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peaches

Using cutlery would be nice ...

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R has decided that he wont bother with cutlery any more, but he did used to use it. For his main meal (usually supernoodles, sometimes chips and popcorn chicken) he has decided he will use his fingers. I know you have to choose your battles, so I dont go on about this. I just supply the cutlery, ask him to use it, and he uses his hands. He is quite capable of using a spoon and a fork, he did use them in the past. He seems to like to touch the food and shove it into his mouth with his fingers, I have seen him with his finger in his mouth even when he has food in there.

 

Does anyone else have this? Do you leave it or have you a strategy?

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You haven't said how old he is?

If he is pre school then I wouldn't worry, like you say it's not a battle worth picking, because when he begins school peer pressure will soon sort it out!

However old you will probably find it is just a phase and he'll soon get fed up of being so messy.

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Yes, my DS (5) has never used cutlery at dinner time, although weirdly he does use a spoon for breakfast :wallbash:

 

Mind you, he does normally use it when we go to a restaurant :thumbs:

 

Like you, I'm not going to turn it into a battle - we have enough of those every day as it is :(

 

I too tend to just supply it and give him a reminder, and hopefully one day it will happen. Not sure if that was much help, but you're certainly not alone :)

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my son has always found using cutlery hard work-but he has learnt to use the fork and spoon but needs lot more practice with a knife

hes 7 and a half and he always has his fingers in his meals-i think its a sensory thing -he likes to touch the food and smell it too.....then what happens cause he has like this tic-where he touchs his ear and hair-the food ends up in his hair but he does not seem to notice this.

 

all i can do is just prompt to use fork and spoon -as im having issues with meal times as it is - :whistle:

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Sorry to disagree, but i would turn it into a battle. If he has shown he can use cutlery and it's not particularly trying/testing for him then why should he be allowed to eat with his fingers? Would you let an NT kid do this? Every time we excuse our children from something they can achieve we limit their opportunities, or - at the very least - reinforce the idea in their heads that they can 'get away' with things by blaming it on their autism. Either way, we're making a rod for our own backs and theirs. Make allowances for the things they can't do - not the things they can.

 

:D

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my parents had this one too, with me. i like to have things in my mouth, but only certain shapes/textures.

do you have one style of cutlery, or lots of odd ones? i have favorite ones based on the shape/size of handle and the bit that goes in your mouth. some i will not use at all (fortunately i'm old enough to go swap it for something i will). perhaps as his mouth has changed shape and size with the changes to his mouth making room for the imminent big teeth he's gone off the feeling of the ones you have? chewing with fingers in his mouth is a real sensory thing and it does feel very good.

i would check that he doesn't have any sore teeth/ulcers etc as the hard metal would make these hurt, then explore options he might be more comfortable with in the cutlery department. eating with fingers is fine with certain foods, but i would imagine supernoodles might be rather messy! (i still eat pasta twirls with my fingers if i'm not paying attention, then look up to find my family staring at me like i'm insane)

from my point of view i would say that fixing the problem need not be a battle, but it does need to be resolved, going backwards is never good!

the cutlery i prefer has a smooth oval plastic handle, and a narrower spoon shape so it fits in my mouth well. unfortunately we only have one spoon like this so its always a good day when its in the drawer for me to use.

as his food is the same as usual i would doubt is a need to feel that if he didn't do it before. if you have family or friends with different types of cutlery ask if you can borrow a set of each and have a go at seeing if that helps

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Sorry to disagree, but i would turn it into a battle. If he has shown he can use cutlery and it's not particularly trying/testing for him then why should he be allowed to eat with his fingers? Would you let an NT kid do this? Every time we excuse our children from something they can achieve we limit their opportunities, or - at the very least - reinforce the idea in their heads that they can 'get away' with things by blaming it on their autism. Either way, we're making a rod for our own backs and theirs. Make allowances for the things they can't do - not the things they can.

 

:D

 

Baddad you mis-understand. I wasn't suggesting that the child should 'get away' with poor behaviour and I wasn't aiming this piece of advice particularly at ASD children but children in general.

It's not a matter of 'getting with away with it' I don't see this issue as being naughty - just going through a phase. It is something that in the great scheme of things doesn't actually matter, as long as the child is eating!

Experience has shown that making anything to do with mealtimes into an issue then the child is more likely to stop eating altogether!

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Experience has shown that making anything to do with mealtimes into an issue then the child is more likely to stop eating altogether!

 

I do agree that mealtimes /table manners is a difficult one and that getting to a good place is best achieved by a 'softly softly' approach, but I thnk once those patterns are established etc then not expecting kids to live up to their potential is a step in the wrong direction.

The scenario you outline could be true of a reluctant eater who hasn't achieved the goal of eating with cutlery yet, but you can't apply it to a child who's quite happy to eat and has shown in the past that he can use cutlery. Experience has shown that anything a child can get away with a child will get away with - and that applies pretty much 100% of the time!

 

:D

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you know, i would ignore it, dont give it any attention and one day he will start using the cutlery again. Dont turn it into a big deal, because on the grand scale of things it is not. In my experience they will always do the opposite of what you want them to if they sense it is an issue for you.

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My son is 9 and still uses his fingers, we tell him to use his knife and fork a fair bit during each meal and say that if we went out for a meal it was totally compulsory so he needs to get used to it! Yesterday DH was watching him eating baked beans with his fingers despite promting to use his fork. He was given a special set of cutlery with easy to hold handles a couple of years ago by an OT but he refused to use them saying they were for babies.

 

Its funny though, he learnt to feed himself with a spoon and then a knife and fork very very early because he wanted to be independant and would never let me feed him but he lost those skills graduallly it seems!

 

We just keep telling him to pick up his knife and fork but he has even been known to almost stab himself in the eye with the knife while holding the knife and fork but still trying to use his fingers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :wallbash:

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It have occurred to my following this that my son(8) now, most of the time is using his cutlery correctly.

 

We had a bit of a problem, it really stems from, I think, his difficulty in manipulating knife and fork.

We had a thing which was half spoon half fork which helped him ( It was the same as his granddad use after having a stroke).

But he would often resort to using fingers, sometimes he would put the food on the spoon or fork with his fingers and even then manage to drop it before it got to his mouth.

 

All this and at the same time we had a constant battle, which goes on today, to get him to eat anything at all.

He is one of them that does not seem to notice he is hungry, this started from day one.

 

And he can be very selective in what he will eat.

 

So we have never made to big a thing of him using his fingers to eat with.

 

The latest thing which I am keeping an eye on is that he does not like anyone to touch his cutlery before he uses it, he has to get his own out of the draw. Hoping this does not develop into anything more.

 

Any way, I really think you have to go with what you think is right for your child.

 

What I would add is that we always sit down together at the table as a family at mealtime. The children have always joined us at the table as soon as they were old enough to sit in the high chair.

Edited by chris54

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Both my children (almost 10!, and 3 1/2) seems to want to eat with fingers, rather than cutlery. They both have issue re poor muscle tone/ youngest has hyper mobile joints. Eldest ok with spoon but not good with knife and fork. At youngests last appointment at CDC the Occupational therapist mentioned "caring cutlery" - they do a small childs version but she recommended the adults version as youngest would outgrow the childs set pretty fast. The handles are a special shape (hard plastic, not the soft foamy things my grandad used to use, also the knife and fork have indents on the handles for you to put your finger on to ensure you hold them correctly. I tried holding them and they do help a lot in making your wrist and hand "stiffer". I bought a set (knife, fork, spoon, small spoon) for about �12.50, and both kids have tried them. They do seem better, (esp. eldest son with knife and fork) so am considering investing in another set.

 

If you google caring cutlery you will find an online supplier for same price I paid.

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Hi Peaches

My DD 9 yrs cant stand using a knife and fork although she can use them. She has sensory issues with her mouth and fingers so although I ask her to use her knife and fork she rarely does. However, every now and then she will just use them and when she does we give her praise. She is also extremely messy with her food and most of it ends up on the table or on the floor!! I have been advised by CAMHs to discuss this with consultant when we go as she also gorges on food and steals it so if I get any answers I will PM you but it could be a while xx

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If it's any consolation - my daughter ate messily and used her fingers until well into her teens, and it was really difficult to get her to stop. (You can imagine the mess pesto and pasta make, and the marks left by greasy fingers..)

 

Now she really likes eating out and eating with others, and "normal" table manners have just evolved from that. In the end the motivation came from her, and the more she practised the better her cutlery skills became.

 

In my opinion, using a knife or fork shouldn't be turned into a moral issue, or become a battleground when a child is young. As long as the food gets into the child, what doeas it matter? There comes a time later on when the child needs to be made aware of normal mealtime behaviour, and how much more interesting life could be if he/she is occasionally able to eat with others in a civilised manner. I should add in a "western" manner - in many cultures, of course, it's perfectly civilised and acceptable to eat with one's fingers. :)

 

K x

Edited by Kathryn

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Hi,

 

My DS is 10 now and still rarely uses cutlery. We always provide it and sometimes he starts to use it, but much prefers his fingers. The only foods he will eat with a fork (luckily!) are spaghetti bolognese, roast potatoes in gravy and sausages. Sometimes I just have to not look, as mashed potatoes eaten with fingers can be pretty revolting to look at! :sick: I don't make a fuss, just a gentle reminder which sometimes works. Again I think its a sensory thing, he likes the feel of certain foods, and does it without thinking.

 

He does try and use cutlery if we are out, and I sort of made an agreement that if he made the effort outside the home then I wouldn't nag him so much at home. He knows it's the right thing to do really but as there are so many pressures on him outside the home I do indulge him on this issue. We can't often sit down round the table as a family either as his range of foods is limited and my DH doesn't get home till 7ish, so DS tends to get his dinner on his own. I know it doesn't help but that's the way it goes.

 

As Kathryn said, some civilisations, (and even ours, historically, what about Henry VIII?) eat with their fingers. I just figure that, as I know he can use them, and there isn't a physical problem, social pressures will eventually guide him in the right direction. He is doing so well at the moment and I know he works really hard to do the "right" thing where it matters (school, outside of home, visiting etc) that I let him relax as much as possible at home and chill out.

 

but I thnk once those patterns are established etc then not expecting kids to live up to their potential is a step in the wrong direction.

 

I don't think it is a case of not expecting him to live up to his potential. It's just that sometimes living up to other peoples expectations of him takes a lot of control and effort and goes against his real nature. He needs to be able to drop that "facade" and chill sometimes otherwise he gets too stressed. Some things are not automatic to DS, even if he is capable he has to consciously think what to do in certain situations. I don't think conforming to "normal people's" expectations will ever come naturally to him, however much he "learns" the rules. I obviously encourage him to reach his potential in things that will facilitate a better future for him, such as academically, but he has enough social pressures to contend with so I am happy to relax on the cutlery issue for now.

 

C x

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I consider that if the child has once used cutlery and has now stopped, it's not a matter of taking a backwards step it's just a case going through a phase. My son went through a phase of waking in the night and crying when he had previously slept through, my other son went through a phase of only eating sausages when he had previously eaten most things. He is currently going through a phase of refusing to wear his shoes when previously it hasn't been a problem.

These AREN'T backwards steps they are merely a growing child asserting his will and looking for boundaries. They should not be made an issue out of. Explain what you expect of him and why and let him make his own decisions if they are doing no-one any harm. like I said, peer pressure will soon change things , he'll probably get laughed at if he does it at school!

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We usually find that by the time we get to dinner time, we have already had several major battles with DS. I guess it's just a case of us not wanting to make a big deal out of it out of sheer exhaustion. I'm sure that sounds pretty selfish, but at the moment we are really struggling with his behaviour and we are having to pick our battles - otherwise he (and us) would be in a constant state of distress. Hopefully once other issues are resolved (:pray:) we can concentrate on things like using cutlery.

There's part of me that wishes that was all we had to deal with right now !! :(

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It's such a relief to see this thread!! I thought mine (aged 10) was the only one!!! He has foam handled cutlery for school from the OT but hates it. He will pick up a knife and fork at home when nagged but puts it down a minute later and goes back to his fingers. I've fought it for years and got nowhere.

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