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KarenT

The first day of the rest of our lives - an update

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Hello you lovely peeps

 

I haven?t been around much lately because things have been going horribly wrong with J. Some of you will remember we moved him from his old school at the end of Y3 (July 07) because of their lack of awareness of AS and no support. He joined a mainstream school with an excellent reputation for working with autism because of the KS1 support unit and to begin with he loved it, made lots of friends, actually enjoyed going to school again and was very happy.

 

Things started unsettling towards the end of Y4 ? bits of teasing and bullying, a few incidents but nothing major - but after a good start in the first couple of weeks of Y5 it all fell apart. The new class teacher was very ?old school? and had ridiculously high expectations of J but very little acknowledgement of his autism or support methods to help him cope. She ridiculed his attempts to self-manage difficult situations and I think J knew from then that she wouldn?t be supportive when he needed it.

 

In the middle of week 2 he had a godawful meltdown, the first of this magnitude he?s ever had in school, and resulted in a one day exclusion, which again he?d never had before. He was violent to staff, swore excessively to the Head, destroyed property. To be honest, the school handled it dreadfully. I won?t tell the details here but I know that the official account I was told by school differs very greatly from what I?ve been told by other parents and their children who were there at the time. No witness statements were taken by the Head, although I know she should have for any exclusion.

 

So. I took him back after the weekend (the incident happened on a Thursday) and discussed things with the Head who was (I thought) very supportive. I met her again a couple of days later to discuss all our anger management strategies so she could put them in place in school. Some of you will remember that J has worked very hard over the years and had done incredibly well with anger management and was progressing fast. I felt confident that he?d get over this quickly with the right support in school, and the Head seemed determined to implement it.

 

But none of those strategies were put into place. The class teacher continued to be rude, shouty and unsupportive (J hated her) and there was no classroom differentiation. J was struggling with the newly introduced homework diaries and never knew when he had work to do, which consequently got him into trouble frequently in class. There were rages and violent incidents several times a day and obvious aftermaths at home. Countless incidents in school which could easily have been avoided with a little proactivity, but the whole ?management plan? seemed to revolve around firefighting ? he was expected to manage alone then when he didn't and exploded the Head would come along to try and calm him down afterwards. He missed several lessons and seemed to be spending most of his time in the ICT suite or Head?s office ?cooling off?. I?m cutting this very short because I couldn?t possibly list all the incidents, but the last five weeks have been utter Hell.

 

At home, he?s regressed about 18 months in 5 weeks. He can?t remember how to have a shower and gets angry with himself as a result. All the work we did encouraging him to expand his range of foods has been undone and he?s barely eating or drinking. All his autistic and ADHD symptoms have rocketed. Just over a week ago, following yet another easily avoidable meltdown in school, I kept off and took him to the GP who signed him off school for a week ?to address his extreme emotional distress?.

 

While he was off we talked about home education, which I?d been looking into in depth in the meantime, and we decided to go for it. I think we?ve shown that the mainstream school system in this area can?t cater for children like J, mainly because it doesn?t want to. He doesn?t have a statement, although my application is in progress, but I can?t send him back into that chaos every day for six months while he?s being assessed ? it would be cruel. We decided he?d go back for the final week up to half term so he could say goodbye to his friends, and start home ed on 3rd November.

 

J went back on Monday and I met with the Head to tell her of my intentions ? she had made no effort to contact me while he was off sick so didn?t know our plans, nor was there provision in place for his return. J was in trouble four times that day (that I know of), he was even banned from the lunchtime computer club for lashing out at a boy who punched and winded him, so J had to be punished. On Tuesday he lasted till lunchtime when I got a phone call to take him home, and was told to amend my deregistration letter to start home ed from Weds, don't bring him back. I?m sure that?s probably not legal but I wasn?t going to send him back anyway knowing how much he was suffering, so I did it gladly. We were virtually escorted off the premises.

 

So that?s where we are. We?re home edding as from yesterday and we feel as though a huge weight has been lifted. J is already visibly calmer and happier, and very keen to get started. I?ve wanted to update you all throughout this happening but I?ve barely had time to come up for air this last few weeks so I hope you?ll understand.

 

Hope you are all doing OK, and I hope to have time to catch up with your lives sometime.

 

Karen

x

 

 

Sorry, not sure whether to put this in Education, Meet and Greet, or where.

 

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Karen >:D<<'>

 

What a sorry state of affairs :( It's alarming how much good work an ignorant, uncompromising teacher can do in a surprisingly short period of time.

 

If you're determined to home educate and are in a good position to do so, then just ignore everything else I write.

 

I have no idea of the legality of the situation regarding the HT asking you to de-register your ds earlier, but I'm amazed that she has done so without bringing your LA in loop. It rather sounds like she's jumped at the opportunity to get your son out of the school. Also, some LA's refuse to assess if the child is not registered in a school so it might be a good idea to find out the score in that respect.

 

Perhaps you could consider having him signed off sick indefinately and then while he's being home educated the LA will have to provide your son with home tuition. Meanwhile you now have loads of evidence that your son needs a statutory assessment urgently, giving you the opportunity to have a good look at all the options to see if you can find a placement with proper provision for your son's difficulties. A school is only ever as good as the teachers who are in it, as you've found out with this one bad teacher in year 5, but a special school with a whole school approach to teaching children with similar difficulties to your son is more likely to have the expertise and policies implemented that this present school appears to be woefully lacking.

 

Very best of luck with whatever you decide to do >:D<<'>

 

Flora X

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Hi Karen. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> I read your post with tears in my eyes.Ben is in year 6 and we are in a very similar situation.We also have a child that had been doing extremely well but has regressed to the state he was in three years ago due to lack of understanding and support in school.Ben is just about coping at school for half-days having been off for three days because he was so unwell.We are so cross we have not attempted to speak to the HT following putting in another formal complaint .As Ben says they have been saying they will do things for six years and nothing changes.

If I could home school Ben I would but he is utterly exhausting and much too bright for me to have a clue what to do.

If it is any consolation for you we have a very good Statement [at present if the proposed amended Statement for secondary school does not get through but that is another story :wallbash: ].It is very sad that all the paperwork in the world does not change attitudes.If people have set rigid views they will keep them.So do not be hard on yourself for not obtaining a Statement.

I could rattle on for ages I am so upsett myself at our situation but I do not want to hogg your thread.But I promise you are not alone.I take some comfort in knowing that others have been through this. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Karen.

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Karen I too read this with tears in my eyes don,t they realise what they can do a to family. We had problems with an insensitive teacher in reception and then she ended up teaching him again in year 2. She wouldnt allow me in the class although i used to sneak in and say i had to hand things over to his LSA but she didn,t like it. In reception marcus soiled himself all the time and schoool refused to clean him up and used to call us out of work, i didn,t drive so it took me 40 minutes to get there, one day Dh went and she had him stood in front of the class with his trousers around his ankles and all the children and herself holding their noses. Dh actually cried but was too angry to speak to her. the next day i went to the head threatening to take them to tribunal if something didn,t get sorted miraculously overnight it was written into his statement that his LSA,s would clean him discreetly. however when he left year 6 i found a behaviour diary in his school bag from this time. It had comments like "pooed himself again smell terrible lingering on childrens coats" and another one "Marcus very vocal today shouting innapropriate words and disrupting class, in my opinion shouldnt be in mainstream education". I was so upset i showed my friend the book who said i should have reported it to the LEA. I didn,t as said teacher has thankfully retired but i will never forgive her for her handling of this issue. As i have previously said some teachers are fantastic and others just downright nasty, horrible people and unfortuantley it is a lottery as to which you get.

Good luck with the home education and hope you get your happy bot back soon.

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Hi Karen

 

Sorry you have had to go through all this. Once again it's all down to shool as so many of our issues are

When will they ever listen :wallbash:

 

Hoping everything goes OK with the home-ed and that everything settles down for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Zosmum

 

 

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KarenT I can so identify with most of your post. We to were forced to home educate 10 years ago now after our middle son suffered a full mental breakdown. I have to say that it was the best forced decision that we have ever made. Not only did it give us back our son it gave us back our life. I watched a very similar regression to you taking place and you have to ask yourself if forcing your child to attend school is worth the mental abuse that it is causing. I firmly believe that many many children are going to be left paying the price for our terrible school system well into their adult years. When there is something that can be done about this - home education - then you have to do it. I have heard all of the arguments against and I do know first hand how difficult it can be. Financially it can have a massive impact on a household but what price do you place on keeping sane?

 

I realise that I am in a minority here but I do find it almost impossible to understand why parents keep banging on a door which is either closed or has very little behind it to meet the needs of children with autism in school. I am also fed up with hearing that home ed can not be done because the child in question is bright. It paints a picture of home educated children being dull and not well educated and this is about a million miles away from the truth. Both of my home educated sons are bright. Both have become positively illuminated because they were/are home educated. The amazing thing about autistic children is that when they do have a zest for life and learning they damn near teach themselves because they do have such a zest for knowledge. We have facilitated the learning of our two sons and they have been the driving force behind their own learning. An education is important but not, in my opinion, at the cost of your mental health. A good education can be gained via home ed, which is not a poor excuse for an education either and I think that does need to be aired. We did not home ed because we no longer cared about the standard of our sons education, we do not home ed because we do not care about them in the long term, we home ed because we do care about the standard of education they were 'able' to receive and because we cared very much long term.

 

Home educating our two sons has showed us what 'is' possible when a child is being educated in the right environment and what 'can' be achieved.

 

So congratulations KarenT the decision to home ed might have been forced upon you - as it was us and it is shocking that we even have to think about it - but in six months time I would love to know how your son and your family are doing. Home ed does not take away the autism but it does tend to move it right out of the spotlight so that you can see and do other things apart from battling the system on a daily basis.

 

Cat

Edited by Cat

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On No, its terrible situation, Im soo sorry that school has done this to your boy, its soo anoying and frustrating, I Home ed practically, he was suppose to attend part time but couldnt even cope with that, its been really hard work, I saw positives and negatives to home edding, time and organising it hard, and having your own time, but we do enjoy our activites and were getting into a routine that is individual to us as a family, J is waiting for a specialist school and so remains at home, and were coping ok, its exhausting though as a single parent but I dont have other children so it is easier than other families who may have two or three children.

 

I fear that more and more children will be home edded because of inadiquate education systems, especailly ASD/ADHD kids, who are bright but cant cope in the enviroment of a classroom/school.

 

I decided to go with the specialist route because J is requiring more support than I can adequately give him soley, home ed you get no support either from LEA and I think that should be another change that needs addressing too.

 

I think it is a very personal decision and totally depends on the family circumstances and whats going on at the time.

 

J has learnt soo much at home, he is a very practicle child and is into technology and ICT mostly and supported him in these interests.

 

I worry though that if children are removed from schools only when things are at crisis, schools wont adapt or change and other parents will soon be taking children out, saving LEA loads of dosh.

 

I dont know what the real answer is at the end of the day, the choice I followed was gut instinct and went with that.

 

Good Luck with Home ed, Im sure there will be instant changes in your son, as it sounds like the school behaved dreadfully to a child with special educational needs.

 

JsMum

 

 

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Hi, virtually the same story for me! made it to y6, lasted till half-term with exclusions and phone calls daily, I too was relieved when he was out of school, nearly 12 months, the biggest mistake was senting him to secondary school, that was what sent him over the edge, I couldnt home ed full time as have 3 other kids, the rest of the story is posted on these boards! having a calmish time at the mo, long may it last. very very good luck! >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> Enid

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I worry though that if children are removed from schools only when things are at crisis, schools wont adapt or change and other parents will soon be taking children out, saving LEA loads of dosh.

 

Yes this of course is true and in many ways by home edding we are playing right into their hands. However the Government are in the process of a 'Children Missing from Education' consultion (end tomorrow) which might well result in a change of law re home ed, so even that might soon become something which is not an option, add this to the new SENDIST rules which many people are saying will give the balance of power to LAs and we will be well and truly in the hands of a system which is making some kids mentally ill :crying:

 

Cat

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KarenT I can so identify with most of your post. We to were forced to home educate 10 years ago now after our middle son suffered a full mental breakdown. I have to say that it was the best forced decision that we have ever made. Not only did it give us back our son it gave us back our life. I watched a very similar regression to you taking place and you have to ask yourself if forcing your child to attend school is worth the mental abuse that it is causing. I firmly believe that many many children are going to be left paying the price for our terrible school system well into their adult years. When there is something that can be done about this - home education - then you have to do it. I have heard all of the arguments against and I do know first hand how difficult it can be. Financially it can have a massive impact on a household but what price do you place on keeping sane?

 

I realise that I am in a minority here but I do find it almost impossible to understand why parents keep banging on a door which is either closed or has very little behind it to meet the needs of children with autism in school. I am also fed up with hearing that home ed can not be done because the child in question is bright. It paints a picture of home educated children being dull and not well educated and this is about a million miles away from the truth. Both of my home educated sons are bright. Both have become positively illuminated because they were/are home educated. The amazing thing about autistic children is that when they do have a zest for life and learning they damn near teach themselves because they do have such a zest for knowledge. We have facilitated the learning of our two sons and they have been the driving force behind their own learning. An education is important but not, in my opinion, at the cost of your mental health. A good education can be gained via home ed, which is not a poor excuse for an education either and I think that does need to be aired. We did not home ed because we no longer cared about the standard of our sons education, we do not home ed because we do not care about them in the long term, we home ed because we do care about the standard of education they were 'able' to receive and because we cared very much long term.

 

Home educating our two sons has showed us what 'is' possible when a child is being educated in the right environment and what 'can' be achieved.

 

So congratulations KarenT the decision to home ed might have been forced upon you - as it was us and it is shocking that we even have to think about it - but in six months time I would love to know how your son and your family are doing. Home ed does not take away the autism but it does tend to move it right out of the spotlight so that you can see and do other things apart from battling the system on a daily basis.

 

Cat

 

CAT.I do not know if the remarks re bright children were sent my way so I will respond anyway.

Ben is bright very bright indeed.He may I hope go to university.He knows about things I have not got the faintest idea about.I would not have a hope of teaching him.Ben would be utterly frustrated and very unhappy.Dad might have a chance but unfortunately his job pays the mortgage.

I become very stressed when alone at home for long periods of time.If I attempted to home educate I would probably end up being an in patient at the local mental health unit. very quickly...honestly.

I am very aware of the impact of education on mental health where teenagers have SEN.My brother had SEN that were not understood in the 1970s .He committed suicide due to the stress of 'O level exams' in the house we lived in during the night when I was 9.I have never come to terms with the trauma so have a good idea about the issues. :tearful:

I have every respect for people who make the choice to home educate.I would never ever dream of suggesting that home ed children are dull.

However I will not take on guilt for making the best decision I can for my child in my personal situation.

I will continue to fight for Ben to be included in a school and to be educated with his peers for as long as it is an option.

I respect your choice so please respect mine.Karen.

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CAT.I do not know if the remarks re bright children were sent my way so I will respond anyway.

Ben is bright very bright indeed.He may I hope go to university.He knows about things I have not got the faintest idea about.I would not have a hope of teaching him.Ben would be utterly frustrated and very unhappy.Dad might have a chance but unfortunately his job pays the mortgage.

I become very stressed when alone at home for long periods of time.If I attempted to home educate I would probably end up being an in patient at the local mental health unit. very quickly...honestly.

I am very aware of the impact of education on mental health where teenagers have SEN.My brother had SEN that were not understood in the 1970s .He committed suicide due to the stress of 'O level exams' in the house we lived in during the night when I was 9.I have never come to terms with the trauma so have a good idea about the issues.

I have every respect for people who make the choice to home educate.I would never ever dream of suggesting that home ed children are dull.

However I will not take on guilt for making the best decision I can for my child in my personal situation.

I will continue to fight for Ben to be included in a school and to be educated with his peers for as long as it is an option.

I respect your choice so please respect mine.Karen.

 

Karen not being able to home educate a child because they are bright is something that is often said in many arenas and forums and not just here but it has been said here before. It was that issue and not an issue with a particular poster that I was raising. Had it been you I would have used what you had said and used it as a quote which is something I usually do when I am specifically commenting about something.

 

Home educated children can and do go to University it might surprise quite a few people to learn that Universities generally look very favourably at applications from home educated students. My middle son?s optometrist went straight to University after being home educated for years.

 

I respect and indeed fight for the right and the physically being of good quality education for autistic children all over the UK. I rarely push home education down people?s throats but surely I along with everyone else here am entitled to an opinion about a choice which I have stated I was forced to make.

 

For some reason home ed is seen even by parents of autistic children as not a viable method of educating their children. There are many threads here about education with parents pulling their hair out at the roots because of that education. As with many things posted on here if we have found something that might work we post it in the hope that it may help other posters. Even though the original poster (to whom I now apologise for hijacking their thread) has come to home ed because of yet another system failure I really just wanted to post that home ed can make a big difference to a child even a bright one. I tend to be outspoken enough to point any remarks that I do make in the direction of the person they are intended for and not take pot shots at people. But I really do apologise if you felt that my post was aimed at you.

 

Cat

 

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I can understand the views of the previous posters.

 

But please be aware that schools and LEA's do change.

 

We had a terrible time in infant school. We went to tribunal twice. However, in junior school the teachers were fantastic.

 

My child has just started senior school and yet again the communication is fantastic.

 

For many years the LEA communicated poorly. But my child has just started senior school so we have had to go through the process of selecting a school. Having a named school on our sons statement that we did not request. Yet the LEA rang us weekly to tell us what was going on or not going on, as the case may be! But in the end we were given the orginal school we had requested.

 

A lot of people are afraid of the unknown. And I think this is what happens with home education.

 

But children who experience home education do normally flouish and do go on to college or university.

 

However, we all try to cope with our children's ASD and the problems that comes with it. Not all the children will fit the same environemnt etc.

 

 

Edited by lynne

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Thanks so much for your supportive replies.

 

We really feel that HE is the only choice for J now and it's certainly not something we've entered into lightly. I don't think we had an alternative tbh - his mental health is teetering on the brink and with the rate of regression in the past few weeks who knows where he would be by Christmas if I didn't act now.

 

He's very keen on the plan but is struggling to settle down, so I think it could take several weeks or even months before we can begin properly. It makes me very sad to look at him and see how much harm has been done by a supposedly knowledgable and experienced school.

 

Cat, I totally agree with what you've said in your post. Once you begin looking deeply into HE and meet experienced home-edders (and, more importantly, their children) you see for yourself the benefits of HE. It's sad that so many parents get led down this path of 'normal' education when there is such a positive alternative, struggling all the way to make their square pegs fit into round holes and many of them actually suffering in the process. In a way, I'm very glad that this has happened now, in Y5, rather than in secondary school where I think it would have been more difficult to break free. I can't see any point in making my son sufer while I bang my head against a wall trying to make people understand what he needs and why, when it's so much easier for me to take responsibility myself. But there again, I do agree that it's a personal choice and not right for everyone, and I respect that.

 

Actually, I've been surprised by some comments I've had from friends of AS children who claim to have 'researched HE' yet when I've told them of my plans it's been clear that they had little idea of what it actually involves. None of them realised that you don't have to stick to a curriculum, or do SATS or GCSEs, that your child can do A levels and get into university on proof of literacy/numeracy and portfolio work and an interview. My view is that, certainly in J's case, there's far more chance of him getting to this stage educationally with the right social skills than if he stays in school being misunderstood and damaged for being different. J is also very bright but his academic standard has been slipping too so I have my doubts that he'd have reached his potential in the school system, whereas I believe I can give him a chance at being successful in some way. And above all, he'll be happy, which in my opinion is worth more than academic qualifications.

 

Karen

x

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Just wanted to send you some >:D<<'> >:D<<'> . Hope we can catch up soon for a chat but I know things will be more difficult now so don't worry about it.

 

Big hugs for J from all of us xx

 

Take care hon xxx

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Thanks so much for your supportive replies.

 

We really feel that HE is the only choice for J now and it's certainly not something we've entered into lightly. I don't think we had an alternative tbh - his mental health is teetering on the brink and with the rate of regression in the past few weeks who knows where he would be by Christmas if I didn't act now.

 

He's very keen on the plan but is struggling to settle down, so I think it could take several weeks or even months before we can begin properly. It makes me very sad to look at him and see how much harm has been done by a supposedly knowledgable and experienced school.

 

Cat, I totally agree with what you've said in your post. Once you begin looking deeply into HE and meet experienced home-edders (and, more importantly, their children) you see for yourself the benefits of HE. It's sad that so many parents get led down this path of 'normal' education when there is such a positive alternative, struggling all the way to make their square pegs fit into round holes and many of them actually suffering in the process. In a way, I'm very glad that this has happened now, in Y5, rather than in secondary school where I think it would have been more difficult to break free. I can't see any point in making my son sufer while I bang my head against a wall trying to make people understand what he needs and why, when it's so much easier for me to take responsibility myself. But there again, I do agree that it's a personal choice and not right for everyone, and I respect that.

 

Actually, I've been surprised by some comments I've had from friends of AS children who claim to have 'researched HE' yet when I've told them of my plans it's been clear that they had little idea of what it actually involves. None of them realised that you don't have to stick to a curriculum, or do SATS or GCSEs, that your child can do A levels and get into university on proof of literacy/numeracy and portfolio work and an interview. My view is that, certainly in J's case, there's far more chance of him getting to this stage educationally with the right social skills than if he stays in school being misunderstood and damaged for being different. J is also very bright but his academic standard has been slipping too so I have my doubts that he'd have reached his potential in the school system, whereas I believe I can give him a chance at being successful in some way. And above all, he'll be happy, which in my opinion is worth more than academic qualifications.

 

Karen

x

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> I just wanted to say that I did not intend to question your decision at all.It is very much a personal choice .I wish you and DS every sucess in your new home ed venture.Karen

 

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Thanks Karen. I didn't take it that you were questioning our decision, and I do understand why you feel HE would be a difficult choice for your personal circumstances and experiences. We all have to walk our own road, and I know this won't be an easy option for us, but I do honestly believe that in this case we didn't have any other.

Karen

x

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Hi Karen,

 

that's a great decision youve made :thumbs:>:D<<'> .

 

I hope J settles down soon >:D<<'> and I'm sure he'll love HE! I know my boy would!

 

Evaxx

 

 

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Hi Karen, if you are interested in home learning try online teaching called Accipio, Nick was out of school for 18months and this was a life saver. It is not cheap but our LEA paid for ours, it is virtual learning where the kids log on at the same time for their lesson, they talk to the teacher through headphones and it is fantastic. Of corse school is better for social interaction but if like us you have no alternative but to home ed Accipio is really good. Hope things get better for you

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