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Hurting others

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Hi

My 8yr old son who has asp is starting to get rather agressive towards his friends. The school have mentioned it to me and his friends have also told me that he keeps hurting them. I have discussed this with my son and have explained why it is wrong. He says he cant help it, his friends make him angry. He does hurt people when he gets excited too. Has anyone else been through similar situations and how have you dealt with it, i am really worried he will end up with no friends.

 

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Hi, I don't know if this is going to be of any help, but I'm 24 and I have ASD. I get angry and frustrated very easily and I tend to lash out at people. This has become more controllable as I've gotten older but I understand that a boy will do more damage than a girl! Perhaps it's worth explaining why he does this to the school so they may tell the pupils that when your son hurts them it is not because he wants to, he can't help it.

On the other hand, your son might find martial arts or something similar helpful in order to understand when violence is relevant and when it is not. I took up Aikido a while ago and it has really helped me to view violence in a different way and the times I would usually get frustrated with someone and hurt them, I find myself going through my breathing exercises and planning the attack as I have been taught, and by the time I've done this in my mind, I am calm again! Martial arts teach discipline and breathing exercises that prove helpful in everything I do in my life. Aikido is a calmer form of martial art, aimed at women who want to learn self-defence techniques. Perhaps Judo, Karate or Tae Kwon Do would be better suited to your son.

Good luck!

Amy x

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Hi, I don't know if this is going to be of any help, but I'm 24 and I have ASD. I get angry and frustrated very easily and I tend to lash out at people. This has become more controllable as I've gotten older but I understand that a boy will do more damage than a girl! Perhaps it's worth explaining why he does this to the school so they may tell the pupils that when your son hurts them it is not because he wants to, he can't help it.

On the other hand, your son might find martial arts or something similar helpful in order to understand when violence is relevant and when it is not. I took up Aikido a while ago and it has really helped me to view violence in a different way and the times I would usually get frustrated with someone and hurt them, I find myself going through my breathing exercises and planning the attack as I have been taught, and by the time I've done this in my mind, I am calm again! Martial arts teach discipline and breathing exercises that prove helpful in everything I do in my life. Aikido is a calmer form of martial art, aimed at women who want to learn self-defence techniques. Perhaps Judo, Karate or Tae Kwon Do would be better suited to your son.

Good luck!

Amy x

 

Hi

Thank you for your reply, i do find it hard as the school seem to think it has nothing to do with asd. I have suggested to my son that he counts to 10 etc but he says he does but he is still angry. I will look into some classes for him, he did say he wanted to join one before but i was worried it would make him worse.

 

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Hi

Thank you for your reply, i do find it hard as the school seem to think it has nothing to do with asd. I have suggested to my son that he counts to 10 etc but he says he does but he is still angry. I will look into some classes for him, he did say he wanted to join one before but i was worried it would make him worse.

 

Hi.Do you think school are right ?

Ben gets very angry at times although he does not usually hurt others.He is more likely to shout.Usually when Ben is frustrated it is related to difficulties with him not being understood or due to Social Communication Difficulties.We are attempting to increase understanding and support.

It is possible that your DS is finding that he is angry for unrelated reasons to AS.However it is possible that he is angry because perhaps he is not being appropriately supported or is finding it more diffficult to understand the complex social world in the playground.

I am not saying that hurting others is ok.Your DS does need to learn that it is not a good way to deal with anger and to have clear consistent boundaries in place.However there might be some differences in how you and the school attempt to prevent frustration escalating into agression.Karen.

 

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Hi.Do you think school are right ?

Ben gets very angry at times although he does not usually hurt others.He is more likely to shout.Usually when Ben is frustrated it is related to difficulties with him not being understood or due to Social Communication Difficulties.We are attempting to increase understanding and support.

It is possible that your DS is finding that he is angry for unrelated reasons to AS.However it is possible that he is angry because perhaps he is not being appropriately supported or is finding it more diffficult to understand the complex social world in the playground.

I am not saying that hurting others is ok.Your DS does need to learn that it is not a good way to deal with anger and to have clear consistent boundaries in place.However there might be some differences in how you and the school attempt to prevent frustration escalating into agression.Karen.

 

I think the school are doing there best, i am not sure if him hurting others is due to his AS as such but he seems to blame it on as himself. I have tried to explain to him what AS is and am worrying now that he uses it as an excuse to get away with things. At home he does throw tantrums when he doesnt get his own way but doesnt hurt us with anger. He only hurts us when he is over excited. When angry he does normal things like slamming doors etc.

 

I have manged with everything else but i really dont know what to do. I picked him up from school today and was pulled aside by the deputy head and his teacher as he had scratched one of his friends, they have put him in the time out book so he will miss playtime tommorow. Now his other friend who also has AS has said he is not his friend and my son is now upset as he wont have anyone to play with and doesnt want to go to school tommorow.

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We have had the same thing at school in the playground. When asked by teacher "why", he does not know why.That he does not realise/remember he has hurt anyone.

He later related it to my in this way " I was playing with xxxx then the others came along and spoiled it.

Also he does not like to be crowded.

And makes up games which are impossible to follow and then gets angry when you don't play them right.

Iv told all this to teacher and they now keep an eye out to head off trouble.

 

When asked he knows that he should not hurt people.

 

Basically he does not know how to play.

EP has said that he needs adult led play at play time, that he spends a lot of playtime rushing around with very little purpose.

 

The EP realy seems to understand ASD and seems to have passed this understanding on to the school and his teachers.

 

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I would share it with the senco, there may be social skills group or a group that looks at how to cope with confrontations and conflict issues, is there any buddy systems, is he missing all of his playtime, will he understand why he is missing it tomorrow? he really needs extra support in social situations.

 

National Autistic Society do booklets on playground difficulties, its free, and its very good.

 

Also are the children been aggressive to your son?

 

I remember I punished my son in front of a boy who said he had been hurt by J, only at bedtime Jay said the boy had punched him in his tummy and winded him, he hit him back because he got so upset with not been able to breathe, Jay flips if he cant breath.

 

I felt soo bad that night but now Im very careful what tale some kid in the playground tells me, sometimes kids love seeing other kids getting into trouble.

 

JsMum

 

 

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I think the school are doing there best, i am not sure if him hurting others is due to his AS as such but he seems to blame it on as himself. I have tried to explain to him what AS is and am worrying now that he uses it as an excuse to get away with things. At home he does throw tantrums when he doesnt get his own way but doesnt hurt us with anger. He only hurts us when he is over excited. When angry he does normal things like slamming doors etc.

 

I have manged with everything else but i really dont know what to do. I picked him up from school today and was pulled aside by the deputy head and his teacher as he had scratched one of his friends, they have put him in the time out book so he will miss playtime tommorow. Now his other friend who also has AS has said he is not his friend and my son is now upset as he wont have anyone to play with and doesnt want to go to school tommorow.

 

Are incidents happening at a particular time ? Ben has difficulties during unstructured times.If so could school provide extra support during such times.If the deputy head and teacher have both spoken to you and your DS has scratched another child then the school should be thinking about how to provide appropriate support and intervention.It might be that the difficulties are AS related or it may not be.However if a child is hurting others then the school should be looking into what is going on.For a child who did not have ASD it would be reasonable to expect the school to be coming up with some sort of behaviour management plan or to be asking for advice from the behaviour support team or EP.

In my experience with Ben whatever action is taken to deal with challenging behaviour needs to be soon after the event.Sanctions the next day are too far away.Also if the cause of the behaviour is not adressed in my experience sanctions alone may not prevent further incidents.Ben would not be able to make the link between his actions and a next day sanction without adult support.Even if he could he would then not be able to change his behaviour if the situation cropped up again.

So the sanction alone would not work.

Do you have any support from ASD outreach ? Something like a Social Story to explain no hitting might help.Karen.

 

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thank you all for you support. I have no one except for the school to talk to. He has been discharged from the paedtrician and i dont know of anyone in my area to talk to. My husband is not very understanding.

 

 

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thank you all for you support. I have no one except for the school to talk to. He has been discharged from the paedtrician and i dont know of anyone in my area to talk to. My husband is not very understanding.

 

 

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Hi

My 8yr old son who has asp is starting to get rather agressive towards his friends. The school have mentioned it to me and his friends have also told me that he keeps hurting them. I have discussed this with my son and have explained why it is wrong. He says he cant help it, his friends make him angry. He does hurt people when he gets excited too. Has anyone else been through similar situations and how have you dealt with it, i am really worried he will end up with no friends.

 

We have problems with our 6 year old at school similar to this. We all think (school included) that its very much to do with his Asperger's. He doesnt know he is hurting others, he just considers himself and not the feelings of others. Its a social communication disorder. This sort of behaviour is fairly typical of Asperger's boys isnt it? R gets supervision at lunchtimes in the playground. Other parents have complainted about him. Last half term something he injured another child who had to be sent to casualty. Ive walked through the playground at hometime and almost felt the daggers in my back from the other parents. It is hard to get through to them.

 

R is a bit like this at home sometimes with his sisters. Recently I put up a notice in the kitchen on the adice of our clin psych (R likes notices). "These are the new rules. If you trap your sisters hand in the door, I take away your game cube for 2 hours. If you push your sister over I take your game cube away for 2 hours ...." etc etc. This seems to have had some success. But Im not holding my breath.

 

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Hi there,

my Aspie son has real problems communicating how he's feeling. He finds it tough enough in a calm, controlled environment, where there's no pressure to relay this info in a certain amount of time, so when he gets into a situation like the playground, with the unpredictability of other kids and the tendency for things to happen suddenly, it's a big challenge for him to remember to react in acceptable ways rather than what is more instinctive to him- namely, lashing out or shouting in what comes across as an exaggerated fashion. He does try not to do these things and is often successful, although the other kids still perceive him to be overreacting, but they know the score and he has had one or two notes written for him by the other kids, saying he did well not to hit or scream. (They have a box at his school where the kids can post notes about things they think other kids or adults in the school have done well!)

Its went a bit pear shaped this week, but I am very proud of the way he's learning to cope.

It sounds like your son certainly needs support at school in coping at playtime- it really is such a difficult part of the day for many children. Karen's advice is excellent- and it is the school's duty to try and support your son. I know of a few kids who were able to go and carry out a specific duty if they felt they could not cope with being in the hurly-burly of the playground- one of them preferred to go on litter patrol (he adored the high-visibility vest he got to wear), another liked helping in the dinner hall... My own son still often chooses to stay indoors, with or without a friend, and do a quieter activity- it avoids 'all the hassle...' as he puts it.

Or maybe even having a quieter area of the playground he could go to when its a bit rambunctious?

Again, I agree with Karen- he needs clear, concise and consistent rules about what he must not do and the consequences if he does them. Rules such as 'Be nice to others' are too wooly for many kids on the spectrum (not all, I don't imagine, but certainly most of the kids I know are like my boy in this respect,) so they must be laid out clearly, 'Do not swear at others', 'Do not hurt others', 'Do not shout at others'...

And consistency has been key to helping my son behave more acceptably. Every member of staff who might work with your son needs to know this and they all need to adhere to the same thing- its no good if one assistant will send him to the head for hitting, while his teacher gives him lines and another assistant gives time out as punishment.....(IYSWIM!) My lad was actually very good at manipulating all the staff that worked with him, but once they all sang from the same hym sheet, so to speak, he was scuppered-and he knew it!

Could your doc refer you to CAMHS, if you feel help is needed? Or perhaps you could approach the school and ask for the Educational Psychologist to get involved? They can often come up with strategies that the school can implement-and as always, professionals will listen to other professionals before parents, hey?

 

I hope things improve, it's a wretched situation when you know your child is unhappy but you can't do anything about it.....keep your chin up.

 

Esther x

 

 

 

 

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Hi

My 8yr old son who has asp is starting to get rather agressive towards his friends. The school have mentioned it to me and his friends have also told me that he keeps hurting them. I have discussed this with my son and have explained why it is wrong. He says he cant help it, his friends make him angry. He does hurt people when he gets excited too. Has anyone else been through similar situations and how have you dealt with it, i am really worried he will end up with no friends.

I can completely relate to you on this one. My daughter, Lib- 5year old, bites at least twice a week. A few months ago the useless head master at her school took my husband into his office and told him "you need to tell your daughter that it is unacceptable to bite other children". You cannot get much more condescending than that. He also said he may have to exclude her from school for the safety of the other children. I had 4 meetings with him last year begging for some sort of support for Lib. He always said he didn't think it was that serious enough. She has appointments with the Ed Psychologists and CAMHS next week for ASD assessment so they will be forced to get some support in hopefully!

Unfortunately my daughter does not comprehend if she hurts other children that eventually they will no longer want to be friends with her. My biggest fear at the moment is that she will be a lonely outcast. It's awful to think that the person you love most in the world will not be accepted for who they are. The teacher at the nursery she attended last year came up to me and said "if she doesn't stop attacking kids, nobody is going to want to know her". I was devastated. It's like they had written her off at 3 years old. I guess the thing I am starting to realize is that I am a lot more bothered about her having friends than she is. She could really care less so it doesn't seem to be hurting her at all for now. I know it's probably not much help. I just wanted to let you know that other people have the same worries. Thanks, Skye

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