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steve123

Aspergers & The Girlfriend

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Been a bit of a rollercoaster, going out with a mental health nurse who is of the opinion that I have Aspergers.

 

I agree that alot of the symptoms are there - anxiety, resistent to change, find certain social environments difficult etc.....

 

She wants me to seek help, but not sure where to look and whether it would be of help as the anxiety triggers the aspergers.... I only tend to feel like it around the Girlfriend. Think its a subconcious thing that will be very hard to change.

 

Any suggestoins would be greatfully received.

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Been a bit of a rollercoaster, going out with a mental health nurse who is of the opinion that I have Aspergers.

 

I agree that alot of the symptoms are there - anxiety, resistent to change, find certain social environments difficult etc.....

 

She wants me to seek help, but not sure where to look and whether it would be of help as the anxiety triggers the aspergers.... I only tend to feel like it around the Girlfriend. Think its a subconcious thing that will be very hard to change.

 

Any suggestoins would be greatfully received.

 

It's difficult to say, Steve. First of all you need to consider a few things :

 

1. The girlfriend has noticed these "problems" that you have. Is she the only one that has ever commented on these things.

2. Do these aspects of your behaviour cause you unhappiness or have always accepted yourself as " being you"

3. You say you are anxious only when you are with the girlfriend. Maybe it's time to ditch the girlfriend.

 

Some people with aspergers and higher functioning autism can go through their lives functioning adequately and are just a little bit different, maybe eccentric but it takes all kinds to make a world and enrich it. Only seek help or diagnosis if you feel that you can benefit from this and not because your girlfriend is putting pressure on you.

 

All the best, Steve.

 

 

Jannih

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She wants me to seek help, but not sure where to look and whether it would be of help as the anxiety triggers the aspergers.... I only tend to feel like it around the Girlfriend. Think its a subconcious thing that will be very hard to change.

Point 1 - AS is not something that is triggered and nor is it something that can be cured. It may be that you are more aware of your traits when someone else is around who points out when they do not meet the 'norm'. This is not necessarily a good or bad thing - would you rather have a partner who wishes to help you blend in with society around you or would you prefer to be blissfully ignorant?

 

Point 2 - Where you can seek help depends on your definition. If you wish to seek a definitive diagnosis the route always starts with a visit to your GP with a request for referral to clinical assessment. If you are more concerned with advice on day-to-day issues of living with AS then there are a myriad of support groups available. A good place to start is the National Autistic Society's on-line directory.

 

Point 3 - Make your own decisions. Nobody else walks in your shoes so cannot possibly advise you comprehensively on your choice of whether to seek help or not nor on which girlfriend is the right one for you. You have to live with the consequences of your choices so you have the ultimate responsibility to make them.

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what causes your anxiety????

 

Is it just your girlfriend or is it a common theme in relationships be it close ones or otherwise?? I would NOT ditch the girlfriend just yet :lol: A lot of men have anxiety and can be intimidated by woman for no apparent reason. It could be insecurities, fear of not being good enough, emotional confusion etc etc. A lot of men get performance related anxiety (not just sexual) over the whole dating and girlfriend thing as there can be a lot of social pressure.

Edited by warrenpenalver

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A lot of men have anxiety and can be intimidated by woman for no apparent reason.

 

No surely not :whistle: (you're not scared of me are you warren??? :devil: )

 

Sorry steve I got side tracked there.

 

If your g/f is a mental health nurse then she may be able to spot the signs but she's not qualified to know for sure or to make a diagnosis. However, if she works within your local PCT (primary care trust) she is quite well placed to advise you on where to start. If she is that certain you should be assessed she may be willing to come with you to see your GP if you are happy for her to do that.

 

Flora

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Hi Steve, and welcome to the forum.

 

This is the first time I have heard of a mental health nurse who knows what Asperger's even is :o

 

Although AS is not something that ca be 'triggered,' there are times when it may become more obvious. If you have reached adulthood with undiagnosed AS, you have probably spent a lifetime learning ways to cover it up and appear normal. When you are anxious, you are less able to do this. Some of the obsessive/resistance to change traits of AS are methods of coping with anxiety. And when you feel anxious, you are likely to find social situations more difficult.

 

There is a very limited amount of help available for people with Asperger's. Adult diagnosis can he extremely difficult to come by, and many have to go private. You are unlikely to be offered any social skills training. If the anxiety is a problem, you may be able to seek treatment for that without a diagnosis of AS anyway. That said, non-emergency mental health treatment is also very difficult to come by and you may need to go private . . .

 

Your best bet for now might be to do some more research into AS and form your own opinion. If you think you have AS, look into some of the techniques that aspies use to help them cope and see if those help. Your girlfriend may be able to try out some things with you too.

 

A very good book about Asperger's is the Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Tony Attwood.

Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford is also very good. As well as the obvious, it also talks about how AS can present in undiagnosed adults who have developed a lifetime of coping/hiding skills. It may give your girlfriend some ideas of different ways to talk to you so that you understand each other better.

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No surely not :whistle: (you're not scared of me are you warren??? :devil: )

no im not scared of you Flora :lol:

 

This is the first time I have heard of a mental health nurse who knows what Asperger's even is :o

 

Thats a bit appalling when you consider Aspergers has been well known in the mental health community for over 10 years now. Youd like to think even the "golden oldies" working in the sector would have caught up with continuation training by now!!!

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Well the assessment is now out of the way, and I wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers despite having a number of the traits.

 

Had a word with the doctor after the PCT assessed me and he is of the opinion that its an anxiety, anyway am on Aconite 200c which are herbal tablets for my nerves which are shot but they seem to be doing the job.

 

Spoke to a friend about this the past week to try and put everything in perspective and said I felt like a rabbit in a cage being poked with a stick, eventually the rabbits gonna become nervous of the stick - the constant highlighting of what my girlfriend believed was Aspergers became that proverbial stick.

 

Anyway I am now single again, which has its pluses and minuses. Things weren't going well, and advice she had on AS Partners wasn't particularly conducive to us staying together. Have noticed that only negative advice posts seem to go up there as tried to post some positives about seeking assessment and other helpful tips that AS suffers might find useful after my little journey.

 

But at the end of the day life goes on..... so onwards and upwards.

 

 

 

 

 

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advice she had on AS Partners wasn't particularly conducive to us staying together. Have noticed that only negative advice posts seem to go up there as tried to post some positives about seeking assessment and other helpful tips that AS suffers might find useful after my little journey.

 

 

Hmmmm.... it strikes again. I used that site for a short time when myself and OH began to look into the possibility of him having AS, and you are right about the negative advice. It got quite under my skin for a little while, made me feel pretty hopeless. OH is now waiting to hear from the GP, who has agreed to refer him for assessment, after a very rocky road this year.....

 

He suffers with terrible anxiety, it was causing suicidal feelings and behaviour earlier this year, which is what finally made the doctor sit up and take notice. I found a book on Amazon, called Aspergers and Anxiety, by Nick Dubin (i think thats his name). We bought it, and OH has been reading it and says it has been useful. I read a little bit but then he squirreled it away to read in private! We have also both been reading Tony Attwoods Complete Guide... and have found that very helpful.

 

The last line of your post was very philosophical and positive - good for you!

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Hmmmm.... it strikes again. I used that site for a short time when myself and OH began to look into the possibility of him having AS, and you are right about the negative advice. It got quite under my skin for a little while, made me feel pretty hopeless. OH is now waiting to hear from the GP, who has agreed to refer him for assessment, after a very rocky road this year.....

 

He suffers with terrible anxiety, it was causing suicidal feelings and behaviour earlier this year, which is what finally made the doctor sit up and take notice. I found a book on Amazon, called Aspergers and Anxiety, by Nick Dubin (i think thats his name). We bought it, and OH has been reading it and says it has been useful. I read a little bit but then he squirreled it away to read in private! We have also both been reading Tony Attwoods Complete Guide... and have found that very helpful.

 

The last line of your post was very philosophical and positive - good for you!

 

If your partner is feeling suicidal then it might be a case that the doctor will prescribe anti-depressents, they're ok but from experience of knowing people on them they are difficult to come off.

 

It might be worth giving the Aconite a go, believe me they chill you out. Without them I can be somewhat jumpy on occasion, they seem to level things out and have a chilling effect - so worth considering as an alternative. They come in varying strengths.

 

Its definately worth going to try and obtain a diagnosis so you then know either way. It might be different for your partner but I found all the reading on the condition made me worse, I seemed to dwell on stuff which made the whole nervous anxiety thing worse when I was around my girlfriend.... but in the end just as I was getting help and the tests for diagnosis she decided to split.

 

Which brings me nicely to AS Partners, i've tried 4 times to post helpful advice and it hasn't gone up. Whoever is OKing posts has the ability to sculpt the content of the message board - and in that they seem to only be accepting negative comments, and the leave him type of advice - which believe me having come across my ex-partners posts seems to have swayed the situation. Sure her analysis of me was a nightmare (she was studying to be a mental health nurse) and her up & down behaviour, and no doubt my nervous behaviour was very difficult to live with but I did love her. That said it could be strained and hard at the same time, the highest of highs and lowest of lows sometimes in one day.

 

Will have to remain philosophical on this one though, maybe it just wasn't meant to be and not let it hold me back.

Edited by steve123

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I've never heard of AS partners before, but have seen a couple of other yahoo groups and forums where if you had just discovered your partner had AS you would feel like it was just disastrous. A lot of the people seem to feed on fear and being a victim.

 

That sounds harsher than I mean, but I haven't stuck around any of them as it was too depressing.

 

Becky

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Here you go its on Delphi forums, the fact that all posts are moderated before going up says something about the place:

 

http://login.prospero.com/dir-login/index....om%2FASPartners

 

My ex had something of a negative outlook on life, so the advice on there was far from the best she could have had at the time when we were having troubles.

 

Edited by steve123

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If your partner is feeling suicidal then it might be a case that the doctor will prescribe anti-depressents, they're ok but from experience of knowing people on them they are difficult to come off.

 

It might be worth giving the Aconite a go, believe me they chill you out. Without them I can be somewhat jumpy on occasion, they seem to level things out and have a chilling effect - so worth considering as an alternative. They come in varying strengths.

 

 

Thanks for your input steve. He was on anti depressants, been on them on and off for a good few years. He's off everything at the moment, and seems pretty ok. It's interesting that you say you felt the reading made you feel worse. I think he went through that for a while. I've never seen him as bad as he was earlier this year (known him 13 yrs), and that was after he started reading about AS. There were other pressures too, but something was definately different. He seems to have come out the other side of it all now. He's still anxious and edgy a lot of the time, but he is trying to cope with it differently, in line with stuff he has been reading, and it seems to be working for him, fingers crossed.

 

Never heard anyone mention Aconite for anxiety before, thats interesting, thanks.

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Thanks for your input steve. He was on anti depressants, been on them on and off for a good few years. He's off everything at the moment, and seems pretty ok. It's interesting that you say you felt the reading made you feel worse. I think he went through that for a while. I've never seen him as bad as he was earlier this year (known him 13 yrs), and that was after he started reading about AS. There were other pressures too, but something was definately different. He seems to have come out the other side of it all now. He's still anxious and edgy a lot of the time, but he is trying to cope with it differently, in line with stuff he has been reading, and it seems to be working for him, fingers crossed.

 

Never heard anyone mention Aconite for anxiety before, thats interesting, thanks.

 

Its definitely worth giving a go, I didn't want to be taking anti-depressants and asked if anything herbal was available - after taking herbal sleeping tablets previously..... and they work a treat, though as I mentioned before i'm on the 200c ones, probably best to try 30c and see how they work.

 

I know that you can get them from Holland & Barrett or similar health shops, however you'll probably get a better quantity if you ask for them to be prescribed.... and obviously the stronger ones are only available on prescription.

 

Think the thing about reading about the condition was that obviously you'd worry a lot more about the condition, and thats not particularly good for anybody with a pre-existing problem with anxiety.

Edited by steve123

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