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V1971

Couple couseling

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DH has been diagnosed as AS. I suspected this for a long time and it's a weight off my shouders. DH's reaction was 'hmm..interesting'. That's it, he hasn't said anything since. That was a week ago. :o

 

We are being offered relationship counseling at our local hospital. I am not sure if the phsycologist we'll be seeing is familiar with AS, I'll phone up to ask. Just so that you know, our marriage is not exactly a 'marriage'. We live like two individuals, lead separate lives in fact. I have my friends, he has his computer. I do everything for the family, make sure bills are paid, DYI, raise son, take decisions about everything, he just goes to work. As long as he can be at his computer, he is happy. We sleep in separate rooms (my choice). It's because am being resentful, I can't help it.

 

When he's home, he is always at his computer and hardly ever talks to me. When we do talk, it's like a monologue on my side. I have a 5 yr old autistic son who takes all my energy. I am willing to try couseling to see if I can get through to my husband, but I am not very hopeful. Anyone else tried it successfully?

If the consultant is not trained in dealing with AS, should I still go?

Edited by V1971

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You obviously have quite a few issues in your relationship. Is he even aware of the problems as problems??? Does he really understand how important things are to you?? Many AS people may struggle to read what the problem is or the severity of it so he may need it explaining in detail.

 

You should still go to the appointment even if the consultant is not a AS specialist. Any qualified psychologist should have at the very least a basic knowledge of ASD's and even if he cant help you he should know who to refer you on to who can help.

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I would contact Relate: they do have some counsellors experienced with AS.

 

Personally, having gone through counselling, I wouldn't see someone who wasn't experienced with AS as I think they could make things worse. From my/our experience you definitely need someone with a very empathetic (as well as an academic) understanding of AS for the person with AS to feel supported and understood, and any 'eccentricities' accomodated...otherwise they won't have the confidence and trust to talk openly.

 

Good luck.

 

Bid :)

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Thank you both for your comments. Yes, I told DH many times how I feel, he seems to understand when I talk to him, but nothing ever changes. I am fed up of asking for hugs or even for him to listen to me when I talk. I am emotionally deprivated and feel exhausted.

I will call the psycologist to see if how she help us, otherwise I'll look into Relate. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

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I think the important thing to bear in mind is that even with counselling, your DH will never be able to give you 'NT' emotional responses, because he isn't NT, and to hope for that will make you both miserable.

 

I'm not saying that he can't compromise and actively listen to you in order to make your relationship happier..but please don't expect him to somehow become NT.

 

The other thing I would say to bear in mind is that he may be AS, but he is still an intelligent adult...it can be very easy to patronise the AS person in a relationship once AS is being explored.

 

Good luck with it all >:D<<'>

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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My other half was diagnosed with AS a few years ago and it took him a while to get his head around the idea (and work through all the things in his head that had happened at school/university that now had a reason for being such a struggle!) :wacko:

 

We tried relate counselling a year or so after...sadly there wasn't one with a knowledge of AS anywhere near us, but I was desperate so we went anyway, but it was a struggle as the counsellor expected NT responses and my dp couldn't give them!

 

In this family dp earns the money and I do everything everything else (deal with 3 autistic boys and all the education/social services fights, keep the house, bills, cars going etc.) He even told a whole multi-agency meeting 2 weeks ago that him going to work and earning money was about his limit of parental responsibility! :crying:

 

He has learnt to try and comfort me when I am stressed (door slamming) or sad (sobbing) but if a hug doesn't fix everything, then chocolate will... :rolleyes:

 

 

Apologies that this is not a terribly positive reply, but I do wish you lots of luck with the psychologist.

 

 

Nikki.

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Hi

 

My husband and I went to couples counselling just as we were going through the process of him getting a diagnosis (we live in East London, where are you?). Non of the counsellors had any experience of AS. This made the counselling experience very difficult and stressful for us as a couple - their expectations were for him to be able to respond as a non-AS and they were a little confused by his difficulties and unable to offer the practical support that he/we needed. I was concerned that they would do more damage than good, partly because his failure to meet their NS expectations reinforced an already low self esteem that he held. After each session I felt the need to re-balance all that had been said and put it into an autism context. This was really challenging and did not help our relationship especially as I don't know enough about AS in the first place!

 

But... I gained a lot out of the experience as an individual - being able to have the time and space to express my emotions and have immediate and instinctive understanding was invaluable and gave me the strength to keep going!

 

Good luck deciding whether or not to go... and if you wish to talk, do come to the self help group in East London if you can. Details - www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk (next date is Jan 9th). Would be lovely to meet up one day...

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

 

PS. Have just read Barrie Thompson's book "Counselling for Asperger Couples" and my first impressions are that it seems really useful. Maybe take this along with you if you decide to go?

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bid ~ I know that he can't change and I don't expect him to. But we were becoming strangers and it could not go on. I know he is an intelligent adult, that's why I married him, and no I am not patronising him, I am only trying to save my marriage by getting him to accept what he is so we can move on. The last week has been great, he's finally accepted his diagnosis, he says he feels liberated and now understands why he struggled so much as a child and why he is always so anxious etc. He won't stop thanking me, he says he is very fortunate to have a wife like me and now appreciates everything I do for him and our family. That in itself means a lot to me.

We are reading books together and we will try the couseling and see what happens. Thanks everyone.

 

Delyth - I am in North London N12. I'll have a look at that website, thank you!

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