Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Julieanne

Does anyone else feel like this ?

Recommended Posts

Hello Everyone, I wanted to ask you all something...

 

I am due to do a shop to supermarket possibly saturday, but that means taking my son who has ASD with us...hubby doesnt want too, he says it is too stressful , he gets so angry with people staring and he feels he cant take all the nasty ''comments'' anymore. I however am a little bit stronger in dealing with it, and i feel that why shouldnt we take him, i can go when jay is at school but i feel why should i? if that makes sense, he has every right ot go to a supermarket if he wants too, he isnt a monster! lol :rolleyes:

 

But from the stressful side, my poor hubby gets so wound up all in defence of our little one, which i throughly understand. i am disabled myself i have nerological problems, use crutches to walk long distances, and i have degenerative discs in spine that cause me alot of pain so i cant go on my own i have to have hubby with me. hubby doesnt work at the moment as i cant always deal with jay due to the pain im in on a daily basis, so he is around in week to help me with household stuff and to be here to collect jay to and from school as i cant always drive due to the conditions i have.

 

just wondered if anyone else had a partner that felt this way? i also feel mad at people with their ignorance but as i say i can deal with it better i think..

 

it is getting him down so much that he feels that he doesnt want to go out, can anyone else relate? :(

 

thanks and hugs to all

 

Julieanne x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we have all felt the urge to stop fighting and not take our kids anywhere at one time or another.

 

The only thing I would ask is are you sure this is all down to your son's behaviours, or is any of this coming more directly from hubby? Have his behaviours got worse, or has your husband become less tolerant of them?

 

Simon

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Julianne :) -

I think there's another consideration you have to make that goes alongside of your son's right to go to the supermarket, and that is that he also has a right to develop that very necessary lifeskill, and to achieve that at the earliest possible point. Yes, it is hugely stressful - and actually more for us than the kids sometimes! - but it is so, so important too and it is hugely beneficial to them in so many other aspects of their everyday lives. Coping with all of the things a supermarket represents - crowds, noise, temptations and distractions - opens the doors for so many other things (restaurants, movies theatres, funfairs, swimming baths - the list really is endless) - is a massive step forward for any child, but it is a hugely empowering step that they deserve every ounce of our encouragement and support to take if they can...

On a purely practical level - one of the best pieces of advice I ever got from this forum (thanks again, pooks) was to equip my son with a walkman for shopping trips so he could filter out some of the unpredictable sensations in favour of predictable/known ones. We quickly gravitated to a Gameboy, and to this day Ben still takes a PSP with him most weeks but this is now for pleasure rather than for distraction purposes. Sometimes he chooses to help me shop (especially if it's a special shop for christmas or a birthday party or something), and some days he even does his own shopping and takes himself through the self-service terminal with those bits.

This may sound harsh on hubby (but hopefully it'll sound a bit better coming from another dad), but it really shouldn't be about how stressful he finds it, it should be about how stressful your son does. The remedy for dad is a simple one; once your son can negotiate the supermarket dad's problem will go away!

 

Hope that helps

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we have to develop a thick skin and a good sense of humour. Try to ignore other people (not always easy I know).

 

I did not take my son to the supermarket on a Saturday, because he could not cope with it. I would try to do the main shop on my own, but do short trips to the shop with T when it was not so busy and I was not so stressed.

 

The noise and bustle of a busy supermarket is going to stress your child, and his behaviour will deteriorate. Give him the best chance of coping by going when it is quieter and he does not have to wait too long.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My DH doesn,t cope well with any aspects of my sons ASD. He tries to do his best for him but becomes easily frustrated and angry with him. He is devastated that our younger son is also undergoing assessment and tells me everyday that their is nothing wrong with Piers it is Marcus bad behaviour that influences him. We have talked about this till we are blue in the face but he just can,t cope and i don,t really think he wants to. He sometimes makes unhelpful and very hurtful comments like "can,t we just send him to live with his Nanna" or "I wish we could get him into residential school because then he won,t cause us so many problems". At times i have hated him for these comments and have nearly left a number of times, but underneath all this he is a good man who won,t let anyone else say anything bad about M and he is trying by attending family therapy. I also think he was a brave man to get involved with me when i had an ASD son but on the other hand I was honest with him from the start so he shoud have walked away if he couldn,t cope.

As for supermarkets thay are a nightmare both of my boys become really overstimulated by the bright lights, colours and the noise levels. Piers always has a huge tantrum and Marcus usually starts vocalising, I send DH now, go on my own when they are at school or shop online I really do symapthise here. I also agree with you that our children should be allowed to go anywhere they want and always have taken them along. i am not easily embarassed and can handle the odd uncaring person who talks before they think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess it depends on the supermarket. :blink:

 

Here they are all huge, noisy and over full with normal people behaving very badly.

 

I do take my kids shopping with me occasionally BUT I go when the supermarket is quiter like after 8pm in the evening or 7am in a morning and normally during a weekday.

 

Have an 'escape' plan in mind just in case it all goes to rubble; these things work best if we can set our kids up for some success.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Julieanne

 

Iknow exactly where you're coming from on this one and can totally sympathise with you

 

Did you know that you can get small cards(like business cards) printed up so if he is really bad in the supermarket you can hand them to people. They just explain that he has autism and that his behaviour might not be what they'd expect and then ask people to please be understanding and patient.

They do work to a degree but they're a bit of a pain when you have to hand them out a lot.

 

I am seriously thinking of getting Z a t-shirt with- I HAVE AUTISM-YOU GOT A PROBLEM- printed on the back so I can take her shopping and don't have to worry bout the mindless idiots And don't have to keep worrying bout what they're thinking. They can read the shirt and maybe they might even be a little more accepting

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

we dont take our son to supermarkets as he hates them, makes him really stressed and he runs off so dont end up with half things i wanted, so i now shop online and my son no longer has to go through the stress of shopping, what time we save from going shopping can now be spend taking our son out to the park or just doing something with him which is better for all of us and so less stressful, i am with the others shopping online is a god send,and i make it a game with my son i read out whats on list and he has to fined it he loves that.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jaden is not my husbands son and although he knew that J had Autism before we got together, things are still difficult especially when talking about the future.

 

Joybed - do we have the same husband? :lol:

 

Seriously though, online shopping is the way to go. A lot of kids, ASD or not hate supermarkets and although I agree with you...why should you not go to the supermarket because of a few small minded twonks?...I can understand how stressful it is.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I couldnt cope with R in a supermarket on a saturday IF we were doing a full shop, but could cope with a quick in quick out and so could he. But you must do what suits you and your boy. I am also disabled. My husband does our big shop on his own. Can your husband do this for you? My husband has been doing this for a number of years and is now better than me at it.

 

If he couldnt do this I would shop online.

 

I have had several of those everyone staring disapprovingly experiences in and out of the supermarket. I bought some of those cards from NAS, but havent used them. I could have done today, but I was too busy bursting into tears!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi again :)

 

Yep, more really good suggestions there about 'building up slowly' and going when the shops are quieter... it's never going to be an easy one to crack, but it is a hugely important one.

 

Zosmum - each to their own and all that, but the reason I really don't like those t-shirts you mentioned is because they devalue your child and by implication all other autistic children...

People don't notice the T-Shirt when your child's quiet and well behaved (and if you think about it, the 'attitude' of the slogan actually confrims that). They notice it when your child is screaming blue murder, throwing stuff around and generally (appearing to be) being obnoxious. The message you actually send, whether you like it or not, is 'autistic children are out of control brats with disinterested parents who excuse themselves from taking responsibilty for their child by getting them to wear sarcastic slogans on their t-shirts'.

If you went out and bought a Fortnum and Mason's picnic hamper would you then re-package the contents into a Lidl shopping bag? So why put your wonderful, valued, loved and 'complicated' child into a t-shirt that ignores all of that in favour of something that labels him as something much more downmarket?

I think the printed cards are a much better idea, but you have to be careful about the wording. It shouldn't be confrontational (sorry, i don't think people who aren't aware of what they are seeing and judge it at face value are 'mindless idiots'), and it shouldn't be apologetic for your child's condition. If the behaviors are challenging for others then I don't think it's wrong to apologise for the impact of those behaviours on others, and I think a card that manages that and informs that you are doing everything you can to help your child learn the skills they need is a really good idea.

 

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are interested I can PM you the message printed on the NAS cards. But they dont cost much, I think I got either 50 or 100 for �2.50 from the NAS website. I havent actually given one out though :(

 

I dont like the t shirts either. I dont know why, but I dont feel the need to advertise Asperger's most of the time, plus most of the ones Ive seen, the message somehow doesnt read right to me (I know that's not good grammar, but you get the gist).

Edited by peaches

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...