How Can I Help My Son

[Kinda]

Hi All

 

My son is 25 yrs old and has a good job after finishing university and while not diagnosed with AS (dysphasia) has AS traits especially with friendships, relationships and communication and prone to depression.

 

I think every so often he reflects on his life and then decides he would like to have more friends and get about more but doesn't seem to know how to go about it. If someone rings up he will go out but usually he's back in an hour or two and then the relationship goes back to being very sporadic.

 

He does lots of sport where he meets people but that doesn't seem to come to any lasting friendships.

 

Help and advice please, I have never mentioned my thoughts regarding AS as I'm not sure how he would cope with it.

 

Thanks

[baddad]

Hi Kinda -

 

not sure you can help him, really...

If he seems happy most of the time and he has friends who phone and he gets out and about through sport, it may just be that that level of friendship is (mostly) enough for him. One of the difficulties of parenting is that we quite often project our feelings/desires etc onto our kids, and it can be really hard to get your head around the fact that they may want something very different to us. The reasons why they want (actually - want is the wrong word - it may be more a case of 'need')something different to us may be totally incomprehensible to us, purely because we are 'different' personalities.

It sounds as though he might be trying to 'strike a happy medium' and is socialising to a degree that he feels happy/comfortable with and balancing that with a degree of self-isolation that fulfils other needs...

The bit in the middle - the 'down' periods where he wishes he was 'different' (he probably has 'downs' for both reasons, but the self-isolation is one he can 'fix' just by doing it, while the 'social' is more complicated and so - from your perspective - more noticable) are the peaks and troughs of self doubt/introspection we all suffer.

 

As long as he knows his friends are 'always welcome' and you are encouraging (quietly) and supportive when he does socialise i think you're doing all you can.

 

hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

[Kinda]

Hi baddad

 

 

Thanks for the support I understand where you are coming from but he has expressed a wish to have more friends but I don't think he realise how to go about maintaining (working at friendships). My wife and I try not to interfer and we are quite happy for him to be on his own its just that he tells us his life is ###### because of lack of friends.

 

So how do we tell him that he needs to maintain relationships even though you are not always seeing them face to face etc.

 

I think I now have a view ideas that have come to me while writing.

 

Thanks again for spending your time replying to me.

 

Kinda

 

 

 

Hi Kinda -

 

not sure you can help him, really...

If he seems happy most of the time and he has friends who phone and he gets out and about through sport, it may just be that that level of friendship is (mostly) enough for him. One of the difficulties of parenting is that we quite often project our feelings/desires etc onto our kids, and it can be really hard to get your head around the fact that they may want something very different to us. The reasons why they want (actually - want is the wrong word - it may be more a case of 'need')something different to us may be totally incomprehensible to us, purely because we are 'different' personalities.

It sounds as though he might be trying to 'strike a happy medium' and is socialising to a degree that he feels happy/comfortable with and balancing that with a degree of self-isolation that fulfils other needs...

The bit in the middle - the 'down' periods where he wishes he was 'different' (he probably has 'downs' for both reasons, but the self-isolation is one he can 'fix' just by doing it, while the 'social' is more complicated and so - from your perspective - more noticable) are the peaks and troughs of self doubt/introspection we all suffer.

 

As long as he knows his friends are 'always welcome' and you are encouraging (quietly) and supportive when he does socialise i think you're doing all you can.

 

hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

 

[smiley1590]

i understand what you son goes through personally i have depression and other MH probs aswell as self-dx dysgrapia i have AS! tc good luck he's not alone in this problems so many people out there like him just re-assure praise and encourage alot! to boost self-confidence/esteem as this is lowered when have such a hidden difficulties in your life! keep reminding him your with him all the way that you not going to left him as this adds to the doubt of letting down/diappointed!XKLX

[Teresa]

Hi kinda

 

I can understand your concerns, as a parent myself i have been through the same thing with my daughter, she has

 

always liked her own space and live's in her bedroom when she not at college, she has a good group of friends now, but

 

it has not always been the case, some of her friends have different needs themselves, but not all, they are just nice

 

caring young adult's that look out for one another. I have kept encouraging T to have friends over and i give them

 

space when they do, and she goes to their houses, and party's not that she likes them but will go for a few hours etc

 

they are off to a animne convention in the summer, they also keep intouch online which is most days. I also remind her

 

to phone her friend's or text, other wise this is something she just won't think about.

 

Take care Teresa x

[Kinda]

Hi Smiley 1590

 

Thanks for your support we do try and be there for him and we are mindful that he needs his independance and to make his own decisions. We are watching from the sidelines at present wondering how to help him on the next phase of his life. I do think he has an underlying respect for our decision making as he tends to discuss with us his major decisions and while he may not take them on board right away he does reflect on them later.

 

Hi Teresa

 

Thanks for the hope, when I wrote my first reply my "penny dropped" moment was that my son does not follow up relationships. Its almost a linear process, they contact him he then contacts them and waits for the next response, no reposnse and my son would never think of getting in touch. So my wife and I are going to try and see how he goes with a prompt or two from us.

 

Kinda.....thanks

[Imposter]

I will try and reply from something that may approach your son's position/POV.

 

I am 27. Still live with my mother. Got diagnosed as AS 13 months ago. Having previously had dx of Dyspraxia and mild dysgraphia at age 12.

 

The only people aside from family (and subsequently their partners and occassionally friends) I could say that I have known in a social (outside work or university) setting for a sustained period are the people surrounding the lower league football team I support. Typically AS, I got interested in football via statistics and numbers from the league tables, match results and the vidiprinter - and THEN actually decided to go and see a game!

 

The people I see game in game out, at the pub I go in, game in game (and have done for the past 5 or 6 years). That in itself may be unusual for an AS person, but then I have had time to get used to it - and we are so "cliquey" in a way that we have our own room within the pub, so it's a bit like going to somewhere's front room. Or the people I sit with (well stand with mostly) or the group of people I tend to travel to away games with/see at away games.

 

And that's it.

 

But I am only able to do that and sustain it because a) where and when we meet is regular and we obviously have a shared interest that can help conversations.

 

I've never really been able to extend it sustainably beyond this, not at school or university or in my adult life. I've rarely if ever done anything else with the people I see at football for example.

 

And the reasons. I am not great at small talk - take me away from talking about the match and into a situation where it's a night out - and it's some friends and their friends and not everyone's into football or don't want to talk about it - and I struggle. I don't know what to say often. I worry when I talk if I'm boring people. I worry when I don't talk if people think I'm being anti-social.

 

And I also worry when communicating and keeping up with friends, am I being pushy? or clingy? How often should I speak to them? If I don't get replies to emails or texts or calls, am I pestering them if I call them again?.... Were they just being polite when they were with me last, do they actually find me a bit of a bore/annoying/don't like me?

 

And it is annoying and frustrating.

 

Part of me accepts this and respects it - and would be happy to just have friends connected with my hobbies or interests. Although if that is the case I could do with getting 1 or 2 more of those maybe.

 

But part of me also just wants to have friends who are just "friends" not people you particularly do certain things with ie. not a mate you go to the match with, or a mate you play chess with - just a friend you do anything with - just talking or shopping, or "hanging around" with.

 

And one of the big things that is annoying about it, is that having such a narrow circle of acquaintances - and being so restricted in when, how we meet, what we talk about etc... it would I guess lessen my chances of finding or developing a romantic relationship. That is probably one of the hardest things about it.

 

I do try and keep positive about things anyway. I'm the sort of person who when told they will be going to hell when they die turns around and says "oh well. At least it'll be nice and warm"!

 

But still it is hard and lonely at times.

 

I don't know if this helps or describes your son. But it maybe it helps explain some of the situation?