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martyn

Our Daughter

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Our Daughter at the moment is a real worry to my wife and I. shes coming up to 18. Yes shes at a age where we can't tell her any thing. If theres a slight incling. She bombards us with swear words, becomes physically abusive. And starts throwing objects around the room. I thought those days were coming to a end.

Shes never had a boyfriend,but a few months ago she so a new bus driver. And took a instant liking to him. From that moment every day since . My wife in particular spends on average 4 hours a day sitting in the bus station with her. The reason being she wants to catch a glimpse of him. RRR youmay say, how cute shes got a crush. But its beginning to drive us nut now. Theres no future between them. He hasn't egged her on, we've tried talking to her about her crush, trying to convince her theres no future. But to no aveil. Shes going down this road, of wanting to follow HIM around. We just don't know what to do, to break the cycle.

 

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Your daughter needs help now. Sitting in bus stations with her while she tries to catch a glimpse is allowing her to believe that what she is doing is acceptable and that there is nothing wrong with her behviour and could escalate into full blown stalking while also being potentially very dangerous for your daughter. I know a young woman with AS who went on like this with footballers and it did become quite serious. She had to have some input from some ASD specialists who helped her to understand that it was not acceptable to follow anyone around. Your daughter also requires some help with her aggressive behaviour towards you and your wife. Believe me I understand what you are going through with outbursts.

 

If I were you I would be trying to find out what your mental health services were like and if there was anyone who specalises in adults with autism within the service. You could always talk to the NAS they might be able to point you in the direction of someone. It is important that whoever your daughter sees fully understands her autism.

 

Cat

Edited by Cat

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Totally agree with Cats post, are you just sitting in the station with her to keep her safe? or because she will trash/attack if you dont? either way you need help but if she wont accept help I dont know what you can do, I also know , only too well, what the verbal/physical abuse is like, there are no easy answers but if you havnt already, start knocking on doors now, sending you much support, keep posting and let us know how you go on. Enid

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I'm not sure I have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.. I'm 18 years old - I also have an obsession with someone who was kind to me at one point.. I had thought that it was linked to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not so sure now. I have some 'stalking' behaviours I guess, which I am getting help with amongst other things.. Like Cat said, I now understand that what I was doing is an invasion of a persons privacy and is not right. I'm not violent and I certainly would never hurt him. Do you think your daughter would be? I also used to hang around by his house waiting to see him and other stuff which I'm too embarrassed to write about :oops: But I do see that I'm obsessive over it. I wonder if your daughter knows or if she's in denial?

 

What is her main reason for waiting at the bus stop? Is it just to see him? For me, it was just that. Once I saw him or he acknowledged me, I was in a great mood for the rest of the day. I attributed it to the OCD as I don't like obsessing over him, it causes a great deal of upset, but I can't help it. Much like my routines and rituals from my OCD. I will also admit that sometimes I had to stop myself and remind myself that he is in fact a human being - I think I sometimes looked at him like a possession/something I'm saving up for almost :blink: It's very odd. I'm on a fairly high dose of medication at the moment, which actually works pretty well with regards to this situation. I'm able to block him from my mind a lot more now and it's not a big deal really anymore, it's more like a crush I guess.

 

I'm not sure about your daughters aggression.. I have a terrible temper. But it doesn't flare up very often at all now.

 

Good luck :)

Edited by Thompsons

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I'm not sure I have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.. I'm 18 years old - I also have an obsession with someone who was kind to me at one point.. I had thought that it was linked to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not so sure now. I have some 'stalking' behaviours I guess, which I am getting help with amongst other things.. Like Cat said, I now understand that what I was doing is an invasion of a persons privacy and is not right. I'm not violent and I certainly would never hurt him. Do you think your daughter would be? I also used to hang around by his house waiting to see him and other stuff which I'm too embarrassed to write about :oops: But I do see that I'm obsessive over it. I wonder if your daughter knows or if she's in denial?

 

What is her main reason for waiting at the bus stop? Is it just to see him? For me, it was just that. Once I saw him or he acknowledged me, I was in a great mood for the rest of the day. I attributed it to the OCD as I don't like obsessing over him, it causes a great deal of upset, but I can't help it. Much like my routines and rituals from my OCD. I will also admit that sometimes I had to stop myself and remind myself that he is in fact a human being - I think I sometimes looked at him like a possession/something I'm saving up for almost :blink: It's very odd. I'm on a fairly high dose of medication at the moment, which actually works pretty well with regards to this situation. I'm able to block him from my mind a lot more now and it's not a big deal really anymore, it's more like a crush I guess.

 

I'm not sure about your daughters aggression.. I have a terrible temper. But it doesn't flare up very often at all now.

 

Good luck :)

I'm sorry for taking so long getting back to you all. I'm preoccupied these days, thank you so much for your constructive comments.

I have this gut feeling about my daughters rage. I think its the early rumblings of a Aspies trying her hardest to live a neuro typical existence in a neurological world. My ultimate fear is, that my daughter in the next few years is going to sucome. To the realization that she will fail. God knows whats going to happen when that day comes.

 

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I'm sorry for taking so long getting back to you all. I'm preoccupied these days, thank you so much for your constructive comments.

I have this gut feeling about my daughters rage. I think its the early rumblings of a Aspies trying her hardest to live a neuro typical existence in a neurological world. My ultimate fear is, that my daughter in the next few years is going to sucome. To the realization that she will fail. God knows whats going to happen when that day comes.

Thompson's, Yes, she'll come back from the bus station in a perky mood. If he looks in her direction, smiles, or even just says hello or goodbye to her. She knows what he drinks, what type of motor bike he has. She even goes on the internet to a site that as information about the bus company he works for. Hoping to see if there are photographs of him.

The medication your on, do you use it in conjunction with what you've been talking about?. I know its very personal but did you willing want to take it. I'm just thinking, that if this was recommended to my daughter and she said no. I don't know where we'd go from there. I do hope I'm making sense. Thank you

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is she getting obsessive with him talks about him all time focuses on him etc? is she got MH probs depression ,anxiety as anger and agression normal signs that can show up with this! i used to be physically abusive swearing attacking my parents so can personally understand early teens a mixture of raging hormones around your body changing physically (puberty) can be confusing time especially for young girls with AS they can be get scared and frustrated maybe your daughter craves the normal stereotypical teenage view of having a boyfriend someone to love and care for her as she see it in her world! as she may feels she has personal connection with this bus guy in some way he understands her!

 

i think your daughter needs real help and support she may have MH probs CAMHS the doctor can refer you there to have CBT and maybe meds antidepressants or anti-pyschotic meds to help work though some these probs she has! maybe cause she socially isolated/frustrated she clings on for dear life with this busy guy and everything to do with him alot AS people get obsessed with objects or seems to be certain person they know ,love or care about! like OCD type belief and thinking system she has maybe this become more like a routine habit she now can't stop or get out of maybe doesn't feel like she has control it has control over her and her life! this obsession is gone too far and probably now reached an unhealthy stage and level! maybe counselling and working on skills she needs too be make her stronger and better! i think this destructive cycle needs breaking with the right professional input effort and time she can and will make recovering but will be slow progress and won't just magically disappear overnight! sounds like she infaturated with him this could be classed as stalking if found out that is serious matter and needs to be dealt with senstively and appropriately professionals who work with people with ASD and MH probs together! like clinical pyschlogist/ child pyschlogist or pyschtrist or MH OT!

 

hope start to see changes soon!

 

take care

good luck

XKLX

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she might put her in that situation to make feel positive about herself which raises her low self-esteem/confidence sounds like there other issues that going on hidding behind this this a mask over the real problems that your daughter may have in her life!

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what you scared and afraid she'll succome and fail at what in next couple of years? maybe an ASD parent local support group may help with practical advice for obsessional thinking and anger/agression problems she has! how long she had these probs for? and why do think they started in first place? has she talked to anyone in past over her feelings/emotions over this bus guy? why do think she so into him? does she blow things up in her head things that are sometimes not seen as true NT reality! do you think her AS clouds her judgement and vulnerabilty? is she immature for her age? what you've listed is common with young teens with AS/ASD alot experience this to one degree to another!

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Thompson's, Yes, she'll come back from the bus station in a perky mood. If he looks in her direction, smiles, or even just says hello or goodbye to her. She knows what he drinks, what type of motor bike he has. She even goes on the internet to a site that as information about the bus company he works for. Hoping to see if there are photographs of him.

The medication your on, do you use it in conjunction with what you've been talking about?. I know its very personal but did you willing want to take it. I'm just thinking, that if this was recommended to my daughter and she said no. I don't know where we'd go from there. I do hope I'm making sense. Thank you

 

 

She sounds a lot like me.. I know what he drinks, buys from the shops, ect. It's the most wonderful feeling when he smiles at me, but at the same time, if something doesn't go to my liking, it's awful. I cried for a day straight when he got a girlfriend :oops: I will admit, I still have days when I've happened to see him and then for the rest of the day he's all I can think about. I think there probably is a low self-esteem issue.. I've never had a boyfriend in my life. I've had a few people take interest, but when they discover my little 'quirks' they change their minds. I guess, deep down, I desperately want someone to like me, and to have someone to love in return. Because I often get jealous of other NT girls my age because they're everything that I'm not. I wonder if your daughter is feeling a bit low on confidence too?

 

My medication I take twice a day and then I have behavioural therapy once, sometimes twice a week. I feel like I didn't really have much choice. I started my medication when I was 14. I had developed a phobia of eating, so I was very ill and in hospital. At that point, I just felt like I was dying, and I was ready to take anything that they said would make me better/help me. The 'stalking' behaviour wasn't really a main issue when compared to the others that I had, but the medication does help it a little and obviously my psychiatrist is helping me too; it does become a main priority when it involves someone else like that.

Edited by Thompsons

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This all sounds so familiar. I have a 16 year old who was diagnosed with AS last year and is in complete denial trying to live a NT life if being reclusive at home and refusing to go out is that. She has obsessions but has not developed any crushes yet which could be due to the fact that she never leaves the house and is still incredibly immature in some aspects. We do have complete meltdowns, the swearing and abuse is second to none (I am learning new words all the time!) and the aggression (thrown objects across the room) is not very pleasant. She has severe anxiety issues and I think she is depressed but can't get her to the doctor and she refuses to see the psychiatrist at CAMHS, although my husband I and see her by ourselves just for support. She did tell me that help between 16-18 is difficult to get and that once she was 18 she could be seen under the adult services but in the meantime we have just been left. It sounds very much like your daughter is having conflicting issues in that she wants to be NT but isn't, can't do the social aspects of NT behaviour and would need some counselling on what is acceptable behaviour.

 

If anyone is able to tell me whether they have experience on being on medication for depression and whether this is helpful I would really appreciate this. I often dispair of what will happen to DD as she is reclusive and we can't even talk to her about her future (ie education, work). I think if we can get through the depression then some aspects may fall into place in that she will listen.

 

Martyn - hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread a little but it sounds so similar in some ways and I can see my daughter behaving this way if she develops a crush.

 

Lisa xx

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It does sound as if there is going to be a huge disappointment at some point and you need to be ready for it.

 

Young Minds can give you some advice.

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Your daughter needs help now. Sitting in bus stations with her while she tries to catch a glimpse is allowing her to believe that what she is doing is acceptable and that there is nothing wrong with her behviour and could escalate into full blown stalking while also being potentially very dangerous for your daughter. I know a young woman with AS who went on like this with footballers and it did become quite serious. She had to have some input from some ASD specialists who helped her to understand that it was not acceptable to follow anyone around. Your daughter also requires some help with her aggressive behaviour towards you and your wife. Believe me I understand what you are going through with outbursts.

 

If I were you I would be trying to find out what your mental health services were like and if there was anyone who specalises in adults with autism within the service. You could always talk to the NAS they might be able to point you in the direction of someone. It is important that whoever your daughter sees fully understands her autism.

 

Cat

 

Everything Cat has said.

 

Bid :)

 

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I just wanted to add that this type of inappropriate behaviour isn't just autistic. I have an older sister with learning disabilities. She is capable in some ways (lives and works independently now), and needs alot of support in other ways. Anyway, she has amazed us with what she can achieve if it involves a man she is interested in. This is going back some years, but she managed a two bus trip to a city some 20 miles away to meet someone!

There have been a number of times that she has got attached to someone who was totally inappropriate for her. One had a criminal record which we later found out about!!

This is just another area where we pick things up and learn as we go along, and many others with all kinds of disabilities do not learn in the same way.

So you do need to speak with her and teach her what is/isn't appropriate behaviour. If you can get help from a professional to do that all the better. It isn't easy, especially if it is an obsession etc.

Do you go with your daughter because you feel she needs protecting and watching because you are not sure what she would do? I think that even if you do end up going with her, you need to tell her that this behaviour is not acceptable, and then try to get some help to teach her what is appropriate.

It is so hard when these children and adults do not know how to make appropriate social interaction. It makes me angry to think that these opportunites should have been picked up on in school and taught then instead of leaving families to try to deal with it later on down the line.

And unfortunately other people are not always reputable. There are people who will go out of their way to use a vulnerable person like this to their own ends.

Just use every opportunity you have to talk through outcomes with her. For example if she has a favourite TV programme talk about the relationships in it and what is right and wrong about what the characters are doing. It does all help in the long run.

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