Please help

[jimuk]

Hello there, I am the father of an Eighteen year old son who was diagnosed at three years old with Aspergers syndrome.

His mother and me parted company when he was just ten years old and he was devistated.

 

I stayed local so he could have as much of a normal family that was possible, and we would see each other just about every day, he would even get dropped off in the school bus most days to my home.

 

When he was 13yrs his mother could cope no more with his running away and bad temper and mood swings, by this time he was going to a special school which was supposed to cater for children with behaviour problems, anyway they couldent cope either as to him everyday at school was play day, his learning suffered badly, and i had to keep going to take him out of school because he was dissruptive to other children, but he loved going to school.

 

Anyway at thirteen he came to live with me, he was spending most of his time with me anyway by now, and i really never seen the very moody son up to this time, i did believe his mum and she was a good mother who loved him so so much.

 

Any way mum found a boyfriend and our son hated it, i explained to him that his mum really did have the right to do this, and the guy was a good man, (which he was), anyway my son hated the fact that this guy had come along and the time his mum had spent with him was now focused on her new boyfriend. I must say this, our sons mother used to take our son everywhere with her before this fella came along and this did all stop, and my son began to resent them both, in the end he would not go to his mothers at all, and believe me i did try to persuade him to visit her most days, as i did have other stuff to do myself, but alas i would do anything for him so i did give up most of his life time to being there for him.

 

Anyway i must say that i have molly coddled him for all his life because i love him so much, i know now that my loving him so much has done him only harm.

 

There came a time when i let him go out with others of his own age (before this time he wouldent go out at all), one of his school friends came round, i asked son if he would like to go out, and to my amazement and joy he said yes, i felt so relieved at this, anyway this wa when things started to go downhill for us, his new friends got him to steal cars and use him for anything they could, as soon as anyone was caught they pointed straight to my son who may i add was quich to do anything they told him, he looked on it as an adventure, and just basicly playtime.

 

The police would let him off, even when i asked them to maybe be stern it was a waste of time, in the end he knew that the police would do nothing.

 

At seventeen, he started experimenting with drugs, it turned out the people around him would get him to use his money to buy them drugs, he started taking Heroin, but he got frightened by an experience he had, i did take him to the docs and doctor gave him a long talk.

 

He started not going out again, and i was relieved with this as he was safe with me, he was getting DLA, which i now took over responsability for, i was not taking chances with him spending it on drugs, he was now happy, he had new pc, he was into music and i was also happy.

 

One day he went to the shop, met an old friend (female) and they started going out together, all was well until i heard he was moving in with her, she had her own flat, he was still 17 she was 21, i tried to talk him out of it nicely but to no avail.

 

they have been living at her place for a few months, my son is 18yrs now, his DLA is paid into her bank, he does not work and neither does she.

 

Right now to the main, she is pregnant, my son is so happy and looking forward to his new baby, but this girl now wants him out, this has happened few times now over as many weeks, she will then ask him to stay and he does love her so lets her manipulate what is happening.

 

She now has a friend staying, and has is kicking him out, i live in a 2 bedroom flat and my older son who does work and who does not have aspergers is living with me, i am at my witts end as what to do.

I have been in touch with his mother and said that she needs to offer him a roof for a while, and that i think she would be able to make him get a job to pay his way, but even though her fella and her live in a three bedroom house she claims to have no room and couldent i let him sleep on the settee.

 

Yes i would not see him on the streets,and i would have him on my settee, but i feel if i had, had more support from her over the years, our son would not be in this situation now.

 

I myself have had a stroke and 2 heart attacks, i have Diebeties and high blood pressure, all this worry is making me feel so ill.

 

The only time she wants anything to do with him is when her side of family has a party, she will take him just to put on an act of happy families.

 

Can i please ask, now he is eighteen and does have Aspergers would the police still need to contact me if he got into trouble, i am so worried about this, as i know he would not cope with the confussion of what was happening.

 

I am sorry to have gone on for so long

 

Thanks for listening

[Suze]

Hi Jim, <'> , firstly don,t blame yourself, you,ve been a consisant loving parent to your son.Although things seem bleak at the moment your son is still only 18 he has been through some difficult times and got through them.If I were you I think I,d let him sleep on my settee, you have your other son there as well and together both of you can support him.Has your son ever been employed?..........or attempted further education?.........he needs to focus on his future and give himself some goals to work towards.Best wishes suzex

[Elouise]

 

Almost dependant yet vulnerable, thats always hard.

You have not let him down, parenting a young adult is very differant to parenting a child andparenting a vulnerable young adult is differant yet again.

 

If you can face it, talk with your son and ask if you can contact adult social services on his behalf and ask for an assessment of your sons needs and ask who can help with housing him. Explain this is not to 'place him in care' but to help him to move towards having his own flat but to do so social services need to say he needs one.

 

Strictly speaking your son is legally a 'vulnerable adult' and depending on how the policies are implemented in your area he may be entitled to semi sheltered housing and some extra community provided support.

As a vulnerable adult he is entitled to 'representation' if like my son he gets picked up; again speak with social services to find out who would be considered most approbriate in your sons case. In my sons I send in his CPN as I have told him next time he ends up with the police I am making a hot cup of tea first. My son is logged with the police as a 'vulnerable adult' so yes they do call me if they have to pick him up and he asks them to let me know he is safe with the police!

 

He also has an ASD alert card on him.

 

SS adult teams should certainly be able to locate a supportive hostel as an interim rather than have your son on the streets or driving you to an early grave.

 

 

[warrenpenalver]

You havent failed your son FULLSTOP.

 

All the criminal exploits sounds to me like hes been taken advantage of. This may well be why the police havent been as harsh as you have wanted as above 10 he is criminaly responsible for his actions, yet at the same time he is a vulnerable person and from what youve described youd have to question if he really understands the consequences of his actions.

 

Now with the girlfriend issue erm, maybe im being a bit cynical but it sounds like at the moment things are a bit dodgy with her getting HIS DLA in her bank. That quite simply HAS to change. If hes unable to work he should be on a host of benefits. You wont let him be homeless and anybody can understand that. With regards to the child obviously he needs to carry out his responisibilitys and he may need help to do that. The financial side of it is out of his hands not earning any money as there is only so much they can take from someone on benefits.

 

I dont know how much you can convince him to come with you or if independant living can be found for him.

 

As with the police they wont tell you unless he asks for it or as a vulnerable person your his advocate (or whatever they call it thesedays) but im not sure how you would go about that.

 

Beyond that taking legal responsibility for his finaces, making choices on his behalf etc is more complicated but can be done i believe.

 

 

[daniels-mum]

I'm not really in a position to offer advice as all this is very new to me but I just felt I had to add that you have nothing to reproach yourself for, you have done an amazing job under what can be described, at best as very difficult circumstances. It is clear that you love your son dearly and you only have his best interests at heart. The only advice I could possibly give is to seek some advice from Citizens Advice, or similar independent organisation to see what help you could be entitled to as a family, they may also help you explore the possibility of any kind of housing schemes that may be available to your son in the long term or at least point you in the right direction. Also the NAS have a good local directory on their website although I would imagine it varies from area to area. I hope your older son is a support to you also, im sure that you will get some excellent advice on here, good luck x