no-one would ever guess at his diagnosis just from meeting him. He's opened up to me in ways I don't think he's able to with anyone else, although there are certain things he's not comfortable talking about (but he will if I ask him.) But over the months I have fallen for him, hook, line and sinker. Perhaps some might judge me on that, but I can honestly say I've never felt this way about any man in my life. Anyway, we're hoping to meet up soon. It's been a rocky road - I'm a very emotional person, and he copes well with that, but I know he won't ever be able to empathise with me, although he tries to understand. I'm very nervous about meeting up, although he doesn't seem too phased. Despite my feelings for him there are obviously doubts - what if it doesn't work out? Well, I've been through everything hundreds of times in my head. Okay, so some of you might be reading this wondering what the problem is, but I'm currently in a relationship (with a man who knows I don't love him), but I have children. And I need to know whether to take the gamble with this man who makes me feel - well - alive. And like there's finally something worth living for. When I started reading this forum I had a hundred questions, but I suppose it all boils down to one thing: can he love me? I mean really and truly? Because that's the one thing that's most important to me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 25, 2008 Can someone with AS truly love another person? Of course they can! Should you pursue this relationship? Couldn't possible advise I'm afraid! Bid (who has AS herself) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted August 25, 2008 can he love me? I mean really and truly? Can someone with AS love you truly, madly, deeply. Ditto Bid, of course he can. Will he love you in the way that you need him to? That's a risk in any relationship, with anyone, regardless of wiring. You can't make any decisions without ever actually having met the man, so it's very early stages to be asking others for advice really. As a parent, I'd say that your children should be your first priority until they are no longer dependent on you. It sounds as if you have no easy choices, and that whether your friend has AS is the least of your worries. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bonkers Report post Posted August 26, 2008 As a parent, I'd say that your children should be your first priority until they are no longer dependent on you. They're not young, and they are aware of the problems between myself and their father. That's an aside really. But thanks for the replies. Makes me feel a lot better. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 26, 2008 Hello, and welcome to the forum, I am an adult with AS. People with AS are certainly capable of love. I think it is normal for people to find painful subjects difficult to discuss, and people with AS often have the additional difficulty with verbalising emotions. Remember that a lack of empathy does not mean a lack of care. The very fact that he is trying to understand shows that he cares. It might be that you need to communicate your feelings and the reaction that would help, where another person might intuitively be able to work out. For example, even if it is obvious that you are struggling to carry heavy shopping bags, you might actually need to tell him that you would like him to carry a bag for you. It is normal for a person with AS to have some traits but not others. Additionally, people who have grown up undiagnosed often learn strategies to cope or disguise some traits. This can make the diagnostic process more complicated. The NHS adult diagnostic services are woefully inadequate, so accessing a diagnosis can be extremely difficult for adults. Most people who seek diagnosis get a diagnosis. So it is likely that, if he thinks he has AS, he almost definitely does. I have met with many other adults with AS. Sometimes it is obvious that the person is different from the outset. Other times it is not. Additionally, when chatting on the internet, you are both unable to understand each other's body language, facial expression and intonation, so it may be more obvious when you meet face to face. As for what you should do, it really is not possible for someone else to answer that. If your relationship is over, then maybe that is something you need to finalise, whether you have a new partner or not. It's always a gamble to start a new relationship, but it does sound as though this man makes you happy. If you are into reading, I would recommend a book called Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. It is written by a woman whose husband gets a diagnosis of AS as an adult. She provides some useful strategies and also talks about how AS can preset in adults, who have developed coping mechanisms. It might give you some idea about what a relationship with an aspie might involve. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bonkers Report post Posted August 26, 2008 Hi Tally, and thank you - that was very helpful. I should just point out that I know what I have to do with my own relationship, and that is a separate issue which I am not asking for advice on (I hope that reads okay and doesn't sound pompous or patronising.) But I thought it was worth mentioning because it is relevant in the fact that these are uncertain times for me, and the point of my post was to try and help me minimise any problems. Anything else I feel I can cope with. We don't just talk online, we've spoken on the phone, and by webcam, and I'm pretty confident I want to make the next step, but I needed a little reassurance about my main worry. I have learned a lot about him over the months, and I have been honest with him along the way. I do tell him how I'm feeling, and why I feel that way, or if he does something that upsets me I try and explain why without blaming him. He hasn't had much experience with relationships, and that is often a stumbling block. I keep having to let him know that something he thinks is an issue with "us" is, in fact, just the normal differences between men and women understanding each other! But he has been very understanding, and I know he cares about me. He often upsets other people with what they perceive as outspokenness or nastiness, but I know exactly how to take it. In fact, it's often the case that he's only joking, and the other person has taken it the wrong way. But that's their problem. And he is thoughtful with me. Whereas he doesn't always care how people perceive him, he will take the time to think how I might react to something he says. I guess that makes me one very lucky lady to have him in my life. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted August 26, 2008 Tally, I can't find the thread we had running a while back about loving an Aspie, and it might be useful. Do you think that you might be able to? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 26, 2008 Was it this one, Bard? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted August 26, 2008 (edited) Good find, but no. It was the long woffly one where many of us contributed our thoughts and experiences on being married to an Aspie, with or without a dx. Bid was part of it too. There was another couple, 'Lonely Aspergers wife' and 'Is your partner on the autistic spectrum?' Got the titles, can't do the links! Edited August 26, 2008 by Bard Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 26, 2008 I think I know the one you mean Bard, but I can't find it. Do you remember who started at and when? Lonely Aspergers Wife Is Your Partner on the Autistic Spectrum? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites