I feel so so sad ...

[peaches]

People who have read my posts before or read my signature will know that I am bringing up my grandchildren. They are the children of my DD age 22 who has recently been diagnosed as having Asperger's.

 

We have 3 grandkids. Raph is getting quite near a diagnosis of AS/ASD and will be 6 next month. Freya has been with me from birth and will be 3 shortly, Brigid is 15months and came to live with us at the end of August. The youngest baby is still in foster care pending assessments/court reports. Thank goodness that my daughter had the contraceptive implant last month at my insistence.

 

Ive had a hard week, hospital appointment and Educational Psychologist appointment, two out of 3 kids ill too. If that wasnt bad enough, the social worker and her manager visited tonight. They came early evening so they could see DH too. We are supposed to decide in the next couple of weeks whether we want to come forward for baby 4. We have been thinking about this for months. Although its difficult to cope at times, we thought that we couldnt turn our own grandchild away. We were willing to give it a go, but we would have to have DH reducing his hours, which has proved difficult, plus a childminder to do the school run and a give me a break.

 

It has been pointed out to us that the new little one deserves more than that. And they are right, and its breaking my heart. Deep down, if I use my head not my heart, this new little one will get more attention and more of everything I guess from an adoptive couple who have youth on their side and dont already have 3 children: at least one of which has AS. We were asked to use our heads not our hearts and think about what is best for baby 4 and also each of the siblings. I said I didnt want to be in the position of saying no, so we have come to some sort of agreement that we will come forward, there will be a short assessment, which hased on what they have seen lately will say we are doing a good job with 3 but 4 will be too much. Then they will turn us down.

 

I really really dont want the baby to be adopted, but I dont want to put her at a disadvantage, nor do I want to take attention away from the other 3 as they desperately need it.

 

 

Either way I could just spend the next few days weeping over it. I know in my heart its probably the right thing to let her go but it hurts like hell.

 

But also, if my daughter's Asperger's diagnosis had been made when she was a child, I dont think any of this would have happened.

Edited November 6, 2008 by peaches

[NickyB]

peaches, my heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you all.

 

I don't think there's anything else I can say, except have lots of these <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Take care

 

Nicky x

[lbj]

What a sad and difficult position to be in. You are doing your best and you will continue doing your best and that's all that you (or anyone) can do. I feel for you very much.

 

janine

[Kathryn]

Peaches - I can't begin to understand what this must be like for you.

 

<'>

 

K x

 

 

[tjw]

oh peaches

im so sorry for your situation at the moment, i read most of your posts because we are from same area , my heart realy does go out to you sending you loads of hugs <'> <'> <'> and please take care of yourself

love

theresa xx

[JsMum]

 

 

<'> and some more <'> I really dont know what to say, only that like you have posted its a very difficult decision to make, surely the social services could provide you with some respite and extra provisions so that the family can be together, if extra support/provisions within the family would that make any difference.

 

I struggle with one, yes one, its demanding when a child has special needs, has any assessment been made for support with in your home, core assessment, carers assessment to see what support you could have in place.

 

I know It is a personal and difficult position to be in and I hope that what ever you decide you know you made a decision for the best of all the children.

 

Good Luck, For further information on social care assessment CONTACT A FAMILY have booklets and leaflets, plus helplines and outreach workers in certain areas of the uk.

 

JsMum

 

[Tally]

What a terrible decision to have to make!

 

But I think you already know what would be the best thing for her. A healthy baby is likely to be adopted very quickly, and SS will be have the pick of the best adoptive parents for her. It's possible you may be able to retain some kind of contact with the child even if she is adopted by another family, and get regular updates.

 

It would have been impossible for your daughter to have been diagnosed with AS as a child. The condition was not heard of in this country until 1981 and it was only listed as a genuine diagnosis in the DSM in 1994, but still very poorly understood. It is highly unlikely that you as parents would have been aware of these developments anyway. Even teachers and doctors would not have known about it until fairly recently.

[peaches]

What a terrible decision to have to make!

 

But I think you already know what would be the best thing for her. A healthy baby is likely to be adopted very quickly, and SS will be have the pick of the best adoptive parents for her. It's possible you may be able to retain some kind of contact with the child even if she is adopted by another family, and get regular updates.

 

It would have been impossible for your daughter to have been diagnosed with AS as a child. The condition was not heard of in this country until 1981 and it was only listed as a genuine diagnosis in the DSM in 1994, but still very poorly understood. It is highly unlikely that you as parents would have been aware of these developments anyway. Even teachers and doctors would not have known about it until fairly recently.

 

Thank you all.

 

Thanks also Tally especially for the last paragraph. There are still many people who have no idea about Asperger's. I just knew about autism but knew she didnt fit all the criteria. But I still feel bad about it. That's why the I am pushing really hard to get my grandson diagnosed and I am exploring every avenue and interrogating every professional whom I think can help.

 

This forum has been so insightful though. The number of times I have thought ... oh yes, he does that as well!

[chris54]

It is impossible for me to have any idea what you are going through.

 

If baby is adopted would it be possible for you to have some contact. I know that natural parent and siblings can in right situation.

That is if that is what you would want, or would SS oppose that.

 

Once again, my heart bleeds for you.

Edited November 6, 2008 by chris54

[forbsay]

My heart goes out to you <'>

 

x

[bikemad]

Aawwwwwwwww hun...I wont even pretend to understand what you are dealing with but sending you all my support. <'>

[dooday24]

im sending u loads of these as i really dont know wat to say <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

lots of love donnaxxxxxx

[Enid]

Peaches, have had a rough day here, then I read your post and it put it all into perspective. I have famlily in your area, I grew up there! so am always interested in your posts, used to work at ryegate many years ago. <'> <'> <'> <'> Enid

[bid]

<'>

 

Bid <'>

[zaman]

What a hard decision. But hats off to you for taking on what you have. I have a friend who is raising her grandaughter, and I know that she is going through the 3am feeds etc at the moment, never expecting to be doing that again.

 

But - and I hesitate to say this - if you do decide to keep the baby, she isn't necessarily going to be getting a rough deal out of it. I would hope that Social Services, or whoever, would be able to help you access extra help, or at least funds, to support your situation.

 

But good luck to you, whatever choice you make I'm sure it will be a hard one - but the right one for you all.

[Karen A]

<'> <'> <'> Peaches I do not pretend to have any idea of what is the best decision for yourself DH and the family.

I did want to add to what Tally said.AS has only been understood at all in the last few years.Even now it can be very difficult for even very experienced professionals to make a Diagnosis.

I have had some similar feelings in the last few weeks.Ben my DS was Diagnosed AS a few weeks ago.I have wondered a lot about my dad and my brother pondering whether either of them might have obtained a diagnosis if they were to be assessed now.Neither my parents nor my brother are alive now.I have also wondered about myself although my situation is so complex I will never know.At the end of the day regret and self-blame just make what is a very hard situation more difficult to manage.

Sometimes all a family can do is the best they can at the time with the information they have. I know it does not take the pain away but you are not alone in finding it tough.Karen.

[chris54]

I have just reread your first post peaches.

 

The bit about not being the best start.

 

You would be a full time mum to the four of them.

 

Bit of a cheek SS saying that when government is encouraging parent to go out to work and use childcare.

 

I thought that SS proffered children to be with "Family".

 

Are there any groups or charity in you area that could help.

 

My wife and my self use to be volunteers and I worked part time for HOMESTART.

My wife supported a family with similar problems to you and I amongst other thing help run a drop in session.

But I know that the activities of HOMESTART do different from area to area.

 

As has been said you can only do what you think to be the best at the time. It dose you no good looking back and saying "What if".

I am sure that whatever the outcome you can rest assured that you did your best.

That is all any of us can do.

 

 

[Clare63]

My heart goes out to you and your family <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[joybed]

Peaches i really feel for you it is so obviously such a difficult decision. All you can do is your best and try not to beat yourself about it, I know this is easier said than done. Sending you lots of <'> .

[Cat]

 

What wonderful grandparents you are <'> and what a difficult position you are now in.

 

All you can do is what is right for you and your hubby. No one can nor should tell you what to do and that includes SS who should be supporting you and not making you feel awful.

 

Cat

[peaches]

What a hard decision. But hats off to you for taking on what you have. I have a friend who is raising her grandaughter, and I know that she is going through the 3am feeds etc at the moment, never expecting to be doing that again.

 

But - and I hesitate to say this - if you do decide to keep the baby, she isn't necessarily going to be getting a rough deal out of it. I would hope that Social Services, or whoever, would be able to help you access extra help, or at least funds, to support your situation.

 

But good luck to you, whatever choice you make I'm sure it will be a hard one - but the right one for you all.

 

Dont think for one minute that SS offer any practical support once you have the children. They dont. Ive asked and asked. Even when I had my hysterectomy this year - nothing. I even wrote to my MP. They do pay a residence order allowance for the children which helps, but you need this just to keep them from day to day. It is not as generous as a foster carers allowance. Nor do we get the respite and support that a foster carer gets. But lets be honest, grandparents like me would do it anyway and do it for nothing. I wouldnt be without these kids.

[peaches]

I have just reread your first post peaches.

 

The bit about not being the best start.

 

You would be a full time mum to the four of them.

 

Bit of a cheek SS saying that when government is encouraging parent to go out to work and use childcare.

 

I thought that SS proffered children to be with "Family".

 

Are there any groups or charity in you area that could help.

 

My wife and my self use to be volunteers and I worked part time for HOMESTART.

My wife supported a family with similar problems to you and I amongst other thing help run a drop in session.

But I know that the activities of HOMESTART do different from area to area.

 

As has been said you can only do what you think to be the best at the time. It dose you no good looking back and saying "What if".

I am sure that whatever the outcome you can rest assured that you did your best.

That is all any of us can do.

 

When I enquired about homestart a while ago, there wasnt a worker available in this area, but I could have gone on a waiting list. But to be honest 2 hours a week or a fortnight (cant remember which) wouldnt really go very far.

[MurphySG]

Peaches - you say you get a residence order allowance. Does this mean there was a residence order rather than a special guardianship order? I'm sure that you must have a lawyer if you have already been through this 3 times. Talk to your lawyer about a special guardianship oder & a possible support package - if you would prefer to keep the 4 kids together it's worth thinking about it before you bow out.

 

Whatever you decide, I know you'll do it for all the right reasons. Your daughter & grandkids are lucky.

[pearl]

I missed this when it was first posted - just wanted to add my <'> to the others.

[lisac]

peaches- what a decision to have to make- trust your heart- it will sit better with you x

[peaches]

Peaches - you say you get a residence order allowance. Does this mean there was a residence order rather than a special guardianship order? I'm sure that you must have a lawyer if you have already been through this 3 times. Talk to your lawyer about a special guardianship oder & a possible support package - if you would prefer to keep the 4 kids together it's worth thinking about it before you bow out.

 

Whatever you decide, I know you'll do it for all the right reasons. Your daughter & grandkids are lucky.

 

When I got the first two kids, they hadnt started with Special Guardianship orders. However, the court guardian told me about them. My solicitor is looking into it for me to see if its possible to change the orders for the other two plus get the new one(s) on special guardianship. BUT THE SOCIAL WORKER HAS ALREADY SAID, WHAT SUPPORT? THERE IS NO SUPPORT.

 

There is the family visiting service which is time limited and intended as an emergency stop gap.

 

[peaches]

Sorry about the capitals, didnt mean to shout. Having a bad day. Feel very strongly that the council wont give us support and frowns on the fact that I would hire a nanny to help.

 

I have written to my solicitor today to instruct him as follows:

 

I want to come forward for care of the fourth child. I am aware we have a lot on, I am prepared to hire an OFSTED registered nanny and fund it from the tax credits, so the nanny can work along side me at home. I am aware that the Social Workers look upon the hiring of someone as "second best", but both myself and my husband feel very strongly that the family should be kept together. The social workers proposed to do an assessment at the worst possible times of day to test me, and I wont be taking part in this assessment. The social workers know enough about me to know if I can cope or not, I have had my grandson since he was 19 months, my granddaughter no 1 since birth and my granddaughter no 2 for 3 months. Social services have assessed me for the care of my grandson, and each of my grandchildren as they came to live with me. I have therefore taken part in many assessments. I feel no more are necessary.

 

So we will see where that gets me.

[MurphySG]

I hope it all turns out well for you. If you have the guardian's support that will be a big thing. I can't imagine the court will want to split the kids up.

 

With a Special Guardianship Order social services have to produce a report which should include the services they are going to offer. The court must refuse to make the order until it is satisfied with the package.

 

Keep on at it and look after yourself.

 

ps - bet you're glad your daughter's stopped now!!! lol

[peaches]

I hope it all turns out well for you. If you have the guardian's support that will be a big thing. I can't imagine the court will want to split the kids up.

 

With a Special Guardianship Order social services have to produce a report which should include the services they are going to offer. The court must refuse to make the order until it is satisfied with the package.

 

Keep on at it and look after yourself.

 

ps - bet you're glad your daughter's stopped now!!! lol

 

We dont know she has. She is still young, and although she has had the implant, we need to know where she is and what she is doing in 3 years time!

 

[NobbyNobbs]

sometimes SS make me so cross. push for special guardianship it was designed for what you're doing! SS will fight because its all money, but with the work you're putting in with so many children you deserve all you can get! they'd never find a foster carer who would take 4 children together, remind them of that too (we're the only family in our county who will even take 3!) the 'package' offered to us for the three was only monthly respite for a night, so i doubt you'll get any useful support but you certainly should be getting more money so you can buy it yourself. special guardians get all the child allowance that foster carers get (at least here), they just dont get the 'pay' (not that thats a lot anyway!), but for 4 children it would still be a LOT of money, certainly enough to pay for childcare, and will increase as the kids get older.

rather than a nanny perhaps you could argue you would put the older babies into nursery a few extra days/mornings a week with the extra money, that way you would still be the ones giving parental care, but get a break as well. this combined with a cleaner/someone to do the ironing would give you a much needed rest.

 

the allowance rates for foster care are designed so that the foster child costs nothing to the foster carer, but the child can have everything a non-looked after child could have. you're providing pretty much the same service so you should be entitled to the same money (offer to go on training courses too, that makes it harder for them to argue you're not giving the same care and they have to provde money for childcare while you're on the course)i know of one instance where children were taken out of foster care and 'fostered' by their grandmother who wasn't qualified, but she still recieved full rate pay for the children because she said she wouldn't have them without it! so the system is far more flexible than SS let on

 

good luck

[chris54]

And if you are a foster for an agency you will get more that if direct with LA.

 

I know that where I use to live it was something like 3 times the rate as agencies treat it as a full time job, with 4 weeks payed holiday and all the rest. (But it is not treated as income by the tax man in the same way as earned income is)

 

Not surprising the LA had a real job getting foster cares.

 

I did look into it but decided it was not for me.

Edited November 21, 2008 by chris54

[NobbyNobbs]

private foster care isn't something you can just walk in to, you have be be trained and are legally bound to care for the child in a way set by the agency (and SS certainly wouldn't pay peaches private fees!)you are paid way more, and recieve better support, but placements are rare as obviously SS use all their own carers first. foster carers are paid next to nothing. for 24/7 care for however many kids you have they are paid from a starting rate of somewhere around �100 a week, which increases depending on your 'level', rather than how challenging the kids you have are. its not a job to consider if you want to get rich.

ive certainly heard of family carers becoming foster carers, but the special guardianship is less hassle, to be a foster carer your home, family, pets, lifestyle etc. are all audited by SS every year and you have to adhere to their regulations about care rigidly. special guardianship was designed for two things; the job peaches is doing, and they did try (and failed) to convince foster carers to go onto special guardianship with long-term placements.

 

peaches is your solicitor a specialist in foster care and the like? if not then i'd recommend you find one who is, at least to take some advice on special guardianships from. knowing the system is half the battle with SS (as i'm sure you know) i dont know what money you're getting now but i believe for 4 5 and unders it'd certainly around �400 a week (based on the foster rate) and that would go a long way for childcare (but SS wont like the idea of a nanny, because then they may as well be in care, at least to their thinking)