Could my husband have aspergers and not realise for 50 years?!

[Worried]

Hi this website may be the answer to an awful problem that I have. I've been married for 22 years to Andrew. In January I found out that he had been having an affair last year. With the help of a counsellor we have looked at where things have gone wrong in our relationship. What has emerged is that he needs emotional support, but is unable to express his feelings. So for years he has been looking elsewhere for that. I had no idea.

 

It may sound strange but I have a lot of sympathy for him and would like to help him overcome this problem. Yesterday I was talking to someone whose son has Asperger syndrome and it suddenly occurred to me that this is exactly what Andrew?s problem is. It was like finding a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle.

 

Here are some examples of his behaviour:

 

 He has no friends

 He dislikes meeting new people and social settings, we are always the last to arrive and the first to leave a party

 He finds talking about feelings difficult

 He has a very high IQ, did engineering at Cambridge, is a brilliant mathematician and thinks about numbers in a different way

 He sees the world in a different way to most people

 He is insensitive to feelings and can be hurtful without realising it

 He lacks empathy

 He collects and hoards things

 He is very analytical and can deal better with emails than talking face to face, but when I give him too much information about how I feel, cannot handle it he says it overwhelms him

 He makes very little eye contact with people and if doing a presentation for work cannot look at people or it spoils his concentration

 He makes social errors of judgement, so he might start clearing away plates when we have friends to dinner before they have finished eating

 He sometimes misinterprets what people are saying, he takes things too literally and does not pick up other signals e.g. body language

 He is very musical and is a very good organist, but it is an obsession

 He listens to classical music all the time on headphones

 He hates background music in pubs he can?t ignore it

 He is obsessive about DIY but gets bored before he finishes anything

 He has a heightened sense of smell and often screws up his face at the smell of my perfume ( I take this personally and assume it?s the association with me that he dislikes)

 His uncle was ?odd? and Andrew is said to be like him in that they did engineering at Cambridge. His uncle left his wife.

 His nephew is supposed to be like him too, the boy is happy in his own company

 When Andrew was a child he could amuse himself for hours trying to work out how electrical things worked

 

I could go on and on but having read some stuff on the web and on this site it does sound to me that this is our problem. We realise that we had a communication problem, but Andrew has always maintained that I have not created the sort of atmosphere that allowed for good communication. I feel hurt and bewildered because I communicate well with everyone else and am good at expressing my feelings.

 

I?m sorry to have gone on so long, but could someone tell me if I am correct in my thinking that after all this time of not understanding that he could have aspergers and this could be the cause of our problems?

 

If you think he probably has Aspergers, how should I approach it with him? He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and that the problems in the marriage because of me.

 

If anyone is reading this, thanks, and I would so appreciate comments.

 

[peaches]

Hi this website may be the answer to an awful problem that I have. I've been married for 22 years to Andrew. In January I found out that he had been having an affair last year. With the help of a counsellor we have looked at where things have gone wrong in our relationship. What has emerged is that he needs emotional support, but is unable to express his feelings. So for years he has been looking elsewhere for that. I had no idea.

 

It may sound strange but I have a lot of sympathy for him and would like to help him overcome this problem. Yesterday I was talking to someone whose son has Asperger syndrome and it suddenly occurred to me that this is exactly what Andrew?s problem is. It was like finding a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle.

 

Here are some examples of his behaviour:

 

 He has no friends

 He dislikes meeting new people and social settings, we are always the last to arrive and the first to leave a party

 He finds talking about feelings difficult

 He has a very high IQ, did engineering at Cambridge, is a brilliant mathematician and thinks about numbers in a different way

 He sees the world in a different way to most people

 He is insensitive to feelings and can be hurtful without realising it

 He lacks empathy

 He collects and hoards things

 He is very analytical and can deal better with emails than talking face to face, but when I give him too much information about how I feel, cannot handle it he says it overwhelms him

 He makes very little eye contact with people and if doing a presentation for work cannot look at people or it spoils his concentration

 He makes social errors of judgement, so he might start clearing away plates when we have friends to dinner before they have finished eating

 He sometimes misinterprets what people are saying, he takes things too literally and does not pick up other signals e.g. body language

 He is very musical and is a very good organist, but it is an obsession

 He listens to classical music all the time on headphones

 He hates background music in pubs he can?t ignore it

 He is obsessive about DIY but gets bored before he finishes anything

 He has a heightened sense of smell and often screws up his face at the smell of my perfume ( I take this personally and assume it?s the association with me that he dislikes)

 His uncle was ?odd? and Andrew is said to be like him in that they did engineering at Cambridge. His uncle left his wife.

 His nephew is supposed to be like him too, the boy is happy in his own company

 When Andrew was a child he could amuse himself for hours trying to work out how electrical things worked

 

I could go on and on but having read some stuff on the web and on this site it does sound to me that this is our problem. We realise that we had a communication problem, but Andrew has always maintained that I have not created the sort of atmosphere that allowed for good communication. I feel hurt and bewildered because I communicate well with everyone else and am good at expressing my feelings.

 

I?m sorry to have gone on so long, but could someone tell me if I am correct in my thinking that after all this time of not understanding that he could have aspergers and this could be the cause of our problems?

 

If you think he probably has Aspergers, how should I approach it with him? He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and that the problems in the marriage because of me.

 

If anyone is reading this, thanks, and I would so appreciate comments.

This is a difficult one, also the only person who can make a diagnosis is a consultant psychiatrist.

 

What do you want to happen to the marriage is the first question. If you want it to continue then maybe marriage guidance is more appropriate than seeking a diagnosis. If you get a diagnosis it may not solve anything. I suspect my husband has Asperger's too, but he gets through life. He too lacks empathy and doesnt know how to express his feelings, but we have learned how to work with this. But I must admit for years he thought there was nothing wrong with him and actually made me feel that I was the one with the problem.

 

At his age, you have to question what a diagnosis would offer, if he would want it, and is there a way to salvage the marriage without him being diagnosed. Can a counsellor help you work together?

 

Good luck.

[Tally]

Hi Worried, and welcome to the forum.

 

There are definitely a lot of things that point to Asperger's. It is certainly possible for a person to have AS and not realise. Some people are relieved to find out and understand the root of their difficulties, but others deny it even after being told of the possibility. He does sound like the kind of person who would not accept the possibility that he has AS and may interpret as you trying to blame him for your marital problems.

 

Having affairs and/or leaving one's wife are not symptoms of Asperger's. What does he want you to do to create an atmosphere that would allow for good communication? If he prefers to communicate by email, maybe this would be a good way for him to talk to you about his feelings. If you can understand more about AS, then you might find strategies which can help you communicate better with your husband.

[Diane]

Hi worried.

 

So sorry you are in this situation.

 

I do not think there is much that I can add to what has already been said.

 

A year after our son was diagnosed I gave my DH a book about Aspergers and he read some of it and made the comment relating to work 'that sounds just like me'. He said he did not want to know if he was AS but then he changed his mind. We have not gone down the route of diagnosis for him as this could only be done privately and is very expensive. He is in his Fities and knowing is not giong to change who he is. What reading about AS has done for him is to give him a better understanding of himself and I no longer feel that I am patronising him when I have to give him hints or tell him out right what I need from him. My husband is not an insensitive man he just needs to be told sometimes that actually what I need is a hug and a cup of tea. He is a fast learner. I am lucky.

 

I hope this little insight into my experience with my DH is helpful to you.

 

I think marraige guidance is the route to go if you want to save your marriage. I hope your DH will go with you. if not then communicating by email as suggested by Tally may be the first step you need to take.

 

Having an affair is not a symptom of AS.

 

 

 

 

[chris54]

Hi worried

Apart from the bit about the music (and the Affair) you could have been talking about me.

I have not had a diagnosis but feel sure I have AS from what I have learnt since my son was diagnosed earlier this year. Looking back at my Dads life I now think that he also had AS.

I agree with what the others have said but to be honest I have no idea what you should do.

My wife and I have a sore of understanding as she also has some AS traits and I suppose this is why we ended up together. At the time we met about 12 years ago, I say met we sore of stumbled over each other, we know nothing about ASD. It was only when our son was diagnosed that the light came on.

Sorry that I cant be of more help.

Chris.

 

P.S.

50 years ago you were just odd or stupid. I grow up thinking I was stupid, in fact I have quite a high IQ.

Edited November 9, 2008 by chris54

[baddad]

Hi worried

 

Obviously I don't know your husband from adam, so couldn't possibly comment on whether he might be autistic or not (and even if i did know him I'm not qualified to hazard a guess!),but I can offer the following on the 'symptoms' you've listed.

Firstly, about 99% of the male population would 'fit' a woman's criteria for asperger's! Tony Attwood has commented on this in his books - that there are generally 'differences' in male/female psychological make-up, and that these are perfectly natural. Women tend to think men are 'autistic'. while men tend to think women are barking mad!

Many of the traits you describe are purely subjective: I.E. he doesn't like meeting people/has no friends/lacks empathy/he sees the world in a different way.... If you are quite an outgoing person, and he's not, then by definition his 'lack' of social desire/skill is going to look like a 'fault' to you, and as you perfectly naturally gravitate toward like-minded people in this respect he will to your friends too. It's not a 'fault' in him, it's just a difference between the way you are and the way he is.

This may sound harsh, but the idea that he needed emotional support and he sought it elsewhere because he couldn't get it from you sounds a bit of a cop-out - especially after 22 years of marriage. And you seem to have turned that on its head, too, in that in your identification of him as an 'autistic person' you seem to be suggesting that he is/wants/seeks emotional distance and isolation and finds people trying to offer that support intrusive.

As an engineer it makes absolute sense that he enjoyed working out how things work as a child. That's part of his personality type. Ditto the D I Y projects (but giving them up halfway through is very UN-Autistic!)

Being passionate about music isn't a sign of autism, it's a sign of being passionate about music. Some women are passionate about shoes (and some about music too!) but woe-betide the bloke who suggested it implied a disability!

 

In reality, there is nothing in autism' that isn't normal human behaviour (I am a man: I hold that nothing human is alien to me - (Terence [185 - 159 BC]), and everybody on the planet has 'traits' of those behaviours to some degree. A diagnosis of autism or Asperger's implies that very specific areas of behaviour are compromised/exaggerated to such a degree that they are disabling in every day life. For some, the level of disability may be 'managable', but they will be constant, and they will, at various points, almost certainly have compromised their lives to such a degree that they became unmanagable. That's not the same thing as depression or mental health crises, or purely responsive/adaptive strategies to external events (though they can be part of it)...

 

So, in a nutshell: everybody on the planet has 'autistic traits'. If your husband has successfully negotiated a 22year marriage, university degrees at Cambridge and a succesful working career it doesn't sound as though those traits are disabling for him, or likely to be the root of the current problems you are experiencing in your relationship (though that's not to say that the 'traits' couldn't be part of the bigger picture).

 

Hope that's helpful, and very very best with the counselling etc.

 

[bid]

Hi Worried,

 

I have AS myself.

 

Just some more thoughts...

 

Yes, it's perfectly possible to have AS for 50 years and not 'know' what to call your difficulties.

 

My dad was in his late 60s when he and the rest of us realised he probably had AS when we all read Attwood after my son's dx. He was then positively identified as having 'mild autism' (grrr! ) during mental health assessments in his 70s at the end of his life.

 

He had a PhD, a successful career, and was married for over 50 years too.

 

But, but, but...

 

His life and that of his wife/family were enormously affected by his difficulties. He had a very difficult relationship with his own parents and siblings as he was always seen as extremely 'odd'.

 

He was a lovely dad with many positive qualities, but my childhood was overshadowed by his explosive meltdowns, and from a very young age I felt I had to 'protect' him in social situations as his social skills were very compromised.

 

My mother basically put her own social and professional life on hold to provide a sort of 'support system' for him. He had many problems at work, again largely because of his compromised social skills and acute anxiety levels. I personally think his massive heart attack, and then later severe stroke were also a result of a lifetime of this acute anxiety, as he didn't drink or smoke

 

I guess what I'm trying to say, echoing Baddad, is that if your DH does have AS, it isn't something that would 'suddenly' be a problem after 22 years. If he does have AS, neither of you may have known what to label his difficulties, but you would both have struggled with those difficulties.

 

I also agree an affair is not symptomatic of AS.

 

I hope you do find the support you both need <'>

 

Bid

Edited November 9, 2008 by bid

[Worried]

Hi,

 

All these comments have been very helpful and it?s really nice to know that there are strangers who are willing to give their time and knowledge. So thank you all very much.

 

It sounds like he has AS to me, and of course it has always been a problem, but we didn?t realise how much of a problem till recently. In general people think he?s just a bit odd. I doubt if a diagnosis would help because he is what he is and anyway I married him for better or worse. He?s got many, many good qualities and I?ve been tolerant of strange behaviour because of them. If I?d known about AS sooner, I would have done many things in a different way. My husband also feels that I patronise him, Diane, he says I treat him like a teacher, but I?m struggling to help. I?ve no idea what the best approach is. How do you give emotional support to a man who never talks about his feelings? Tally, you said that ?If you can understand more about AS, then you might find strategies which can help you communicate better with your husband.? Is there a book that might give me a better insight?

 

Thanks again for all the help!

 

[Diane]

Hi worried there are lots of books the one I gave my husband to read was 'The Aspergeres Answer Book by susan Ashley. It is the 300 most asked questions by parents. It was got my husband to realise and on the road to acceptance that he may have a problem.

 

Of course there is always The Tony Attwood Guide to Aspergers Syndrome.

 

With regard to not sounding patronising towards my husband it was trial and error if he did feel patronised I would apologise immediately and say something like I know I over state the obvious. If you start to read up about AS you will find you are much better placed to support your husband at this time.

 

I think you need some <'> >< it is tough but knowledge of what you are dealing with will help.

[bid]

With regard to 'patronising'...

 

I think there can be a tendency (however well-meaning) for partners of AS people to sometimes treat them like exotic but engaging 'pets' or something. And to say things like 'Well, that's because you're autistic...'!

 

And my all-time favourite from my female counsellor, who was actually very, very good but obviously had a momentary lapse of good sense/taste...'Well, you may have AS, but you're all woman!!'

 

An adult may have AS, but they are still an adult. We don't leave our intelligence at the door!

 

Bid

[Delyth]

Hi

 

Welcome to the forum... sorry I haven't got much time to reply to all your writing, but just to let you know that my husband was diagnosed AS a couple of years ago at the age of 44yrs. This diagnosis saved our marriage as it gave both of us a framework, the same framework, to understand his 'odd' behaviour and communication difficulties. With this understanding we have been able to re establish a good marriage.

 

The first thing I found helpful, was to read all the books, especially the few aimed specifically at relationships. Not all will be relevant but you will find the bits that are helpful for you. Ashley Stanford's book 'Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships' was particularly helpful.

 

And, most importantly, look after yourself.

 

I have organised a support group (it's free!) specifically for spouses trying to maintain a good relationship - it's in London but all are welcome. The details are on: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk

Do come in December if you can!

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

[cmuir]

Hi

 

In a nutshell, it is possble, but there's only way way of knowing for sure.

 

I'm in a similar situation in that I've been married for 15 years. Since my 7 year old was diagnosed with AS, two specialists that saw him asked me (as subtly as they could) if I'd noticed any similarities with my husband. Suddenly hit me like a brick - why didn't I see it before?! Answer is yes my husband and son as very alike in a lot of ways. Interesting that two specialists 'clocked' it (and I am actually grateful to them for mentioning it - difficult thing for them to do). My husband and I have discussed the fact that he and R are very alike and we've also discussed the possibility of him having AS as well. He actually admitted that he wondered if he may have AS. We haven't done anything about it in terms of seeking a diagnosis for him, etc. Main reason being that he's 40 and has got by this long and it's ultimately his decision and one which I'm won't enforce. Having said that, I must say that I become almost 'obsessed' with getting answers as to why my son behaves the way he does. Getting a formal diagnosis for R was a huge weight lifted - ultimately meant that suddenly doors started opening (although it shouldn't take a diagnosis to do that). Secretly, I'd like to know for sure whether my husband has AS too - a feeling I can't shake off. For one thing, it would explain behaviours, it would make me massively proud of him for getting by this long without professional help, I wonder if it would give him a sense of closure in having a reason why he's found certain things difficult, etc. Main reason for me would be that on a day-to-day basis, I find that because hubby and R are very alike, I feel hubby finds R difficult to cope with and (not for a minute suggesting he isn't a good father) finds handling different sorts of emotions/aggression/etc particularly difficult. There are certain situations which hubby cannot deal with and I find myself feeling quite alone, but again I accept there are situations which he may find difficult.

 

I don't think having an ASD makes anyone less or a person, but it is widely recognised that it is a disorder and people with that disorder may experience varying degrees of difficulties with certain things eg social interaction, feelings/emotions, etc. Some people do extremely well to 'sail' through life without any help, whereas others find life extremely difficult and there perhaps can come a point when they need answers and help.

 

I wish I had a penny every time I hear statements about everyone having autistic traits. We all have our funny ways/ideosyncrasies/etc for sure. Clearly, there's a cut off point ie diagnostic criteria which dictates who has an ASD and who doesn't and that's the only way to find out for sure. NAS can provide details about how to go about seeking a diagnosis. I'm also aware that there are organisations specifically for adults diagnosed or undiagnosed where they can simply chat to others. Again, that would be worth contacting NAS for those details specific to your area. Another first point of contact would be your GP who could arrange for a referral if that was a route you both wanted to go down.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited November 10, 2008 by cmuir

[Worried]

Hi Delyth,

 

Thanks very much for this reply and I will get the books suggested now. Have looked at your website and if I can will attend the next meeting (I sometimes work in London) so you have been really helpful. Sheena

 

Hi

 

Welcome to the forum... sorry I haven't got much time to reply to all your writing, but just to let you know that my husband was diagnosed AS a couple of years ago at the age of 44yrs. This diagnosis saved our marriage as it gave both of us a framework, the same framework, to understand his 'odd' behaviour and communication difficulties. With this understanding we have been able to re establish a good marriage.

 

The first thing I found helpful, was to read all the books, especially the few aimed specifically at relationships. Not all will be relevant but you will find the bits that are helpful for you. Ashley Stanford's book 'Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships' was particularly helpful.

 

And, most importantly, look after yourself.

 

I have organised a support group (it's free!) specifically for spouses trying to maintain a good relationship - it's in London but all are welcome. The details are on: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk

Do come in December if you can!

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

 

[Worried]

Hi All,

 

Thanks very much for these fast and helpful replies. I've just ordered a couple of books that people suggested on amazon, and will call the NAS tomorrow. A friend is going to lend me "The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome" - A guide to living in an intimate relationship with a partner who has Asperger Syndorme by Maxine C. Aston. So those sound like good starting points.

 

I can't tell you how gateful I am to you all for being generous with your time and helping me towards understanding.

 

Sheena

 

[billabong]

Hi Sheena

 

Welcome to the forum <'> from another wife of AS husband. I won't add anything else - sent a private e-mail to you a couple of days ago (it'll be indicated under 'new messages' in top right hand corner, in case you've not come across it yet).

 

All the best

 

Billabong

[baddad]

Hi Sheena

 

Welcome to the forum <'> from another wife of AS husband. I won't add anything else - sent a private e-mail to you a couple of days ago (it'll be indicated under 'new messages' in top right hand corner, in case you've not come across it yet).

 

All the best

 

Billabong

 

Hi billabong

 

When did your husband get his diagnosis, and how did he achieve that? I noticed there was another thread running about adult diagnostic centres, etc,

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=19470

 

so I'm sure that member would be really interested in his experiences.

 

 

[billabong]

Hi Baddad

 

I usually put 'AS (not diagnosed)' ref my husband - managed to miss it off in error in that posting. I've respected and understand his unwillingness for official diagnosis, especially after I posted a request early on about what people's experiences were, in relation to DH's fear that diagnosis would affect his future job prospects. And he doesn't want to go for diagnosis even if that weren't the case. We've read enough and done enough online tests (OK, not always the 'be all and end all') for both to accept that he fits the profile, and to work with it rather than against it. Thanks for the link though.

 

Billabong

[martyn]

Hi,

 

All these comments have been very helpful and it?s really nice to know that there are strangers who are willing to give their time and knowledge. So thank you all very much.

 

It sounds like he has AS to me, and of course it has always been a problem, but we didn?t realise how much of a problem till recently. In general people think he?s just a bit odd. I doubt if a diagnosis would help because he is what he is and anyway I married him for better or worse. He?s got many, many good qualities and I?ve been tolerant of strange behaviour because of them. If I?d known about AS sooner, I would have done many things in a different way. My husband also feels that I patronise him, Diane, he says I treat him like a teacher, but I?m struggling to help. I?ve no idea what the best approach is. How do you give emotional support to a man who never talks about his feelings? Tally, you said that ?If you can understand more about AS, then you might find strategies which can help you communicate better with your husband.? Is there a book that might give me a better insight?

 

Thanks again for all the help!