Relationship problems

[keepingmesane]

Ive split my original post as it was really about two different things so im starting this new thread to make things simple...

 

my husband and i are about to split as i cant bear to be touched anymore, i just want to be by myself and really hate sex. i enjoy the brief period of orgasm but hate the build up and hate my body feeling different after sex. my husband has treid to stay with me in the hope that i change but i feel as though i wont. ive never been fond of sex... i did it because i always wanted to feel how the books and people tell you you should feel... i always wanted a partner because i felt lonely and wanted to meet 'the one'. When we first got together (he was my first and only boyfriend) it was ok because i could do things becuase i adored him and wanted to please him, ikept going thinking i would grow to like it. i then got ill with M.E and we had sex less, but that led to times when dh was desperate and i would do things to settle him, i didnt enjoy it but wanted to make him happy. since having the children i have very little time to myself and found that i pushed hubby away even more, i couldnt bare to be touched and hated sex... i felt it made me so happy and even got sent to a councellor who taught me to say NO for the good of myself. its been a year since seeing the councellor, ive talked to dh and explained that i just cant have sex anymore as it makes me feel so bad and uncomfortable and its not enjoyable.

weve always had an odd relationship as ive always siad if any other woman propositioned him for sex then to go for it, even now i feel more like a sister or mum to him. im just really detached.

i hate to admit it but he was an obsession, or at least i think thats what it was, i do still love him but my world is my children and my pets now... every thought i have is about them and theres not really any room for him any more. i felt so guilty when i realised this a while ago and have been trying to get hubby o think of finding someone else. it hurts in one way as i cant have him around here and cant be a normal wife, but i want whats best for him as being trapped like this has really affected him and he is so depressed all the time. he isnt innocent in all this, but im a big part of causing the problems by being so cold and isolated.

It looks like dh might be leaving me soon, he had an 'incident' with a friend of his at uni. she wanted to sleep with him and in the end he turned it down as he was thinking of the children. when he told me i was actually sorry for him that he has missed an oportunity. he feels very strongly for this girl and i have been talking him through things as he was left very confused. it seems such an odd situation that i, as his wife, am talking him through whether he should talk to this girl again. its bizarre because i feel impersonal to it all and just want to see him happy.

 

for myself, its not just my husband and going with another guy wouldnt change anything.. im just not interested in sex in any way shape or form. i would miss my back rubs but thats all.

 

does anyone else feel like this? ive been to sex councellors and therapists only to be told thats how i am.

[something_different]

Hi Deb

 

I also dislike sex etc. Though I have never had a proper relationship, mostly because i am so cr@p with ppl. But also I think it would be unfair to expect someone to be with me and I would be unable to give them what they wanted. I don't think there are many men who don't want sex, but i could be wrong!

 

I think that it would be OK for ur hubby to accept sex from someone else if thats all he wants, and you feel happy with that, esp if it makes him happy too.

But if you feel a seperation would be better and make both of you happyer that may be what you need.

 

 

I have gone through a lot of phases in the past of, wishing I was normal, wanting a special someone as I was so lonely, wanting to want and enjoy sex, I would also think I could and would tolorate it if I was in a relationship, purely to keep my partner happy, but now I am ok and happy with being single, yes I would love kids, but I could adopt in the future. It would not bother me if I never had sex ever again.

 

 

[keepingmesane]

thanks so much for your reply, i really appreciate it xx i was beginning to think from all the views that i was on my own

where we will go i dont know, but im glad to finally be sure in myself and be honest that i dont like it.xx

 

thanks again

[something_different]

maybe we are the only 2!

[Mumble]

Not the only two <'> and I suspect that you have helped many people who have read this (either guests or members) by your honesty. You have definitely helped me to feel 'OK' by how I feel when I have always felt that I was weird and the only one who felt this way (not helped by popular images in society, programmes like Sex and the City etc... ).

 

I don't want to go into details on an open forum but yes, I could really identify with this and it has been an issue in every relationship I have been in (well an issue for the male... ) and also extends to be an issue with medical examinations (I know all women don't like these, but it's more than that).

 

It probably part defence on my part that I have convinced myself I want/need my own space and want to be alone.

 

[something_different]

thanx mumble

 

 

 

maybe we're just the only ones brave enough to discuss it here.

 

 

You have definitely helped me to feel 'OK' by how I feel when I have always felt that I was weird and the only one who felt this way

 

nothing wrong with being weird, I have always thought of myself as weird, and accept that i am! lol

[Lifevoyager]

Hi, I think you are being very strong in admitting your feelings, and can assure you you're not alone- I am 39 and have never had a relationship, never been intimate with anybody and just don't feel the desire to be- I'm sure there are many others who feel the same.

 

Sure, I feel lonely and feel that I would like to share my life with someone- but I don't know if I could ever do the physical- if I am being totally honest with myself I don't even know if I am gay or straight!

 

I really hope things work out for you, all the very best

xx

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Clearly you've always put your husband first and even now you're still trying to do that. I really hope that you'll find peace (can't think of a better word) within yourself now that you've recognised with the help of a counsellor that you have to say no to things that you really don't want.

 

I think sex either diminishes or is greatly reduced when you're under stress. Let's face it, caring after a child with an ASD (and all that entails) hardly leaves you feeling good about yourself or with bags of energy! Quite the opposite - as much as I love my son, he saps every ounce of energy I have. My husband (who is thought to be AS as well as my son) doesn't get it. I think it's inevitable that that kind of situation puts a massive strain on a relationship. Ultimately, it boils down to self preservation, for your own sanity and for your kids.

 

I don't think you're alone.

 

Caroline.

 

[keepingmesane]

well, hubby and i had a short split for two weeks and he has been back only 3 days and im not sure we can make things work again i really enjoyed and was able to relax for the two weeks. ok i had 5 children to look after on my own and that wasnt easy, but i did it.

 

I also went and saw an adult psychologist a month ago and have been told i am an aspie! cost me £500 but the relief is so worht it

 

i wish life wasnt so complicated

[mark2]

Oh this is a lovely thread...and I totally agree with Mumble...it is so honest and enabling it has greatly affected me.

 

Im happy to out myself straight off as first guy looking for celibacy...

 

...and note this is not easy for a guy, and natural born sex god, plus the myth that without sex partner we explode in some pythonesque way (erm, well maybe the last bit is not actually true but... I have to keep to the accepted party line??)

 

But now for 20 years Ive been wanting a platonic/celibate partner. Its not easyof course but its longed-for realism. The reason is the destructive hammering effect of picking hopes up and having them hit the rocks....ditto for the people I care for. All my life. And yet never has there been a person who so much like holding hands etc. That is so cruel and I would much much rather preserve an active friendship. But Im going to take Mumbles route here of not saying much more...not needing too ... because really its been said by Deb. <'>

Im just the male version of it, near enough.

 

My reason for not getting anything acvtively sorted and just drifting along is probably as simple and silly as Im better at gardening/mechanics. Im at screaming poiint having lost someone (relationship)I care for and when I look to be positive in this area it probably isnt all that difficult. Im going to date platonically. I dont know but at 59 I seem to be well older than all you...but, I tell you what, I wish id got my bum in gear 20 years ago on this when I knew that somehow me into relationships didnt go. With some real introspection I could have done the laddish stuff and still seen it thirty years ago....easily.

 

Why doI think it will work platonically? Just because I enjoy being friends initially that will have to go somewhere even if it doesnt get steamy? Well i dont know iof thats true. And Ive a hunch that somehow it isnt...that there may be more energy for respect and nurture in a platonic thing.

 

OK! So I checked on Google and theres dating agencies!...covering all the perms of bonk-free behaviour or of course well known free site options probably needing a bit of creativity? I dont know, havent sorted it yet, but the way I feel is go for it. Get off bum and get proactive Thanks, Deb and all, Mark

Edited April 25, 2011 by mark2

[dom]

from a sort of neutral point of view, people place far too much emphasis on sex, when IMO sex has very little to do with the L word.

Random guess - most NTs (or shall we say the over-sexed NTs) stance on this is, they know roughly how their bodies respond, so when they're with a partner and they dont get that "awesome" physical release of endorphines (as portrayed everywhere these days- coz the hype says it HAS to be like an out-of-body experience) they put it down to chemistry, and soon or later search for another partner.

And i'm guessing, people in the spectrum, for a combination of factors, dont really get the same awareness from their own bodies and physical responses (i read somewhere about different sensorial thresholds [?] ) so it's never going to be easy to connect with someone, let alone getting to the "promised land" we're fed an illusion of.

[leeds_demon]

I too am not fussed about having a relationship. I'm a gay woman and have only had one serious relationship during my adulthood. It doesn't help that I suffer from alopecia and have to wear a hairpiece.

As far as my relationship was concerned, I enjoyed the 'giving' so to speak, but as for 'receiving', there were no fireworks, if you get my drift. I must admit, I like the thrill of the chase, but then I get bored. I seriously lusted after a former housemate, before I met my Ex, (I was obsessed with her), to the point, where she had to leave; she also said that I drove her to drink with my behaviour, even though when I kissed her, she didn't push me away.

I think I would like to meet someone, but she must have her own place, be ok with the idea of just kissing and cuddling, and also be ok with the idea of not staying overnight at my house. I don't like the thought of being using the bathroom when someone is downstairs, as I'm concerned that they might look at my personal papers, etc. This is why, if my landlord suggested that the windows are replaced, I wouldn't agree, as I don't like the thought of not knowing what is being done, when I'm out of the room. (If my bedroom window was being replaced, how could I guarantee that the bloke replacing the window might not steal some of my CDs?). Also, if I met someone, I wouldn't want her to use my computer, (my Ex used the computer to play SIMS and I couldn't even use it, due to her spending time playing the game. God, I hate The SIMS!!).

keepingmesane: I can't believe that you paid £500 for a private diagnosis. You should have gone to your GP, who would have referred you to a clinical psychologist/psychiatrist, who either would have diagnosed you, (if he/she has experience in the field of ASDs), or referred to a unit, such as Sheffield Asperger's Unit.

As for relationships, whether gay or straight, they're just pants!!

[RainbowsButterflies]

keepingmesane: I can't believe that you paid £500 for a private diagnosis. You should have gone to your GP, who would have referred you to a clinical psychologist/psychiatrist, who either would have diagnosed you, (if he/she has experience in the field of ASDs), or referred to a unit, such as Sheffield Asperger's Unit.

 

If only life was that simple! There are no services in our area for autistic adults. I went to my GP and she requested funding for out of area assessment from the PCT. 6 months later I'm still waiting for them to even decide whether they will fund it or not - in the mean time, I had massive issues with my university course and it made sense for me to pursue a private diagnosis.

 

There is a massive postcode lottery for autism services, particularly adult services, and unfortunately sometimes the only way is to pay

[leeds_demon]

If only life was that simple! There are no services in our area for autistic adults. I went to my GP and she requested funding for out of area assessment from the PCT. 6 months later I'm still waiting for them to even decide whether they will fund it or not - in the mean time, I had massive issues with my university course and it made sense for me to pursue a private diagnosis.

 

There is a massive postcode lottery for autism services, particularly adult services, and unfortunately sometimes the only way is to pay

Have you come across the Austism Strategy? You need to contact your local PCT and explain that this Strategy exists and what are they doing to help with Autism/Asperger's. You need to contact your local social services and ask what they are doing with regards to the Autism Strategy. My local PCT paid for me to have an appointment at the Sheffield Asperger's Service. There's also the Maudesly (I think that's how you spell it), which carries out assessments.

You really need to make your GP and local PCT aware of the Austism Strategy.