Advice on son's Girlfriend

[Kinda]

Hi Everyone

 

Feel rather guilty because I haven?t posted here for a while but I find at times its difficult to deal with the issues and my son seems to also have been on the right track.

 

My son (25 years) has AS and has a new girlfriend in his life and we all went off on holiday together abroad.

 

The problem is that his girlfriend does not seem good for him in terms of her mood swings which are replicated by my son, she also seems very manipulative and underhand. All of this has been recognised by my son who packed her bags while on holiday but my wife intervened and got them back on track.

 

One night my son and I went out for a drink together and he talked about the girlfriends traits and how he did not like them and all round he wasn?t too keen on her because of them.

 

She was so bad during the holiday we couldn?t all go out for a meal together because she didn?t want to go and she also didn?t want our son to go with us, and when she did come along she disrupted the whole affair so much it wasn?t enjoyable.

 

I managed to hold my temper until the last day when the wife had arranged for us to all have a meal before we departed for the airport at a nice restaurant but it ended up with the girlfriend ruining it by complaining about the prices on the menu, no orange drink etc etc. culminating in her making a big issue about the menus being left on the table and then throwing them onto another table making a big scene.

 

I ended up making a pointed remark which the wife picked up on and she then escalated it by accusing me making an issue out of it all. Anyway the point is that the wife agrees with my view of the girlfriend as does my son but I can?t stand the girl and don?t want her around the house and certainly not going out with her in the party.

 

My wife has said I must do it for my son?s sake and that I should hide my dislike and show loyalty to my son and that my behaviour is only making their relationship stronger.

 

She is very manipulative, and controls my son and my wife is very friendly towards her even though she tells me she agrees with my comments and shares my concerns.

 

I realise this is not a unique problem but I?m finding it very hard to put all that aside and relate to her, in fact I really don?t want to at all. I don't want to interfer with his relationship and I think he knows of my views but the wife seems to think I should just grit my teeth and be nice.

 

I also have concerns that my wife who also has concerns seems to be overly nice to her which I just can't understand. She says its so our son is not alienated and she sees it as being loyal to him whereas I see it as encouraging her behaviur and continuing relationship.

 

The son and the girlfriend both seem to suffer from mood swings and a tendancy to be mildly depressed, so when she is suffering my son also ends up with it.

 

Help, what do I do, I don?t mean interfering by telling my son she is not for him but how should I react to her. I will be polite but don?t want to get too involved and can only hope it ends. I know at the age he is I should be just saying to myself let them get on with it, and I do its just that I don't want to be part of it in anyway.

 

[chris54]

It's hard to know what to do in a situation like this.All you can really do is not hide you dislike for her but at the same time support your son in whatever he chooses to do.

 

We had similar thing only it was boyfriends mother manipulating my step daughter.

They had only been going out together for a few months and his mother was already talking big engagement party to coincide with s,daughters 18th. That was the last strew for my wife. After a long talk with daughter , daughter called it off. I ended up having a stand-up row with BF mother.

 

Never seen or heard from them again.

[pearl]

Its a difficult one as he is adult, Kinda, & its my worst nightmare for JP. The right partner is so important for our children, whether AS or NT.

 

Something my dad said many years ago has always stuck with me. He was one of 13 children, & as they all grew up & got married, there were naturally partners he didnt gel with. But he always said, you can't come between a couple. If you make them choose, they will choose each other. I think that is probably how your wife views it.

 

All you can do is wait, watchfully, & be alert for signs that your son wants advice. Then offer it, unemotionally. But I know its easier said than done <'>

[Kinda]

Hi all

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

It was never my intention to become between them as I wouldn?t want to do that to my son but really what I suppose what I?m uncertain of is how I relate to her on a day to day basis.

 

Presently I?m not inclined to join in with the merry group but rather do my own thing and let them get on with it.

 

I have learnt one thing from the holiday and that is to let my son and any partner go on their own on holiday. They need their own space as do we the parents.

 

My other issue is that I guess I would like my wife to be less enthusiastic towards her which seems to me to only encourage and obviously alienates me further in that there are 3 of them to only me. I think this doesn?t sit well with me especially when my wife tells me she agrees with my views on my sons girlfriend.

 

[warrenpenalver]

The girlfriend does not seem to respect him very much in my opinion!!!

 

Is your son fairly passive when socialising with friends/partners??? Has he had many long term relationships??

 

People who are lonely are more likely to put up with bad behaviour from a girlfriend as sometimes its better than being lonely. Also AS traits can make it harder to be assertive in a relationship and also harder to work out when the girlfriend is being underhand or devious.

 

I know with my ex a lot of the problems she caused were worth it so i wasnt lonely and was in a relationship rather than being alone. Obviously that didnt lead to a healthy relationship but when you struggle with social skills you will put up with it.

 

You cant make him dump her and i doubt you can get her to change. I presume shes a similar age and her behaviour isnt just because shes immature still? You say he is aware of her faults so he needs to learn for himself that he doesnt have to accept poor behaviour from a partner.

[something_different]

Well i have never had a bf so won't b great with advice.

 

It is really good that you are thinking and worrying about your son, and are their to support him whatever decision he makes. I would not be overly nice to her and think its best to be polite to her for your son's sake.

 

Is this his first relationship? He will probably still be getting used to how relationships work, and will be more willing to tolorate her behaviour.

 

Hopefully they will go their seprate ways before long, and ur son may find the right person for him.

 

I think you are handeling things really well at the moment.

[Kinda]

Hi All

 

Thanks for the advice which has given me confidence as to how to act. My son has had one long term relationship before and he is willing to put up with the treatment in the short term but he is very strong willed and gets there in the end (normally).

 

I think he is desperate for the relationship to work and I think she takes advantage of that, he has already told me that she is devious and tells him off when we are not around, and I guess I saw this before I flipped, we had been in a small village and as soon as we got out of the car she started to tell him off. My son is not passive so he will eventually flip when pushed.

 

Its just that we can see she is not good for him and I want to let her know I know what she is up to, this weekend she is coming to visit again and I guess if she pushes too much then she is going to get both barrels.

 

Anyway it seems that my behaviour towards her isn't too unfair which is not what my wife tells me so I will continue with how I see it and say what I think is appropriate despite her criticism.

 

Thanks

[warrenpenalver]

What is she trying to achieve is what i dont get?? she want to change him into her "perfect" man or trying to do something more sinister??

 

Or does she just not know how to relate to other people???

 

Maybe she'll learn her lesson when he shouts back!!!

[Kinda]

Hi Warrenpenalver

 

I don't know but she seems to suffer from a few problems and she seems to blow hot and cold in her feelings towards my son and my son realises this. On holiday he ended the relation at one stage .

 

I think on holiday she was trying to get him to do what she wanted as she tried to control myself and the wife. The wife just goes along with it whereas I don't, hence the friction.

 

I think she will go back to her moods and the poor treatment of my son so hopefully the relationship is doomed.

 

 

[Tally]

Hi Kinda,

 

It sounds like your son wants to end the relationship and probably will in the end. He sounds like a sensible person who will come to the right decision in the end, and I think you really just have to trust him to do so.

 

My parents put up with similar and I know they found it very hard, but it was only because of their unconditional support that I had the strength to leave my partner.

 

I don't think that being overly nice to the girlfriend is necessary, but I don't know if you can make your wife see this. You might just have to grit your teeth over this.

[Kinda]

Hi Tally

 

Thanks I will take onboard your advice to be supportive of him and be there, I guess that's all I can for now. It won't be long before her true colours come through again.

 

Kinda

[Kinda]

Hi All

 

Latest update is that the son's girlfriend had another wobbly (mood swing) and he said that she was dragging him down and so he finished it. I only found this out when I overheard my wife talking to her mother and she was in tears upset that she wouldn't see the girlfriend again and felt sorry for her because she was on her own.

 

I feel totally confused by the whole affair and alienated, in that they didn't let me know what was going on and my wife having said she agreed with my views and escalating my remark at the meal into a big issue and now being upset by the ending!

 

I don't think the whole relationship is over yet as she will persuade him to give it another shot I think.

 

I just don't understand it, the girl wasn't good for my son and she was manipulative which my wife recognised. all of this just makes me feel alienated.

 

 

[pearl]

V glad to hear he's finished it Kinda. I'm quite baffled by your wife's reaction too.

[Kinda]

Hi Pearl

 

Thanks for that I was begining to think there was something wrong with me for thinking the way I do, it seems the wife is more loyal to his girlfriend than me!!!

 

I'm still gobsmacked by how upset she was especially as she agreed with my views on the ex girlfriend!! I have just found it very emotionally draining and at the end of it all, I was alienated by them and this treatment remains.

 

I know my son might get back with the ex girlfriend but at least he is seeing her for what she is which means hopefully any reconciliation will be short lived.

 

He also told my wife he found that since he ended it there is a weight off him and I only found this out from her phone call to her mum.

 

I think my wife just wants a daughter in law and it seems at any cost.

 

I just wonder where her loyalty to me is (or am I reading this all wrong?).

Edited November 4, 2008 by Kinda

[oxgirl]

Hi Pearl

 

Thanks for that I was begining to think there was something wrong with me for thinking the way I do, it seems the wife is more loyal to his girlfriend than me!!!

 

I'm still gobsmacked by how upset she was especially as she agreed with my views on the ex girlfriend!! I have just found it very emotionally draining and at the end of it all, I was alienated by them and this treatment remains.

 

I know my son might get back with the ex girlfriend but at least he is seeing her for what she is which means hopefully any reconciliation will be short lived.

 

He also told my wife he found that since he ended it there is a weight off him and I only found this out from her phone call to her mum.

 

I think my wife just wants a daughter in law and it seems at any cost.

 

I just wonder where her loyalty to me is (or am I reading this all wrong?).

 

Hope you don't mind me putting in my two pennies worth, I'm not in this position, so obviously can't see how difficult it is first-hand. It just sounds from your language as if you're taking this very personally, as if you feel it should be you and your wife united against your son's girlfriend and I wonder how helpful this is to your son. I can't really understand why you're getting so personally involved in your son's choice of girlfriend, ultimately it is about what makes him happy or what he wants. There must be more to this girl than she shows to you and she must be giving your son something he wants, otherwise he wouldn't want to be with her. It just sounds as if he's in a very difficult position. I'm not sure how obvious your hostility towards her is to her, but she must surely feel awkward and unwelcome and it must put your son in a difficult position as well to have his girlfriend so disliked.

 

Forgive my frankness, I'm just trying to put another perspective on it maybe. It might be better for you personally if you stepped back from the situation and respected your son's choice, even if you don't agree with it. If she doesn't make him happy then it's for him to decide this really and not for you and your wife to gang up against her and put pressure on her until she leaves him or he dumps her, it just sounds like this relationship has four people in it rather than two. Maybe you wife was just thinking of her son's feelings and wanting to show him support by welcoming his girlfriend and trying to make peace and I don't see this as wrong, it's probably what I'd try and do too in this situation, bite my tongue and try not to criticize and not make my son feel awkard about bringing her home.

 

Don't know if any of that helps or if it just winds you up, sorry if that's the case.

 

~ Mel ~

[bid]

I think Mel has made some very thoughtful points, Kinda.

 

I was also wondering whether your wife was 'agreeing' with you to avoid an argument? Maybe your son hasn't confided in you for the same reason, or because he doesn't want to hear how much you dislike this girl.

 

My mum has always said that she decided very early on with all of us that whatever she thought about our choice of partners, she would never say anything negative. She even did this when my ex left me with a 10 month old baby, and it was actually must less stressful than if she had gone on about him.

 

After all, if you think about it, if you criticise someone's partner, you're indirectly criticising their choices/opinions which can make them feel even worse about things. You can be supportive without being critical.

 

Bid

Edited November 4, 2008 by bid

[Kinda]

Hi Oxgirl and Bid

 

The reason for posting was I wasn't sure whether I was overreacting, its new territory for me and I wouldn't normally be comfortable commenting upon one of my son's partners but I guess it was due to how much she ruined the holiday with her behaviour and the way she treated him and us.

 

I think in future I won't be so generous in inviting any of his girlfriends along until the relationship is a long term and steady. I didn't want my wife to change her behaviour towards the girlfriend but I just couldn't understand why she was so upset having told me she agreed with my views, that's what is confusing me.

 

I have confidence in my son and realise he would get there in the end and not put up with his girlfriends poor treatment of him (and us) and this has already happened as he ditched her at the weekend siting her unreasonable behaviour.

 

Thanks for the advice.

Edited November 4, 2008 by Kinda