Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
alexmum2

Bullying

Recommended Posts

The first day my son started secondray school he was very scared but to make his fear worse one of his tutors decided he was the one she would pick on and bully. In his home school book his TA mentioned that my son had a server nose bleed in class after he was told off by this teacher apperntly she was having a difficult time cntrolling the class; and i feel she used my son to vent her anger and bring her class in oder. My son was so stressed he had a nose bleed ( he handn't had a nose bleed in over 2 years up until this point!

Every time he had a lesson with her he was so scared of going to school because she would use any excuse to tell him off even for the slightest thing, she even told him off for twidling with his pencil! My son told me that no one else in his class gets told off the way he does even if they do something realy wrong which only confirmed my fears that she has it in for him. He sits on his own at the back of the class and is very quiet so for this evil person sees him as a the perfect target. It's got to the point where I don't want to send him to school when he has her for this lesson; so I have sent an email to the head of this subjet requesting that he be moved to some one elses class for this subject. what is realy sad is that it is his favourite subject. recently he had some respit from her because they took him out of this lesson to do social club but unfortunately it was a social club that consisted of just him and his TA! She said she couldn't take other kids out of there lessons so i said he doesn't need to learn to socialise with adults he gets enough of that with his father and me he needs to socialise with his peer group. As i felt this wasn't working they moved himback to the lesson with this bullying teacher. Today he had a lesson with her and she screamed and shouted at him because he didn't understan something (bareing in mind he had missed an awful to of class because of this waste of time social club) he had a lot to catch up on; I asked him why he couldn't ask his TA to help him he explained that she was helping someone else! Tomorrow I am going to the school to confront her as to why she feels the need to bully my son and to explain to her why I've put a request in for him to be moved to another group God I am so angry i could slap her!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gosh, you sound really angry. :wallbash: What has been happening is very unfair and the teacher has obviously got a problem. If I may, may I suggest that you need to be calm before you go to school. Make a list of points and examples so you don't get too emotional. Good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I bet you are and who could blame you! You might as well go to the school and speak to her ( calmly, lol) as you and your son have nothing to lose, good luck and hope things change, x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Other than your son, who is probably not entirely reliable as a source of unbiased info, have you any other evidence that this 'evil woman' is bullying your son, or what might have led her to decide 'he was the one she was going to pick on and bully' on his very first day at a new school? Or what (apart from his quiet, exemplary behaviour) leads her to feel that he is the 'perfect target'. It would also seem worthwhile to confirm that she never tells anyone else off in the way she does him, 'even if they've done something really wrong'.

 

I'll hold off from agreeing with frogslegs that this woman has 'obviously got a problem' which seems just a tad presumptious and judgemental to me at this stage based purely on what you've posted.

I would agree with everyone though that a calm, rational and unemotional approach is a good idea, even if you do feel 'so angry that you could slap her'.

 

Good luck with the meeting

 

L&P

 

BD :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that your son is being bullied by this teacher. She sounds as if she is losing it, to be quite frank. A good source of information about what goes on in the classroom is to ask other parents - they may have some idea if she is singling out your son or if she is like it to the whole class. Do you know any other parents of his classmates? This will give you a bigger picture so you can speak to her or the head with more information.

A chat face to face with the teacher should go down better than emails, it may be that she does not realise how upset your son is. Try to appeal to her better nature, and to smooth things over, she may, as you say, use your son as an easy target because he does not answer back, so she is taking out her frustration on not being able to control the class so well, on your son. Would the TA give any insight into what is going on in this class?

I dont know what subject this is but could you give him private lessons on this subject or buy some books on it - so that he can catch up?

Someone who screams and shouts like this does not sound very happy, so getting to the bottom of this is crucial.

Good luck.

Cx

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi.A very good friend of mine had lots of difficulties with secondary school when her son first started.Many were due to lack of understanding regarding AS.My friend has done a lot of work with the school and things are improving now.

My friend posted advice on another thread the other day [i hope she won't mind if you read it.She is av16 ]

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...mp;#entry257117

I do think it is worth attempting to be positive in your relationship with the school.I know it is difficult but I have found if I become cross then school just become more defensive.

Sometimes staff have not been told about a child's needs and make an honest mistake.Karen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi again.I thought it worth saying.At secondary school it may have more effect if you communicate with the SENCO or year head.If one subject teacher is not very aware of AS there may be others.If you don't take a whole school approach you may spend vast amounts of time with individual teacher's and never address the issue.The SENCO at secondary is usually employed purely to coordinate support and train staff.Karen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you meet this teacher, try to let her speak first. If you wade in saying that she is bullying your son, she is going to get defensive and may not say some things that could turn out to be useful. So ask her how your son is doing in her class and if she has any difficulties with him. If, for example, she brings up the fact that he is always fiddling with things etc, then that is something you can talk about, as from my experience having 'something to fiddle with' is usually a support strategy for children on the spectrum, and therefore is not something he should be told off about. My son is usually given something like theraputty to handle.

Then explain to her what your son is saying is happening in class. And that might not be how it is actually happening. But I think it is important to consider that that might be "how he perceives it is happening" even if everyone says otherwise. For example if a teacher tells off the whole class my son can interpret this as the 'teacher is angry with me'. Or she may well be reprimanding him, but your son cannot tell from her words or tone of voice how serious the reprimand is. That is something the school and teacher may need to recognise and work on if that is the case.

Is your son able to repeat to you what she has said to him?

It is a pity about the social club. Is there no way that they can involve other children in this. Is he the only child in the school with a diagnosis?

Although you say it is pointless just working with his TA, that might not be the case. It depends what they are doing in the social club. If they are teaching conversation skills, for example, then he can learn that with any age group. But what would be important is that any target or skill they are teaching in this group has to be generalised out into other environments and therefore he has to be observed and seen to be using these skills. First he may need to be prompted, then he needs to be demonstrating them independently.

Try to stay unemotional and objective when you meet. Hopefully it will go positively. But whatever the outcome make sure you send a letter into school afterwards eg. "further to our meeting of xxx we discussed the difficulties my son was having of x, y and z and it was agreed that school would a, b, and c, and that I would d and e. If you feel that difficulties have been raised that outside professionals need to look at as school do not appear to understand them, then ask the school to do that and include that in the letter.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Other than your son, who is probably not entirely reliable as a source of unbiased info, have you any other evidence that this 'evil woman' is bullying your son, or what might have led her to decide 'he was the one she was going to pick on and bully' on his very first day at a new school? Or what (apart from his quiet, exemplary behaviour) leads her to feel that he is the 'perfect target'. It would also seem worthwhile to confirm that she never tells anyone else off in the way she does him, 'even if they've done something really wrong'.

 

I'll hold off from agreeing with frogslegs that this woman has 'obviously got a problem' which seems just a tad presumptious and judgemental to me at this stage based purely on what you've posted.

I would agree with everyone though that a calm, rational and unemotional approach is a good idea, even if you do feel 'so angry that you could slap her'.

 

Good luck with the meeting

 

L&P

 

BD :D

Baddad, stop picking on me!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Other than your son, who is probably not entirely reliable as a source of unbiased info, have you any other evidence that this 'evil woman' is bullying your son, or what might have led her to decide 'he was the one she was going to pick on and bully' on his very first day at a new school? Or what (apart from his quiet, exemplary behaviour) leads her to feel that he is the 'perfect target'. It would also seem worthwhile to confirm that she never tells anyone else off in the way she does him, 'even if they've done something really wrong'.

 

I'll hold off from agreeing with frogslegs that this woman has 'obviously got a problem' which seems just a tad presumptious and judgemental to me at this stage based purely on what you've posted.

I would agree with everyone though that a calm, rational and unemotional approach is a good idea, even if you do feel 'so angry that you could slap her'.

 

Good luck with the meeting

 

L&P

 

BD :D

In response to your comment about my son not being a reliable source of info' he doesn't lie, that's not to say he is perfect in every way to quote your other remark( his exemplary behaviour) which i might add sounds a tad condescending. We know our kids better than anyone we know how they work and I know it's not something he would make up! When you have a teacher that lacks in confidence they tend to target the less able less confident kids. Also at one point my son was haveing a shared lesson with this teacher and another teacher I spoke to the other member of staff and explained that my son wasn't happy with this particular teacher and even she said that this teachers methods of teaching were not hers and arranged for my son to change his lesson and have both lessons with her.. So even other staff members are awear of this teachers attitude. My son's Ta has also said that she is or can be over strict. It's one thing being bullied by other kids it's quiet another to be bullied by an adult. Also I have come across this kind of thing before, another his last TA behaved like this towards him and I made mu own investigation I asked the other kids in my son's class and they confirmed exactly what he was saying(he wasn't around when I asked them) just incase your thinking well they would say that wouldn't they.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry to hear that your son is being bullied by this teacher. She sounds as if she is losing it, to be quite frank. A good source of information about what goes on in the classroom is to ask other parents - they may have some idea if she is singling out your son or if she is like it to the whole class. Do you know any other parents of his classmates? This will give you a bigger picture so you can speak to her or the head with more information.

A chat face to face with the teacher should go down better than emails, it may be that she does not realise how upset your son is. Try to appeal to her better nature, and to smooth things over, she may, as you say, use your son as an easy target because he does not answer back, so she is taking out her frustration on not being able to control the class so well, on your son. Would the TA give any insight into what is going on in this class?

I dont know what subject this is but could you give him private lessons on this subject or buy some books on it - so that he can catch up?

Someone who screams and shouts like this does not sound very happy, so getting to the bottom of this is crucial.

Good luck.

Cx

No I don't know any other mums to ask about this teacher as we have only just moved into the area and all my son's school friends from his previous school are not at this school, the only one i can ask is a freind of mine who's daughter is in sixth form. But yes that is what I would have done had it been possible. The TA has said to my son when he has complained to her about this teacher that she feels she can be a bit strict. I have asked for this teacher to contact me when she has tha time to explain to her that i have requested that my son be moved to a differnt class for this lesson and I am going to explaine why. I have contacted the head of studies for this subject' requesting a move as yet I've not heard anything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
When you meet this teacher, try to let her speak first. If you wade in saying that she is bullying your son, she is going to get defensive and may not say some things that could turn out to be useful. So ask her how your son is doing in her class and if she has any difficulties with him. If, for example, she brings up the fact that he is always fiddling with things etc, then that is something you can talk about, as from my experience having 'something to fiddle with' is usually a support strategy for children on the spectrum, and therefore is not something he should be told off about. My son is usually given something like theraputty to handle.

Then explain to her what your son is saying is happening in class. And that might not be how it is actually happening. But I think it is important to consider that that might be "how he perceives it is happening" even if everyone says otherwise. For example if a teacher tells off the whole class my son can interpret this as the 'teacher is angry with me'. Or she may well be reprimanding him, but your son cannot tell from her words or tone of voice how serious the reprimand is. That is something the school and teacher may need to recognise and work on if that is the case.

Is your son able to repeat to you what she has said to him?

It is a pity about the social club. Is there no way that they can involve other children in this. Is he the only child in the school with a diagnosis?

Although you say it is pointless just working with his TA, that might not be the case. It depends what they are doing in the social club. If they are teaching conversation skills, for example, then he can learn that with any age group. But what would be important is that any target or skill they are teaching in this group has to be generalised out into other environments and therefore he has to be observed and seen to be using these skills. First he may need to be prompted, then he needs to be demonstrating them independently.

Try to stay unemotional and objective when you meet. Hopefully it will go positively. But whatever the outcome make sure you send a letter into school afterwards eg. "further to our meeting of xxx we discussed the difficulties my son was having of x, y and z and it was agreed that school would a, b, and c, and that I would d and e. If you feel that difficulties have been raised that outside professionals need to look at as school do not appear to understand them, then ask the school to do that and include that in the letter.

As always Sally44 you relpy is full of common sense; yes I will write a letter to school when i've spoken to the head of studies and to the teacher involved, but at this moment I feel so strongly about this situation I am prepared to take my son out of school and pay for private tuition of this subject if nothing is done. At the moment because of yesturday my son is off school he says he feels drizzy headachey tired and just a moment ago he had a panic attack, so I've taken the day off work and made another appointment at the doctors.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom they are much appreiciated.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Baddad, stop picking on me!

 

 

I'm not picking on you... I was just making the point that it is presumptious to assume that the teacher has an obvious problem based on what's been said in the post. It isn't 'obvious' to me at all - I would have said exactly the same thing whoever posted it. So not 'picking', and not 'you'.

Looking at the thread now, I would also disagree with connieruffs statements; 'I am sorry your son IS being bullied by this teacher, 'it sounds like she's losing it, to be frank', and 'someone who screams and shouts like this', but that doesn't mean I'm 'picking' on connie ruff or targeting her personally - I just think that she's making some huge assumptions about what is happening rather than offering advice/support on what might be happening, when the only 'evidence' is coming from a 12 (?) year old boy who's take on events may very well be skewed.

It may well be that the teacher waited at the gates on the first day of school watching to see which child she would select as her personal whipping boy. It may well be that she is an 'evil woman'. It may well be that she sees him as a 'perfect target' because he is the only boy in the class who behaves, and that she 'vents her anger on him' as the OP believes. It may well be that the boys nosebleed was stress induced rather than, is much more common, caused by atmospheric pressure in a very warm and enclosed environment exactly like you might find in a school classroom in early September.

 

All of those things could be true, and certainly the boys interpretation of events should be fully considered and investigated. But isn't it also possible (some might say 'probable') that, as Sally 44 has pointed out, this might be more about what the boy perceives is happening than what is happening? And until that is established, don't you think words like 'evil', 'bully', 'obvious', 'unfair' are hugely assumptive and, erm... unfair?

 

As for asking other parents etc: the problem with that is that you will always find some who love to do a bit of stirring and enjoy a bit of 'juicy goss'... Jeremy Kyle thrives on that aspect of human nature. And the problem with human nature is that if the OP finds two other parents who agree with her son's 'take' and 28 more who don't she'll take the evidence of 2 over 28 because they are confirming exactly what she wants to believe. As are you.

 

Believe me, i'm not 'picking', and i'm not being unsupportive - I'm just considering the angles rather than making judgements and demonising people.

And again, i will offer my advice: that a calm, rational and unemotional approach is a good idea, even if the OP does feel 'so angry she could slap her'.

 

Please understand i do not 'pick' on anyone - I just have different views. As soon as you talk about 'picking' you establish two very distinct roles in people's heads - aggressor and victim. You may be entirely comfortable with the latter role, but I'm certainly not being aggressive by saying that i disagree with you.

 

Hope that clears things up

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

PS: Just seen the OP's latest post. I wasn't suggesting that your son 'lies', but 'everything we see is only a perspective'... your son may not be seeing things as they really are. i do not see a TA saying 'she can be a bit strict' (especially if you put her/him 'on the spot' and they were trying to be concilatory), or another teacher saying 'Her teaching methods aren't the same as mine' as evidence of the things you are accusing this woman of.

 

Sorry - and this is no comment on you personally, because i don't know anything about you/your son - but i do not agree with the idea that 'we know our kids better than anyone'... on this forum we regularly see posts about spiteful, hateful, bullying children whose parents believe them incapable of doing any wrong. We, as parents of autistic children, are no less likely to 'see what we want to see' in our own kids.

As I say, that's not a 'challenge' or comment on your personally or your son - I couldn't possibly know - it is just an observation on a general 'truth' that you can see evidenced throughout the topics on these boards.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited by baddad

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hope you get to the bottom of things, Alex :)

 

I would just echo those who have said it would be best to be as calm as possible, especially Sally's suggestions of how to approach the conversation.

 

Just one thought...teachers have on-going supervisions of their lessons by senior management, so it would be surprising if she really is as bad as you fear.

 

Hope things go well.

 

Bid :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not picking on you... I was just making the point that it is presumptious to assume that the teacher has an obvious problem based on what's been said in the post. It isn't 'obvious' to me at all - I would have said exactly the same thing whoever posted it. So not 'picking', and not 'you'.

Looking at the thread now, I would also disagree with connieruffs statements; 'I am sorry your son IS being bullied by this teacher, 'it sounds like she's losing it, to be frank', and 'someone who screams and shouts like this', but that doesn't mean I'm 'picking' on connie ruff or targeting her personally - I just think that she's making some huge assumptions about what is happening rather than offering advice/support on what might be happening, when the only 'evidence' is coming from a 12 (?) year old boy who's take on events may very well be skewed.

It may well be that the teacher waited at the gates on the first day of school watching to see which child she would select as her personal whipping boy. It may well be that she is an 'evil woman'. It may well be that she sees him as a 'perfect target' because he is the only boy in the class who behaves, and that she 'vents her anger on him' as the OP believes. It may well be that the boys nosebleed was stress induced rather than, is much more common, caused by atmospheric pressure in a very warm and enclosed environment exactly like you might find in a school classroom in early September.

 

All of those things could be true, and certainly the boys interpretation of events should be fully considered and investigated. But isn't it also possible (some might say 'probable') that, as Sally 44 has pointed out, this might be more about what the boy perceives is happening than what is happening? And until that is established, don't you think words like 'evil', 'bully', 'obvious', 'unfair' are hugely assumptive and, erm... unfair?

 

As for asking other parents etc: the problem with that is that you will always find some who love to do a bit of stirring and enjoy a bit of 'juicy goss'... Jeremy Kyle thrives on that aspect of human nature. And the problem with human nature is that if the OP finds two other parents who agree with her son's 'take' and 28 more who don't she'll take the evidence of 2 over 28 because they are confirming exactly what she wants to believe. As are you.

 

Believe me, i'm not 'picking', and i'm not being unsupportive - I'm just considering the angles rather than making judgements and demonising people.

And again, i will offer my advice: that a calm, rational and unemotional approach is a good idea, even if the OP does feel 'so angry she could slap her'.

 

Please understand i do not 'pick' on anyone - I just have different views. As soon as you talk about 'picking' you establish two very distinct roles in people's heads - aggressor and victim. You may be entirely comfortable with the latter role, but I'm certainly not being aggressive by saying that i disagree with you.

 

Hope that clears things up

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

PS: Just seen the OP's latest post. I wasn't suggesting that your son 'lies', but 'everything we see is only a perspective'... your son may not be seeing things as they really are. i do not see a TA saying 'she can be a bit strict' (especially if you put her/him 'on the spot' and they were trying to be concilatory), or another teacher saying 'Her teaching methods aren't the same as mine' as evidence of the things you are accusing this woman of.

 

Sorry - and this is no comment on you personally, because i don't know anything about you/your son - but i do not agree with the idea that 'we know our kids better than anyone'... on this forum we regularly see posts about spiteful, hateful, bullying children whose parents believe them incapable of doing any wrong. We, as parents of autistic children, are no less likely to 'see what we want to see' in our own kids.

As I say, that's not a 'challenge' or comment on your personally or your son - I couldn't possibly know - it is just an observation on a general 'truth' that you can see evidenced throughout the topics on these boards.

 

L&P

 

BD

While i don't wish to get into a debate about this I feel I need to point out that you are entitled to your opinon but I do feel i know my son better than anyone you may or may not feel that about your children well that's up to you. As for the teacher who responed with the fact that her teaching methods are different well she is hardly likely to pull down another member of staff at a parents evening to ourselves, she was more tackful than that; but she felt strongly enough to move our son without me even requesting it. As for the TA she too would be highly unlikely to bad mouth a teacher to my son.

I am not a parent that sees what they want to see or agree with what i want to hear, like i said before my son does have his faults and i'm happy to put my hand up and say this to anyone ,he also drives me insane sometimes however for all his mis givings he has never hurt or bullied anyone' also to have such a bad reaction to her outburst then that tells me one thing it must have been pretty horendous added to the fact the home school book disappeared shortly after the TA made the comment about the teacher having the outburst!

I've just got back from the GP with my son who is off school today because he is feeling sick drowsey and is very pale and a short time ago I nearly called the ambulance as he was bent double in agony luckily the pain subsided after the worst 10 mins I have experienced in a long time, the GP stated he was haveing stomach spasms due to stress.

I put this topic forward to find out if anyone else has been through this kind of thing with a teacher and what was the out come.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
As always Sally44 you relpy is full of common sense; yes I will write a letter to school when i've spoken to the head of studies and to the teacher involved, but at this moment I feel so strongly about this situation I am prepared to take my son out of school and pay for private tuition of this subject if nothing is done. At the moment because of yesturday my son is off school he says he feels drizzy headachey tired and just a moment ago he had a panic attack, so I've taken the day off work and made another appointment at the doctors.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom they are much appreiciated.

 

I would also put this in your letter to school, and a meeting with the head and the SENCO might be useful as Karen A suggests. This should give you an overall feeling for the schools approach and whether staff have had any training. My son was also having alot of headaches, stomache aches and sickness and even vomiting and I was being asked to come and get him from school. But they always seemed to think it was 'physical' and not a physical symptom of psychological anxiety or stress. Talk to your doctor about it and see what he suggests. If your son had a true panic attack (as in the clinical definition), then that is something your doctor should make a referal for. But I don't have experience of that or who he would refer to, maybe CAHMS(?). I don't know if your GP would be willing or able to give you a letter saying that these are symptoms of stress and anxiety as part of his diagnosis and that supports in school should be examined to ensure that he is being properly supported. (doubt you'll get something like that), but it is worth asking. I did get a letter in a similar vein from the paediatrician that originally diagnosed my son after I went back to talk through difficulties I was having with school and outside agencies. You could also ask the GP for a referal back to the paediatrician who diagnosed your son. Or is there any professional with experience of ASDs who knows your son and who you could write to and explain how your son is feeling about school and ask them for advice to both you and school. Sometimes it can be difficult to get the professionals in if the school doesn't think there is a problem. But if you put in your letter to school how your son is showing anxiety and stress and ask for the autism outreach teacher or Educational Psychologist (for example) to be asked for advice. Then I think that would be quite reasonable, and if they do nothing that is also evidence you will have in the future if needed. But I would wait until you've been into school and seen the GP before you put together a letter. But make some notes about what you want to raise with school and your GP.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gosh, you sound really angry. :wallbash: What has been happening is very unfair and the teacher has obviously got a problem. If I may, may I suggest that you need to be calm before you go to school. Make a list of points and examples so you don't get too emotional. Good luck

Just like to say that I know this women must have some problems for you aren't the first person to have said this to me, Baddad can say what he likes but I don't agree that I hear what i want to hear or agree with only those who back me; there may well be people on this forum like that I'm not one however. Yes I must admit I was very cross when my son came home from school as this has been ongoing and I've come to the end of the line. Still waiting for her to call me. Thanks for your support.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But whatever the outcome. If this teacher is not bullying your son and he is only perceiving it as such. That doesn't mean there is no problem. He still 'feels' bullied because of difficulties he may have in understanding whole class rebukes, or language or tone of voice or teachers sarcasm etc. These still need to be identified and worked on with your child. And school does have a 'duty of care' (useful phrase to use), to establish what your sons needs are as he is 'vulnerable' (another good word to use), and for outside professionals to give advice and recommendations to school about how to meet those needs. It might be that whole class instructions are just too much for him to process and he gets lost and distracted and gets anxious because he doesn't know what to do. He may need smaller group work with the TA always checking that he knows exactly what he should be doing before he completes it independently. He may need it explaining to him about how the teacher addresses the whole class. He maybe taking words she says literally eg. 'you are not going home until you have all completed this work', and thinking she is going to stop him going home. There could be many causes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I would also put this in your letter to school, and a meeting with the head and the SENCO might be useful as Karen A suggests. This should give you an overall feeling for the schools approach and whether staff have had any training. My son was also having alot of headaches, stomache aches and sickness and even vomiting and I was being asked to come and get him from school. But they always seemed to think it was 'physical' and not a physical symptom of psychological anxiety or stress. Talk to your doctor about it and see what he suggests. If your son had a true panic attack (as in the clinical definition), then that is something your doctor should make a referal for. But I don't have experience of that or who he would refer to, maybe CAHMS(?). I don't know if your GP would be willing or able to give you a letter saying that these are symptoms of stress and anxiety as part of his diagnosis and that supports in school should be examined to ensure that he is being properly supported. (doubt you'll get something like that), but it is worth asking. I did get a letter in a similar vein from the paediatrician that originally diagnosed my son after I went back to talk through difficulties I was having with school and outside agencies. You could also ask the GP for a referal back to the paediatrician who diagnosed your son. Or is there any professional with experience of ASDs who knows your son and who you could write to and explain how your son is feeling about school and ask them for advice to both you and school. Sometimes it can be difficult to get the professionals in if the school doesn't think there is a problem. But if you put in your letter to school how your son is showing anxiety and stress and ask for the autism outreach teacher or Educational Psychologist (for example) to be asked for advice. Then I think that would be quite reasonable, and if they do nothing that is also evidence you will have in the future if needed. But I would wait until you've been into school and seen the GP before you put together a letter. But make some notes about what you want to raise with school and your GP.

 

Hi.Yes it would be CAMHS that the GP would refer to re panic attacks.However the GP would probably not refer if this panic attack is the first or if the anxiety is new.My elder son was refered to CAMHS but only once he had had several panic attacks and had been off school due to anxiety for a few weeks and we were known to CAMHS and the referal was between CAMHS colleagues.

If your child is likely to be off school for more than a day or two it is worth obtaining a letter from the GP stating that your child is unwell with anxiety.

There was a thread on this last week that I will post a link to.Karen.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hope you get to the bottom of things, Alex :)

 

.

 

Just one thought...teachers have on-going supervisions of their lessons by senior management, so it would be surprising if she really is as bad as you fear.

 

 

 

Bid :)

 

Not in my borough it wouldn't................ :rolleyes::):oops:

 

Sorry just better clarify this is more a reflection of what I have learned from parents in some schools.It does not in anyway refer to any specific individual......

Edited by Karen A

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi alexmum

 

Re baddad: Try not to take it too personally. I have done this myself before. He appears to be very concrete in his thinking and maybe he comes across much better in person! It is useful to have different points of view even if you don't agree with them. (I am standing up for you baddad, honest! :unsure: )

 

We have had 2 serious situations with 2 different teachers:

 

1. When Mj started infant school, his teacher seemed to take a dislike to him at the 'visits' before he even started there properly. The children went in for a story in her classroom and Mj was sat near some open front drawers and was looking in them whilst he was listening. I whispered across to him to sit still and listen and she said "Oh don't worry, I'm keeping my eye on him". When he was actually in her class he would get told off for tidying up for the other children, looking at books or the computer (when he should have been doing something else), and we were told "Why can't your son comply when the rest of the class can?". At playtime once he went back into the classroom to look at the computer. She said he was "putting himself in danger" - as if a 4 year old would somehow be aware of this - it turned out that she and the classroom assistant and BOTH gone round to the toy store and were handing out toys for the children to take back to the playround outside the classroom and they couldn't see the playground/classroom from there, so the children were unsupervised.

The day I went in to tell her he had been diagnosed with glue ear I witnessed her mis-hear what he said to her and she accused him of listening to our conversation when we had stood the other side of a noisy classroom from where he was!!!!! :wallbash: The headteacher totally backed the teacher and they made me feel like I had the naughtiest child in the world, other parents would look at us and snigger and whisper so she obviously talked to them about us. In assembly he got up when the wrong class number was called out and got told off, when the right class number was called out he didn't know whether to get up or not and got told off for not getting up!!! :wallbash::wallbash: One day I was spoken to as he had been throwing books. It turned out he was only copying what another child was doing, but the other child was aware of the teacher coming in and stopped and my son was his usual oblivious self and carried on. After she had given her version of events to the Ed Psych (without him seeing my son), who told her he was bright and needed to be 'stretched' they FORCED him to choose a second reading book by dragging him round each classroom in turn and trying to make him choose another book. Needless to say I ended up moving him to another school. The first week there he had his toy confiscated because he refused to put his coat on for playtime, but he was fine about it because the new teacher had explained what he'd done wrong, why it was wrong and what would happen. All children benefit from clear explanations, I don't know why some teachers simply refuse to do this.

 

2. Mj did not like a teacher at Junior School. We tried several times to explain that he might be misunderstanding what the teacher was doing/saying. This teacher had a very deep voice and my son thought he was cross all the time. He would also say as he was coming into the classroom "Right open your books and start work" and this would make my son panic and feel rushed. We had a meeting with the teacher and he 'explained away' my sons concerns and was so lovely and we were both taken in by him. He was also verbally supportive when we said Mj had had some trouble with a certain girl and said we could believe what Mj was saying as she was like that. Then one day another child came and told me that the teacher had been horrible to Mj and had made snide remarks about something that was very hurtful to my son. Later I heard that a girl had a broken arm in plaster and he had got cross with her and grabbed the girl's arm and twisted it and made comments about her making up that it was broken. He left the school shortly after this incident. After that many parents related stories where he had been nasty and bullying towards their children. We should have believed our son. Okay your son may be misunderstanding/misinterpreting but do you want to take that chance?

 

Unfortunately not all teachers are wonderful, selfless individuals. In my experience, if they are just doing it as a job they are often likely to have even less patience with 'different' children, and to have their favourites. Just to say Mj had the most perfect, wonderful teacher ever in Year 2 of Infant School, Mrs Dorothy Lane. :notworthy: I wish we could clone her!!!

Edited by Mandapanda

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi alexmum

 

Re baddad: Try not to take it too personally. I have done this myself before. He appears to be very concrete in his thinking and maybe he comes across much better in person! It is useful to have different points of view even if you don't agree with them. (I am standing up for you baddad, honest! :unsure: )

 

:lol:

Hi mandapanda - no worries, but I will say i think you've got me wrong! Firstly, I probably don't come across better in person - unless you like people who just say what they think. If you're the kind of person that finds anyone disagreeing with you 'challenging' then you would probably find me 'challenging' in real life too. But i'm not, honestly, I am the nicest person you could ever hope to throw rocks at! :D

But - I'm actually not that much of a 'concrete' thinker either... if you look at what I'm saying in almost any thread, nine times out of ten i'll be saying 'be open to other ideas'. In this case, i'm saying that the teacher probably isn't a monster and that there are probably other explanations that are - either in full or in part - part of the equation too. that's not 'concrete' - it is far more concrete to say 'well if my son says it it must be that way'... That said, no matter how carefully I try to say it, 99 times out of a hundred whenever I say to people 'look at all the possibilities/angles' they interpret it as a direct attack on the particular 'angle' they currently endorse.

 

I never say (i.e.,) your child isn't behaving that way because of autism - I say 'your child isn't necessarily behaving that way because of autism. The 'necessarily' tends to get overlooked by parents who are absolutely concrete (;)) in their conviction that if an autistic child does X Y or Z it must be because of their autism.

 

Hope that clarifies things, and thanks for your kind thoughts... :thumbs:

 

L&P

 

BD :D

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Since my son has started school we have had problems with several teachers. He gets on better with stricter, older type as he knows where he stands. A lot of younger ones have no time or patience with children who are different and have a tendency to make hasty uninformed comments. Sometimes when you talk to them it is as if they were zombies repeating someone else's speech, they have learnt the right sentences to use so that it is kept impersonal. My son would give them problems and they would tell me without trying to find solutions. There were name calling issues that were left unresolved for a long time because the teacher could not see the problem even though my son was self-harming as a result. A lot of them seem to lack a basic sense of psychology and my son has felt humiliated many times. A lot of them are fresh from university with little life experience, no children of their own and an attitude.

It is true that one has to be wary of what our children tell us (SEN or NT) but I have had to support my child from day one and I know what makes him tick (good and bad) and I know that if he is really upset then we have a genuine problem.

 

 

Baddad, what you say really really really uspets me, I cannot say it any other way. It feels that whatever some of us say you counter just for the sake of it. It has been playing on my mind all afternoon. It seems completely counterproductive. The purpose of this forum should not be to argue but to support each other because at the end of the day being the parent of ASD children is difficult enough as it is. A lot of us have faced bad problems with schools and LEAs, NHS, pain parents of pain children....problems that we do not have with our NT children. A lot of us, like me, have several children and are capable to understand the difference between what is normal and what is not !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

alexmum, i hope your boy's ok now. Having a horrible teacher, for whatever reasons, must be awful . Hope you get it sorted soon, x

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Baddad, what you say really really really uspets me, I cannot say it any other way. It feels that whatever some of us say you counter just for the sake of it. It has been playing on my mind all afternoon. It seems completely counterproductive. The purpose of this forum should not be to argue but to support each other because at the end of the day being the parent of ASD children is difficult enough as it is. A lot of us have faced bad problems with schools and LEAs, NHS, pain parents of pain children....problems that we do not have with our NT children. A lot of us, like me, have several children and are capable to understand the difference between what is normal and what is not !

 

What, specifically? And why do you think i'm countering 'just for the sake of it' when i have been very specific (I thought? :unsure: ) about the points i was trying to make?

whatever i type - you (and several others) come back at me about it - i don't assume you are doing it 'just for the sake of it' and i don't make emotional accusations at you for doing so...

I could interpret your last statement as ' you only have one child so can't possibly have a valid opinion' ? I don't know if that is what you meant, but if it is, it's exactly the kind of gainsaying I find offensive... i've gone out of my way to explain that i am not 'picking' on anyone - I just find the whole idea of branding a teacher as 'evil' unreasonable, and i find endorsing that based on nothing other than the contents of the original post unreasonable. Why is that counterproductive, upsetting, argumentative etc?

Is support just agreeing with the other person, regardless of how unreasonable you think what they are saying is? If so - how does that 'help' anyone?

 

I'm sorry - I really am at a loss to understand why thinking the teacher should not be demonised is unreasonable (or offensive/upsetting)?

 

L&P

 

BD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I remember when I was at school, I got very upset about a teacher who kept telling me off for things I wasn't doing. In the end my mum went in to the school to speak to the teacher about it. It turned out the things I was getting upset over were comments she was addressing to the whole class, and not specifically to me. I wasn't lying, she was shouting about things I wasn't doing. But I had got it completely wrong! That is why it's important you find out exactly what is going on.

 

But if she is shouting and screaming at your son, that is really not reasonable. Teachers sometimes need to shout to get the attention of the class, but there are very few situations that justify an adult shouting and screaming at a child. If your son has sensory processing issues, he may have felt the teacher was screaming and shouting when she was actually just talking loudly. That's another reason why you need to find out both sides of the story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes your right, as long as the teacher tells her side truthfully and doesnt dismiss the boys ' instincts ', we all have them for a reason !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alexmum, i hope your boy's ok now. Having a horrible teacher, for whatever reasons, must be awful . Hope you get it sorted soon, x

Many thanks for your kind concern it helpd just being able to tell someone of your worries. got an email form the head of subject studies who said he would look into it and get back to me; left a message for this teacher yesturday (who has given my son so much greef) to contact me to discuss my concerns; However she has not returned my call as yet. Took my son to CAHMS meeting today; had a very understanding phsycologist listen to my son's concerns then he spoke to me on my own, I ended up crying when he explained what my son had told him, there were things that even I was unawear off that my son was experiencing.Just made me feel so proud and humble that my young son was takeing all this heart ache and worry on his own shoulders because he didn't want to complain too much to me and appear as a nusisance. I have told him he could never ever be that to me, and that i am here always for him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just made me feel so proud and humble that my young son was takeing all this heart ache and worry on his own shoulders because he didn't want to complain too much to me and appear as a nusisance. I have told him he could never ever be that to me, and that i am here always for him.

 

They are our 'brave little soldiers' sometimes, aren't they?

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alexmum, i hope your boy's ok now. Having a horrible teacher, for whatever reasons, must be awful . Hope you get it sorted soon, x

Thanks lisac for your kind support

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I remember when I was at school, I got very upset about a teacher who kept telling me off for things I wasn't doing. In the end my mum went in to the school to speak to the teacher about it. It turned out the things I was getting upset over were comments she was addressing to the whole class, and not specifically to me. I wasn't lying, she was shouting about things I wasn't doing. But I had got it completely wrong! That is why it's important you find out exactly what is going on.

 

But if she is shouting and screaming at your son, that is really not reasonable. Teachers sometimes need to shout to get the attention of the class, but there are very few situations that justify an adult shouting and screaming at a child. If your son has sensory processing issues, he may have felt the teacher was screaming and shouting when she was actually just talking loudly. That's another reason why you need to find out both sides of the story.

I understand Tally and everyone else who has mentioned that he may be missinterpreting things I have thought of this but my instincts and past exeriences have convinced me that this is most likely not the case.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Many thanks for your kind concern it helpd just being able to tell someone of your worries. got an email form the head of subject studies who said he would look into it and get back to me; left a message for this teacher yesturday (who has given my son so much greef) to contact me to discuss my concerns; However she has not returned my call as yet. Took my son to CAHMS meeting today; had a very understanding phsycologist listen to my son's concerns then he spoke to me on my own, I ended up crying when he explained what my son had told him, there were things that even I was unawear off that my son was experiencing.Just made me feel so proud and humble that my young son was takeing all this heart ache and worry on his own shoulders because he didn't want to complain too much to me and appear as a nusisance. I have told him he could never ever be that to me, and that i am here always for him.

 

I presume the CAHMS psychologist has made notes of everything your son said. Can you ask for a copy of them? This would be evidence of what your son said, and that it was said it to another professional.

So what is the suggested next step with this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And regarding any misinterpretation of things. At least it has been ruled out. Otherwise that is the first suggestion that would have been put forward. Now you have evidence via the CAHMS psychologist of things your son has said have happened.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Since my son has started school we have had problems with several teachers. He gets on better with stricter, older type as he knows where he stands. A lot of younger ones have no time or patience with children who are different and have a tendency to make hasty uninformed comments. Sometimes when you talk to them it is as if they were zombies repeating someone else's speech, they have learnt the right sentences to use so that it is kept impersonal. My son would give them problems and they would tell me without trying to find solutions. There were name calling issues that were left unresolved for a long time because the teacher could not see the problem even though my son was self-harming as a result. A lot of them seem to lack a basic sense of psychology and my son has felt humiliated many times. A lot of them are fresh from university with little life experience, no children of their own and an attitude.

It is true that one has to be wary of what our children tell us (SEN or NT) but I have had to support my child from day one and I know what makes him tick (good and bad) and I know that if he is really upset then we have a genuine problem.

 

 

Baddad, what you say really really really uspets me, I cannot say it any other way. It feels that whatever some of us say you counter just for the sake of it. It has been playing on my mind all afternoon. It seems completely counterproductive. The purpose of this forum should not be to argue but to support each other because at the end of the day being the parent of ASD children is difficult enough as it is. A lot of us have faced bad problems with schools and LEAs, NHS, pain parents of pain children....problems that we do not have with our NT children. A lot of us, like me, have several children and are capable to understand the difference between what is normal and what is not !

frogslegs just to let you know that I understand were you are coming from with regards to baddad's comments ;I was very upset by his sarcasm in his comment (your son's exempary behaviour) to me that's a totaly unecessary remark to make. I also felt in his remarks that he appeared to make me and my son feel like we were on some kind of hate mission towards this teacher, perhaps he would feel differently if this was happening to his child. Also his comment that my son was(not entirely unbiased source of info) didn't go down very well with me either it was rather a negative and pompous thing to say and hurtful; we all know that our children may misinterpret things sometimes he need not have put it quit that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been thinking about my previous post this evening and think it might be better (please understand I am not telling you what to do, just making suggestions), if you sent a letter to the CAHMS Psychologist to the effect "further to our meeting today in which I informed you of my sons recent deterioration in mental health of .................................. which I understand is due to difficulties he is having in school; you spent some time with my son where you informed me he told you of the following instances in school:

a)

B)

c)

In view of his diagnosis, he is vulnerable child, and I am very concerned about the implications of this. Can you please advise me how with now proceed."

 

It might be worth contacting NAS, IPSEA or ACE for their perspective on this.

 

I would also at this stage think about what you wish to come out of this. For example this might be used as evidence that his current placement is not suitable, or that he needs a Statement (not sure if he has one), or that his Statement should be amended to state that all "teaching staff and TAs should be suitably qualified and trained to teach children with ASDs".

As awful as this situation is, you might be able to turn it around and get something your son needs.

I would also recommend not agreeing to anything that is suggested to you (even verbally) at this stage as any agreement now might be used against you later. I would get a bit more information about the implications of whatever it was that your son said happened.

And I think it is worth writing a letter to the CAHMS psychologist in the above terms because she has got to write back and deny everything in writing or your letter is going to stand as evidence that that is an accurate reflection of what was discussed at that meeting. Even if she does not respond at all that is still evidence that you have put in writing a conversation and that the contents of that conversation have not been denied with CAHMS. The implications of this and any professionals 'duty of care' to your son if they take no action could be quite serious - again depending on what was discussed and which I have no knowledge of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
And regarding any misinterpretation of things. At least it has been ruled out. Otherwise that is the first suggestion that would have been put forward. Now you have evidence via the CAHMS psychologist of things your son has said have happened.

i might have missed this somewhere else, but where is the evidence? all CAMHS can say is that he has said these things. unless someone actually witnesses it happening then it is still only one side of the story

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
And regarding any misinterpretation of things. At least it has been ruled out. Otherwise that is the first suggestion that would have been put forward. Now you have evidence via the CAHMS psychologist of things your son has said have happened.

:clap: :clap: :clap: Oooh, goody, I'm going to go and see my NHS psychologist tomorrow cause she knows when I do and do not misinterpret things and I'm going to tell her all the nasty things the consultant and my GP have said about me not being allowed to drive and kayak and swim and climb trees even though I wasn't doing any of them when they said I couldn't so they must have been picking on me, and then I'm going to ask my psychologist to write it all down for me and then I will have proof that what the GP and consultant said was wrong and I'll be able to drive, kayak, swim and climb trees again, possibly all at the same time. :thumbs: :thumbs:

 

EDIT: Sorry, just read Nobbynobs far more reasoned response than mine, unfortunately I didn't get that far before exploding (on account of being a 'brave little soldier' myself and on account of being an ex evil-teacher :(). Comments like those in the thread are unlikely to provide a positive solution all can learn from and move forward from. Whoever it was (Karen I think? :unsure:) who talked about perhaps a need for training not just focused on one teacher has spoken the most sense there is in this thread. Teachers, believe it or not, are humans too and need guidance just like the rest of us. Threatening and abusive behaviour is not guidance - it is stooping to, and potentially perpetuating (and not least saying to your children that this is OK) - the behaviour you see as wrong. :tearful:

Edited by Mumble

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...