Trying to get help before I crack up

[peaches]

I have been trying to recruit a childminder or a nanny who will help me with the school run and give a few sessions of childcare too.

 

I really feel Im at my limit.

 

The City Council Information Link worker who supplies lists of nannies and child minders has worked through them with me but none of them can do the school run. Also no one in my immediate area has vacancies anyway. We have tried further afield, but of course no one wants to do the school run from another district. Social Services have already been asked to help when I had my hysterectomy and they couldnt. Then 4 months later they sent me 6 weeks worth of 2 hours a week support and this is due to finish.

 

I dont need to tell you how difficult a school run is with an ASD child. Well add to that a baby and a toddler in a double buggy and its just a nightmare. If R has one to one he is not too bad to manage on the school run, but when my attention is diverted with the pram or getting his sisters out of the house and into the car, he is an absolute nightmare. I am making star charts and targets around getting ready in the morning already so I am working on that.

 

My husband tried to get part time hours at work, but they only offered him shifts which makes our situation worse. His trade union advised him that the next step would be a tribunal and it would take months. I dont have months. He is due to start a new job soon, although the hours are better, they are still variable, so Im not hopeful.

 

Have any of you come to any arrangements regarding the school run which work and could be applied to my situation, to make it run more smoothly?

[Enid]

Hi Peaches, could you ask round at school or pre-school if any of the other parents are going your way? thats all I can think of for now? <'> Enid

[peaches]

Hi Peaches, could you ask round at school or pre-school if any of the other parents are going your way? thats all I can think of for now? <'> Enid

 

Thanks Enid. Done that. There are people who will help on the odd day but no one wants it full time. As you can imagine, swapping and changing is really bad for Rs behaviour. I have thought of handing out flyers in the school yard ... or advertising.

 

[chris54]

Hi Peaches

When I was a Child minder I often got people wanting me to do just the school run and was never able to help.

It just doesn't work out.

 

You may have some luck advertising. Does the school have a newsletter you could put request in.

 

I think that anyone looking after children for 2 hours or less do not have to be registered child carers, but you would have to check that.

 

Could you afford to us a taxi. Taxis are used by councils for school runs so why not you.

 

Cant really think of anything else.

 

 

[jo jones]

hi peaches wiv us u can apply for taxi to pick kids up if they have special needs,,ask the local council cos it must be so difficult for u,,see if they can help,, sorry if not much use jo,,

[Tally]

Maybe a more realistic solution would be to look for someone to stay at home with the younger ones while you take Ralph to school. A local retired person may well be willing to do this for a bit of extra cash. They might be able to give them breakfast while you are out so you can focus on getting him out in the mornings.

[Karen A]

Hi peaches.I do not want to put a spanner in the works and disagree with what others have said.But I thought it worth mentioning.If it does not help then please ignore my comments.

I hope I am understanding the situation ok from other posts....this is the problem with a Forum where different bits are posted in different places.If I am wrong please feel free to shoot me.

If Social Services are involved regarding some or all of the children due to your complex situation then they may well want to know that anyone that you ask to care for the children is CRB checked.The check should be done for registered child minders,nannies and individuals registered or employed by the council.Anyone that you pay to care for the children should have evidence of a CRB check.

In most cases for parents looking for baby sitting etc it is at the parents discretion whether to ask for evidence of things like CRB check and references etc.

However regulations are very strict indeed for Foster carers ,much stricter than for parents.

If you are in the process of attempting to foster or adopt even though you are a relative of the children it would not be in your best interests to not follow the same strict guidelines as foster carers.Social Services may well pick up on it during assessments.So any informal arrangement with somone from school,older people not registered etc may not be a good idea.Social Services may also become aware if you are using somone to provide childcare who is not qualified or seen to be appropriately experienced.They could then question your ability to provide a safe or appropriate standard of care.

I really hope that I am helping rather than making things worse. <'> Karen.

[joybed]

We have used childminders in the past before school and they both let us down very quickly saying they couldn,t cope with Marcus behaviour. After the second one felt she couldn,t cope we decided it would be easier for me to change my job so i would be around to do the school run. This was before the twins were born. After they arrived it was very difficult to get all three of them up and and out and i was axhausted while i was doing the night feeds as well but there was no one to help who would be consistantly be there for Marcus so i battled on. It is still an ongoing battle as even though Marcus gets the school bus it is still a battle to make sure he is out of the house on time and now i have the other 2 to take to school and Piers fights every step of the way. So sorry i havn,t been much use but justed wanted to say i am thinking of you as I know what it is like.

[peaches]

Karen - SS aware. Not fostering.

[peaches]

We have used childminders in the past before school and they both let us down very quickly saying they couldn,t cope with Marcus behaviour. After the second one felt she couldn,t cope we decided it would be easier for me to change my job so i would be around to do the school run. This was before the twins were born. After they arrived it was very difficult to get all three of them up and and out and i was axhausted while i was doing the night feeds as well but there was no one to help who would be consistantly be there for Marcus so i battled on. It is still an ongoing battle as even though Marcus gets the school bus it is still a battle to make sure he is out of the house on time and now i have the other 2 to take to school and Piers fights every step of the way. So sorry i havn,t been much use but justed wanted to say i am thinking of you as I know what it is like.

 

Thanks Joy. I thought there would be someone else. I did wonder if you know who would put them off too! Im quite happy to do the school run if the girls are looked after but it is so difficult with them.

 

At the moment an outreach worker from the council is going through a list of nannies, so far no luck.

[Karen A]

Karen - SS aware. Not fostering.

 

Sorry I am not being very clear.I know you are a birth relative so not fostering as such.However if you are hoping to have an assessment done for the youngest Social Services will still look at how you are coping with the sibblings.I really do not intend to upsett you.I just do not want you to do anything without thinking about it if it could impact your chances of keeping the family together if that is what you want.It is a very complex area indeed.Karen.

 

[something_different]

most childminders will not do just a school run as it would take up a place where they could have a full time child.

 

 

[JsMum]

 

 

 

What about requesting school transport, it could be that your GS could have an escort by Taxi, I know that fosterparents can request transport to school and home even if its not in a statement or otherwise, if he cant get to school he cant access his educuation.

 

I would look into if education can provide transport on this reason.

 

You can apply for transport in exceptional circumstances.

 

You need to contact the transport services of your local authority.

 

I would also look into other socail services family support too to give you a break, I dont know how your doing it to be frank, my hat is off to you, your amazing.

 

JsMum

 

[JsMum]

 

 

 

just to add about exceptional curcumstances to get transport, is they may turn you down, but you can appeal, once the panel have heard your situation I know the council will do all they can to help make sure your gs gets to school.

 

JsMum

 

[JsMum]

 

 

 

ALSO ON a roll, write to your local MP and express your situation, Im sure he will ensure you get support socially, and educationally, what is clear is you need more support, you can share with him the difficulties it is to get child care cover, it may be there is funding for nursery places for the yonger two one so you can get your Gson to school, but also once he is there, you can have a break too.

 

I hope that you get something soon.

 

JsMum

 

[Kazzen161]

You could try Homestart if you have one in your area. You could also try advertising in your local college for a childcare student.

 

When the Twins were babies, I used to change, dress and feed them when we came back after dropping T off.

[NikkiSmith]

I have no idea if any of this will help you, but it's the only way I survive some days!

 

I have a couple of fantastic trained and qualified members of staff who have been involved with my 6yr old over the years, who if I am desperate will try to come and help me out with all 3 of my boys.

 

One via Mencap/Portage and another via a local overnight respite care place - is there anywhere similar near you? Simply because they are CRB checked, usually know what the challenges are likely to be/how to deal with them and more importantly their working hours/shifts are different and they are more likely to be available for the morning school run.

 

We also had something called SHIP here (School/Home Integration Project organised by the autism outreach worker) and a member of staff from my sons class was paid to come to our house in the morning and help get him to school - I don't know if this exists where you are, but it might do.

 

I wish I could come up with something more definite!

 

Nikki.

 

[NobbyNobbs]

your easier option probbaly is going to be getting someone to care for the younger ones while you manage any challenging behaviour of your grandson (that might scare people off). even if you're not religious give local churches a go too. they might know someone who can give you an hour in the morning to watch the little ones, give them breakfast etc.

 

this might not be ideal in the long term (we are often desperate for the monthly weekend respite we get when fostering really difficult kids so i completely understand an hour is just not enough when you're worn out and stressed) but it might buy you a little time to find something that suits a bit better. other options we've used with challenging children are things as simple as someone watching the kids while we go to the supermarket, or out for an afternoon walk. if you can be flexible in what you're looking for that might also increase your chances of finding something

 

i wouldn't worry about the CRB unless you're leaving the kids for a long period of time or overnight (obviously as long as you know who you're leaving them with!). foster carers can leave kids with anyone they know well enough to feel are safe without a CRB so SS aren't gonna take you down for that (otherwise foster kids would never get to go to sleepovers and play round friends houses) its the being paid part that complicates things and means CRBs tend to be needed for some reason but as long as its a temporary thing it shouldn't be a problem. plus lots of people have CRBs from other things and the constant changing law seems to say that as long as you have one you're covered in some way (i have had 7 done in 4 years... at some point they'll work out i'm not a criminal!)

 

i also posted this somewhere else but i can't remember where so i'll put it again - contact local universities and ask there, lots of students with time on their hands happy to make some pocket money. Discovery is a national charity thing, all students are CRB checked so thats covered, and they're trained for child protection and can go on other courses to learn more about specific things. because your grandson has a disability they might be able to help

[bikemad]

At my lads school theres a taxi for the disabled kids but im not sure who it is supplied by if that makes sense.....if I wanted my lad to use it I could but im lucky in that ive only got him to sort if that makes sense n he would rather go with me.

[peaches]

ALSO ON a roll, write to your local MP and express your situation, Im sure he will ensure you get support socially, and educationally, what is clear is you need more support, you can share with him the difficulties it is to get child care cover, it may be there is funding for nursery places for the yonger two one so you can get your Gson to school, but also once he is there, you can have a break too.

 

I hope that you get something soon.

 

JsMum

 

Thanks Js mum. I tried this when I was having my hysterectomy and got nothing.

 

They are in nursery part time, but I would find it hard to get them up and ready and out to nursery before I get GS to school. Its a thought though. Im a bit rubbish in a morning to be honest. I have fibromyalgia amongst other things and until medication has kicked in I dont function that well.

[jb1964]

Hi Peaches,

 

Sorry that I can't offer any practical advice but just wanted to say how much I admire you and how difficult it must be for you.

 

My parents look after my children while I work and I am eternally grateful for their support - there have been many a time where my mum has almost said I cannot do this anymore - especially the older she has got and although my father has recently retired to help out I know it is not an easy ride for them especially as we have no other family.

 

Take care and stay strong,

Jb x

 

[stressedmumto2]

I just wondered if you had thought about trying for direct payments and then seeing if you can get an organisation to help with the mornings by using the money you get from the direct payments. In our area we have two quite good agencies who work with disabled children and adults they have workers who are willing to work around the hours that suit the parent to do as little or as much respite as you need. I wonder if there is anything set up like this in your area?? One of ours is specifically a autism out-reach service provider and the other is for families with a child whom has a disability........ah just though of another one in our area too that usually work with elderly whom also work with autistic children.......there must be something like this in your area.......I hope so.

 

We have had all kinds of support to help me with getting son into school over the years, luckily for me I have a very complaint daughter or it would of been hard work, I remember how difficult it was out shopping with them both!!

 

Another thing to look at is home start, when both my children were young we had a home start helper, she was lovely and would come round one afternoon a week, my son couldn't be left alone with her but just having another person there to help makes such a huge difference. I think they stop working with the family once the youngest has turned 5. But she was great and just having another pair of hands for just a few hours a week really helped me.

 

I do really hope you get some help soon and want to wish you lots of luck, take care <'> <'>

[peaches]

Before I try for direct payments I want his assessments and diagnosis to be complete or his statement done. Then I will apply for DLA and possibly direct payments.

 

I found someone who could do the child care and the school run today, but she is not OFSTED registered so this would be a problem with getting my tax credits. Im now looking into how someone gets registered on the voluntary register for childcare and how long it all takes.

[chris54]

I think it takes about 6 weeks If your lucky.

[peaches]

Thanks everyone for your good wishes.

 

I am feeling a little better ... it was the usual sleep deprivation combined with us all trying to get over a viral infection. Mind you last night wasnt too good - 4 interruptions to sleep from 2 of the children. But you all know about bad nights dont you?

 

I have been given a contact for some support within our parish, but also Im thinking in the short term of changing the nursery hours that our girls do, so that the school run is easier at least one way, or for a limited number of days.

[peaches]

My darling husband is taking us to centre parcs for a few days shortly so I can recuperate in the spa.

[Karen A]

My darling husband is taking us to centre parcs for a few days shortly so I can recuperate in the spa.

<'> <'> How many days are you hoping to spend in the spa....you must be due a few.Karen.

 

[peaches]

Karen, they probably cant provide enough days for my requirements ...

 

Looking forward to it though. Even just one session would be better than none. Husband can be a bit thick skinned though, he has some Aspie traits. I have to make suggestions and hints very very clearly before he will realise that I need something.

[peaches]

Last night I started to have second thoughts about employing someone else to do the school run.

 

R has become very clingy lately, and we tried to discuss it last night. He said he missed me when he was at school and it made him feel all wobbly inside. (bless).

 

I know I need help somehow, but Im starting to wonder whether I can alter the girl's nursery pick up time, so I can pick up R on his own, then pick up the girls so he feels as if Im there just for him. Also its proving very tricky to get someone already OFSTED registered.

 

Im hoping to have a moment of clarity at Centre parcs!! We have a lot of other family stuff going on at the moment which requires my support (daughter ... hopeless boyfriend ... adoption of 4th grandchild etc) and I am carrying around too much.

[BuntyB]

 

My first port of call would be the school SENCO/ your LEA. Surely they will offer some advice on getting to school?

HomeStart is a good idea if you come in one of there areas because the help is free and volunteers are CRB checked. They could hold the fort at home while you give your older child special attention on the journey abd you'll have time for the little ones once he's safely at school.

 

If not, just a thought, but have you asked Social Services for a list of private providers of care/help? I am not in the same district or same age range (I deal with over 65s!) but our list covers providers who also do special needs children. If you can't get funding and have to pay for some help, your DLA will help fund it. Don't wait for statements etc. get the form ordered NOW because it will be backdated! Not only that but you don't need a dx, just have to demonstrate the amount of extra care you need to provide- there is plenty of advice on DLA on here.

 

[peaches]

Well we are back from center parcs and my moment of clarity was

 

Employ a nanny quick!

 

I have returned more exhausted than when I went. The best sort of holiday for me is really just lying on a beach. The kids did enjoy it though, but two of them slept really badly and the youngest started throwing up after swimming and it went on all night. How typical is that?

 

I had two moments of serenity though ... reflexology and flower arranging. Must start doing one or the other regularly.

[Enid]

A nanny, genius!!!!! Enid

[peaches]

You'd have thought so Enid, so did I ...

 

Then I started looking into the tax for nannies and NI nightmare as they are employees. I have found someone who will do the school run alone, but need to sort the practicalities if I go ahead. But Ive so much to think of, DD is talking about leaving the waste of space and coming back home again.

[Enid]

Could you get direct payments from SS to help with payments? Is it a good thing DD coming home, could she help or will it be some one else for you to worry about look after? Enid

[peaches]

Hi Enid,

SS have never been any help to us just a hinderance. This may change when R gets statement/assessments are complete though, but I cant hold my breath.

 

DD coming home ... hmmm. She is an Aspie so she never thinks to help anyone out who needs it, but we realise now that we need to spell out exactly what she has to do. Trouble is, if we are too authoritarian with her she takes off again. I have to take her to appointments because she cant do that sort of stuff on her own. She can watch the smaller ones, but only really whilst Im in the house. She has been back quite a few times and left again without a word because the bf has some sort of hold over her, but she has started to figure out that his act is just being manipulative. This takes a lot of doing for someone like her. He does all the usual stuff when she reads, takes overdoses, lies down in the middle of the road. I cant be sumpathetic towards him because I know too much about him IYSWIM. He is a bad lot.

 

I do like having her home, though, cos I know where she is and what she is doing. I dont feel so lonely during the day when the kids are playing up if she is there. But when she walks out, I have to pick up the pieces with all the children and thats not easy.

[lynne]

 

 

Hi Peaches,

 

 

Have you thought about contacting your local Barnardos. They offer support advice and guidance for parents struggling.

 

There aim is to keep children happy and prevent things escalating

 

 

 

[Enid]

Peaches, <'> <'> <'> They are all lucky to have you! Enid