Jump to content
lisa35

lonely

Recommended Posts

hi, my son is 13, and just changed schools 4 weeks pre christmas break,

he had one boy from the new school for a couple of hours ;last week, but has no mates , and I mean none

he spends 24/ 7 with his dad and I , and seems to want to spend less and less time amongst people

although this could be "normal " for a 13 year old.

Thing is, its exhausting, his latest obsession is flight simulators, and he constantly wants to share what hes doing with us, obviuosly what a 13 year old wants to do and talk about is not same as us old fogies!

He says hes not lonely, but he must know that other kids his age hang out and do stuff, at this stage i dont see how he ll ever be apart from us and do things independantly from us

He does belong to scouts, but missed several meetings as he was overly stressed from starting the new school, he just seems to becoming less socaible as time goes on

at one stage he even used to go on scout camp, but then he didnt want to go as he didnt want to sleep away from home, so we arranged so he could go just in the day

But graduallly he s doing less , infact, apart from school, nothing away from us xx

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hi, my son is 13, and just changed schools 4 weeks pre christmas break,

he had one boy from the new school for a couple of hours ;last week, but has no mates , and I mean none

he spends 24/ 7 with his dad and I , and seems to want to spend less and less time amongst people

although this could be "normal " for a 13 year old.

Thing is, its exhausting, his latest obsession is flight simulators, and he constantly wants to share what hes doing with us, obviuosly what a 13 year old wants to do and talk about is not same as us old fogies!

He says hes not lonely, but he must know that other kids his age hang out and do stuff, at this stage i dont see how he ll ever be apart from us and do things independantly from us

He does belong to scouts, but missed several meetings as he was overly stressed from starting the new school, he just seems to becoming less socaible as time goes on

at one stage he even used to go on scout camp, but then he didnt want to go as he didnt want to sleep away from home, so we arranged so he could go just in the day

But graduallly he s doing less , infact, apart from school, nothing away from us xx

 

maybe your son doesnt notice what other kids get up to, sounds like he has had quite alot to cope with, its a massive change for them when they go to a different school, i had the same with my son a year ago when he changed from mainstream to special full time. sounds like he is quite happy with his new obsession so for him there is no problem. its just you worrying about what you think he should be doing.i would say that if he is happy there is no problem. do you have any help through social servs at all or are there any groups in your area, or perhaps the nas where you get a volunteer to spend time or go out with your son, maybe that would be worth looking into.

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
maybe your son doesnt notice what other kids get up to, sounds like he has had quite alot to cope with, its a massive change for them when they go to a different school, i had the same with my son a year ago when he changed from mainstream to special full time. sounds like he is quite happy with his new obsession so for him there is no problem. its just you worrying about what you think he should be doing.i would say that if he is happy there is no problem. do you have any help through social servs at all or are there any groups in your area, or perhaps the nas where you get a volunteer to spend time or go out with your son, maybe that would be worth looking into.

thanks, im not sure he would go with anyone! and true about what hes been through, was in mainsream, the new school is mainstream, which specialist provision, and hes back in all lessons, at other school he was totally isolated, couldnt even go out at break times, was much more sociable before all the school stress

maybe try and find a group to do with planes!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Lisa, >:D<<'>

As you know, we're in the same boat as you. Jay (15 now) has only one 'friend' at school and they aren't even in the same unit anymore since Jay moved up to the older unit. Now they've had to schedule in a few sessions per week into their timetable where they can socialize together and the rest of the time Jay is alone. During the sessions they play like 4 year-olds with Lego alongside each other and don't even talk to each other, but it's the closest Jay has ever come to having a friend. The hols are very isolating for him too, this friend lives 20 miles away so can't just pop over and he has no-one else he can go and see.

I agree with barb, though. I don't think Jay is in any way aware of what other kids do, he has no concept of them hanging out together or going to parties or anything like that, it just isn't within his experience so he hasn't a clue. He does get lonely, though, but at the same time it's easier for him to be alone in some ways.

Like you, though, I can't imagine where we'll all be in a year or two when he's left school and it's terrifying. He can only just about manage to stroll to the shop on his own, never mind get a job or a life outside of our home, so I do know how you feel. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He says hes not lonely, but he must know that other kids his age hang out and do stuff, at this stage i dont see how he ll ever be apart from us and do things independantly from us.

 

Don't worry too much for the time being. You son could be badly stressed out from changing school and prefers to be on his own. Seasonal affective disorder at this time of year could also be taking its toll on him.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

When my eldest was a teenager he knew that other kids his age hung out and did stuff together but he never for one moment wanted to join in with them. He only ever had one friend and that was enough for him, especially when he went through his teen years. It is often 'our' expectations of what our kids should be doing which we worry about when they are not following the crowd. It is seldom what a child with an ASD wants to be doing. My son wanted to talk about games for hours and it drove me mad so we set a time limit. That did not stop him from wanting to talk about his games but it allowed me to say that he had already spoken about them for the agreed amount of time and so I was not going to listen any more. Having said that old fogie or not I clued myself up on some of the things that my son was interested in so that I could participate in his conversations. Doing this actually helped him to develop the art of conversation as opposed to talking 'at' me. If we can not take an active interest in things that our kids like then there is not hope at all that those who do not live with autism will. This is a very difficult time of year for a lot of people who are autistic and the teen years are the most difficult of all. My son is now 21 and can be the life and soul of the party if or when he wants to be. Not bad for someone who was a recluse who lived in his room for the better part of five years and I really do mean that.

 

Cat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks all, maybe beinga bit selfish, the time out would be nic sometimes, guess ust feel it a alot cos al stuck together cos of christmas hols!

Im glad hes not hanging round street corners and up to mischief xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hi, my son is 13, and just changed schools 4 weeks pre christmas break,

he had one boy from the new school for a couple of hours ;last week, but has no mates , and I mean none

he spends 24/ 7 with his dad and I , and seems to want to spend less and less time amongst people

although this could be "normal " for a 13 year old.

Thing is, its exhausting, his latest obsession is flight simulators, and he constantly wants to share what hes doing with us, obviuosly what a 13 year old wants to do and talk about is not same as us old fogies!

He says hes not lonely, but he must know that other kids his age hang out and do stuff, at this stage i dont see how he ll ever be apart from us and do things independantly from us

He does belong to scouts, but missed several meetings as he was overly stressed from starting the new school, he just seems to becoming less socaible as time goes on

at one stage he even used to go on scout camp, but then he didnt want to go as he didnt want to sleep away from home, so we arranged so he could go just in the day

But graduallly he s doing less , infact, apart from school, nothing away from us xx

 

 

Hi Lisa,

 

The teens do funny things to the best of us and my son certainly became less sociable during this period. I once asked him if he was lonely and he said I am intellectually lonely (thanks son!) but not emotionally lonely. If he is genuinely content I woudn't worry too much. My son always used to tell me not to project my and societies needs to socialise onto him. I have to say that there are signs now (nearly 16) that on the right occasion and when he is in the right mood he can be quite sociable and charming. I suppose what I am saying is that if your son is happy then I don't think you need to worry too much. I once (in desperation) paid a maths teacher to argue with my son which brought him social contact that he enjoyed (the teacher left after two months because he was out argued!!), maybe you could hire someone who shares his interests.

 

Anna

Edited by Anna Van Der Post

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At 19, JP still hangs out mostly with us. As I type, he & mr p are out for yet another yomp, when mr p would really rather be snoozing by the fire. He does have youth group & taekwondo, but I doubt anything "unstructured" will ever happen. Its just not him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Lisa :thumbs: , my son is the same age and obsessed with flight simulators aswell, he also attends a resourse at high school.In sept he joined the local air cadets and that has given him a social boost :clap: .He does,nt have any close mates and has,nt seen anyone over the xmas break.Your boy will find his way I,m sure .Suggest air cadets to him, my boy loves the rules/uniform etc.No one is allowed to misbehave and all the other kids there seem really nice etc.They get so many oppurtunities etc, my boy has been in a lynx helicopter, been on raf camp and in jan is going to pilot a raf tutor .This is all stuff the cadets get to do , my boy now wants to be an aircraft engineer or a winch man lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hi, my son is 13, and just changed schools 4 weeks pre christmas break,

he had one boy from the new school for a couple of hours ;last week, but has no mates , and I mean none

he spends 24/ 7 with his dad and I , and seems to want to spend less and less time amongst people

although this could be "normal " for a 13 year old.

Thing is, its exhausting, his latest obsession is flight simulators, and he constantly wants to share what hes doing with us, obviuosly what a 13 year old wants to do and talk about is not same as us old fogies!

He says hes not lonely, but he must know that other kids his age hang out and do stuff, at this stage i dont see how he ll ever be apart from us and do things independantly from us

He does belong to scouts, but missed several meetings as he was overly stressed from starting the new school, he just seems to becoming less socaible as time goes on

at one stage he even used to go on scout camp, but then he didnt want to go as he didnt want to sleep away from home, so we arranged so he could go just in the day

But graduallly he s doing less , infact, apart from school, nothing away from us xx

 

This could have been me printing that ! My son is 13 too, and lives with us 24/7 and no outside interest either. We do try to get him to go places, he cannot meet school mates they live too far away, I take him to a youth club now that is for 8-12yr olds really none autistic, because there is no system for any autistic older than that in extance. Mine leans very heavily on me, he has also to be prompted to do anything, and I mean anything, he reacts like a robot at times, if he is running around and flapping his arms too much I can ask him to sit down, and mostly he does, then he will stay there till I say stand ! I am concerned as he is teenage I won't be able to continue to meet his need to be prompted 24/7 he won't go down the local shop or anything not even for sweets or something, cannot use a bus, will not talk to other people only me, will not try very hard to wash or dress, has to be constantly prompted to eat, etc... He is totally reliant on me filling every minute of his time from waking up to going to bed again at night, nothing seems spontaneous at all. It is obvious when he has is own 'free time' he has no ability to fill any of it.

 

I am considering in 18 months time he goes school residential, I am very reluctant to do this, but feel we should all see if he can manage without Mum and Dad to some degree, whilst he is at home there is no impetus to attempt it. We have to consider (As will you), what will happen if... also, how will he manage college and things like that (Which appear to be hopelessly impossible at present), and after 18 and work too, you have to plan NOW, I've tried setting up local alternatives but there isn't any, and he makes no attempt to play with peers at all. He has Dad and Mum who needs anyone else ? I think you like me, will have to make very hard decisions soon. I'd always hoped he would never be dependent on supervised help, increasingly it seems I will have no choice.... but I face the facts there is nothing here..... autistic adults get no support where I am at all... the distance between 13 and 18 isn't all that large... and after that the state provision and help will not want to know (Much like now really !).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

think maybe will have to toughen up, as I speak hes saying to me Im bored,,,what can I do! If i didnt tell him when to eat he would just eat biscuits, gss cos prompting all the time, even getting in the bath end up sitting there telling him what to wash!

hoping that the provision at school will work with social stuff, I know they re starting as speech and language therapy is in his staement, as is occupational therapy.

hard cos he got to 12 before diagnosis or statement, so we ve just tried our best, am going to ask OT about ways of making him more independant

he nearly threw a mental when I dare even suggest something like air cadets! thing is how will he knows unless tries,s if hated it we wouldnt make him continue

seems as getting older more and more relucatnt to socialise, ah well, least we know we re not alone

x

 

 

This could have been me printing that ! My son is 13 too, and lives with us 24/7 and no outside interest either. We do try to get him to go places, he cannot meet school mates they live too far away, I take him to a youth club now that is for 8-12yr olds really none autistic, because there is no system for any autistic older than that in extance. Mine leans very heavily on me, he has also to be prompted to do anything, and I mean anything, he reacts like a robot at times, if he is running around and flapping his arms too much I can ask him to sit down, and mostly he does, then he will stay there till I say stand ! I am concerned as he is teenage I won't be able to continue to meet his need to be prompted 24/7 he won't go down the local shop or anything not even for sweets or something, cannot use a bus, will not talk to other people only me, will not try very hard to wash or dress, has to be constantly prompted to eat, etc... He is totally reliant on me filling every minute of his time from waking up to going to bed again at night, nothing seems spontaneous at all. It is obvious when he has is own 'free time' he has no ability to fill any of it.

 

I am considering in 18 months time he goes school residential, I am very reluctant to do this, but feel we should all see if he can manage without Mum and Dad to some degree, whilst he is at home there is no impetus to attempt it. We have to consider (As will you), what will happen if... also, how will he manage college and things like that (Which appear to be hopelessly impossible at present), and after 18 and work too, you have to plan NOW, I've tried setting up local alternatives but there isn't any, and he makes no attempt to play with peers at all. He has Dad and Mum who needs anyone else ? I think you like me, will have to make very hard decisions soon. I'd always hoped he would never be dependent on supervised help, increasingly it seems I will have no choice.... but I face the facts there is nothing here..... autistic adults get no support where I am at all... the distance between 13 and 18 isn't all that large... and after that the state provision and help will not want to know (Much like now really !).

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mellow.one thing we did do was compile a list of things for him to do, so when he said what can I do we used to send him off to look at it, had stuff on like look up weird animals on internet, find out 20 different trees, make a lego garage

not sureif any help, also tried pictures/visual prompts for stuff like getting a bath, but he says he s not stupid, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

You can not 'make' someone feel independent. You can foster independence but not force it, in my opinion. My son was a total recluse living in his room for almost 5 years. He was out of school following a breakdown so I do mean he lived alone in his room for five years. Yes of course I worried I would be a liar if I said otherwise but I also knew from speaking to adults with autism that puberty can be the worst of time for them. I offered opportunities for my son to socialise and I made him do thing like leave the house to collect any magazines or books. But I gave him the space which I felt he needed at that time.

 

Two years ago when he was 19 he helped his elder brother to do a New Years Eve gig (he was at that time a DJ). He even got up and danced and had the interest of a couple of girls. He has since set up his own You Tube Channel and is also helping some games manufacturers with ideas for new games. While he was stuck in his room I made sure that we topped up on like skills which also aid independence. My son now cleans his room every week without fail including his windows. He changes his bed and his curtain. OK so most 21 year old men would probably not know where the bed linen is kept but my son does. The only thing he can not do is iron and that is only because his also has a visual impairment.

 

I think that the many of our teens use up their coping strategies simply getting through each day. Some people with autism also have an inability to multi-task so our kids can?t do school and also learn to socialise. Some can and do socialise my youngest being one of them. But I do tend to think that we can push these kids too hard with things that will happen eventually given time and heaps of encouragement. Autism is after all a developmental delay so taking that on board should they really be doing what other kids their age are doing?

 

Cat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks Cat, so true, to be honest, he now attends school, and manages there, so day to day for him must be so hard

He isnt like other 13 year olds, maybe I was just feeling ita abit more as I see his peer group changing, I love him just the way it is! I guess he may catch up, and maybe he wont, or it ll just be different x

hes doing fab anyway, just to survive school and all he copes with x

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

It is very hard coming to terms with the fact that our children are different. I felt it when my eldest should have been attending his school prom but he told me that it was 'me' who would have wanted him to be there. He could not think of anything worse to do! Being different is not always a bad thing. My youngest and I (he is now 11 almost 12) have long been promising ourselves that we are going to have T Shirts printed saying 'Not a Sheep and proud of it!' My two have qualities which society as a whole could do with. They are truthful, they have no hidden agendas, would never hurt anyone just for the sake of it (even if their sheer honesty can be hurtful sometimes) and generally have a depth to them that others simply can not comprehend and I often think that what people do not understand scares them. My sons are not shallow individuals who are motivated by the latest must have label. They are loving and loyal and have so much to offer - of only society could see that being different can be very cool indeed.

 

Cat

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that when our young people are happy in their own skins and content to be who they are then that is great. When it is most hurtful is when the knowledge that they are different and can't fit in hurts them terribly and leaves them feeling lonely and unhappy about who they are. My lad wants to have friends, even if he wouldn't know what to do with one if he had one, but he knows he's missing out on things that others have and he is miserable about it sometimes. Other times he can distract himself, but that lonliness is always there, underneath and I worry that he'll lead a life of isolation, forever on the outside and unable to connect with anyone and being fully aware of this fact. :tearful:

 

~ Mel ~

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I think that when our young people are happy in their own skins and content to be who they are then that is great. When it is most hurtful is when the knowledge that they are different and can't fit in hurts them terribly and leaves them feeling lonely and unhappy about who they are. My lad wants to have friends, even if he wouldn't know what to do with one if he had one, but he knows he's missing out on things that others have and he is miserable about it sometimes. Other times he can distract himself, but that lonliness is always there, underneath and I worry that he'll lead a life of isolation, forever on the outside and unable to connect with anyone and being fully aware of this fact. :tearful:

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

I'm none too sure my son misses the interaction, perhaps it is us who think that. I detect frustrations yes. My son doesn't seem to want 'friends' at all, nor wants to interact with half siblings, he gets grumpy (!) and goes into another room away from people. There is still (With us!), a desire or hope our child will be like every other, this seems a lack of facing up to some of the reality really. Of course there is always something we haven't yet tried, but at what point do you agree, that's it ? he or she doesn't want in to the mainstream of things ? He or she is NOT unhappy at being on their own ? the conundrum is that they use US to fill the gap, this suggests they perhaps DO want interactions, but do not feel or trust anyone else can do it, of course Mum and Dad are easier to train too :rolleyes: Mine is now showing signs of wanting to get out there more, but still he only feels really comfortable at home... he treats interaction as a neccessary evil ! He will go to places where other children are, keep his head down until time to come home, so interaction is still very limited, and I often wonder is this going anywhere ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He might not be lonely - in fact he might be quite content engaging in his hobbies. My situation at age 13 sounds very similar, I too loved transport and flying, and I pestered my family to take me to East Midlands Airport each weekend to see the usual low cost rubbish airline depart for Malaga or Jersey. At school, while I was bullied lots and was aware nobody was around, this did not take effect emotionally until around age 15-16. I was quite content doing my own thing and keeping to environments I felt safe in, most of which turned out to be places without many people. This was the same at home.

 

Your son may recognise this being alone on in life, say later teens. In the end my parents had to be stringent and pretty much 'erode' my obsession of model planes and airports because it was leading to me spending my entire christmas money on toy aeroplanes when knowingly the parents were not paying attention!

 

As you said above, you love him the way he is, which is very comfortable for all, and its probably very good he is doing something different and not going off the beaten track.

Edited by CEJesson

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...