smiley1590 Report post Posted June 3, 2009 hey my nan who was in hospital died the early hours of this morning phone rang it was aunt saying she died at 2am dad answered phone dad woke me up around 7 am to tell that she gone now! i just said no was half asleep aswell at time! feel so emotionally./mentally numb yet also drained weird strange feelings/emotions leaves you with! my aunt was with her when she died so at least she weren;t alone when she did go! i feel shut down balnked off from whole thing i shed couple of tears she so VERY old so maybe i being selfish wanting her stay more! i feel so bad and guilty for thinking and saying it! im angry and hurt! i feel like bottling over and could just explode! when last saw my nan which few months ago now her speech was very hard understand slurred and she was so thin her legs especially! in hospital she wasn't eating hard;y anything just about 2 force fed spoonfuls on youghut or moose! she had breast cancer in early stages! she was in and out of it mostly! so yes was a blessing she aint suffering anymore im grateful for that! just the stuff left behind now! i hope she knew i'd loved her so much! i loved her wise words! i got photo of her keep looking at that! all keep thinking about is her and my aunt! i so scared if go asleep my other nan will die as she terminally ill too! i feel it ALL my fault i'm too blame for being autistic i'm mad that 'normal life' carries on when you're hurting so much deep inside! does grieving differ in everyone in process it goes through and how long it takes to get over side? me and my aunt so close to her! going to miss her so much! not going to be same without here there! i keep thinking she isn't dead she still here with us alivei know denial part of it! i never got to say proper goodbye! i can't break down right now just switched off don't know why or how! but im affected alot! i know takes time! feel so depressed at the moment! don't know what to do or say with anything it all still raw like living in bubble land! XKLX i wrote in my diary what happened with her today! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 3, 2009 would be her birthday on 13th july tha going to be hard difficult day too she being buried with my grandad down where they used to live together so that nice thoughts just keep trying to rememebr memories happy and positive thinking! what happens when other nan goes will feel the same kinda things? go through similiar processes?! it my dad's mum that gone now! she at peace now! i feel like maybe could 'saved' her in some magical way!? know sounds stupid silly! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted June 3, 2009 So sorry to hear your sad news There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve: grieving is different for each person, and the only thing that really helps is that as time passes happy memories start to replace the sad ones. Bid <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted June 4, 2009 <'> smiley1590 <'> You obviously loved your nan very much, & the next weeks/months will be hard for you. But it will get easier. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 my grandad's death anniversary on tommorrow that be 15 years as we were 4 years old when he died! i was so close to him too! that's my mum's dad! my other nan terminal just finding hard to struggle along why i can't feel anything really? am i still in shock? but then get feelings of denial mixed in! didn't want to go alseep incase my other nan died! XkirstX RIP NAN and Grandads LOVE U SO MUCH missed SO much NEVER forgotten though! XXX want 2 make u proud of me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 my grandad's death anniversary on tommorrow that be 15 years as we were 4 years old when he died! i was so close to him too! that's my mum's dad! my other nan terminal just finding hard to struggle along why i can't feel anything really? am i still in shock? but then get feelings of denial mixed in! didn't want to go alseep incase my other nan died! XkirstX RIP NAN and Grandads LOVE U SO MUCH missed SO much NEVER forgotten though! XXX want 2 make u proud of me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted June 4, 2009 Very sorry Smiley. Look after yourself. Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted June 4, 2009 I'm very sorry Smiley. You are probably still in shock. It is a very big thing to take in. Take care of yourself. T x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paula Report post Posted June 4, 2009 <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> My Grandma died five years ago we were realy realy close i still miss her but with time like me youll be able to think of her and smile and laugh and enjoy memories of the good times. I wasnt at the hospital when my grandma died she died in the early houres of the morning alone.............id seen her every single day she was in the hospital and the one night i didnt go took a break that happened i fealt so so guilty.then i read this. God took you when i wasnt theire i know the reason why he knew i thought the world of you and would never have let you die................ It helped me.i took comfort in thinking perhaps shed waited untill i wasnt theire to save me the hurt of watching her go. Take care <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
szxmum Report post Posted June 4, 2009 Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you Smiley. As Bid said there is no right or wrong way to grieve, just remember to look after yourself <'> >< Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dana Report post Posted June 4, 2009 I am very sorry Smiley. <'> >< <'> >< <'> Danaxxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Teresa Report post Posted June 4, 2009 Sorry to hear about your sad news Smiley. Take care Teresa x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 my aunt rang and told my dad that my nan's funeral two weeks on tuesday! it going to be long day for my parents as from herfordshire to Essex! it going to start off where she presently lived until she died and where she used to live my grandad! my dad's going to get wreef made saying 'nan' for us! and my aunt said we-me and my brother can send a letter /poem to put in my nan buriel grave with her! i'll try and look after myself though hard task at the moment!with anxiety and depression too! hope she knew how much i thought of her and loved her! going to miss her so much! XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loobylou2 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) Aww hun....so sorry to hear about your Nan....there is no 'proper' way to grieve all you can do is cope with the emotions as they happen or don't.....you'll find you go through so many different feelings over the next few weeks, none are 'right' or 'wrong'....just go easy on yourself and get as much or as little support as you need <'> <'> <'> <'> Edited to add I'm absolutely certain she knew how much you loved her Edited June 4, 2009 by loobylou2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 i've JUST typed out my nan's 2 poems on my computer and printed mum going to have a look at them in minute! X can't believe she GONE!x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted June 4, 2009 So sorry to hear about your Nan, Smiley, you obviously loved her very much. <'> K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 i feel like want to cry but can't need to cause feel so angry hurt upset yet can't express im annoying myself bad! just decorated the poems and message my parents or auntie going to put down there! my dad going to buy wreef saying 'NAN' for us i DO luv her SO much! X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 4, 2009 all i can think about is my nan and my aunt! X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loobylou2 Report post Posted June 5, 2009 <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 5, 2009 my dad had a dream about a poem about my nan he wrote it down ! its so lovely and sweet reflects who she was ! strange when he told me i couldn't quite believe what i was hearing i feel like im pretending to be happy to carry as that what shed want but know grieving can take a long time depends on the person!im scared as feel under pressure to be OK! all time because she was SO old that all keep hearing! grrr... i know sad when people died young as my grandad was 55 years old when he did suddenly so was shock but even though she was ill still hard to take! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sheuk Report post Posted June 11, 2009 Hi smiley, I don't know you, have never spoken to you before but I can tell how much you loved your nan by your post and if a stranger can sense that I'm sure your nan knew and I'm sure she is very proud of you for being there for her people like your nan will live forever in your heart and your memories the pain will heal in time but her love will stay with you always Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 11, 2009 I LOVED MY NAN SO MUCH! yeh she will live forever in my heart her love will stay with me forever i keep looking at her pic alot time and keep breaking down crying im emotional wreck i got A star for my overall course feel my nan made me get that! looking down on me my aunt said s'she'd be SO proud of you-well done you!' her funeral is on tuesday 16th june it's going from where she lived currently in hertfordshire down to essex where she used to live with my grandad in the past she being buried with my grandad! feel like money making scheme someone dying! glad my nans NOT suffering now in hospital and didn't have stress and worry of moving to nursing care i personally feel be too much for her body and mind she was very confused my parents and aunt don't think she really understood where she was -hospital they thought she believed she at her home! i hope she in heaven with my grandad can't believe she really gone now! what's going to tough is going down to my aunt and uncle's house not to my nan's first as they only live round the corner! RIP NAN MISS U LOADZ never forgotten always remember as calm gentle lady with much wisdom! happy bday for 13th july her funeral gonna be a long day that's for sure my parents going up night before and saying with my aunt and uncle! don't know how i'll feel after the funeral?! me and my brother not going as my parents feel too much as does my NAS care manager! songs are helping me like there you'll be -faith hill always in my heart phil collins when you believe -mariah carey i will always love you -whitney houson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 16, 2009 her funeral was today at 10.40 service started then drove down to Essex where she used to live with my grandad that took 3 hours in funeral cars for burial of my nan then went back for tea and cake where she lived at 3.30pm my parents said was really nice weather was sunny and SO hot there! dad read out poem and speech thing he emotionally trembled in sentences on last lines and couldn't look upo incase anyone had tear in their eye set him off though he was choked back! my aunt had few tears shed! my mum feets swollen as she been on feet all day the wreef my dad had made for us to her was so lovely well hand made and worth money spent! my dad brought it in before he went up with my mum to stay at my aunt and uncle house yestoday night!the day was hers! im so glad it went fine! i SO proud of my family sticking together for eachother in memory of sweet gentle lady sleep tight! i been depressed crying for ages! my dad said he taking me down to clear out her stuff in her flat help with that process! will see more real then still feels like she here weirdly! my dad went to her flat and found some earrings and handed them to me i burst into tears in kitchen dad NEVER shows 'real' emotion he not like that but he DID cry too! had tears in his eyes when i did i set him off he had wipe his eyes with kitchen roll his eyes red! 4 social services carers turned up family and aunt next neighbour and best friends had flowers made up special for her! i been waiting all day to here how went and how everyone was and just how went! im tired worn out /down emotionally and mentaly and eyes blury where been crying so much can't see they misty! XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 16, 2009 her funeral was today at 10.40 service started then drove down to Essex where she used to live with my grandad that took 3 hours in funeral cars for burial of my nan then went back for tea and cake where she lived at 3.30pm my parents said was really nice weather was sunny and SO hot there! dad read out poem and speech thing he emotionally trembled in sentences on last lines and couldn't look upo incase anyone had tear in their eye set him off though he was choked back! my aunt had few tears shed! my mum feets swollen as she been on feet all day the wreef my dad had made for us to her was so lovely well hand made and worth money spent! my dad brought it in before he went up with my mum to stay at my aunt and uncle house yestoday night!the day was hers! im so glad it went fine! i SO proud of my family sticking together for eachother in memory of sweet gentle lady sleep tight! i been depressed crying for ages! my dad said he taking me down to clear out her stuff in her flat help with that process! will see more real then still feels like she here weirdly! my dad went to her flat and found some earrings and handed them to me i burst into tears in kitchen dad NEVER shows 'real' emotion he not like that but he DID cry too! had tears in his eyes when i did i set him off he had wipe his eyes with kitchen roll his eyes red! 4 social services carers turned up family and aunt next neighbour and best friends had flowers made up special for her! i been waiting all day to here how went and how everyone was and just how went! im tired worn out /down emotionally and mentaly and eyes blury where been crying so much can't see they misty! XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sheuk Report post Posted June 16, 2009 all I can do is send you a hug <'> try and remember the good times, talk to family members about good times they remember, I know your emotions are raw at the moment but talking will help Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted June 28, 2009 today been up to where she lived cleared out her flat clothes etc it felt weird strange bagging up her stuff give it away to others which she would have wanted but doesn't feel right comfortable safe secure i hated the way made me feel i felt so angry bitter upset taking my nans stuff when i went in flat expected me say hello nan gave her kiss she'd still be sitting there in her green chair such a shock my aunt broke down i floods of tears at one point as nan felt her pressie for her when she passed over she read label and tried to look away and fight back tears but couldn't i knew that she had let it out though! she cried on my shoulder when hugged her she sobbed so much think she needed to let it out the label said 'thanks for everything' love you mum that just set her off triggered her! i don't feel like i helped i felt like let people down my dad,my aunt i hated leaving her behind - my aunt wanted stay with the flat forever felt sinking feeling in my heart when did finally leave! wanted to cling on to her for abit longer more time! i wished the day to be here now gone and regretting it gone so fast wish could stopped time didn't tell my aunt i loved her how much she means to me! i feel close and protective over her now my nan gone i feel worried and scared over how she is cope and feeling probably same as me i suppose! emotions run deep didn't realise how much so though until today! didn't know what to do feel again totally lost confuse helpless! we found old photos and kept some memos of hers we all chose some! we had laugh,joke with some bits we found of hers! she had so much stuff for small flat she had! my aunt gota finish getting bags to charity shop and give keys back by 4th july! my aunt going away for date of what would been my nan's bday she said she needs get away thinking space can't be here as she lives just 2 mins away from where the flats are! i wish could done more for my dad and aunt though my aunt thanked me for helping i felt like in the way useless pathetic stupid etc i don't feel proud of myself i feel proud for my dad n aunt they did really well 'holding it together like they did' my dad doesn't get that emotional! i should have cried done something more! i did nothing! is this end the final last thing should i say goodbye? i didn't think i have regrets guilt hold backs i didn't do didn't say what if if only suppose everyone gets like my aunt i know same! i can't let me nan go i now feel like my aunt part of nan i feel close to in way and can connected to 'live' bit of her i know sounds wrong! i love my aunt dad nan so much do anything for them how ever much anx depression i felt today i put myself through that for them all! they mean that much to me and more! XKLX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caz2007 Report post Posted June 30, 2009 hi kirsty, it now time to let yourself grieve, how every this is, it going to take time when u was so close take care caz today been up to where she lived cleared out her flat clothes etc it felt weird strange bagging up her stuff give it away to others which she would have wanted but doesn't feel right comfortable safe secure i hated the way made me feel i felt so angry bitter upset taking my nans stuff when i went in flat expected me say hello nan gave her kiss she'd still be sitting there in her green chair such a shock my aunt broke down i floods of tears at one point as nan felt her pressie for her when she passed over she read label and tried to look away and fight back tears but couldn't i knew that she had let it out though! she cried on my shoulder when hugged her she sobbed so much think she needed to let it out the label said 'thanks for everything' love you mum that just set her off triggered her! i don't feel like i helped i felt like let people down my dad,my aunt i hated leaving her behind - my aunt wanted stay with the flat forever felt sinking feeling in my heart when did finally leave! wanted to cling on to her for abit longer more time! i wished the day to be here now gone and regretting it gone so fast wish could stopped time didn't tell my aunt i loved her how much she means to me! i feel close and protective over her now my nan gone i feel worried and scared over how she is cope and feeling probably same as me i suppose! emotions run deep didn't realise how much so though until today! didn't know what to do feel again totally lost confuse helpless! we found old photos and kept some memos of hers we all chose some! we had laugh,joke with some bits we found of hers! she had so much stuff for small flat she had! my aunt gota finish getting bags to charity shop and give keys back by 4th july! my aunt going away for date of what would been my nan's bday she said she needs get away thinking space can't be here as she lives just 2 mins away from where the flats are! i wish could done more for my dad and aunt though my aunt thanked me for helping i felt like in the way useless pathetic stupid etc i don't feel proud of myself i feel proud for my dad n aunt they did really well 'holding it together like they did' my dad doesn't get that emotional! i should have cried done something more! i did nothing! is this end the final last thing should i say goodbye? i didn't think i have regrets guilt hold backs i didn't do didn't say what if if only suppose everyone gets like my aunt i know same! i can't let me nan go i now feel like my aunt part of nan i feel close to in way and can connected to 'live' bit of her i know sounds wrong! i love my aunt dad nan so much do anything for them how ever much anx depression i felt today i put myself through that for them all! they mean that much to me and more! XKLX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mandapanda Report post Posted July 2, 2009 Smiley1590 I haven't been on forum for a while. So sorry to hear one of your nans has now passed away. Of course it is a very sad and unsettling time. It's always a shock when someone dies, even if it is expected (if that makes sense!). You have to get over that shock before you can even begin to come to terms with losing her. It's a process you can't really get away from. You have lost them and it will hurt and you will miss them. Don't be hard on yourself when you are having a bad day, and try not to feel responsible for everyone else's emotions. Hugging your aunt will have meant so much to her, that is how you can share your pain and support each other. No words can really make it better/easier. You all have to go through some sort of grieving process - it is a very personal thing and you may need to understand that different people may not show their grieving in the way you perhaps think they should. In a way you need to treasure the pain, as it shows the depth of love you have for your nan (and she no doubt had for you), and I personally would love to know that someone loved me that much! When some time has passed you could do something in her memory, plant some flowers she liked, visit somewhere she loved, and say your own special goodbye. I'll be thinking of you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 6, 2009 it her bday on next week on 13 th july my auntie gotta go away she can't handle being in same area as she lives around corner from where her flat is so she needs a holiday a break .... i talked to MH OT today she thinks im in bargaining stage of grief at the moment! i thinking stuff like if i done this maybe i saved her! if i hadn't had AS MH probs etc keep crying STILL! feel such a idiot a wimp doing this! just want to make her proud! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 6, 2009 i hope she looking down at me! this what my aunt wrote on social networking site: "Lovely to see you too Kirst! Thanx for your help. Very sad now! See you soon - luvulots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" "Ah Kirsty thats great!! Really hapy for you and Nan would be to. Love you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sooze2 Report post Posted July 7, 2009 Have some of these. <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
