Jump to content
The Magenpie

24 year old with no motivation

Recommended Posts

Hello, I have just found this site and it is very helpful.

I have the following situation; if it has been addressed in a previous post please can someone let me know where. If not, here goes.

 

I have a 24 year old stepson with mild aspergers. In the company of others you would just think he is a quiet 17 year old (he doesn't look his age). He was not diagnosed until he was 17 and since then has been through 3 colleges, having been asked to leave each one in turn, primarily as he doesn't respond to mainstream education. He is highly intelligent, has an interest in computing (web design and programming) and other interests but they are not as dominant as his interest in the PC.

 

Since he was asked to leave the last college, he has been at home. All he does is play an online war game, appear occasionally for food and then hide away in his room. He refuses to wash, has dreadful body odour but takes the view it is his problem not anyone else's. He flouts "house rules" when he can but isn't savvy enough to cover his tracks. I have learned that this flouting isn't malicious in any way, it tends to be that he doesn't see the logic in what his dad or myself see as the norm. Sometimes I think it's like having a stroppy teenager but without any aggression or malice.

 

I get on well with him, he is pleasant, courteous and does whatever I ask (except his hygiene). He is essentially no trouble as he is not interested in drink or substance abuse. He can be trusted to look after the house if we go away. He can show forms of affection. He is also naive in terms of how the real world works and is not interested in money - until he needs to buy fast food. His diet is poor as a result.

 

My problem is this; he has no idea what he wants to do in terms of a career or what he would do if anything happened to his dad and me. I spend time finding out what he likes and I have (with his agreement) organised some training on web design where he works on a project with clear guidelines and reports to his mentor on a weekly basis. Similarly he mentioned that he needs to get out into a house with people of his age so again I make enquiries (with his permission) to see if we can find something suitable. Furthermore I can get him onto another training course where the tutor is aware of his condition and would be happy to coach him after the course in the evenings.

 

Within a week he loses interest in carrying on any of the projects or initiatives. Despite the fact that I am paying for this training (as he has exhausted the resources of the local authorities over the years) he would rather play that internet game. I have put gentle pressure on him to continue then he gets a "second wind" and produces some very good work. He was referred to Remploy but has failed to follow any of their advice so they have given up on him.

 

His Dad finds it difficult to be patient with his son as he is not sure if the lethargy is aspergers or manipulative. I take the view he lacks peer group friendship. Last night he announced he was not going to apply for jobseekers allowance as he didn't need to work. When asked what he thought he was living on (in terms of finance) he replied that he costs very little to keep.

 

We are both concerned as to how he would survive if the worst happened to us. He needs to "get out more" with a peer group but how do we get him to actually do it ? When he was at college (living with students with a housekeeper) he did make friends so we know he is capable. It's the motivation which seems to have disappeared.

 

Any suggestions / advice would be very welcome.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry I can't give advice on this, as I am new to it myself, but I will be interested to read the replys you get, as my son too has no motivation and a few other things you have mentioned. I too wonder if this is AS or something else. Including the hygiene thing, and I have read a couple of other posts which comment on the lack of hygiene.

 

Sorry I can't help but I am sure some one will be able to. I don't feel so alone now I have joined this forum.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd send him an invoice for a third of the bills, draw up a rota for cleaning and shopping and ask him when he's going to repay your loan for his course fees. But I'm quite rubbish as a mum.

 

Difficult, but you and your partner need a united front. Perhaps encourage him into a voluntary position doing webdesign for a charity?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the forum :)

 

My son is an adult now and lives at home. He does work, so pays housekeeping. He washes his own clothes and cleans his room (both rather haphazardly :lol: ) and cooks lunchy snacks. I'm trying to get him interested in cooking main meals, but without too much success.

 

When he isn't working he stays in his room, sleeps or is online. He goes out with mates maybe once or twice a month. I do worry sometimes, but remind myself that this amount of socialising is probably enough for him.

 

You could write down clearly what you expect of your lad and give him a copy so that he can refer to it, rather than trying to keep it in his head, IYSWIM...

 

Good luck :)

 

Bid :)

 

ETA: Jaded, that all sounds like spot on parenting! :thumbs:

Edited by bid

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for replying. Since I found this forum I don't feel alone as well. To answer some of the suggestions:

 

I have arranged for him to design a web site for a church. I gave him all the info I had and within 2 weeks he lost interest. He makes excuses that he doesn't know what they want, despite me giving him all the info. He has the ability in bucket loads, it's the application. I now think it is due to him not having any outside friends.

 

We have a written set of "House Rules" which we display. Each rule applies to all of us. Despite this he still ignores the rules. As his step mom I try not to get into any confrontation, I use gentle persuasion, but having to remind him every week to change the bed linen (as one example of a house rule) gets a bit wearing when I have pressures from outside.

 

Thanks

 

MP

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another thought for something to bear in mind...

 

Increasingly professionals think that for someone on the spectrum you need to subtract a third of their chronological age to reach their emotional age (hence I'm only 21!! ;);) ).

 

This can help explain behaviours and reactions and why our kids can seem 'younger' and take longer to achieve some things, although I think we still need to push gently (and sometimes not so gently! :lol: ).

 

I don't think the lack of application is to do with not having outside friends. I have a dx of AS myself, and I know that I become almost paralysed by inaction when it comes to starting things. I have to break them down into very small sections (sometimes even just getting my books out, for example). I don't think beyond achieving that task, then when I have done that I go onto the next bit. I use this method for everything from my coursework to cleaning the loo! Once I start I can get absorbed in something and I go on for hours. It's just that I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the whole task.

 

Hope that helps...

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi MP,

 

I am the parent of an adult too but there are no easy answers I can give you to this - still figuring out where the instruction manual is myself.. :rolleyes: There's a limit to the amount of control you can exert over a 24 year old and it must be even harder as a stepparent.

 

I think Bid's observations are worth thinking about. Could depression be an additional factor in this? 17 is late to get a diagnosis at a time when one is on the edge of adulthood and trying to work out one's identity and future path in life anyway. You don't mention his earlier life, but a long history of negative evaluation at school may have contributed to feelings of failure and the reluctance to attempt anything because: if you don't start anything, you can't fail, at least. Unless his teachers were wonderfully sensitive, going through childhood with unrecognised AS must have led to a certain amount of misunderstanding and stress.

 

How to address it now? Difficult. It sounds as though you do a lot for him both in terms of organising his career and dealing with his domestic needs, and maybe it's time to withdraw a bit, starting with small things, eg keeping one house rule a week, and giving clear consequences, although it's difficult to say what kind of reward/sanction would be good for someone with few goals and no interest in money. It's not as though you can take the computer away from him. as you would for a younger child! But you have to start being a bit hard on him I think, otherwise he will be learning the hard way when he's older and alone in the world. As far as the career help goes, the motivation has to come from him and until it does, he probably will continue to drift in and out of things.

 

Sorry, I'm sounding as though I know it all, I certainly don't and I continue to struggle with some of these issues myself as a parent. It ain't easy is it!

 

K x

Edited by Kathryn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To Magenpie, I dont have any advice to offer as my eldest is only eleven so have all this to come, but I just had to say that you seem a very caring parent and obviously care very much for your stepson. I would like to think that if I were in his situation there was someone like you to be there for me, I hope things get better for you, Im sure you will get some very good advice on this forum x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for all your suggestions. And no, I didn't think you were being flippant, I understood exactly where you were coming from.

 

The OH (his Dad) is reading the forum and the suggestion about depression is quite feasible. Until his diagnosis the lad was treated by teachers as stupid. His mother who was a teacher herself would get very cross with her fellow professionals because she knew there was something wrong which wasn't simply behaviour or poor intellect. The lad lost his mom to cancer when he was 12 but did receive counselling. Again, how much of that loss is still there ?

 

Since I posted here an autism counsellor has suggested we get the GP to do a referral to the Primary Mental Health Team because they are concerned at what they see as a "narrow existence".

 

Please keep posting, every little helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i have MH probs (depression,anxiety) and AS i sometimes feel unmotiated and legatic it can be quite difficult to find the energy to keep everything going all at once sometimes can be struggle with all difficulties it presents we sometimes need a pointer in direction we shoud be going gently! i find MH teams are not very useful at understanding and getting the right advise for the individual involved i sometimes find the affects of being involved with them is worse than having it itself! hard to explain unless you go through yourself but read up about depression and AS or MH probs and AS there alot out there about such things go to local library and ask and go bak to doc and ask for meds (anti-depresants!),counselling,CBT! hope some of this gets better for you in some small way!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The lad lost his mom to cancer when he was 12 but did receive counselling. Again, how much of that loss is still there ?

 

This may well be a factor, even if he has been well supported since. My mum died of cancer when I was 15 and at the time I just got on with life and probably appeared to others to be coping really well. School provided structure and a distraction, I guess. It wasn't till young adulthood that I really felt the loss, and even now, many years on, I still have my moments.

 

Not everyone reacts the same way to loss, and there may be additional difficulties due to AS. It may not be contributing to his current behaviour at all, but it's worth bearing in mind. It cannot be assumed that because this happened years ago and he had counselling that he has fully processed it. The loss of a parent at such an age is a momentous thing.

 

K x

Edited by Kathryn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello, I have just found this site and it is very helpful.

I have the following situation; if it has been addressed in a previous post please can someone let me know where. If not, here goes.

 

I have a 24 year old stepson with mild aspergers. In the company of others you would just think he is a quiet 17 year old (he doesn't look his age). He was not diagnosed until he was 17 and since then has been through 3 colleges, having been asked to leave each one in turn, primarily as he doesn't respond to mainstream education. He is highly intelligent, has an interest in computing (web design and programming) and other interests but they are not as dominant as his interest in the PC.

 

Since he was asked to leave the last college, he has been at home. All he does is play an online war game, appear occasionally for food and then hide away in his room. He refuses to wash, has dreadful body odour but takes the view it is his problem not anyone else's. He flouts "house rules" when he can but isn't savvy enough to cover his tracks. I have learned that this flouting isn't malicious in any way, it tends to be that he doesn't see the logic in what his dad or myself see as the norm. Sometimes I think it's like having a stroppy teenager but without any aggression or malice.

 

I get on well with him, he is pleasant, courteous and does whatever I ask (except his hygiene). He is essentially no trouble as he is not interested in drink or substance abuse. He can be trusted to look after the house if we go away. He can show forms of affection. He is also naive in terms of how the real world works and is not interested in money - until he needs to buy fast food. His diet is poor as a result.

 

My problem is this; he has no idea what he wants to do in terms of a career or what he would do if anything happened to his dad and me. I spend time finding out what he likes and I have (with his agreement) organised some training on web design where he works on a project with clear guidelines and reports to his mentor on a weekly basis. Similarly he mentioned that he needs to get out into a house with people of his age so again I make enquiries (with his permission) to see if we can find something suitable. Furthermore I can get him onto another training course where the tutor is aware of his condition and would be happy to coach him after the course in the evenings.

 

Within a week he loses interest in carrying on any of the projects or initiatives. Despite the fact that I am paying for this training (as he has exhausted the resources of the local authorities over the years) he would rather play that internet game. I have put gentle pressure on him to continue then he gets a "second wind" and produces some very good work. He was referred to Remploy but has failed to follow any of their advice so they have given up on him.

 

His Dad finds it difficult to be patient with his son as he is not sure if the lethargy is aspergers or manipulative. I take the view he lacks peer group friendship. Last night he announced he was not going to apply for jobseekers allowance as he didn't need to work. When asked what he thought he was living on (in terms of finance) he replied that he costs very little to keep.

 

We are both concerned as to how he would survive if the worst happened to us. He needs to "get out more" with a peer group but how do we get him to actually do it ? When he was at college (living with students with a housekeeper) he did make friends so we know he is capable. It's the motivation which seems to have disappeared.

 

Any suggestions / advice would be very welcome.

 

 

 

I have just read your post and boy can I relate. My son is 20 and has the same problems with hygene, finances, videogames, and seclusion. I have no answers but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. He was diagnosed at 14.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

the MT team havnt helped me at all since being officially diangosed! trying going to GP and requesting CBT see where you go from there! i have probs with hygiene,daily care skills, and sometimes try and suclude!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
the MT team havnt helped me at all since being officially diangosed! trying going to GP and requesting CBT see where you go from there! i have probs with hygiene,daily care skills, and sometimes try and suclude!

 

My experience is that because my son was diagnosed at 14 and not earlier, the daily hygene that we would normally pick up with experience just did not happen. One of the clues I had but did not recognize was that he did not know how to spit or blow his nose. We learn that by watching others and he had the motions correct but the technique was just not there. He is doing pretty good now but it sure took awhile. I assumed he was learning from day to day contact and experiences with others like we learned but he was not. I think had I known earlier I could have gotten him on a routine schedule but now I am trying to teach him that even though his body condition does not bother him, it deos bother others. I am trying to make it a rule to change his shirt every day ( he does ) and clean slacks everyday ( he does not ). I also learned that it took him a long time to be comfortable with turning on the shower. I used to do it for him when he was little instead of teaching him so now it is not an easy thing for him today. I bought him a plastic scrubber that makes the soap foamy and he can scrub his neck with thinking it would help and two weeks ago I found out that he had no idea how to make it work for him so I had to explain.

We learn so much by watching others and for my son he did not learn so avoided things rather than admit he did not know how. Washing his hair was a battle for a long time as he did not know how the shampoo worked,I have to now learn what he doesn't know and try to figure out a subtle way to teach him without making him feel stupid.

I am hoping some of these experiences will help you try to work with your son and his daily hygene but it is an ongoing struggle for me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An update. Despite the mentoring on the one project the lad has drifted off again and is failing to do what is required. The mentor says he has the ability "in bucketloads" to do this so its not as if it is above his capacity. Fortunately the mentor isn't prepared to give up on him yet.

 

However the lad wanted a new mobile phone and as his old one was also an mp3 player I agreed to buy it from him (as my old one was a 5 year old nokia - bit like a brick). He is using his allowance to pay for the new one so I knew he wasn't getting himself into debt. Needless to say he got up early to get to the phone shop at the crack of dawn on the day this new phone was released.

 

Recently he has changed in that he started to show more affection especially to his Dad. Also last weekend we returned from a week away (we left him at home) and he got up at the same time as us and voluntarily helped with cleaning the cars and odd bits around the house. I admit I put it down to having bought his old phone as opposed to his willingness (his dad thinks he is manipulative) but I believe this opens a door to a suggestion on here that we should introduce household tasks one at a time - if he then stops helping I can then point out how he did a task before without prompting.

 

Thanks for all your support.

X

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

when i first got my diagnosis (at 23) i found it knocked my confidence in my ability to do anything. i was sudddenly unable to do basic household chores i had been able to do before, and fortunately my parents were understanding and helped me regain that confidence quite quickly. perhaps something similar has happened to him, but he hasn't recovered from it yet.

 

i think your idea of gradually building up his chores and responsibilities is a good one. AS people fall behind their NT peers in their late teens, in terms of their maturity and ability to function independently, and it might be that he is struggling to follow what he sees his peers doing in terms of responsibility and independence in the home as well as at work/school. this may well be making the situation worse because it compounds the feeling of inadequecy

 

also remember your expectations of what he should be doing at 24 will most likely not be met. my parents say that i am a 13 year old mixed in with bits of a 23 year old. while i am intelligent, and can do some things very well, other things i simply cannot do (yet) and they have to be responsible for them. i have to be told when to get up, go to bed and eat. i find the idea of getting a job very daunting, not because i dont want to make the effort but because i am afraid i wont be able to cope, and it will be too much for me to handle. talking about adult responsibilities and how even NT people find it all completely overwhelming might help to bring him back into the real world a bit, and make him feel more linked with other people his own age, so he can accept more responsibility

 

its amazing how much your mind can get in the way of things, even if you want to do them, and if he has been told he's stupid, he's going to believe that and it will block his mind from even attempting to do things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am the Father of the young man mentioned above, I have not been ignoring this thread but waiting and reading. He and I have been through many highs and lows, unfortunately, at the moment more lows than highs - the situation is improving though.

 

You name it I have about tried it all carrot, stick, cajoling, encouraging, pleading. I have even had counselling sessions with a renowned Aspergers specalist which left him angry and me feeling like a rotton parent!

 

His major issue appears to be lack of abstract thought - I once asked him to consider what would happen if I was knocked down by a bus! The answer was that it was highly unlikely as I very rarely travelled by bus and the stats of people being killed by busses was very low! His attitude is "I will meet that problem when it happens".

 

As far as motivation goes I have trouble deciding what is can't and what is won't.

 

I will continue at a later date.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I am the Father of the young man mentioned above, I have not been ignoring this thread but waiting and reading. He and I have been through many highs and lows, unfortunately, at the moment more lows than highs - the situation is improving though.

 

You name it I have about tried it all carrot, stick, cajoling, encouraging, pleading. I have even had counselling sessions with a renowned Aspergers specalist which left him angry and me feeling like a rotton parent!

 

His major issue appears to be lack of abstract thought - I once asked him to consider what would happen if I was knocked down by a bus! The answer was that it was highly unlikely as I very rarely travelled by bus and the stats of people being killed by busses was very low! His attitude is "I will meet that problem when it happens".

 

As far as motivation goes I have trouble deciding what is can't and what is won't.

 

I will continue at a later date.

 

I read your words and hear myself. I too have tried everything and am unsure of can't and won't. I really try to give him the benifit of the doubt but truthfully it is very hard. His lack of facial expression is frustrating as I can't tell when he is not telling the truth. I no longer ask him if he took something, I just demand to have it back. I launch into a lecture of right and wrong knowing full well that he is not taking in what I am trying to say. He has learned the expected responses so I am never sure but remain hopefull until the next time. and the cycle starts over.

One thing I did notice though, there have been times that he has taken a leap of growing up and maturing a little and it seems to happen overnight. When left on his own he seems to get along just fine and that is when he surprises me. It is almost like I do too much and when I am not there he has to figure it out on his own. Once he gets it, it is amazing but it sure is a long road.

I love to hear all your comments. I really feel like I am not alone now. Here in the US, AS is relatively unknown among all but the experts and they are not sharing much. I am Canadian so I do rely on Canadian and British literature, some of which is really helpful. Thanks to all

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
when i first got my diagnosis (at 23) i found it knocked my confidence in my ability to do anything. i was sudddenly unable to do basic household chores i had been able to do before, and fortunately my parents were understanding and helped me regain that confidence quite quickly. perhaps something similar has happened to him, but he hasn't recovered from it yet.

 

i think your idea of gradually building up his chores and responsibilities is a good one. AS people fall behind their NT peers in their late teens, in terms of their maturity and ability to function independently, and it might be that he is struggling to follow what he sees his peers doing in terms of responsibility and independence in the home as well as at work/school. this may well be making the situation worse because it compounds the feeling of inadequecy

 

also remember your expectations of what he should be doing at 24 will most likely not be met. my parents say that i am a 13 year old mixed in with bits of a 23 year old. while i am intelligent, and can do some things very well, other things i simply cannot do (yet) and they have to be responsible for them. i have to be told when to get up, go to bed and eat. i find the idea of getting a job very daunting, not because i dont want to make the effort but because i am afraid i wont be able to cope, and it will be too much for me to handle. talking about adult responsibilities and how even NT people find it all completely overwhelming might help to bring him back into the real world a bit, and make him feel more linked with other people his own age, so he can accept more responsibility

 

its amazing how much your mind can get in the way of things, even if you want to do them, and if he has been told he's stupid, he's going to believe that and it will block his mind from even attempting to do things.

 

I loved to read your comments. It is very helpful to hear what you are going through as an adult with AS. It helps me to perhaps understand what my son is going through and how I can be a better Mom. Thanks

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This site is so useful, especially the contributions from those who have AS. I wonder if someone can shed any light on this behaviour:

 

The Lad announced to his mentor on Friday that he hadn't done what was asked of him because he now felt web design wasn't his "bag". He never told me or his dad (bearing in mind he knows I have paid the mentor a lot of money for his help). I didn't get the email from the mentor until this morning. However on Saturday he did say to me he felt the mentor was trying to fit him into a specific design and layout which he thought was totally uninspiring etc etc. So I agreed to give the Lad time myself (as if I was the customer) to move this forward. The Lad admits you need to sit on him to get him to do something but as we are both out at work it takes it out of us to have to spend so much time in the evening explaining over and over again. I have said "well do what you think is the better design" but again we get a sudden burst of enthusiasm then it drops off.

 

Now I accept that he probably has an emotional age of 14 (based on a lot of good feedback from contributors to this site) so I am essentially dealing with a teenager. Every time I go in to see him (and I always ask before entering his room) he is on that Warcraft online game. I get on with him very well, he is starting to help a little round the house but I have noticed a marked increase in his emotional behaviour (hugging his dad a lot, sitting with him and holding his finger) which I would associate with a child below the age of 10 rather than a teenager.

 

His dad in a previous post said how an AS counsellor didn't help either of them, even saying the Lad would never be able to work - he can if well supervised. I am back to our concern for the future as to what he does if we are not here - none of the relatives would help as they perceive him as lazy, not AS. Due to his age we cannot get any further help from the authorities so it's down to us. Any suggestions or explanations would be very welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
This site is so useful, especially the contributions from those who have AS. I wonder if someone can shed any light on this behaviour:

 

The Lad announced to his mentor on Friday that he hadn't done what was asked of him because he now felt web design wasn't his "bag". He never told me or his dad (bearing in mind he knows I have paid the mentor a lot of money for his help). I didn't get the email from the mentor until this morning. However on Saturday he did say to me he felt the mentor was trying to fit him into a specific design and layout which he thought was totally uninspiring etc etc. So I agreed to give the Lad time myself (as if I was the customer) to move this forward. The Lad admits you need to sit on him to get him to do something but as we are both out at work it takes it out of us to have to spend so much time in the evening explaining over and over again. I have said "well do what you think is the better design" but again we get a sudden burst of enthusiasm then it drops off.

 

Now I accept that he probably has an emotional age of 14 (based on a lot of good feedback from contributors to this site) so I am essentially dealing with a teenager. Every time I go in to see him (and I always ask before entering his room) he is on that Warcraft online game. I get on with him very well, he is starting to help a little round the house but I have noticed a marked increase in his emotional behaviour (hugging his dad a lot, sitting with him and holding his finger) which I would associate with a child below the age of 10 rather than a teenager.

 

His dad in a previous post said how an AS counsellor didn't help either of them, even saying the Lad would never be able to work - he can if well supervised. I am back to our concern for the future as to what he does if we are not here - none of the relatives would help as they perceive him as lazy, not AS. Due to his age we cannot get any further help from the authorities so it's down to us. Any suggestions or explanations would be very welcome.

 

My son is into the world of WWE as I wont pay for online gaming or he would be up all night. I have found that you have to find his passion and then try and form something around it that may be used in the real world that will pay you a salary. If it is not his passion he has the "ability" to learn but not the insatiable need to devour everything there is to know. Right now he is learning how to use big printing machines and doing what is called Graphic Communications.It is a trade and he is being taught that this is a career but not a hobby. I have always been a fan of Lego and so he got a lot of it for birthdays and Christmas. He has patience I good never imagine. He can put together very complex projects with the instructions and even almost finish, he will take it apart and redo it if he has made a mistake. I am trying to use this in trying to find something for him to do in the future. If they needed someone to do stats on WWE he would be a wealthy man. I was once told a story about an AS that had the same desire for stats in baseball. His parents thought it would be wonderful if they let him join a team to play. He did horribly as he did not want to play baseball, he wanted to keep the stats. These have been my experiences so maybe they may give you some insight into what may be going on with your son's on and off with the web design. Let me know it this helps

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have discovered an author, Tony Attwood. he works and teaches in Austrailia. He has several books and they are all written for people like you and me, not professionals. It is easy and very informative reading. He is the closest thing I have found to an expert on AS and I highly recommend his books. They are paperback and not expensive. He has a website that is worth investigating.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
His dad in a previous post said how an AS counsellor didn't help either of them, even saying the Lad would never be able to work - he can if well supervised.

 

What an unhelpful thing to say!

 

My son left his residential special school when he was 18, then got himself a part-time job at a tiny local supermarket (I had nothing to do with it at all).

 

He worked part-time for about 18 months, and has just started there full-time. The reason it works for him, I think, is because the store is very small, maybe only 3 to 4 staff. The company also seem to be very accepting of difference, including his (currently) purple mohawk! :lol:

 

We are so proud of him :D

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had a further chat with the lad about this web design and discovered something which may strike a chord with posters here, so I would welcome advice please.

 

He was given an outline of what was expected together with photos and diagrams which should be incorporated. He now tells me he doesn't know what the client wants and needs to sit down with the client all the time. I try to explain that if a client knew what he wanted in great detail he would design the site himself. Also that the client outsources such tasks because they don't have time and resource to sit with someone. Three times in the past three days I have told the Lad this but still he comes back with the excuse he doesn't know what is required. His dad says this is an example of his abstract thought but I am not so sure having read this forum. Bearing in mind I now have to accept his emotional age is probably 14-16, should I stop trying to develop him and wait for him to mature in little steps (as some posters have explained in other threads?).

 

Unfortunately my OH and the Lad had a little disagreement the other day and it tends to follow the lines of this is another example of him getting help and not taking advantage of it. The Lad waited for me to come home and told me his past failures were being thrown in his face again. I have to mediate because I can see both sides (I tell the lad what has happened before is nothing to do with me and we have started afresh with this project), but I can understand his dad's frustrations.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have had a further chat with the lad about this web design and discovered something which may strike a chord with posters here, so I would welcome advice please.

 

He was given an outline of what was expected together with photos and diagrams which should be incorporated. He now tells me he doesn't know what the client wants and needs to sit down with the client all the time. I try to explain that if a client knew what he wanted in great detail he would design the site himself. Also that the client outsources such tasks because they don't have time and resource to sit with someone. Three times in the past three days I have told the Lad this but still he comes back with the excuse he doesn't know what is required. His dad says this is an example of his abstract thought but I am not so sure having read this forum. Bearing in mind I now have to accept his emotional age is probably 14-16, should I stop trying to develop him and wait for him to mature in little steps (as some posters have explained in other threads?).

 

Unfortunately my OH and the Lad had a little disagreement the other day and it tends to follow the lines of this is another example of him getting help and not taking advantage of it. The Lad waited for me to come home and told me his past failures were being thrown in his face again. I have to mediate because I can see both sides (I tell the lad what has happened before is nothing to do with me and we have started afresh with this project), but I can understand his dad's frustrations.

 

I think this really is an example of his inabilitly of abstract thought, or lack of imagination. I am only guessing because I don't know your experiences but I can share some of mine. My son enjoys the computer and can make it do magic because it is logical and mathmatical. He always did well in mathematics but not in classes like literature or history. Perhaps ypur son is very knowledgable about the computer and the web but when it comes to designing something he has nowhere to draw from. Some AS have wonderful imaginations and some do not. Each one is very different. My son and your son sound very similar so I think I can understand your frustration. Also the AS emotional maturity is slow but that is just the emotional. Somethings will get much better and some things will never change. I have come to the realization that my son has no imagination, never has and probably never will.

 

When I look back at his growing up and my favourite Lego sets, I see that he could put together very complex structures as long as he had the instructions and would spend hours taking them apart and putting them back together. When the instructions were gone or a page was missing then the Lego just stayed where it was, all over the place and I had to pick it up and get rid of it. He did not know how to make it do anything except what was in the instructions. He is taking classes in learning how to use large high capacity printing machines. He has to do very specific measuring and copying graphic designs onto the printer and he is very good at copying and will stick at it until he gets it right. This calls for his mathmatical and concrete skills and to the best of my knowledge he is doing well in classes and is enjoying them. He has only just started and is living on campus but he is enthusiastic about what he is doing and brings home some of his projects.

 

I think we try so hard to have them learn a marketable trade so that we will know they will be alright when we are no longer there to look after them that it is frustrating when things do not work. All I know is we keep trying because we love them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am 48 with Aspergers and finding it hard to motivate myself to do the smallest tasks, I live alone and things aren’t getting done.  I do have a support worker a couple of times a week but it isn’t enough.  It’s extremely frustrating for myself. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...